Mammy's boy

LegacyUser

Hi,

Ok so I've been with my boyfriend for nearly two years now and we live together. We're extremely close and very good to eachother. Thing is, his mother is getting in the way of us trying to make a life for ourselves. She still does everything for him and we're in our 20's, she buys his clothes,packs his bag etc.. She was bad enough at the beginning as she is constantly complaining and shouting about something,so stressful. But now, she just won't let him live, always asking him where is his,when he'll be back. She complains then when she hears the plan,she gives out to him about his appearance,weight etc...,really puts him down.

Not only does she rule his life, she constantly makes inappropriate comments about me to him. Sometimes he tells me,sometimes I over hear. These comments are completely out of nowhere, I never say a bad thing about her,never comment on her decisions. She has made comments about how much money my family has!

I find it so hard, as it really hurts when she makes these comments and I can't talk to my boyfriend about it because it hurts him being in the middle. He HATES confrontation, and he's tried talk to her calmly about the way she treats him like a child still,but everything always goes back to the way it was! I don't know what to do,I want her to stop commenting on his appearance and hurting him, I want her to stop judging me and I want her to let us live our lives, because at the moment,she's pushing us apart.

kenbrady

You deal with your issue with her. She says something negative about her, reprimand her, don't insult her back, just tell her how rude and inappropriate her behavior is. Speak to her like a child if that is how she behaves.

Your boyfriend needs to deal with his own issues. Nothing you can do about it. If he can't stand up to his mother he's not much of a man. You can't fight his battles for him.

LegacyUser

kenbrady wrote: »

You deal with your issue with her. She says something negative about her, reprimand her, don't insult her back, just tell her how rude and inappropriate her behavior is. Speak to her like a child if that is how she behaves.

Your boyfriend needs to deal with his own issues. Nothing you can do about it. If he can't stand up to his mother he's not much of a man. You can't fight his battles for him.

I think if I went to her myself, I might cause more problems for him,plus she will prob make it worse so as to break us up. I can deal with my problems,with his support,if he deals with her because I wouldn't have to be around her so much.

Thanks for your answer

Silverfish

Do you live with his mother?

e04bf099

This is a classic issue, although in your case it seems a little extreme. I would nip this asap. Does he still live at home? I wouldn't move in with him straight away, if he has never lived alone before. These lads always seem to take advantage of women because they're used to being looked after and picked-up after. Make sure he can live on his own first.

Unfortunately you can only sort this out with his consent and support. You can't do it by yourself, he has to challenge her with you. Its his responsibility, tbh. He is really selfish if he doesn't put your comfort above his own. He may not like being in the middle, but he is and he has to step up and be a man about it. Mothers can be very controlling, but its the sons that don't put their feet down and stamp the behaviour out that are the irresponsible people.

LegacyUser

Silverfish wrote: »

Do you live with his mother?

No we live in a different County, it's an issue when we visit at the weekends, and when she calls him during the week

LegacyUser

e04bf099 wrote: »

This is a classic issue, although in your case it seems a little extreme. I would nip this asap. Does he still live at home? I wouldn't move in with him straight away, if he has never lived alone before. These lads always seem to take advantage of women because they're used to being looked after and picked-up after. Make sure he can live on his own first.

Unfortunately you can only sort this out with his consent and support. You can't do it by yourself, he has to challenge her with you. Its his responsibility, tbh. He is really selfish if he doesn't put your comfort above his own. He may not like being in the middle, but he is and he has to step up and be a man about it. Mothers can be very controlling, but its the sons that don't put their feet down and stamp the behaviour out that are the irresponsible people.

We've been living together for months now,he's great with me,independent,even does most of the cooking...it's when we visit at the weekends is the problem,or when she calls him. Or if he doesn't call her (wow,huge consequences)
Thanks for your answer it's very helpful

newmember2

anon123 wrote: »

...she will prob make it worse so as to break us up.

What makes you think she could break you up - surely this is up to you and your partner alone?

Barracudaincork

anon123 wrote: »

No we live in a different County, it's an issue when we visit at the weekends, and when she calls him during the week

The only reason she does this, is because she has been allowed too. I think you need to tell your fella to sort this out as it will only get worse if you decide to get a pet or have kids etc etc

In the meantime, dont visit her, then no issue, and if she asks why, tell her the truth. Re the calls, walk away when he is on the phone.

LegacyUser

newmember? wrote: »

What makes you think she could break you up - surely this is up to you and your partner alone?

Because he doesn't like to talk about it,I obviously strongly dislike his mother for the things she has said. This causes friction as it's something I feel we need to discuss,wheras he doesn't want to. I'm also scared, the things she says about me,maybe she'll turn him against me.

Barracudaincork

anon123 wrote: »

Because he doesn't like to talk about it,I obviously strongly dislike his mother for the things she has said. This causes friction as it's something I feel we need to discuss,wheras he doesn't want to. I'm also scared, the things she says about me,maybe she'll turn him against me.

Unless what she is saying about you is true then she cant turn him against you as he can see its BS.

He doesnt want to talk about it, as clearly the two main women in his life dont get on (not your fault), he is hoping that by ignoring it it will go away. Not very mature, but i dont blame the guy either as such.

I hope you dont mind me asking but if it wasnt for the things his Mum says about him, would you like her? Could he see that you saying you dont like what she says about him as been a decoy/mask for how you really feel about her?

LegacyUser

Barracudaincork wrote: »

Unless what she is saying about you is true then she cant turn him against you as he can see its BS.

He doesnt want to talk about it, as clearly the two main women in his life dont get on (not your fault), he is hoping that by ignoring it it will go away. Not very mature, but i dont blame the guy either as such.

I hope you dont mind me asking but if it wasnt for the things his Mum says about him, would you like her? Could he see that you saying you dont like what she says about him as been a decoy/mask for how you really feel about her?

It's not that she's making up stuff,she's just judging my career choices,comments on my families money etc.. Things that don't concern her.

I used to like her, I was always shy around her, because she's really intimidating, I feel so uncomfortable when shes shouting at her children with me there,but i've always tried really hard with her and given her no reason to dislike me,as I said she's commenting on my personal life and decisions,and not my personality. My boyfriend says she's worried my decisions will affect him,but the things she's talking about are none of her business and don't affect him either.

Wagon

anon123 wrote: »

My boyfriend says she's worried my decisions will affect him,but the things she's talking about are none of her business and don't affect him either.

I'm fairly sure he knows this already. He seems like he has his head screwed on his shoulders.

The reason he find it so hard to stand up to her is because he's been listening to her shít for his whole life, which isn't his fault because we can't choose our parents. What are the consequences if he doesn't call her?

Barracudaincork

anon123 wrote: »

It's not that she's making up stuff,she's just judging my career choices,comments on my families money etc.. Things that don't concern her.

I used to like her, I was always shy around her, because she's really intimidating, I feel so uncomfortable when shes shouting at her children with me there,but i've always tried really hard with her and given her no reason to dislike me,as I said she's commenting on my personal life and decisions,and not my personality. My boyfriend says she's worried my decisions will affect him,but the things she's talking about are none of her business and don't affect him either.

I feel for you, trust me unless your family are royality or your career success would make Oprah look like a twobit tv host, no career, family or choices you make would be good enough or the right ones etc You do realise and know that right? (just checking that you dont beleive any of her tripe tbh).

She doesnt sound like a bully, she IS a bully! She bullies all her kids by the sound of it, how do their partners deal with her?

LegacyUser

Wagon wrote: »

I'm fairly sure he knows this already. He seems like he has his head screwed on his shoulders.

The reason he find it so hard to stand up to her is because he's been listening to her shít for his whole life, which isn't his fault because we can't choose our parents. What are the consequences if he doesn't call her?

If she can't get through to him,or if he hasn't called,it's shouting down the phone then she hangs up,I mean it's so childish

LegacyUser

Barracudaincork wrote: »

I feel for you, trust me unless your family are royality or your career success would make Oprah look like a twobit tv host, no career, family or choices you make would be good enough or the right ones etc You do realise and know that right? (just checking that you dont beleive any of her tripe tbh).

She doesnt sound like a bully, she IS a bully! She bullies all her kids by the sound of it, how do their partners deal with her?

Her husband usually does nothing,but sides with her. but recently he's joined in,which obviously shows it's getting a hell of a lot worse. I don't know what to do, I mean on one hand it's my boyfriend in the middle,but it's kinda like i'm getting in the middle of him and his family too. I don't want to hurt him, she's really hurt me with what she says but she is his mother.

kenbrady

anon123 wrote: »

Her husband usually does nothing,but sides with her. but recently he's joined in,which obviously shows it's getting a hell of a lot worse. I don't know what to do, I mean on one hand it's my boyfriend in the middle,but it's kinda like i'm getting in the middle of him and his family too. I don't want to hurt him, she's really hurt me with what she says but she is his mother.

Do you really want to be with someone who lets his mother bully him and insult his girlfriend. Fair enough if he puts up with her treating him badly because she is his mother and he feels he has too, but he should stand up for you and defend you. There is nothing you can do about this, he has to do it.
You can put up with this for the next 20-30 year until she is dead and then they will talk about what a saint she was. Or you can tell him you are not tolerating abusive behavior and interference in your life. Either he sorts it out or you walk.

LegacyUser

kenbrady wrote: »

Do you really want to be with someone who lets his mother bully him and insult his girlfriend. Fair enough if he puts up with her treating him badly because she is his mother and he feels he has too, but he should stand up for you and defend you. There is nothing you can do about this, he has to do it.
You can put up with this for the next 20-30 year until she is dead and then they will talk about what a saint she was. Or you can tell him you are not tolerating abusive behavior and interference in your life. Either he sorts it out or you walk.

He has tried to confront her and she says all this bs like ''I have nothing against the girl,she's a grand girl'' (so complementary ) but then makes excuses,bad ones,for what she says. She's only gotten worse and I don't see her changing,or even apologising. But I don't want to end his relationship with her,I just want her to be glad we're visiting,and not give her opinions etc.. I don't want her to be the Grandmother of my children, but I can't imagine having children with anybody but him.

Barracudaincork

kenbrady wrote: »

Do you really want to be with someone who lets his mother bully him and insult his girlfriend.

In the guys defense he has dealt with this all his life and is more than likely scared of her, its not as clear cut as "man up and grow some balls etc etc" He has been bullied by her all his life too and its never easy to stand up to a bully if you are the one being bullied.

Wagon

anon123 wrote: »

If she can't get through to him,or if he hasn't called,it's shouting down the phone then she hangs up,I mean it's so childish

why doesnt he just not just answer the phone to her?

hollis12

kenbrady wrote: »

You deal with your issue with her. She says something negative about her, reprimand her, don't insult her back, just tell her how rude and inappropriate her behavior is. Speak to her like a child if that is how she behaves.

Your boyfriend needs to deal with his own issues. Nothing you can do about it. If he can't stand up to his mother he's not much of a man. You can't fight his battles for him.

bullsh*t i counsel many people in this situation let me tell you what she is doing is psychological abuse she seems extremely narcissistic, she fears his independence more than anything and destroys his confidence when he shows independent thought, actions ect.

when a mother is in the wrong and abuses a child al the way into adulthood it is often the child who feels he is in the wrong.

his confidence and spirit would have taken constant knocks from this woman if she says things about you, you can bet she says it about him. i grew up with parents like that in the end when i was put down again and again i simply said get help to them, that seemed to work and you could say it to his mother next time she insults you.

what she makes him think is that he cant stand up for himself, its not the fact that he is incapable convince him that he deserves better than this.

LegacyUser

Wagon wrote: »

why doesnt he just not just answer the phone to her?

...it's only if he misses a call like