Friends v boyfriend

LegacyUser

I having problems with spending time with my friends - I work 9-5 live with my boyfriend and have college two week nights and weekends

Which means i have no spare time i have exams coming up im studying as well for on the spare nights i have friday & saturday nights free but seeing as im in college from 9 in the morning on sat n sunday i just tend to head cinema or cuddle up on sofa with the bf as i (and everyone else bar my friends) have no spare cash after bills n rent plus i get paid once a month so have to make it last

So my mates think im turning my back on them because I cant go out when they ask,
They dont feel like they can come over - for tea or a chat because they dont get on with my bf - there both sooo different so cant sort that out he doesnt like the way they treat me stuff thats happened in the past etc,

I honestly dont know what to do im so tired all the time so wen i get a break id rather take it then go out,

Im stuck and in need of some advice im at my witts end


Sorry if this isnt really a relationship problem - but its putting pressure on our relationship hes the one and my mates dont understand that

Peggypeg

Hey OP,

I work 5 days a week 9 - 5 and I go to college 4 nights a week and my weekends are taken up with projects and assignments. My friends know that my spare time is precious, I might only see them once a month if even. You know what though? They don't complain, they don't put pressure on me because they know I have enough on my plate. A real friend enhances your life, they don't make demands and put pressure on you when you're already working full tilt.

I think the best thing you can do is first of all figure out what spare time you have for them, 1 night a month/week or whatever. Then tell them all you are doing and how tired you are but that you have put this time aside for them. I'd say once they see you are trying they will be ok with you.

With regards to your boyfriend, quite frankly it's none of his business who your friends are, he doesn't get a say in that, if he doesn't want to be around them he can always go out when they come round. I don't like some of my boyfriend's friends but I would never tell him, (unless he specifically asked), because it's up to him who he's friends with.

best of luck.

LegacyUser

sorry but I don't buy it - I've been in your position, held down full time college, job, boyfriend and still managed to make time for my friends - that's what makes you a good friend instead of dumping them for your boyfriend.

U have two nights a week free - so spend one with your friends, the other with ur bf. After all - u live with him, see him every day, I can understand why ur friends feel neglected. If ur bf doesn't like ur friends etc, see if he can arrange a night out with the lads, and u bring the girls over, or just meet them elsewhere.

Ur broke - ok, pub might not work, but what about visiting their house/go for a walk on teh beach or something? If u ignore ur friends like this, they won't be around when you need them later on. Ok, he's the one - if he is, he'll understand that all ur time can't be spent with him, trust me, u need ur friends more....don't make the mistake so many women make when they hook up by ditching their friends for their man

LegacyUser

Guest 2 - I find your comment quite harsh I am not you
Im in work from 9-5 then in college from 6- 11 on the evenings i am in which is monday and wednesday then in from 9- half 5 on a saturday and sunday when am i ment to rest? Just because i live with him doesnt mean i see him? when i come in im just fit for bed,

Im hardly ditching my friends for him? they feel the reason I cant go out is because of him
And its not cheap to have them over either buying food and what not,

Iv set aside cash for a night out but when they dont take up offer i spend it on things i need. Nights they want to go out have to be dinner and night clubs miles away I just cant afford to splash out like that. And yes ive asked them to go somewhere closer but they 'dont like those clubs'

Yeah I have tried with them they go to the gym and go to dance classes etc together on my free nights they have never asked me would i like to join them? They both have cars so tend to go somewhere out of reach for me
I dont so its not so easy just to pop over to their houses i'd be getting home at all hours
I have suffered from Insomnia from trying to fit everyone in as well as do well in college and work its a competitive market out there and i have to keep my head

So no i dont feel like im ditching them I feel like their putting pressure on me to break up with this guy because they honeslty just dont like him
Everytime we go out they put me down (telling me clothes im wering make me look fat/preggers etc even tho id get attention from men) and him as well, ( saying we moved in too soon she's with her fella 4 yrs and she wont live with him, that he's ugly and mean etc reason why he doesnt like them) why should i break my back for friends like this ?

dearg lady

Seems there's much more to this story than you originally posted. Do you genuinely like these girls, and want to be friends with them? From what you've posted they don't seem to treat you very well, but it's hard to tell if you're only posting the negative stuff as 'justification'

While your extremely busy now, you won't always be, and it is very important to have friends, maybe not these girls if they're as bad as they sound, but do work on keeping any decent people in your life. Tbh, most good friends would be reasonably understanding about your being busy, but even at my busiest times, I never let more than two weeks, or preferably a week, go by without seeing my friends.

LegacyUser

the post was harsh yes bt only to get you to wake up and realise that time can be made when it has to be, and my post is probably what they see the situation as

what you've brought up in your last post is a list of complaints about how you're friends treat you and really, they're probably acting like that because they feel neglected....if however you think the behaviour is not as a result of that, or has been ongoing, then re-evaluate if they're your friends.

if you invite them over - you don't need to buy/cook anything, good friends wont care, if u provide even a cup of tea, or a glass of water, they're their for ur company - stop putting pressure on urself to be a host - they just want ur company.

as for them not inviting u along - ASK! For a long time I assumed I wasn't invited, when really, if u put urself out there and ask urself along they'll usually be delighted - some ppl dont think u need the invitation.

as for the clubs - well, why should they change their plans the minute u decide to finally make some time for them - this is how they see it, as they're hurt, however, u shld talk to them more and compromise - ask for a lift to/from the club. if they really dont want to change location, then maybe they're not as good friends as u thought, or try join in other events with them.

as for ur hours - tuesday, thurs and friday night u've no college in the evenings , and u work weekends - this is exhausting I understand...is there any way u can arrange a day free from work/college? can ur partner maybe take on more hours to give u a break? this isn't healthy to work every day all day...short term u can, but maybe try work a situation where u get one day off a week? if not, the evenings ur off can u spend downtime with them at least for an hour or two every second week?

If u can't change their club habits/ur working hours- then see if ur friends will come to ur house/close by - true friends, that really care about ur welfare, will try work around ur schedule, but only if they also see that ur making time for them too...no-one has enough time, but even an hour on those evenings off where u grabbed a coffee etc would be enough. ur friends probably feel shut out of ur life and that any free time is spent on ur boyfriend, which is easy to do and I understand the desire to spend quality time with him, but its important to balance the time u put into ur relationship and the time u put into ur friends.

He's the one u say - and if he is, he'll understand that not all ur free time can be spent with him and that friends are needed - they keep u grounded, help u relax and de-stress. the more u put into ur friendships, the more u'll benefit in the long run. be careful is all I'm saying that u dont isolate urself and think the relationship is the most imp thing in ur life because u never know when u'll need ur friends....if they are good friends, communicate ur stress with them more and come up with some plan - they should work with u, not against u when it comes to arranging dates, and will understand ur stress/lack of time...if not, then consider finding new friends

LegacyUser

I honestly would rather i didn't have them as friends but seeing as our familys are close and we've been friends from a very young age we have the same group of friends it be hard to break from them

I honestly feel like I was been taken for a fool in the past by them I have suffered from depression and needed them around I was forking out for drinks for them when there cash would 'run out' or buy them exteremly nice presents - which sounds like i was buying their friendship but honestly its always been this way
I have tried to cut contact with them but it leads to other friend ignoring me because on one of my 'friends' is just not the type of person you want to cross if you get me

Every BF i have had was not good enough for them they saw I was going to get hurt yet didnt understand I wanted to have those experiences they both have had one bf and have been with them for years and seem to be settling while me and my bf have just been together for 14 mths and so much in love, they dont understand that I have had my experiences and know he's a good one thats why i moved in with him,
I would put myself thru the pain if i felt id get a return from it bottom line is i have more fun with my bf then i would on a night out with them i feel like im constandly been looked down on had a large family so was a shy and quiet girl for years - till i met bf and im alot more confident in my self but i never had a problem finding a guy.

like for my 21st only one of them came out because the other one had a another 21 a girl from work like?!

iv tried to talk to them but i end up getting no where and give in and say sorry,
im just to busy and to old for this play ground rubbish

dearg lady

tbh, it's a tough one, this not a simple case of making time for friends. I mean, did you feel the same way about these girls before you met your boyfriend??

The one things I'll say is, be wary of thinking 'oh I'll have more fun with my boyfriend' .....we've all been there, especially when you still in the honeymoon period and insanely loved up, BUT, you do need outside friends and interests or the relationship will most likely crash and burn.

Best of luck, whatever you decide, if you do come to the conclusion that these particular girls are a waste of space, make sure you actively seek out new friendships, in work or college or wherever it may be.

LegacyUser

I'm sorry but its sounds like your boyfriend is right, these girls(and they sound like girls not women) sounds AWFUL.

If I had two nights a week off I wouldn't want to spend one of them being told I looked fat! If it was your boyfriend doing that everyone would be telling you to dump him. So... you need to dump them. Its a toxic relationship and I doubt they are ever going to treat you correctly.

Is there anyone in work/college you can hangout with? might give you a taste of how you should be treated by friends.

LegacyUser

Yeah I know what you mean Ha I'd hate to have my bf as my only friend that would suck


I am making time for them I hav set aside cash next month to go to a gig with them so hopefully the dust settles for a while

they have always been like this since we were small there both loud and confident while i was shy and quiet

I know what you mean about the hole 'oh I'll have more fun with my boyfriend' its not just him Id rather head out with my sister then witht them sometimes

I guess im just been lazy as i see their friendship as alot of work

Thanks for all ur advice been really helpful!

SueWho

I have been in your exact situation doing the work 9-5 plus study at night and Sat&Sun. It doesn't last forever so your "friends" should understand if you totally go to ground for a few months at a time when you are studying and doing exams.

The real issue here though is that now that your spare time has become so precious you are seeing that you don't want to "waste" it on these people who you don't seem to care for too much. I get the feeling you don't want to be branded "one of those girls" that ditches the friends for the boyfriend but to me it seems obvious that these girls aren't worth the hassle, whether you have a boyfriend or not and whether you have buckets of spare time or not. They've taken advantage of you money-wise and didn't even bother going to your 21st... these are not the signs of a good friendship.

LegacyUser

hellothere23 wrote: »

I'm sorry but its sounds like your boyfriend is right, these girls(and they sound like girls not women) sounds AWFUL.

If I had two nights a week off I wouldn't want to spend one of them being told I looked fat! If it was your boyfriend doing that everyone would be telling you to dump him. So... you need to dump them. Its a toxic relationship and I doubt they are ever going to treat you correctly.

Is there anyone in work/college you can hangout with? might give you a taste of how you should be treated by friends.

I have mates in work and college they are considerable older with kids so rather get that nights out or pints after work

Yeah reading back what i have said of them its prob true i just don't want to be around them

thanks a million
really starting to see bigger picture on this

LegacyUser

mates or bf? wrote: »

I have mates in work and college they are considerable older with kids so rather get that nights out or pints after work

Yeah reading back what i have said of them its prob true i just don't want to be around them

thanks a million
really starting to see bigger picture on this

If I were you, I would make the time to see them another few times with the new mindset that you have (ie they haven't been good friends to me mindset). Call them on it if they make disparaging remarks towards you. It might just stop them from being like that towards you.
If you don't meet up with them and talk to them, your friends will always assume you ditched them in favour of your boyfriend and you'll constantly be the butt of bitchy remarks. If you talk to them however, you'll always be able to hold your head high.

Sleepy

mates or bf? wrote: »

Yeah reading back what i have said of them its prob true i just don't want to be around them

Your posts certainly make them sound like a PITA alright. I'd just stop calling, if your other friend has a problem with it, drop her too, if you're questioned on it explain that you're not choosing your boyfriend over them, you just feel you've grown apart and you're moving on and making new friends.