am i a head case???

LegacyUser

whenever someone dumps me i just lose the head - i say awful things to them and then they never speak to me again. I just feel so angry that they are dumping me. I am seeing a counsellor and I thought I had fixed it a bit but recently a guy told me he wasnt that interested and I just lost it. Now he ignores me. Plus I barely knew him to be honost. I feel awful upset that I do this - maybe part of me wants them to hate me so I wont have hope they will come back - I hate not knowing things for sure and uncertainty. So give me harsh answers which I know Il get - If you dumped someone and they called you awful names - would you think they are mental???

Barracudaincork

am_i_mad?? wrote: »

If you dumped someone and they called you awful names - would you think they are mental???

No, but that is because i try and not use that word willynilly, as it brings a lot of stigma to people who do suffer from mental issues.

I would however think you were childish, rude and very insecure about yourself to get so upset over someone who played a small role in your life. (please dont think im attacking you here, im merely calling it how i see it, which is what you asked)

Why you do it? Well maybe for the reasons I say above or maybe because of what you say (you dont like uncertainty etc) Main thing is, do you want to change this behaviour?

LegacyUser

Hey OP, Just wondering have you had a psych evaluation as none of us here can tell if you are 'mad' as you put it. No-one only a professional can judge that!

It sounds like you take rejection very badly and the person goes from being the best thing since sliced bread to the Devil Incarnate and your worse enemy in 30 seconds.

If this is so then that is called splitting, where you love the person to bits when they love you but if they reject you you lose the plot and hate their guts.

It is a very exhausting way to live and painful too. Some people are just made that way and I know its very, very hard to control.

Tell your counsellor about it and see if you can get referred on if you are interested in exploring it all further. With a bit of talking things can make a lot more sense and you can learn to control your behaviour and one of the nice side effects of that is people will stay around more.

People like easygoing people and people who are easy to be around. Some of us are born highly strung and that is just the way we are, there is nothing wrong with you but you can learn how to spot behaviours in yourself that might be offputting to others. As it is lonely if you find you are driving everyone away!

Best of luck

LegacyUser

Barracudaincork wrote: »

No, but that is because i try and not use that word willynilly, as it brings a lot of stigma to people who do suffer from mental issues.

I would however think you were childish, rude and very insecure about yourself to get so upset over someone who played a small role in your life. (please dont think im attacking you here, im merely calling it how i see it, which is what you asked)

Why you do it? Well maybe for the reasons I say above or maybe because of what you say (you dont like uncertainty etc) Main thing is, do you want to change this behaviour?

of course i want to change - thats why i pay 50euro an hour to a counsellor! I guess I am insecure - and feel who are you to dump me at the same time. My head is melted at times thinking of everything I have no self control - i sent him a text to say fine when he said we should see other people and I should have left it at that. I said the insults by text and my counsellor said that its like I dont see the person when i get like this. Id never say any of the stuff I said to these guys face to face - It would be too awful. I want to hurt the person like they hurt me so I resort to name calling. But as with all counselling - It comes from issues with my childhood which is true. Its so darn hard - I want to be in control all the time. But ive learned from my counsellor this is wrong. She will be so dissappointed when I tell her I lost the head again

LegacyUser

Hi Op,

You will find that there is a direct association with your handling of these men splitting up with you, and your feelings of rejection as a kid. I speak from experience.
I imagine perhaps your mother/father/siblings rejected you in some way. As kids, we don't know how to handle rejection and so we attack. As kids, we attack perhaps not the person who has rejected us, but other people/toys/whatever around us.
As adults, we should have learned not to do this when we are rejected.
I never did - I had to, like you, see a counsellor who explained all of the above to me - once I understood that I was attacking (as a form of defence) these random men purely because it was a pattern I had learned as a child, I began to unlearn the pattern.

These days, I am happily married with 2 children myself - my poor husband would have been at the receiving end of my attacks when i thought he was rejecting me at the start of our relationship. But thankfully for me, he hung around and once I got to the bottom of it, everything changed.

My advice would be stick with the counselling. All knowledge is good - when you get to the bottom of why you do it, you can learn how to do it differently.

Barracudaincork

Your counsellor is not there to judge you, so she wont be disappointed in you.

I think OP you have acted rather oddly etc but the most important thing is that you realise this and you are getting help. Nothing is going to change overnight, so be patient and less harsh on yourself as you go through this process. Your not a bad person, you just have issues, like the most of us, you just arent dealing with them that well at the moment, but you will in the future, i have no doubt about that!

Again im not trying to have a go at you, but your first line response to my last question re changing was typed with anger, i felt it as i read it. Im not going to say relax, chill out etc as that isnt very helpful, but i do think you should know that i was taken back by your response, when i felt i was just trying to help.

As I said, be kind to yourself and give it time, you will get there!!!

irishh_bob

op here wrote: »

of course i want to change - thats why i pay 50euro an hour to a counsellor! I guess I am insecure - and feel who are you to dump me at the same time. My head is melted at times thinking of everything I have no self control - i sent him a text to say fine when he said we should see other people and I should have left it at that. I said the insults by text and my counsellor said that its like I dont see the person when i get like this. Id never say any of the stuff I said to these guys face to face - It would be too awful. I want to hurt the person like they hurt me so I resort to name calling. But as with all counselling - It comes from issues with my childhood which is true. Its so darn hard - I want to be in control all the time. But ive learned from my counsellor this is wrong. She will be so dissappointed when I tell her I lost the head again

may i ask what you called your ex , thier are degrees of abuse

LegacyUser

Splitting? wrote: »

Hey OP, Just wondering have you had a psych evaluation as none of us here can tell if you are 'mad' as you put it. No-one only a professional can judge that!

It sounds like you take rejection very badly and the person goes from being the best thing since sliced bread to the Devil Incarnate and your worse enemy in 30 seconds.

If this is so then that is called splitting, where you love the person to bits when they love you but if they reject you you lose the plot and hate their guts.

It is a very exhausting way to live and painful too. Some people are just made that way and I know its very, very hard to control.

Tell your counsellor about it and see if you can get referred on if you are interested in exploring it all further. With a bit of talking things can make a lot more sense and you can learn to control your behaviour and one of the nice side effects of that is people will stay around more.

People like easygoing people and people who are easy to be around. Some of us are born highly strung and that is just the way we are, there is nothing wrong with you but you can learn how to spot behaviours in yourself that might be offputting to others. As it is lonely if you find you are driving everyone away!

Best of luck

that splitting theory is interesting - might bring it up with counsellor next time. its just frustrating that ive ruined another frienship again.

LegacyUser

Barracudaincork wrote: »

Your counsellor is not there to judge you, so she wont be disappointed in you.

I think OP you have acted rather oddly etc but the most important thing is that you realise this and you are getting help. Nothing is going to change overnight, so be patient and less harsh on yourself as you go through this process. Your not a bad person, you just have issues, like the most of us, you just arent dealing with them that well at the moment, but you will in the future, i have no doubt about that!

Again im not trying to have a go at you, but your first line response to my last question re changing was typed with anger, i felt it as i read it. Im not going to say relax, chill out etc as that isnt very helpful, but i do think you should know that i was taken back by your response, when i felt i was just trying to help.

As I said, be kind to yourself and give it time, you will get there!!!

sorry i didnt mean for it to come out like that - it wasnt in a rude way. As i posted its so frustrating that i ruin relationships

LegacyUser

irishh_bob wrote: »

may i ask what you called your ex , thier are degrees of abuse

ah - well he's a bit older than me so I made remarks about that, I hate you, weird, I was glad I wouldnt see him again ( i only knew this guy about two months so not justified to call him these names) other ex - was with him 3 years - said alot worse. I hope he died, I cursed at him. All via text - none face to face. Not making it out to be better.

Barracudaincork

op here wrote: »

sorry i didnt mean for it to come out like that - it wasnt in a rude way. As i posted its so frustrating that i ruin relationships

No worries, its ok. I just told you so you could see how others see things etc So get rid of that frown!

irishh_bob

op again wrote: »

ah - well he's a bit older than me so I made remarks about that, I hate you, weird, I was glad I wouldnt see him again ( i only knew this guy about two months so not justified to call him these names) other ex - was with him 3 years - said alot worse. I hope he died, I cursed at him. All via text - none face to face. Not making it out to be better.

while unpleasant , not what i would call deranged , you seem to be very regretfull of what you said so all in all , i think your being very hard on yourself by questioning as to whether you are a headcase , remember , genuine crazy people never think they are mad , thier is far too much talk of people needing councelling nowadays , beit talking to loud on the bus or not saying please and thank you , it seems we all need to look inwards and pay a hefty price to have someone dig out those inner thoughts

personally , i dont subscribe to it

shellyboo

On a practical level, deleting the number immediately would be a good start, or failing that just turning your phone off for a few hours. Like you say, the latest incident you didn't reply with abuse straight away, it was later - maybe make sure that your phone is put away if a similar rejection happens again, just for a few hours, until you calm down.

As for getting calm - writing things down might help. Get a journal (a private one, obviously) where you can have a good rant on paper. It's very therapeutic to get emotions out of your system in that way.

LegacyUser

I think you didnt see it coming, a lack of judgement, and you're angry with yourself more than him. Deleting the number is probably best, and get a stress ball or a punch bag! Its all a learning experience

force majeure

No you are not mad... disappointed and let down yes but not mad. The fact is when people fall for others we tend to build up our hopes that this is finely it, then when the unexpected comes around we are left knocked for five. All i can say is you need to look to yourself for help as at the end off everyday they well be no one else to help console you.
Do no fall in to the trap off asking yourself why it went wrong but instead ask yourself what can you do to make sure the next one works. Thats not much use to you now as your going to be falling sideways for a good while but remember... every one goes through this at several times in their lives, it is the way it is and nothing can change it.
No point in looking at happy couples on tv or walking the street as for every happy couple you see their are 5 people not at all happy, unhappy people just tend not to be noticed.
Keep well and keep it in mind that their is someone for every one... time just tends to be slow in that regard. after all, do you still feel the same way about your first crush love as you do about the last !!!
you could be surprised at how the next one works out.