Bulimia

LegacyUser

I've posted about this here before, but I'm feeling pretty low right now and could really do with some support. Is there anyone who has been through an eating disorder and come out the other side?

I'm doing all the right things. I'm in counselling, I'm trying to stick to a meal plan, I'm recording what I eat, my feelings etc. but I'm starting to think I'm just a greedy pig. What if there is NO emotional cause behind this? What if I B/P because I want to have my cake and eat it too? (Excuse the pun)

I'm acting on behaviours less than I used to, but I don't feel like I'm truly getting any better. And now I'm starting to lie. I'm not writing up my diary truthfully lately, because I want to finish counselling. I don't feel like she's helping, so I want to pretend I'm better and get out of it.

I keep wondering what the real harm in B/Ping a few times a week really is? As long as I don't go back to doing it every day, what's the problem?

Please bare in mind, I'm not an idiot. There is a part of me that knows (better than most) the true dangers of what I'm doing...but I don't feel like I can get past this right now, not completely.

Thanks. Even if nobody replies, it's good to get it out sometimes.

LegacyUser

Hi there!!

I am recovering from bulimia. I went to various different counselors over 4 years and none of them helped me. My turning point was Marino Therapy Centre. I'd highly recommend that you try it out there- they've saved my life. I "tried it out" just for a day and never looked back- they are amazing. The difference is that the therapists are recovered from eating disorders so they know how it feels. I don't think I'd ever recover from bulimia if I stayed with the other counsellors I'd gone to (tried everything, NLP, hypnosis, cognitive therapy, the college counsellor- you name it!). They have a support group which is so helpful too.

Remember that going to therapy is great, but recovery is also about putting what we've learned in therapy into action. Only we can keep on replacing the negative thinking etc.

This is a really helpful website where people share their self-help tips: www.eatingdisorderselfhelp.com

Don't ever give up hope- recovery is possible for us all!!

Kevster

Ive been bulimic for a few years now and I'm male, 26 years old. I believe that it started - partially - because I began restricting the eating of foods that I really wanted to eat (but felt as if I shouldn't because I wanted to look good and healthy). As time went by, pressure built up, and one day I ate an entire bo of chocolates. From that day, I was bulimic.

So, I guess that restricting foods you know you like is not the way to go. I have 'controversial' way of dealing with my bulimia that has been very helpful for me, but the last time I mentioned it here I was warned officially by a moderator. He/she cleaerly didn't have bulimia though, and therefore was in no position to assume that he/she knew better than I.

Kevin

LegacyUser

Feeling_alone wrote: »

I'm doing all the right things. I'm in counselling, I'm trying to stick to a meal plan, I'm recording what I eat, my feelings etc. but I'm starting to think I'm just a greedy pig. What if there is NO emotional cause behind this? What if I B/P because I want to have my cake and eat it too? (Excuse the pun)

If you're not getting anything out of the counselling, maybe it's not the right place for you? I wouldn't recommend recording what you eat, I think you've enough emphasis on food right now. And unless you're constructively reframing your negative feelings into feelings that are more positive, writing in your diary can actually be destructive.

Feeling_alone wrote: »

And now I'm starting to lie. I'm not writing up my diary truthfully lately, because I want to finish counselling..... I want to pretend I'm better and get out of it.

I keep wondering what the real harm in B/Ping a few times a week really is? As long as I don't go back to doing it every day, what's the problem?

Lying will never help you hun, it's important to keep looking for a counselor that suits you and is helpful for you.

B/Ping a few times a week is SO dangerous. You can have a heart attack on the spot and more than likely has osteoporosis, artrithis and teeth problems and just don't know it yet.

Feeling_alone wrote: »

Please bare in mind, I'm not an idiot. There is a part of me that knows (better than most) the true dangers of what I'm doing...but I don't feel like I can get past this right now, not completely.

Thanks. Even if nobody replies, it's good to get it out sometimes.

Of course you're not an idiot!!! Don't be hard on yourself but never give up hope of recovery

JuliusCaesar

Bodywhys runs an online support group.

There's no point in lying to your counsellor. You can always just leave therapy. You're doing it for yourself, not to please her.

LegacyUser

JuliusCaesar wrote: »

Bodywhys runs an online support group.

I wouldn't recommend that group- it's very depressing and doesn't help. Like it's great to know that others are in the same boat but I don't see how it's meant to help, everyone mainly saying how bad they are struggling

LegacyUser

Hi OP, I've been in your shoes and tbh I still am, I 'came out' to my ex after a few drinks one night a few years ago and he did all the right things, got me into counselling, watched me after meals etc and tbh I totally resented him for it after a while.. everything you said in your post reflects exactly how I was/am.. I felt guilty because I wasn't the 'text book' bulimic.. I didnt stash snickers bars and cakes and cry after I threw up, it was a normal function for me.. It suited me down to the ground to eat what I wanted and not worry about getting fat.. and tbh it still does.. don't get me wrong some of the tools I was given in counselling still stand to me greatly in many ways.. but the 'habit' itself hasn't left me and I wonder if it ever will..

I'm sorry if this post doesn't fill you with hope of recovery, I've been like this since I was 18, I'm now 26, and tbh.. nobody (other than a dentist) would know to look at me..

Strange isnt it..

If you want to register, I'll PM you..

LegacyUser

Feeling_alone wrote: »

I've posted about this here before, but I'm feeling pretty low right now and could really do with some support. Is there anyone who has been through an eating disorder and come out the other side?

I'm doing all the right things. I'm in counselling, I'm trying to stick to a meal plan, I'm recording what I eat, my feelings etc. but I'm starting to think I'm just a greedy pig. What if there is NO emotional cause behind this? What if I B/P because I want to have my cake and eat it too? (Excuse the pun)

I'm acting on behaviours less than I used to, but I don't feel like I'm truly getting any better. And now I'm starting to lie. I'm not writing up my diary truthfully lately, because I want to finish counselling. I don't feel like she's helping, so I want to pretend I'm better and get out of it.

I keep wondering what the real harm in B/Ping a few times a week really is? As long as I don't go back to doing it every day, what's the problem?

Please bare in mind, I'm not an idiot. There is a part of me that knows (better than most) the true dangers of what I'm doing...but I don't feel like I can get past this right now, not completely.

Thanks. Even if nobody replies, it's good to get it out sometimes.

Eating disorders can dig in deep and be highly resistant to treatment so dont give up. Dont stop battling this thing because I guarentee you that you'll succeed. Determination and the ability to pick yourself up off the ground and get back on the horse every time, are the keys to escaping form the nightmare of eating disorders.
Right now OP you sound like youre comprimising. I know its tough, trust me I know, but you can never compromise or bargain with an eating disorder. Theyre very insidous things that'll trick you into believing its ok that things aint so bad that you can keep the eating disorder sure its not affecting your life that much...........All bull****. You cant let up or stop, you have to chase this thing out of town. The difference between those who overcome their eating disorder and those who dont is that they never give up.
Also what I'll say is you must take responsibility for yourself and your actions. Counselling is great and absolutley neccessary but this is your show and youre running it. Turning up for counselling every week will not solve this problem in itself. So theres no sense in lying to your therapist, its pointless. But the fact that youre doing something like that is very telling. It means youre trying to please another person. People with eating disorders are big people pleasers. So that is something you'll need to address. But again I have to stress, this is your show. You have to work at this every day. And that means being aware, constantly aware of how you feel and your thought processes.
I only started to overcome my eating disorder when I truly realised that nobody was gonna do this for me. That no counsellor or clinic had the answers. It was a scary realisation because for a long time I was on cruise control. Because I was getting counselling I just assumed Id get better automatically. Like I said, counselling is great. Theres a lot of shame associated with eating disorders, shame and secrets. So its great to not have to hide that part of you, even with just one person in the world. But you have to go after this yourself on your own time. When you take complete responsibility for yourself its scary especially when youre not used to doing so. But its also incredibly empowering. You'll feel not so afraid anymore, you'll feel in control of your life.
So my advice is, dont ever give up or compromise. Do your research, read and study every day. Develop your awareness. This along with the ability to never give up is probably the most important aspect of fighting an eating disorder. When youre aware of your feelings and your thought processes then you have power. You have the power to decide what you do no matter how you feel. Theres always a choice. No matter how intense the feelings are you always get to choose. Heres some books that helped me out in a major way:

http://www.amazon.co.uk/product-reviews/1572243260/ref=dp_top_cm_cr_acr_txt?ie=UTF8&showViewpoints=1

http://www.amazon.co.uk/Mind-Over-Mood-Change-Changing/dp/0898621283/ref=sr_1_1?ie=UTF8&s=books&qid=1266663547&sr=1-1


I know that seems like a lot, so start slowly and with just one of these books. Id recommend you begin with "mind over mood". I know the Bullimia workbook would seem like the obvious first choice but I just think that mind over mood will help your awareness which you can then use when working through the bullimia book. But its up to you, whichever one you'd like to go with first, do so.
It sounds like youve made some good first steps but please dont drop your guard or compromise. Remember, its all about determination and the ability to never give up.

xzanti

If you can find it OP (I beleive it's out of print) 'Hope' written by Marie Campion, the woman who founded the Marino Therapy Centre, is a good read..

Kevster

I nearly went to thast Marino Clinic but instead my CBT therapist (who I was already seeing) tried to help me out with my bulimia too (I say 'too' because the reason why I started seeing her first was an OCD diagnosis). She didn't really help much with the bulimia, but she helped with my OCD.

Kevin

LegacyUser

I'm astounded by the number of replies - thank you so much.

'Hope!!'

First of all, thank you for your support.

As for Marino Therapy Centre - it's not an option for me to change counsellors at this stage, financially. I'm stuck where I'm at, and even that needs to end soon. I know lying to my counsellor might seem stupid, but I can't just decide to leave myself. My Dad is supporting me in this, and I need to be able to tell him I don't need counselling anymore, so I need for the counsellor to tell me that, if that makes sense? I CAN'T lie directly to him, even if that's what I'm doing in a long winded way. (I'm 20, by the way) Last night was a bad night, in general I'm doing reasonably well in getting past this - I have come to realise that it's down to me. And there's no doubt that I've improved quite a bit, it just seems slow. I'll definitely look into that website though - thank you!

In regards to not recording what I eat - everything I've ever read (and I've done alot of research, bought books etc.) has recommended a food diary, and meals plans. It makes sense to me, because I can't trust my hunger cues. I ALWAYS want to eat now, so unless I keep track, I lose control. When I lose control, the guilt is phenomenal, so I B/P. Recording my eating has helped a number of times - I can look over what I've eaten and reassure myself that it's not too much. I know it may not deal primarily with the motivation behind it, but I'm working on that too.

I agree with you about bodywhys - I tried that, and found it to be a very negative place. I wish you the best of luck with your recovery, 'Hope'.

Kevster - I'd imagine this disorder is an even lonelier experience for you than for most. As a male, I'd imagine people don't understand to the same degree. I'd agree that restricting foods we enjoy is probably not the ideal way to go - at the end of the day, those foods are always going to be there. I long to be able to have a relaxed attitude about food, but I don't see that ever happening.

Did your CBT therapist do anything for your bulimia? I'm currently in CBT. It's helped somewhat, but I kinda feel like the rest is up to me - she's taught me as much as she can I reckon.


JuliusCaesar - thank you for your recommendation. I know I shouldn't lie to her, but as I tried to explain above (probably unsuccessfully) I feel like I have to get the green light to leave, or else I'll be letting my Dad down.

Longtimeposter - I may take you up on that offer at some stage. It is strange how people would never guess. I told a close friend a while back, and she was so shocked. She said she had NO idea. I do everything in my power to seem like I have a healthy attitude to food, and a healthy self-image around people...I guess it works. I haven't been to a dentist in years, but it was a New Year's Resolution that I'd go this year. I'm terrified by the damage I may have done. Take care of yourself.


Thanks unreg2002. I know you're right. I've done best with my recovery when I'm feeling proactive. When I accept that this isn't something that's going to happen to me, I have to MAKE it happen. It's just hard to do that 24/7, you know? I'll look into those books, thank you. I feel like it's only a matter of time before I give up the counselling, being armed with books might help me out.

Xzanti - thank you. I'll take note of that book too. Hopefully I'll be able to find it somewhere.


Again, thank you all so much for your support. I really can't believe the number of replies. I'm doing ok overall, but yesterday was a bad day and I got frustrated. Thank you.

LegacyUser

I'd highly recommend the Hope book and Recovery Now on this page:

http://www.marinotherapycentre.com/hope

If your Dad is supporting you, surely he wouldn't feel right supporting you if you didn't feel that your current counseling was right for you? Wouldn't he prefer you to be HAPPY, not pretending you're OK?

I know the feeling too well of going to a counselor who doesn't have a clue. I've gone to so many places over the years, even a well-known hypnosis/therapy centre but unless they've sufferered from bulimia or depression themselves; I don't think psychologists can truly figure out the complexity and dept of the condition. I'm sure you know too well by now that it's not about the food!!

It's a good idea to go to a nutritionist too. Believe it or not, you are likely to be undereating and leaving more than 2-3 hours to eat between meals. A specially made meal-plan is not the be all and end all of recovery, but it sure makes it less likely that you will not be B/Ping as you will be eating substantial meals to keep your blood sugar stable and will be eating every 2-3 hours. And your weight will settle down too!!!

This disease does not go away on it's own unfortunately. I know that sounds scary but we've a lifetime of negative thinking to retrain ourselves out of and alot of the time we don't even realise how negative our self-talk is and how we can change.

www.eatingdisorderselfhelp.com helps us come up with a solution to why we are feeling bad instead of just stating that we feel crap and saying that to ourselves more and more. The real life stories on it are very inspiring.

Best of luck with your recovery too my dear and to Kevster too.

Keep the hope that you WILL recover!!!

Kevster

For the OP: http://news.bbc.co.uk/1/hi/health/8528443.stm

It's articles like that which make me realise that you and I are NOT entirely to blame for the eating disorder we have.

Kevin

Dark Phoenix

OP if the councelling is not working why not have an honest chat with your dad and see if there are other options out there for you? Different councellors work for different people and maybe you just have not clicked with this one. Lying to your councellor and in your food diary might fool them but lets be honest its trying to nearly lie to yourself when you know the truth.
Something like bulimia goes so much beyond the physical and I think recovery only happens when you yourself want to get better. Maybe its an idea to think about what recovering will mean for you and what the positives of it for you will be to give yourself something to look forward to and to work towards?