Unsure of what to do next (Would appreaciate female perspective)

LightningBolt

Okay so there's a girl I've known since my teenage years that I now happen to work with (different sections though). From December on we would both email/IM during work. After new years we exchanged numbers and decided to go out on a date. That went well and up till Tuesday we saw more and more of each other. Last week we ended up spending at least an hour or two together five times.

It wasn't till Valentines Day when she read out a message from her friend saying "oh nice, you're such a couple in the making". Kind of smacked me that we had gotten way too serious in such a short amount of time. On Wednesday she was instant messaging saying there was something on her mind and that she didn't want to do something stupid or she was going to do something stupid that wasn't smart. I had had the intention of asking her if she'd be okay to cool things off and see less of each other as we were getting way too serious. She was saying she was in a bad mood so I decided not to say anything there and then because it wouldn't have been very tactful.

On the way home she got in touch with me saying that the reason she had stuff on her mind was me and that she was uncomfortable at how much we we're dating. She thought I was looking for a girlfriend and she wasn't looking for that at the moment and she felt that it would be unfair for her to lead me along and make me think that (these are her words). I basically told her I'd felt the same and that we should look to keep it casual. She replied asking to leave it for the time being which I'm fine with.

I'm actually fine with all this, was a bit of a shock to me to be honest as I thought she liked me way too much to have this pop up so sudden if you know what I mean. We'd spent so much time together doing things and behaving the way people who date don't generally do. Initially I definitely had been complimenting her way too much, I think it was more to do with the fact that we both thought alike (ridiculous but there was times it felt like she was a female version of myself), I cut that out because most girls run from someone who acts like they're so happy to be involved/around them and will do/say things to please them.

Anyway so after all that info I'm wondering what is the best approach to take with this girl, in my mind I'm saying leave things for the next three weeks or so (birthday due up so don't want that event to muddle things) and then see if it's worth dating more casually. If we were to date again we'd also have to agree to cut down on contact time through mail/text etc. I still like the girl and it's a mutual feeling, I'd know better than to even contemplate doing anything if she didn't like me. Her long term ex dumped her this time last year so maybe that's throwing some issues up with her, who knows. The fact that she said "she didn't want to do something stupid" could mean that she didn't really want to do this or I could probably be reading too much into it. I'd probably go with the latter.

Okay so, if any women could advise there I'd appreciate it. How do I approach this subject saying that i want to still see her and keep it casual whilst allaying any notions that she may have of me wanting to be boyfriend/girlfriend?

Thanks very much, I'm off away with friends for the weekend in a bit so I apologise if I don't respond immediately.

edit: also realise that this is all down to her, I'm not going to dwell on this if she wishes to leave things be. I'd get on pretty well with her and will run into her on a weekly basis so want to remain friendly with her (before anyone asks I've done this before and it's not an issue for me i.e. still harbouring feelings for her)

Lola92

LightningBolt wrote: »

Okay so there's a girl I've known since my teenage years that I now happen to work with different sections though). From December on we would both email/IM during work. After new years we exchanged numbers and decided to go out on a date. That went well and up till Tuesday we saw more and more of each other. Last week we ended up spending at least an hour or two together five times.

I Kind of smacked me that we had gotten way too serious in such a short amount of time.

I don't know about you but from where I'm standing It doesn't sound like you've gotten all that serious too quickly considering you've known her since you were younger.

I do see what you mean about spending time with her five times a week but I think it really depends what context it's in seeing as you work together. I mean having the same lunch hour and meeting up for a sambo or getting a coffee together at elevenses is a bit differant to going round her place after work every night.

She thought I was looking for a girlfriend and she wasn't looking for that at the moment and she felt that it would be unfair for her to lead me along and make me think that (these are her words). I basically told her I'd felt the same and that we should look to keep it casual. She replied asking to leave it for the time being which I'm fine with.

From this I gather that she's a fairly decent/considerate kind of girl, does have feelings for you, hence doesn't want to hurt you etc. Maybe you should meet up and have a chat about it all. I see that neither of you want a serious long-term relationship atm but maybe just clear up how often you are comfortable with hanging out together/going on dates/texting etc.

We'd spent so much time together doing things and behaving the way people who date don't generally do. Initially I definitely had been complimenting her way too much, I think it was more to do with the fact that we both thought alike (ridiculous but there was times it felt like she was a female version of myself), I cut that out because most girls run from someone who acts like their so happy to be involved/around them and will do/say things to please them.

TBH the behaviour thing is objective, some people are quite close from the outset of a relationship/whatever you want to call it that you have.

Honestly this next part confuses me though. Are you saying you won't compliment her so much/act happy because she will get scared off? I think this is a fairly naive view to have of the situation, most girls do like to be treated well and to know the guy they're dating is reasonably happy with it! Now I'm not saying you should wait on her hand and foot or anything of the likes but letting her know you appreciate and enjoy being in her company won't hurt!

Okay so, if any women could advise there I'd appreciate it. How do I approach this subject saying that i want to still see her and keep it casual whilst allaying any notions that she may have of me wanting to be boyfriend/girlfriend?

I would try bring this up in conversation with her the next time ye are chatting for definite. Maybe say that you hope she was okay after the last time you spoke or the likes, ask would she like to discuss it to make things clearer and more comfortable for both of you.:)

Good luck

LightningBolt

I don't know about you but from where I'm standing It doesn't sound like you've gotten all that serious too quickly considering you've known her since you were younger.

I should have clarified, we'd have known each other to say hello and have common friends but we'd never really talked or socialised together.

I do see what you mean about spending time with her five times a week but I think it really depends what context it's in seeing as you work together. I mean having the same lunch hour and meeting up for a sambo or getting a coffee together at elevenses is a bit differant to going round her place after work every night.

It wasn't in a work context I was seeing her though I do take on board your point.

From this I gather that she's a fairly decent/considerate kind of girl, does have feelings for you, hence doesn't want to hurt you etc. Maybe you should meet up and have a chat about it all. I see that neither of you want a serious long-term relationship atm but maybe just clear up how often you are comfortable with hanging out together/going on dates/texting etc.

Oh ye, she is a decent person and how she approached the subject was quite nice as strange as that sounds. Can totally understand her reasoning for doing this but just think she's got the wrong impression of what I want.

TBH the behaviour thing is objective, some people are quite close from the outset of a relationship/whatever you want to call it that you have.

Honestly this next part confuses me though. Are you saying you won't compliment her so much/act happy because she will get scared off? I think this is a fairly naive view to have of the situation, most girls do like to be treated well and to know the guy they're dating is reasonably happy with it! Now I'm not saying you should wait on her hand and foot or anything of the likes but letting her know you appreciate and enjoy being in her company won't hurt!

Agreed, personally I wouldn't usually have displayed/engaged in certain things with her unless I was with somebody for a longer period of time.

Personally I put her up on too on a pedestal at the start which made her uncomfortable, I'd still compliment her obviously but I wouldn't be so forthcoming. Hope that makes sense?

I would try bring this up in conversation with her the next time ye are chatting for definite. Maybe say that you hope she was okay after the last time you spoke or the likes, ask would she like to discuss it to make things clearer and more comfortable for both of you.:)

Good luck

Cheers thanks for the response, just a final thing. Do you think I should give her the time she's asked for? I think a couple of weeks of no contact might be a good idea and will allow both of us to reassess how we feel and what we want. I do need to let her know my exact thoughts on this though (sorry for rambling it just makes it easier for me to see my thoughts in front of me!)

Thanks again!

Lola92

LightningBolt wrote: »

Cheers thanks for the response, just a final thing. Do you think I should give her the time she's asked for? I think a couple of weeks of no contact might be a good idea and will allow both of us to reassess how we feel and what we want. I do need to let her know my exact thoughts on this though (sorry for rambling it just makes it easier for me to see my thoughts in front of me!)

Thanks again!

I think I see where you're coming from!

I think a bit of space for both of you would be good. To clear the air and let you sort out your heads a bit if nothing else! Saying that if she does get in touch don't ignore her because you think she should have 'more time', she'll know when she's ready to move forward/resume what you guys had going on.

No problems at all, I'm happy to help! I've gotten some great advice here myself, Like to return the favour. I guess what I really mean is sometimes it's nice to have some randomers on the internet to talk to about your problems/worries/concerns

Again best of luck with your laydee:)

kenbrady

Can't understand your post:

You were having a relationship ie dating etc.. ?
Then things because too much in terms of amount of time being spent with each other ?
She cooled things off by taking a break ?

Are you hoping to start dating her again in a few weeks. Do you want to eventually have a serious relationship.


If I was playing detective, based on what I picked up from your posts. I think you were mad about her came on too strong. She got a bit freaked out and has now backed off.

LightningBolt

kenbrady wrote: »

Can't understand your post:

You were having a relationship ie dating etc.. ?
Then things because too much in terms of amount of time being spent with each other ?
She cooled things off by taking a break ?

Are you hoping to start dating her again in a few weeks. Do you want to eventually have a serious relationship.


If I was playing detective, based on what I picked up from your posts. I think you were mad about her came on too strong. She got a bit freaked out and has now backed off.

We were dating short while, saw a lot of each other in a small amount of time. Way too much for the amount of time we'd been dating. She was the one who cooled things off yes, had wanted to suggest slowing it down but obviously that didn't happen. Ye I'd like a serious relationship but not right now.

It's not hard to see that I really like the girl (apologies if that sounds defensive), I know I initially came on strong first two weeks or so but I cut that out, she came on strong herself at times too.

Agree that she's freaked out and backed off but she's done so because she has the wrong impression of what I want. The reason I posted on here was more to see how much time I should cut contact for and what way to bring up the subject of me also liking to just date for now. What I don't want to do is bring this back up and have her think that I'm only agreeing to keeping it casual to please her. She'd still think that I wanted something serious. Hopefully that makes sense.