My father Died; am I coping?

LegacyUser

My father died a month ago. Naturally, I'm heartbroken.

I spoke with a good friend who lives in a different city to me the other day, having been out for dinner with her sister, and she said, with concern for me, that her sister said I looked like I'd be crying at lot. Now, neither of them have lost anyone close to them, but my reaction was, but of course I have been. Most nights there has been tears of some sort. Sometimes just eyes watering, other times, proper tears and other times, major meltdowns. I think I'm dealing with my grief by letting it come out. Am I being over sad? I've just lost the person I loved most in the world (am single and while I do have a mother that I love, I was a Daddy's girl; but even more than that, we were kindred spirits; we really understood each other), I'm heartbroken.

Now, I realise that life goes on, and that I will learn to be happy again, in fact I've had some fun times since and in work you'd never notice, I'm still the happy high energy person I've always been, but the fact that I cry most days, or rather in the evening or when i'm not busy, does that mean I'm not dealing with it?

pookie82

SW12 wrote: »

My father died a month ago. Naturally, I'm heartbroken.

I spoke with a good friend who lives in a different city to me the other day, having been out for dinner with her sister, and she said, with concern for me, that her sister said I looked like I'd be crying at lot. Now, neither of them have lost anyone close to them, but my reaction was, but of course I have been. Most nights there has been tears of some sort. Sometimes just eyes watering, other times, proper tears and other times, major meltdowns. I think I'm dealing with my grief by letting it come out. Am I being over sad? I've just lost the person I loved most in the world (am single and while I do have a mother that I love, I was a Daddy's girl; but even more than that, we were kindred spirits; we really understood each other), I'm heartbroken.

Now, I realise that life goes on, and that I will learn to be happy again, in fact I've had some fun times since and in work you'd never notice, I'm still the happy high energy person I've always been, but the fact that I cry most days, or rather in the evening or when i'm not busy, does that mean I'm not dealing with it?

On the contrary, I think it'd be more worrying if you weren't crying at all. Sounds like you're doing incredibly well for someone who lost their dad only a few weeks ago. I haven't been in your situation but a close friend of mine lost her dad before Christmas and she says she has good days and bad, but she still regularly breaks down over it.

Sorry to hear for your loss, but it sounds to me like you're dealing with it in the best way possible - letting it all out.

Wuggectumondo

I agree with the other reply- you are so brave!!!

Crying is GOOD- it's important not to bottle up feelings like this. Don't be afraid to be honest with your friends if you're feeling down.

My heart goes out to you

blondie7

believe me what your feeling is completely normal my dad died at the start of this year and it was the hardest thing ive ever gone through in my life. like you i was a daddys girl and miss him so much every single day, i still pick up the phone to ring him on a regular basis and still have his number saved in my phone i cant bring myself to delete it even though my friends say i should, im just not ready.

you are right you need to let it out dont hold anything back and if your friends have a problem with that just ignore them cos they have no idea how hard it is to lose a parent i would give my right arm to walk into my parents home and see dad sitting there with a smile on his face but thats not going to happen and i no that, aslong as you have accepted that he has passed your doing good.

And remember they say you need a year to grieve properly xxxxx

booksale

same here. i dropped my tears when i read your post. my dad passed away a month ago. it's good to him as he does not need to suffer from the pain anymore. but i really miss him and feel there is a missing piece in my heart that no body can fit in.

i laugh a lot and function well, but i cry frequently esp. at night time when ready to sleep.

it's good that we can cry out. and maybe you can write down your thoughts and feelings as well. it's theraputic.

and at the period of a month, i think both you and me are already doing very well to cope with it.

Spanish Eyes

I know your pain girls.

My lovely Dad died, wait for it, in 2001, and although the pain has eased and I have moved on, I still get the odd evening of pure heartwrenching grief for him. Especially if I ever hear a Frank Sinatra song, oh my God, that really does it for me, as he loved that guy.

Still, it does get easier as time goes on. The early days and months are the worst, and the first year with all the anniversaries, birthdays, Christmas, etc. are really tough. The second year is not quite as bad but you never forget them.

Grief has many faces, anger, denial, sadness, lots of emotions, and eventually acceptance.

I was getting the bedrooms painted last week, and in the clear out found a photo of my Dad and me in the back garden of my house. He was having a glass of his favourite red wine and the sun was splitting the stones. I didn't cry. I was really glad I had those times with him.

It is terrible to lose someone you love dearly. I honestly don't know how we deal with it, but we do. Remember the good times girls, some out there never had that with their Dads.

LegacyUser

My mother died just before Christmas. The first month was full of tears. The second month wasn't as bad and I thought I was coping. But for the past week it feels like it's worse than the first month and getting even worse. I'm dreading Mother's Day so much and it's all I can think about. There are times when I don't even realise I'm crying but the tears are streaming down my face.
But I have decided not to compare my grief to others - even my siblings'. We all cope with things in different ways and we have to get through this as best we can. I know a time will come when it's easier but the first year is going to be so hard. I still can't believe she's actually gone.

axel rose

Hi SW12, Blondie and booksale,

Im sorry that you are going through this. My husband died very suddenly just over 6 months ago. He was young and there was no hint that he was going to die.

Like you, I didnt have a death in my life that changed my life completely. I also wondered what I was feeling was 'actual' grief. I didnt know what grief was. Some moments I was normal, others, I could barely move. I cried, screamed, kicked things-you name it. Im still grieving and will continue to do so.

There is no 'right' or 'wrong' way to grieve. Some turn to drink, others take pills, cry publically, cry privately, fight......you name it. Its all grief. I have proposed a bereavement forum on boards so people can get some kind of support from this community.


At the moment you are pretty raw- and you're doing everything you need to do.

metrovelvet

Its so new and so raw. You need the deep sobbing to heal. As time goes on, grief never fully goes, but subsides like a receding tide and then returns in waves. Its good that you are letting it out. You are going through one of the most painful rites of passage, the loss of a parent.

My father died 13 years ago. Here's a weird one. I dreamt in january, the month he died, that he was dead. It was nightmarish. So when i woke up, i realised it was just a dream. I got up and went down stairs and got myself a drink. Fow a whole ten minutes I really thoughg tne dream wasnt true, i really thought he wasnt dead, that everything was normal like it used to be. And then i snapped out if the fog, and realised he really is dead, and that new fresh raw grief rose up again like a surprise wave and i sobbed all over again. You cant really ever get away from it.

It sucks. There is no way around it and there is no getting over it. But the rawness fades.

pod76

You're dealing with it really well and you must be a really strong person.

I lost my Father a number of years ago and still cry, the grief never ends.

I didn't understand what it was like for friends of mine who had lost parents until I lost one of my own.

You're grieving, it takes time at least a year to get used to the idea, but you never get over it in my experience.

You are probably a little sensitive at the moment like I was, the simplest thing in my life could upset me shortly after my Father's death. Try and talk to compassionate friends (not that all your friends aren't) it's just friends that are more understanding and possibly have been through a similar experience.

More then likely you don't feel like going out at the moment, I didn't feel like socialising for a good few months let alone drinking as I was afraid of the drink setting me off crying.

LegacyUser

OP here. Thanks for the responses. There are so many people who are living with grief, and I'd no idea.

Without sounding patronising, but unless people have experienced grief like this, I don't think people can understand.

And what I'm finding is that people just don't know what to say, or how to bring it up. Some are carrying on as normal with me, others ask how I am, but get awkward when I start talking about him and my grief. I don't want to become a 'grief bore' so to speak, but there are times when I want to talk about what's going on, without getting upset ie talking about my Mum and how she is getting on or remembering fun things we did as a family and it's greeted with an awkward silence.

It's just easier talking to people who have experienced loss, they can empathise and understand. And I only know 2 people who have experienced this kind of loss. And 1 is my boss, so we aren't going to be having the chats about it.

I wish there was a bereavement forum here.

pod76

Big olde cyber hug from Australia.

My friends certainly didn't know what to say to me either, some said that they'd call after the funeral and they didn't for ages. Those small things really hurt me, people can be so flippant. My Father was a high profile person in Ireland and at the time I used to think it was just out of pure nosiness that some attended the funeral and to see who who else attended.

I used to think that the people who were there for me at that time were my true friends and slowly I came to realise that those who avoided me just didn't know what to do. When all you needed was a hug or someone to call by just to go for a walk or something to get out of the house. I was younger, my friends were younger we/I didn't know how to react.

It was be great if there was a bereavement forum here.

metrovelvet

I think a bereavement forum is a great idea too. People who gone havent through it dont know what to say or do. They cant know. And when you are so skinlessly sensitive in mourning, this can be hurtful especially when you need to get away from your family.

You probably cant eat much. Try to get some soup in.

axel rose

Talk. Its true what they say, 'its good to talk. Its only natural that you are repeatedly talking about your dad- he's on your mind all the time, and all of your points of reference involve your dad.

You will get to learn that speaking with people who have gone through this is more comforting.

And to those who would like a bereavement forum....put in your +1's. http://www.boards.ie/vbulletin/showthread.php?t=2055806473

(I hope its ok to put this here)

ztoical

My dad passed away over 2 years ago and it nearly killed me - utter daddies girl and he died very suddenly while in another country which made it even worse. For the first month I was just numb then for the next few months after it happened I found myself crying over really small things. I distracted myself for the next 6 months by producing a whole series of art work based around how **** I was feeling [I work as an artist just to clear that up] but I actually found the 1 year mark to be almost as bad as the day I found out....I still have weepy moments and sad days but not as many - sometimes I find I've gone ages without thinking about him and then get upset thinking how horrible I am for "forgetting" him. My brother was told by a friends sister three days after our dad passed that he wasn't acting sad enough which of course made him really sad. Everyone deals different and there is no right or wrong, no too sad or not sad enough.

Reesy

My Dad is dying. I'd no idea what it will be like when he goes, but thanks to your posts I am getting some idea.

I feel for you.

Thanks.

axel rose

Sorry to hear about your situation.

LegacyUser

Reesy wrote: »

My Dad is dying. I'd no idea what it will be like when he goes, but thanks to your posts I am getting some idea.

I feel for you.

Thanks.

Reesy, I am so sorry to hear that. It is a horrible thing to go through. But, as someone kindly took my hand said to me, you will get through it.

Cherish the moments you have left with him and let him know that you love him. It will comfort you when he is gone.