Elderly Relative & Addictions

LegacyUser

I am just wondering has anyone else been in this situation or if anyone has some advice....

We have an elderly woman (in her 80s) in our family who we are all very close to (my grandmother). For the majority of her life she has had a terrible addiction to alcohol and pain killers. This problem has caused our entire family a lot of grief through out the years and has affected many many people, some to a greater extent than others (I would be somewhere in the middle of that scale). Like many alcoholics she is a lovely caring person whilst sober, but an absolute demon with drink on her. Despite being elderly she is still both mentally and physically able. When she is sober she sometimes admits she has a problem (usually after a bender, is remorseful and needs help), but with drink on her she could be found lying on the ground roaring abuse and denying that she has taken anything at all. The real problem is that her husband passed away within the last year and he was a very good man to both her and the entire family. She now lives alone but wants members of the family to take turns staying with her every now and again, while she continues to abuse herself. Many members of the family grew up hunting for her stashes and emptying bottles upon discovery, which isn't good either, but it was the norm. In more recent years everyone just began to give up doing that because she would just get more anyway. Since my grandfather passed away we have found her in very bad states and sometimes by accident, in that she wouldn't have even known we were going to check in on her. Recently she was extremely sick (self inflicted) and I visited her 2 days later while she was still sick. She begged me to get her a small drink to settle her stomach and I refused. She then cried, cried and vomited. I was heartbroken watching her and nearly gave in, but remained strong, and offered to get her anything else except drink or pills. My grandfather did give her a brandy when he was alive to help her, and she used that as an excuse to guilt me in to getting her drink because she knows that I still miss him a lot. She does too, don't get me wrong. She claims she drinks due to depression, which would be understandable considering she lost her husband not that long ago, but she has been doing this her entire life. Anyway she was prescribed anti-depressants and just made herself extremely ill because she decided to abuse them along with drink. We can't let her visit her GP on her own anymore, because she will blag her way in to getting prescribed meds. She has a medical background herself and uses it to her advantage any time she she is in places like that, and it works.

We have put her in a nursing home which is also a terrible thing to watch because even though she is in her 80s, she looks so out of place amongst the other residents due to her being so "with it" and physically able. In the nursing home she went around checking charts of other patients and doing what medics do in their job. She was always fascinated by medicine and has a wealth of knowledge despite her age. She guilts people in to doing things for her. "Oh I have a terrible headache, you wouldn't pop to the shop and get me some ....". She takes full advantage of unsuspecting people from the neighborhood who would drop in on her from time to time since my grandfather passed away. She would be a very convincing liar to many, except her direct family know her games all too well at this stage. It has gotten to the stage now where we probably wouldn't believe a word she says if she cried wolf because she has abused our trust thousands of times. One or two of her close friends from the neighborhood have drink problems also, so she takes advantage of that.

Today I went to visit her with pancakes, but when I arrived at the house I met my Mother leaving in tears because she had just had an argument with her over her problem. She apparently has been very bad for the past few days. My mother and her siblings don't know what to do. My mother is within an inch of having a nervous breakdown, I am not joking. We have had medical consultants tell us that there is very little that we can do or we can expect anyone else to do considering her unique circumstances. We were pretty much told that she was going to be like this until the day she closes her eyes and given her health, that was not going to any time soon.

It's a terrible situation, because I love my grandmother dearly, she is a lovely person when sober. She has been in rehab (so to speak) many times and she has fooled so many people. I myself have become a paranoid and distrusting person in general simply because I have watched her lie to my face and try to deceive me in very innovative ways through out the years. I had to get help for that, which thankfully I benefited from considerably.

I don't want to pry too much in to my parents finances, but I'm getting the impression that sending her off to a local nursing home doesn't seem to be an option right now. She lives within 2 miles from where I live and I would see her about 2-3 times a week, my mother would visit her every day, but seems to be finding it extremely hard to deal with on top of losing her father.

I am tired, worn out, and faced with a situation whereby everybody is just living day to day with no real plan for the future. I am really worried for my mother, because she's young and has way too much stress in her life. She has been getting panic attacks and her blood pressure is sky high and I would love to offer her some good advice and want to know has anyone else been through similar. I have suggested counseling to my mother, but she will hardly take the meds prescribed by her doctor, nevermind go to a counselor. It's not that she doesn't believe in the benefits of doing such things, she has just got so much crap on her plate, she doesn't know if she would be strong enough to start talking from scratch to a stranger. Also I'm quite sure cost is an issue also. She even lied to me about giving up cigarettes for years, but she still does it despite her own GP tell her she must stop.

My grandfather was a massive loss to us all, he was a rock and was driving his car to the get groceries 2 days before he died. I miss him terribly (he raised me because my father left when I was young) and I am worried that I am going to lose someone else in my family due to stress and people not looking after themselves.

I feel so sad and helpless sometimes

Sorry for the long post and thank you for reading.

Kevster

As I read your post, it became clear that you hve all thes ideas about what is happening without any confirmation. What I suggest you do is talk to your parents before your existing worries become stronger or lead to more worries. It might be that this situation isn't as bad as you are making out, but it might also be 'just' as bad as you are making out. I think that many people would say that your grandmother is entitled to enjoy herself considering her age. Whilst this is true, it should not be that her enjoyment is at the expense of others', such as those she seems to manipulate.

I am unsure of what you can actually do in this situation as I have little experience as such. I am only replying to share my thoughts on it, and to make sure that your post does not slip down the forum listing (i.e. by me replying, it's more likely that someone else will too).

Take care,
Kevin

LegacyUser

First of all thank you very much for taking the time to read my original post. I really appreciate it.

Kevster wrote: »

As I read your post, it became clear that you hve all thes ideas about what is happening without any confirmation. What I suggest you do is talk to your parents before your existing worries become stronger or lead to more worries. It might be that this situation isn't as bad as you are making out, but it might also be 'just' as bad as you are making out.

I suppose I didn't make myself clear in the last post despite it being long, I guess I could write a book about this and still leave details out. Anyway the truth is that I personally have been involved in the situation as much as anyone else. It's not a matter of me not understanding what is going on or what went on and making assumptions. The reality is that I actually lived with this woman for 17 years (as I said my grandfather raised me, I meant that literally). I am now many years older, but have had very regular contact with her ever since. Even while I was posting yesterday, she called me on my mobile while under the influence. Then my mother had to call me to vent about how it is affecting her last night. I am genuinely worried for my mother's health.

Kevster wrote: »

I think that many people would say that your grandmother is entitled to enjoy herself considering her age. Whilst this is true, it should not be that her enjoyment is at the expense of others', such as those she seems to manipulate.

She's an addict, and carries all the traits of one. If she just started to drink excessively since the passing of my grandfather last year, then I would be looking at the situation completely differently, but unfortunately that is not the case.

Kevster wrote: »

I am unsure of what you can actually do in this situation as I have little experience as such. I am only replying to share my thoughts on it, and to make sure that your post does not slip down the forum listing (i.e. by me replying, it's more likely that someone else will too).

Take care,
Kevin

Thank you very much for taking the time to reply.

Has anyone else got any advice?

Alessandra

I appreciate what a difficult situation it is for you and there isn't very much you can do if your grandmother is not willing to changer for herself. It's sad to say but I don't think after all this time that she will be able to quit this behaviour. Is she aware of the physical implications of alchohol and narcotic abuse at any age?

Would you consider going to some kind of support group for the family of alcoholics?
They would be best able to advise and support you.

meditraitor

She is in her 80s, let her get drunk and roudy! There is absolutely nothing anyone can do to chance her.....