lies and dating websites

LegacyUser

hi all, i'll make this brief.
met a guy on line a few months ago - we dated for 3 months - he deleted his profile on line - but he ended it due to something I did wrong in his eyes and he could not get past it.
Said that anyway he is better off alone as he has been **** on before and cant trust girls. I did like him and was hurt but got over it.

But I am now back on line and I think so is he.
i the profile in question looks identical to the old one.
I sent a message saying I though he wanted to be single? He relied as if not knowing me - but I am 99% sure that it is him.

I then texted him asked him about it an he denies it point blank. He reckons he is on back on line.

The only reason I am annoyed by this is because I trusted him and we said that we would be mates which we have been and i hate being lied to. I would never lie to anyone and he knows how I feel about lies.
Where do I go from here?

Is there any way I can prove it is or not him?

Its just that I cant be friends with him if he is lying to me. I

LegacyUser

Sorry to be blunt here OP but I'd just move on. Delete his number and don't contact him again via the website.

Have been down the road of dating websites - have to say I became VERY disillusioned with the opposite sex. I do believe there are genuine people on dating websites - I just never found them.

We all do that 'maybe we can be friends' stuff when we break up with someone. But the only people who really want to be friends after a break-up, are the ones who want to get back together. Again, pardon the bluntness but he's just not that into you and has decided to find someone else. As you have, if you are also back online I assume??

Move on.

Miss Fluff

lieswww wrote: »

Said that anyway he is better off alone as he has been **** on before and cant trust girls. I did like him and was hurt but got over it.

This sounds like one of the usual damage limitation lines. Along the lines of "It's not you, it's me", "I'd really like us to stay friends", "I'm just not in that zone" etc etc. It's what people say to spare the other person's feelings. So when he says he is better off alone, he probably means he feels he is better off without you specifically.

Not being harsh, but that would be the way it appears to be OP. So he probably is back online and is saying he is not to spare your feelings.

AnonoBoy

Simple solution to all of this. Just leave him alone.

LegacyUser

Miss Fluff wrote: »

Not being harsh, but that would be the way it appears to be OP. So he probably is back online and is saying he is not to spare your feelings.

I'd agree with this. He hasn't actually done anything wrong. He's just a guy looking for a girl he clicks with. And you're a girl looking for a guy you click with. The click didn't happen between you two, which is no reflection on either him or you. It sucks and it hurts, but there's nothing really you can do about it

Barracudaincork

lieswww wrote: »

Is there any way I can prove it is or not him?

Why would you want to? What difference will it make? Are you interested in this person if its not him? Or do you just want to prove you were right?

All in all OP, id say this is just a simple case of it wasnt gonna work out long term for whatever reason and he was trying to avoid hurting you etc I suspect that when he went back on line, he wasnt expecting to be challenged about it over the website or text, esp as it wasnt a serious thing you guys had.

These things are never nice to experience, but try and just forget about him and focus on finding a new fella instead (much more fun that looking at the past!).

LegacyUser

hi thanks for all your replies.

Its just the lies that get to me - as we said we would be friends - he was only texting me yerterday asking how I was etc. But how can I be friends with him while thinking what he said was true - even if it was not and then see him on line?

Yeah I guess he thought he was sparing my feelings but look at how it ended up in the long run - i would have prefered to have been told the truth and then there would be no problem - I have moved on.. hence i'm on the site again.

but if it is not him - and I do think it is - well then at least i can clear the air.

Just would be awful if I meet him in the street now - thats the prob I have with lies - and they always come back to haunt you.

LegacyUser

lieswww wrote: »

hi thanks for all your replies.

Its just the lies that get to me - as we said we would be friends - he was only texting me yerterday asking how I was etc. But how can I be friends with him while thinking what he said was true - even if it was not and then see him on line?

Yeah I guess he thought he was sparing my feelings but look at how it ended up in the long run - i would have prefered to have been told the truth and then there would be no problem - I have moved on.. hence i'm on the site again.

He sounds like a really nice guy. Texting you to see how you are? He's been very clear that he doesn't think the two of you will work out. Of course he said that he didn't want a relationship-would you really have been happier (be totally honest with yourself on this) if he said point blank to your face 'I don't like you that much?'. Because that's what it comes down to. Once again, that's no reflection on either you or him. Just the way things go, and it takes time to get over it.
Worrying that he's lying to hurt you is not helping you get over him.

LegacyUser

when he ended it is was apparently because he could not forgive me for what I had done. The bit about wanting to be alone cam later.. during when we were no longer together. nice my eye - he is a liar - as now I question everything he said.

LegacyUser

lieswww wrote: »

nice my eye - he is a liar - as now I question everything he said.

If you already know he's a liar, why are you looking for a way to get proof he's a liar? Sounds like a waste of your energy to me

LegacyUser

OP, could you tell us a bit more about what you did wrong in his eyes? Might give us a bit more clairity with regards to him still liking you, but not being able to forgive...perhaps he's trying to make you jealous??

e04bf099

You sound very obsessive. You're not married and he does not want to be with you, so he has every right to lie to you. He has every right to do whatever he wants. If you think that he is lying and therefore do not want to be friends with him then don't text him back and don't send him messages. Have you ever thought that maybe he is justified in lying to you? I mean, you're not his mother, ffs!

newmember2

Forget about him. Maybe everything he told you was lies. Maybe you did nothing wrong but he pretended he was offended by whatever you did. You don't know. What you do know is that he doesn't want to be with you. Rejection hurts, I know, but it's his loss, and you can move on and find someone where everything will just fall into place naturally.

The Recliner

e04bf099 wrote: »

You sound very obsessive. You're not married and he does not want to be with you, so he has every right to lie to you. He has every right to do whatever he wants. If you think that he is lying and therefore do not want to be friends with him then don't text him back and don't send him messages. Have you ever thought that maybe he is justified in lying to you? I mean, you're not his mother, ffs!

Banned for a month for unhelpful posting

Please re-read the charter before coming back

LegacyUser

i ignored him at my bday party - and things were not the same since. he said that, there was no need for the "i think i prefer to be single"..

he wanted to be mates more than me - and it defo is him on line..

the problem this leaves me with is how do I trust men again? he seemed so genuine - i have to say I was not mad about him romantically but I thought he was honest and thats why I wanted to be friends too.

booksale

imo, it's nothing about trust, it's about acceptance. accept people are different and they deal with things differently. (though i also prefer to be told honestly so i know where i stand)

he may be a coward to admit that, or he may be indecisive atm he said that line. indeed i don't really think he did lie. maybe atm, he really felt he was not ready.

and later on, he wants the intimacy or whatever in a relationship again. it's natural we have those desire.

no matter what, he does not like you enough and that's the fact. it's not easy to digest but we have to accept it as well.

and if he makes you feel uncomfortable, then maybe not even be friends of him.

LegacyUser

yeah i just hate lies - i am v honest and so I guess I cannot understand when others are not.
he was mad about me before we had the row - and he blew it all out of proportion. he did try to get over it but after 6 weeks he said his head was wrecked. he was really hurt before and said he was done with women. he was more upset that me.

i would have liked to stay friends - but now i cant - and yeah I guess I just have to accept it and move on. i always like to get to the bottom of things but I guess people are different - guess thats what makes relationships so difficult.

i know he is not worth the energy - i do not know why I bother - some people are great at letting go - not me. have to work on that.

Mozart1986

Trust men? What are you talking about? You are just being melodramatic. I reckon that you led him on, ignored him when he was at your b-day party with your friends, and he caught on in time and broke it off. Once you've broken things off then he is free to say/do whatever he wants. He has no attachment to you and can lie all he wants. People lie all the time, ffs, for all sorts of reasons. He didn't want you to know that he was on a dating site, get over it. Its actually rude and inconsiderate of you to push for an answer when he clearly doesn't want to give you one.

Chinafoot

OP, do you actually expect this guy to never look for a girl online again because he once told you he wanted to be single? Genuine question. Does changing his mind make him a liar? Thats a very skewed way of thinking if this is what you believe.

He didn't want to be in a relationship when he finished things with you. Maybe he decided that, while he was hurt by your behaviour and felt untrusting, he should get back out there and try to find someone else. He's perfectly entitled to do so and you have no right whatsoever to question him like you have been. Maybe it is him and maybe it isn't. Its not really any of your business. You met online and dated for three months, we're not talking years of friendship being destroyed by lies. He has no obligation to you.

How do you know he's lying? You don't actually know anything. You've asked him and he's said no. You need to accept his answer and move on. He had a very valid reason for ending things with you as it sounds as though your behaviour was very disrespectful. In my experience people as honest as you claim to be don't treat people like that.

Perhaps instead of trying to make out this guy is a lying asshole, you should take a look at your own actions here and maybe take note of how irrational you're being.

LegacyUser

what is with the abuse?

he did lie an lied again when i asked him if it was him or not. we were suppose to be friends - he texted me the day before asking how i was. how can i just pretend to be friends with him and reply as normal when it is obvious to both of us that he is lying?

and the fact that people lie? i have good friends who are honest and I am a good friend an do not lie - thankfully.

Mozart1986

lieswww wrote: »

what is with the abuse?

he did lie an lied again when i asked him if it was him or not. we were suppose to be friends - he texted me the day before asking how i was. how can i just pretend to be friends with him and reply as normal when it is obvious to both of us that he is lying?

and the fact that people lie? i have good friends who are honest and I am a good friend an do not lie - thankfully.

Nobody is abusing you. At what point has he done anything wrong. Do you think that people aren't aloud to lie to you? My friends lie to me. They don't do it to hurt me, they do it because they like privacy in some matters. You're friends aren't you? You're not married, you're not even going out. You don't respect him. Thats most likely why you didn't feel romantically enraptured by him, why you ignored him at your b-day, why he broke it off and why you now think that he shouldn't lie to you. When you start repsecting him, you will very quickly forgive him for lying, and therefore will be able to be friends. Fair play to him, I hope he finds someone.

LegacyUser

Mozart1986 wrote: »

Nobody is abusing you. At what point has he done anything wrong. Do you think that people aren't aloud to lie to you? My friends lie to me. They don't do it to hurt me, they do it because they like privacy in some matters. You're friends aren't you? You're not married, you're not even going out. You don't respect him. Thats most likely why you didn't feel romantically enraptured by him, why you ignored him at your b-day, why he broke it off and why you now think that he shouldn't lie to you. When you start repsecting him, you will very quickly forgive him for lying, and therefore will be able to be friends. Fair play to him, I hope he finds someone.

oh my god - some imagination you have there.,

Zaph

So it's ok for you to be back using the site to find someone new, but he has to stay single for an indeterminate length of time just so you can be happy that he wasn't lying to you? You're not going out with him any more and he's a big boy who is entitled to do whatever he wants. If that offends your sensibilities in some way, well then that's your problem, but I see no reason why he needs to put his life on hold just so he can be friends with you. I suggest you either leave him alone or accept that that's just the way things are now and keep him as a friend.

jenga-jen

OP this doesn't sound like you're 'over' this lad at all...

If you were, you wouldn't look at his page or for his page out of anything other than mild curiosity.

My advice is that, regardless of these 'alleged' lies, you clearly aren't in a place to be friends with him.

If you were out in a group one night and he kissed some girl on the dancefloor, would you strop off/have a go at him?

He's single now and that means he doesn't have to answer to you. That might be his profile, it might not. Either way, you can't prove it and insisting on an answer and/or accusing him of being a liar is going to land you in a very sticky situation.

If you can't play nice with the rules/situation as they stand now, then possibly best idea is to stop trying to be friends with him.

Mozart1986

lieswww wrote: »

oh my god - some imagination you have there.,

I read exactly what you said and gave you the best advice that you are going to get. All of my presuppositions were said by you explicitly. Respect his privacy. He does not have to admit that he is using dating websites again if he doesnt want you to know. For your sake and his, BE AN ADULT!

Goodluck;)

ash23

It's quite simple OP, he doesn't want the aggro.

You weren't overly interested in him by your own admission. I'm sure he picked up on this before your party. You ignoring him at the party was the icing on the cake. He was being Mr Nice guy, reeling out the usual "Lets stay friends" thing. Maybe he genuinely meant it. But I'm guessing you kept pushing and pushing for a reason (because he was more into you than you were into him so the old ego was a bit bruised by being dumped by him!) and eventually he chose the cowards way out and told you he wanted to be single.
Of course he didn't want to be single. People rarely do! Or maybe on that particular day(after much pestering) he genuinely did think he'd rather be single.
But he eventually went back looking for someone new. As did you. But then you basically started giving out to him for being back on the site. So he lied for an easy life.

Get over it OP.
Be friends with him, don't be friends with him...whatever. But don't try to stop him from living his life.

mood

Zaph wrote: »

So it's ok for you to be back using the site to find someone new, but he has to stay single for an indeterminate length of time just so you can be happy that he wasn't lying to you? You're not going out with him any more and he's a big boy who is entitled to do whatever he wants. If that offends your sensibilities in some way, well then that's your problem, but I see no reason why he needs to put his life on hold just so he can be friends with you. I suggest you either leave him alone or accept that that's just the way things are now and keep him as a friend.

I agree. You sound like a drama queen. To be honest I don't blame him for ending it after you ignored him at your party. That was a very childish thing to do and if you were into him you simply wouldn't have done something like that.

AnonoBoy

Why do you want to be friends with him if you're insistent that he's a liar?

Leave him well enough alone.

Honestly, you sound like you're just looking to have a big fight with the guy.

It's none of your business if he's on the dating site again.

LegacyUser

ok, lots of imput here...

to wrap it up - I dont care anymore - you are right - i do not wanna be mates with him anyway.
When he ended it he said it was cos he did not trust me. He was free to go back on line or what ever. It was he who later came out with the "i am finished with girls" long after it was over.

He was the one who wanted to be mates - I bought him tickets for a gig and he still wanted me to go to it with him even though its ages away.

If he wanted to be mates he should have thought the fact that I would see him on line and after his wanting to be single.

My prob is - he is the one who wants to be friends - got a text from him asking me to talk to him but i'm done with it. Not fighting with him but reckon he does not know what he wants. I'll leave him to grow up.

Also, with regards to my bday - it was a misunderstanding and if that was enough to put him off them god bless his poor little cotton socks.

I'm glad I have more of a back bone anyway and the maturity to be honest!

mood

londoner nther wrote: »

ok, lots of imput here...

to wrap it up - I dont care anymore - you are right - i do not wanna be mates with him anyway.
When he ended it he said it was cos he did not trust me. He was free to go back on line or what ever. It was he who later came out with the "i am finished with girls" long after it was over.

He was the one who wanted to be mates - I bought him tickets for a gig and he still wanted me to go to it with him even though its ages away.

If he wanted to be mates he should have thought the fact that I would see him on line and after his wanting to be single.

My prob is - he is the one who wants to be friends - got a text from him asking me to talk to him but i'm done with it. Not fighting with him but reckon he does not know what he wants. I'll leave him to grow up.

Also, with regards to my bday - it was a misunderstanding and if that was enough to put him off them god bless his poor little cotton socks.

I'm glad I have more of a back bone anyway and the maturity to be honest!

You can't seriously expect him not to try to meet someone else. Everyone says thing's like 'I'm finished with girls/guys' or 'I want to be friends' or 'I want to be single'. It softens the blow. It doesn't mean they really mean it or that they are a liar if and when they start dating/looking again.

I agree with who ever said it's none of you business if he is on the dating site again.

IF he did lie it's because:
a) he didn't want to hurt/insult you
b) it's none of your business and he wants to keep it private
c) just to keep the peace and avoil the hassle of you trowing a hissy fit

LegacyUser

c) just to keep the peace and avoil the hassle of you trowing a hissy fit[/QUOTE]

its not private - we met on the site in question

as for keeping the peace - it was over and things were fine - as I said the declaration came afterwards - and the peace was not kept.

anyway... thanks though - need to be stay away from men who are insecure

Barracudaincork

lieswww wrote: »

- need to be stay away from men who are insecure

OP thats a good idea, but you need to also work on your own insecurity, you went through an awful lot of hassle for a "friend", would you have ever behaved thay way if the person was female and therefore more in the friend zone or if you never dated this person?

Lies are never nice, but sometimes essential and im sorry white lies upset you so much, its both an admiral and annoying trait tbh

Best of luck with your search for Mr Right!!!

mood

lieswww wrote: »

c) just to keep the peace and avoil the hassle of you trowing a hissy fit

its not private - we met on the site in question

as for keeping the peace - it was over and things were fine - as I said the declaration came afterwards - and the peace was not kept.

anyway... thanks though - need to be stay away from men who are insecure[/QUOTE]

But if he chose to use the site again just because you two had meet that way doesn't mean he was obliged to tell you or that he didn't want to keep it private. He created a new profile (assuming it was him) so therefore that indicated that he wanted to keep it from you i.e. private. He is entitled to that and for you to think anything else is unreasonable.