my book

kcim

Have a read of my book and let me know what you think

This is a story about a young teenage boy who one night learns that he is the King to a magical kingdom of Arana.

In a world that knows no illness or debilitating disease, where death is only achievable through decapitation or being stabbed directly through the heart. An evil warlock, by the name of Lord Rickhard, the one with the evil eye, sets about his plan to rule the magical land of Arana with the ultimate goal, to rule the none magical world – our world. Lord Rickhard is an evil elf who raged war on the people. In the final battle between King Adair and Rickhard, the two elves both used their powers to defeat the other.

But in the end it was the traditional weapons, which ended the fight. Adair sliced Rickhard’s right arm off just below his elbow with one clean swipe of his sword. But Rickhard was just too strong for King Adair and eventually, drove a dagger straight through his armor-plated chest plunging it deep into his heart. Since having his arm sliced off by Adair, Rickhard had a mechanical arm made from metal attached that worked as good as a regular arm. If not, better.

What Lord Rickhard didn’t know was that Adair’s wife (Queen Zora) was pregnant with their very first child.

Its a fantasy epic for the young adults

http://www.authonomy.com/ViewBook.aspx?bookid=17072

cheers

pickarooney

Hi Kcim,

I know you have a synopsis on the page you linked to, but if you tell us a little more about what you've written on the thread it would be more likely to encourage discussion. Are you looking for any specific type of feedback? Is the book finished or does it still need rewriting? Are there any parts of the book you would like specifically looked at?

I'll read the first chapter in any case and let you know what I think.

kcim

Thanks Pickarooney. I'm looking for any type of feedback really good or bad. this is my first attempt at writing anything. I've just passed the 50,000 word mark with 172 pages. I've just uploaded the first 4 chapters of it.

EileenG

I'm still reading, but one thing that jumped out at me is the number of mis-spellings and over use of commas. You really need to go back and tidy it up, it's very distracting.

I feel you could work on your descriptions. Vera is a "short stumpy rounded woman who waddled like a penguin" and who has an enormous chest. But somehow she is also a very attractive fiery headed beauty with high cheekbones.

As the author, you have to stay out of the story. Lines like "I don't think she believed him" or "Imagine how you would react if someone knocked on your door with a baby" just remind the reader that this is a story you made up.

On a technical note, you start with Tim and Vera living in a small house, then turn it into a flat. Also in 1935, only very rich people owned cars.

Why is that you have details about Tim making financial plans, and absolutely nothing about the problems of looking after a baby who was dumped on them without warning?

pickarooney

EileenG wrote: »

I feel you could work on your descriptions. Vera is a "short stumpy rounded woman who waddled like a penguin" and who has an enormous chest. But somehow she is also a very attractive fiery headed beauty with high cheekbones.

You don't see Bette Midler?

I won't have time to read this before Monday, but the first two things I noticed, in the introduction:

Is the evil guy called 'Rickhard' or 'Rikkard'. Both spellings are used.

The kingdom names (Trisha, Sharon, etc. backwards) are dodgy. Going by your user name it's a bit of a 'thing' but I don't think it adds anything.

kcim

thanks eileen, much appreciate it

kcim

Is the evil guy called 'Rickhard' or 'Rikkard'. Both spellings are used.
Yeah I was just trying out the two different spellings

The kingdom names (Trisha, Sharon, etc. backwards) are dodgy. Going by your user name it's a bit of a 'thing' but I don't think it adds anything.
No flies on you! Trisha is my daughter and Sharon is my partner. You dont like the names?

EileenG

Ohh, I've just met the "crappy old woman" in the hospital.

EileenG

Can I ask if there is some sort of ranking system used by the people who are giving reviews on that site? It's just that many of them are giving you reviews which remind me of the writing groups where all feedback must be positive, with no mention of the some of the mistakes that jumped out at me.

kcim

EileenG wrote: »

Ohh, I've just met the "crappy old woman" in the hospital.

I'm 29 who somtimes still gets mixed up with B and Ps. What does that tell u? Thanks for pointing it out as I wouldn't have noticed it.

EileenG

From what I've read, your story has a lot of potential, but it also has a lot of problems.

For me, the biggest one is the whole "Abandoning the rightful heir in the back of beyond" device. Even my nine year old, who adores Twitches, reckons this is the weak part of the plot. WHY would Zora go to earth, have her baby in secret and then dump him on some strangers who have no idea how to protect him or train him? Even if he manages to grow up in one piece, he's totally untrained to be king or even to use magic. It would make more sense to do the "Talking to Dragons" thing and for Zora to live in a cottage somewhere and bring him up out of sight of the evil king.

Also, by the rules you've set up, Rikkard has beaten all the other kings, so he is now the rightful king and has no need to worry about killing off any stray heirs.

I'm not saying you can't do it, but you need to come up with a compelling reason why you do it. Something that would make a woman who has just given birth hand her baby over to complete strangers with no explanations. By the way, how did she pick them? How did she know they wouldn't hand him straight to the nearest orphanage?

Again, you've specified that your elves can't be killed or seriously injured, so what's with the broken back?

You badly need to do a lot of rewriting. Spell check everything, and if you can't do it, get someone else to do a grammar check. You need to get rid of all the little editorial comments, and to do a lot more showing, less telling. The "crappy old woman" was not the only mis-spelling that jumps out.

I didn't realise it at first, but this story is about Hector, right? So you need to start with him. You can flash back to Zora, and build in Tim and Vera as secondary characters, but the way the story is structured right now, they are the main characters, not Hector.

kcim

this is the sort of feedback I need as all comments on that site aren't actually constructive - mind you the comments are encouraging. thanks for taking the time out of your day for reading greatly appreciated.