am I wrong to feel like this?

LegacyUser

First off this isn't to do with a romantic/sexual relationship. Its to do with friendship but, I think anyway, it still qualifies under a relationship related topic so I'm posting here.

I'll keep it short as I can while trying to explain everything. I met a this girl through a friend a good while back. We got along well etc.. and that was great. It was clear there was nothing romantic there on either of our parts.I did my level best to make that clear from the outset as she's physically very attractive and gets a lot of attention. I made sure she knew that I wasn't interested in her for that reason.

Basically we'd both had our work scaled back and we lived in the same area so instead of kicking our heels being bored at home we'd meet up for lunch or just to hang out and catch up the odd time. As I said we get on well and always had a laugh together.

I knew she had moved home from abroad not too long before I met her and over time she eventually told me she'd moved to another country with this lad (bascially sold her house, quit her job and all the stuff that goes with it) only for him to start cheating on her when she got there. So she came home with her tail between her legs and her heart broken.

Anyway, overtime shes got herself back to 100% and I'm delighted for her. She goes out more and has started taking an interest in dating again. I think its great because shes a good person and deserves to have stuff go her way.

The thing is lately that she's started to ignore me. I text her asking her did she want to go to lunch (which was normally a day we meet up anyway) and she didn't text me back until the next day, which is no big deal, but she said 'Couldn't meet you for lunch because I had a date that night'.

I thought it was a bit strange not being able to meet someone in the afternoon when having a date in the evening but sure whats it got to do with me anyway. So I just asked her how she got on etc.. and she said she had a good time. Anyway, progressively shes gotten a little more distant and less inclined to stay in contact with me.

Now I don't begrude her other friennds, or dating lads or whatever. Its good she has other stuff to do. And I'm not stuck for friends or other things to do myself. Howevr, now we come to the crunch.

I was talking to her saying we must catch up I haven't seen you in a while and all that craic. She said yeah no problem sometime this week. Anyway I sent her a text yesterday asking when would be good for her.

She sent me a reply saying 'I'm a bit more busy these days, next time I'm stuck for something to do I'll get in touch'.

Now like I said I don't begrudge her being busy or anything like that. I do feel let down though.

Its kind of like shes decided that now she has some other stuff on she has no time for me and I'm kind of plan B. If theres nothing else going on then she might be able to squeeze me in.

I find it very disappointing to be treated like this. We always got on very well and always had a good bit of craic. We live about 3 minutes walk away from each other too so its not like it would be incredibly difficult to make time to see one of her friends.

I don't know if I am right to feel let down though? Am i being over sensitive or too harsh or what? It just kind of feels like i was grand for her to have around to talk to for a while but now shes decided that shes 100% her old self I'm kind of getting kicked to the kerb.

What do people think?

LegacyUser

littlehelp? wrote: »

She sent me a reply saying 'I'm a bit more busy these days, next time I'm stuck for something to do I'll get in touch'.

That reply was very thoughtless and inconsiderate. Other than that, nothing seems to be out of the ordinary. She's seeing a new man, so she's a bit busier. I wouldn't read anything else into it at the moment.
If I were you, I'd keep in contact for another while. If she keeps fobbing you off, forget about her and meet up with the friends who do have time for you.

LegacyUser

just to clear it up. Shes not dating anyone per se. Shes just gone out on single dates with 3-4 lads. Shes not in a relationship or anything. but I do respect the fact that when she starts seeing someone her time will be limited.

Its more that the one reply by text that I mentioned seems endemic of her attitude towards me now.

LegacyUser

hey dude, sounds like ur best friend dupped you for her new man - been there too. Of course you're upset, I would be too - she went from being good mates, supporting each other through no job, to not wanting anything to do with you as her new man has filled all her time. Unfortunately women tend to act like this a lot - it's disgraceful, ends up isolating themselves over time, and shows a lack of true friendship from her side.

that said, my best friend is similar - when she hooks up with someone, she tends to drop off the radar, doesn't go on nights out, and even skips various tea dates etc...truth is, she has less time when she's got a boyfriend as she's one of those types that will spend all her free time wiht the new partner. once it calms down, after a few months, she might start getting in touch again - if you want her as a friend, just keep schtum till then and ride out this blip and accept its a part of her personality. ive met loads of ppl that decided this wasnt enough and wanted to 'punish' their friends when the break up happened/they got back in touch. frankly, i think both lose out - cos usually the person goes right on and continues this behaviour when the new boyfriend comes along.

or....she thinks the new boyfriend is/will be threatened by her having such a close male friend. in which case, her loss...maybe there's something to it - maybe she did fancy u, or maybe he's a jealous partner. sorry man, hope it works out

LegacyUser

Honestly, if someone sent me that message I would be very annoyed too. If she's "stuck for something to do" she'll contact you?!! How rude is that?!! To me, that could mean two things. Firstly, she is just using you as something to do when she's bored but if something better comes along she doesn't think twice about you. Or secondly, she could have started to develop feelings towards you and was getting aggravated that you weren't showing any indication of fancying her, so now she's distancing herself and trying to punish you.
But honestly, I'd say it's more than likely the first option. And in that case, I just wouldn't be bothered anymore if I was you. Don't text her until she texts you, and then be busy. Wait to see will she text you again after that. I know you really value her friendship and don't want to lose her, but she clearly doesn't respect yours or she wouldn't have sent you a text like that. It's just common courtesy.

LegacyUser

again, guest2, she doesn't have a boyfriend

LegacyUser

thanks guest111111. I was just wondering if I was being over sensitive. I mean its a poxy thing to say to someone. Even if it was't intentional it may have showed what she is subconscoisly feeling or thinking.

Also, I do agree its more likely to be that she hasn't got as much 'use' for me now. I like her and shes a nice person and all but there was never anything between us romantically. And I certainly don't envisage any scenario where she would develop an interst in me that way.

LegacyUser

If I were you, I wouldn't text her at all. If she doesn't show any respect for you, then don't show her any back. Don't be rude, but just don't text her. If she texts you, say you're busy. If she texts you again after that, you could reply but still just pass her, don't act as if you're delighted to hear from her! Friendship is a two-way thing, she can't treat you like that and still expect you to be at her beck and call.

Sin1981

Are you a good judge of character? Some men aren't good at it imo. Maybe you just didnt' see this bitchy side to her.

My opinion is let her go. Take her as she comes. It was a very cheeky thing to say to a 'friend'. besides, you have other friends. Life's too short to dwell on someone like this.

LegacyUser

Well I'd say I'm a decent judge of character. I tend to be able to avoid the bad ones generally. Also, while you may have a point, i think men generally tend to misjudge women or ignore stuff when they are attracted to them in a sexual manner and the sensible side of the brain takes a hiatus.

I don't want to write anyone off so easily. I am beginning to wonder was the person she was (during the last while) not actually her since maybe she was still coming to terms with a hard break up etc.. and now her confidence is back at full strength shes reverting to a type that she really is normally which is more self centered

botbot

maybe her text was harsh or maybe she was being funny? thats the kindof thing i'd write taking the piss when i'm busy.. why not just give her a buzz and be honest, in fairness there's nothing like a little honesty between friends instead of some of the game playing that other people are suggesting.

LegacyUser

took your advice anyway. I was relutcant to talk to her about it because i didn't want to come off as bothering her when shes getting her life straightend out.

anyway, he response to me gave me all the answers I needed. Not the outcome I was hoping for but there you go, thats life. Can't help but feel disappointed about it

LegacyUser

Hi Op,
Just a thought, I know you've said that this is not about a romantic relationship and you've told her this. But is there any chance that she might be a little interested in you and that was her way of keeping distance as you have no interest?
I could be completely wrong of course!

entropi

OP, she used you as a crutch to hold her life together somewhat until things levelled out when back home. You said she had nothing really, and you were there for her when se needed you...yet she done bad by now trying to erase you slowly from her life now that, in her eyes, something better has come along.

I say you are best rid of her tbh, very shallow of her to do that on you...and especially saying that you are basically her backup if she is stuck for something to do? tell her to get off her high horse and forget about her:)

TitoPuente

Master of Nothing wrote: »

OP, she used you as a crutch to hold her life together somewhat until things levelled out when back home. You said she had nothing really, and you were there for her when se needed you...yet she done bad by now trying to erase you slowly from her life now that, in her eyes, something better has come along.

I say you are best rid of her tbh, very shallow of her to do that on you...and especially saying that you are basically her backup if she is stuck for something to do? tell her to get off her high horse and forget about her:)

That's about the height of it. Don't be punishing to her or completely ignore her. Be the bigger person and just try and phase her out of your life slowly. You don't have to punish her or ignore her completely but certainly try and get her out of your life. She sounds like she's not worth even being friends with.