Lack of sex in realtionship (not straightforward though!)

SnoopyD

Right I don’t even really know where to, or how to start this post to be honest. I can only presume it is going to be a lengthy one so I hope some of you will bare with me. I really, really, really could use some advice on this


I’ve been going out with my other half for almost 7 years now (I’m 30 and shes 35). We live together and have done for a while. I would say we have had a pretty normal relationship (if there is such a thing) for the most part. We’ve had our ups and a few downs but nothing out of the ordinary and nothing particularly horrible.

However, I do have a problem now in terms of our sexual relationship. This is the bit thats kind of hard to explain. Basically, the nuts and bolts of it is we never have sex anymore. And i mean never. I’m not here to complain I’m not getting enough or only once a week or twice a month. In fact I’m not here to complain at all. I just don’t know what to do.

For a start our sexual relationship was fine. Some people have higher sex drives than others but we seemed to match up well. We both generally wanted sex the same amount as each other. Things were fine in that department and our relationship progressed as we got to know each other more and more. Over time we really fell in love with each other and things were going great.

I was happy to be with such a fabulous person and someone i was glad to come home to. However, over time she began to lose her interest in sex as much. It got to be more of a chore for her I think. Eventually I slowly came to realise that she was never that interested in the sexual side of our relationship that much. That was less than ideal but as when you are in love you are in love. I always said sex was not the deciding factor in any relationship (although it is a factor) and I didn’t let it get to me too much.

However then it got to the next stage where she’d start refusing to have sex with me. That is to say I’d try and initiate something and she’d given me the ‘I’m not in the humour routine’. So I’d say fine. Then she’d roll over half in a huff a few minutes later and kind of give me the ‘come then get on with it’ routine. I won’t lie, to begin with I went ahead anyway just to have my sexual needs fulfilled but I soon stopped doing that because it was clear she was taking no pleasure from it at all at this stage.

Again, shes such a great girl and all the other facets of her personality and our relationship are so good I didn’t want to let this ruin it. So I decided to talk to her about it. I know this is everyones general diagnosis for these problems. So I did. She didn’t want to hear a bar of it. Her reaction was kind of like ‘look I’ll have sex with you if you want me to, its not like I don’t offer’. I explained how I felt in her obviously not enjoying it. It was all pretty much to no avail. Things improved for a while but it was back to the same thing soon after.

Then the strangest thing happend in terms of our sexual relationship. I lost my job and at the same time have various other family related stresses in my life. And (as embarrassing as it is to admit even as an anonymous poster on here) on one of the rare occasions we went to have sex and I was incapable of doing the act. Now this was very difficult for me piled on top of the loss of my job and the other stuff. It only made things worse. However, I did the sensible thing and went to my doctor (not straight away I must admit) and talked about it etc.. I came to understand how the stress had gotten to me and effect my health (not only sexually) and how to deal with it and move forward. However, the really strange thing is that my other half, who never wanted to have sex normally, constantly wanted to have sex when she knew I had this problem and basically wasn’t capable. I tried talking to her about it and she was supportive of me and wasn’t malicious. Still part of me couldn’t help wondering what was going on in her head that since she now that she knew I couldn’t have sex with her she was wanting it all the time. Believe me not being able to go through with the act is a very emasculating and demeaning thing for a man no matter how supportive his other half is.

Anyway, thankfully, I got over that in time (and not that long a period of time). I got my life back on track and things were back to normal with my job, my family and my sexual functions. Then, lo and behold, my other half completely lost her interest in sex again. To be honest at this stage I was really focused on making a success of my new job and staying positive after what had gone before so I let it slide. But again, in time, I had to talk to her about it. She said there was no problem etc.. etc... and if I wanted to have sex we could every day. I told her it was hardly romantic, passionate or enjoyable if she wasn’t into it but she said she couldn’t help it. But if we wanted to have sex we could and she’d fulfil whatever sexual needs I have.

So I left it alone. I never initiated anything because I could do without the confidence crusher of knowing the woman I am having sex with is going through the motions. I suppose it shows she loves me on one level but I just don’t know its enough. Anyway, it ended up we went a really long time without having sex. Then one night she decided to jump me. I know its going to look foolish when I write the next line but believe me I am glad I did what I did next.

Basically I was suspicious so I didn’t dive right into it. And without too much trouble she admitted that while she wasn’t overly keen on the sex she thought it was ‘something a couple should do’. Like fulfilling a quota or something. Rather than it being something enjoyable or special it felt like she was trying to tick off a box of ‘stuff that couples do’. I have to say I didn’t exactly feel inspired. I actually felt quite bad about it and I didn’t have sex with her.

I talked to her about it a couple of days later and she said she thought I was happy not to have sex since I had stopped initiating. I told her again that its not that I’m happy not to have sex its that I don’t want to have joyless sex. She made the same statements that she did before about doing stuff if I wanted. It’s like banging my head off a brick wall.

Anyway, once in a while she tries to jump me but I honestly can say I don’t want to have sex with her like that. Now she seems to get mortally offended that I don’t want to go through the motions of having sex once every three months with her so she can check it off her ‘stuff that couples do’ list.

For me I feel the intimacy is totally gone. I find it very hard to look at her as a sexual being. Something just isn’t the same. I’ve tried all the talking and its got me nowhere. The thing is, though, that every other aspect of our relationship is brilliant. She is the kind of woman i want to come home to and enjoy spending time with and want to be with. And I know enough to realise that women like her don’t come along very often if at all.

Theres just this one issue and I’ve done my best to let it slide. Then to mend it. Then to explain to her how I feel but it’s all been fruitless. I don’t want to lose a relationship over something like this. However, and I don’t want to sound like a slobbering caveman here, I do have certain sexual needs. I think we all do. Its been over a year since we had sex now

The fact that I’ve contemplated having sex with other women (and had the good sense to cop myself on both times) recently suggests to myself that something needs to be done. But at this stage I don’t know what to do. All the talking in the world has got me nowhere. Shes just not that into it. I don’t want to let that ruin everything but I don’t feel like I can go on with that lack of sexual satisfaction forever. I don’t know if there is any answer or another way but I am hoping that some of you have taken the time to read this and have an opinion to offer.

Heres hoping anyway

shellyboo

Hmm, she sounds quite manipulative OP. I 100% understand why you don't want to have sex with her under those conditions, but I don't see any solution for this one. You want her to want you in a way she's simply not capable of for whatever reason. I don't think that's going to change. Her compromise - fulfilling *your* needs (she doesn't seem to have any) - seems like the best deal you're going to get while remaining in the relationship.

However - you know you deserve more. I know sex isn't the be all and end all, but imo it's an essential part of the foundations of a strong relationship. Staying in this one means you forego that... is that really something you're prepared to do?

SnoopyD

I know what you mean. It really is a muddle for me. As the post suggests this has been something thats fermented over a long period of time.

Its really difficult for me. There are so many factors in this now. I do love her and everything else is great. Do I want to give that up? No. But as you say I only appear to have one option as far as the sex goes so do I want to put up with that forever. Another emphatic No. Unfortunately the two apppear mutually exclusive. It seems to be one or the other.

Theres also a whole host of other issues both emotional and practical (not something that would ideally come into it I know) if our relationship was to end. I've run through about a billion scenarios in my head and of course that was one of them.

Its a lot to throw away and there is the emotional trauma to go through of course. Then the fear of being single again for the first time in a long time. Would I find someone I loved as much? Would it be okay if I was with someone who I didn't have as good a relationship (compared to this) outside of sex, but the sex itself was better? I know these aren't the kind of things anyone can answer for a person but they are also on my mind.

Then again you only get one life and it would be a shame to waste it because I am too chicken to act.

On the practical side of things we own a place together and have a mortgage together. Not uncommon I know but it would be particularly difficult for me as I have no family support to fall back on in terms of having places to stay or a general support network. I come from quite a small family and unfortunately all but distant relatives have passed away.

These things shouldn't matter I know. And I sound like I'm rambling (which I am) but I guess it comes down to not knowing what to do. Or given the 'live with it OR end the relationship' scenario. I must admit I find the prospect scary either way

PopUp

SnoopyD wrote: »

On the practical side of things we own a place together and have a mortgage together. Not uncommon I know but it would be particularly difficult for me as I have no family support to fall back on in terms of having places to stay or a general support network. I come from quite a small family and unfortunately all but distant relatives have passed away.

The whole time I was reading your first post I was thinking 'I bet they own a place and money or whatever means they can't just split "easily"'.

OP I'm going to be frank here. It sounds like your relationship is over and has been for a while. Sex is an integral part of a relationship and you have been completely out of whack for years now. I can't imagine what it must be like to go through the motions joylessly for years on end but it's making both of you miserable.

Either you both go to counselling or you take steps to separate. You are young enough still.

But it's not just the lack of sex, it's the obvious suspicions and mistrust as well. Even if it wasn't justified on your part (and for the record I agree with shellyboo, I think it is and I think she's been pretty manipulative) - regardless, I think once you get to this stage the relationship is doomed. You can't build up trust again.

You deserve someone who supports you when you are ill. You deserve someone who wants to have sex with you. These aren't side points, they are integral to happy relationships.

Best of luck.

LegacyUser

OP that could be me your are talking about. When I stared going out with my boyfriend we had a great sex life. Over time I have just "lost intrest". I can't say why it has just happened.I still love him and want to make him happy but the pestering I get from him when he want to get it on just turns me off. I know that I should talk to a professional as it is not 'normal relationship behaviour"and maybe you could suggest the same thing to your partner? Surely she also knows that a fixable issue like this could ruin the relationship that you both have if it is not addressed. This has been a issue for us for the past 2 years and is really starting to put a huge strain on out relationship; we are bickering all the time.

SnoopyD

While I respect your opinion I should that neither of us are miserable. To me being miserable constitutes being unhappy most of or all of the time. That is not the case. It may appear different to you but you'll have to take my word for it.

Everything else is 100% fine. Its this issue thats the problem and its only for me apparently.

Also, I should point out we only bought this place in the last 12 months so its not as though I've been looking for a way out and feel i can't purely because of financial commitment. A solution is what I'd like and if one isn't forthcoming then I'll have to take stock.

But believe me this isn't a case of me wanting to break up with her and being afraid to because it will be messy financially.

Not having a mortgage together would make any break up about 0.05% easier and thats about all

ezypzy

I don't want to worry you - this is just something to consider...is it possible she could be cheating on you and getting sex elsewhere?? If this is not the case then perhaps something wrong with her sex drive and maybe she should talk to a doctor/counsellor? I'm a female and as much as we like to deny it we often have even higher sex drives than men so this sounds unusual...often problems start after having a child I cant comment on this as I have never gone through pregnancy but you dont mention any pregnancy. This sounds like a problem that many couples who are married for years have but you are still so young maybe you should suggest going away for a relaxing weekend together and dont try anything sexual and see if new surroundings a romantic meal etc can liven her up again and she might genuinly initiate it herself...best of luck!

appleb

I think relationship counselling would really help. It might get to the root of the problem and allow you to move on (hopefully together)

lynsalot

Hey Op,

I was wondering throughout your whole post if you had children. Sometimes this can put a strain on the sexual side of any relationship. You haven't mentioned kids but sometimes the daily grind can just put someone off.

Ok so if there's no kids involved, could it be that your partner is stuck in the rut of the usual routine. Perhaps it seems like a chore to her because she's busy looking after the house or has a stressful job. Are you intimate in any other ways? Do you kiss and cuddle? I know you've probably tried every trick in the book and I'm sorry if i'm going over some of your efforts. But have you tried cuddling first on the couch and just being coupley? Have you done this without initiating sex? Does your partner think perhaps you're "just" being affectionate to initiate sex?

Is there a possibility that there's a medical reason for her lack of interest? The sex drive can be affected for many different reasons. Has she seen her doctor? Has she started new birth control medications? Sometimes these affect sex drive. Is she on any medication which would inhibit her desires?

I guess the real issue here is she seems unwilling to recognise and fix the problem. It must be very difficult for you to broach the subject with her and hoping she understands. Does she realise just how serious this is to you? Have you explained that it's affecting your feelings towards her? Would telling her that make it worse? Have you suggested you both try seeing a counsellor? A relationship counsellor can facilitate both points of view without it escalating into a row and means both sides get to talk.

I really wish I could tell you... the reason is X but the only person who can tell you that is your partner i'm afraid.

Another poster suggested a romantic weekend away. That should certainly help.

Have you tried being quite frank with her. Ie. telling her you desire to be with her and you feel dejected she doesn't want you in the same way. That you don't know what to do about it. I imagine you probably have... if it's been going on so long.

I'm sorry I couldn't be of anymore help. I hope you sort it out.

stvincent

Could you consider opening the relationship up? That is, suggest to her that the sexual side of your relationship is not working well, causing you to suppress your sexuality and that you think you should meet/swap with other people? You never know she might want the same herself, but at worst at least she'll know it's a serious issue for you.

Alternatively, you could let it fester for the next 20 years, end up bitter, twisted and frustrated. Can you imagine what it will be like looking back at this post when you are 50?

dudara

stvincent wrote: »

Could you consider opening the relationship up? That is, suggest to her that the sexual side of your relationship is not working well, causing you to suppress your sexuality and that you think you should meet/swap with other people? You never know she might want the same herself, but at worst at least she'll know it's a serious issue for you.

Ah, how can I put this... NO! This woman already knows how serious an issue this is, she's demonstrating it by attempting to have sex with him on occasion. Instead of dealing with it, she's choosing to brush it aside.

OP, what are you going to do in the future though? What about kids?

Sadly, it might have to come to leaving her. Living in a sexless relationship is a soul-destroying experience that will cause things to fester deep below the surface.

extrinzic

I guess it comes down to what turns people on. Randy people have strong sexual motivations, like fantasies, that drive the libido. Over the course of a relationship, the initial motivation that drove a sexual relationship can wan for a number of reasons. Perhaps you both tend not to communicate about what motivates both of you. If we are talking about sexual desire, suppose your lady likes to be in control, to domineer you. Maybe she enjoys pushing you around, and is motivated sexually by the idea of torturing you and so on. Perhaps she has found you are to easily satisfied, that she can’t retain that motivating sexual manipulation she had over you, and enjoyed, at the beginning of your relationship. Maybe she has lost interest in pursuing sex with you because it is all too predictable, and too easy. I know there is a lot of maybe in this post, but if you look at it, she is older than you, which suggests she likes being in control. She lost interest in sex with you until such a time came about when you could not perform, suggesting that she enjoyed tormenting you over it etc. Now, I’m not suggesting that she is a bad person, or even that I’m right beyond question. Sexual fantasy is generally perverted to some extent, and she was genuinely sexually interested in you when you couldn’t perform which must be frustrating, and a little crazy, but something all the same. I think you need to show her that you are open to her sexual motivations; that you want to enjoy a rigorous sexual relationship with her. One of you is going to have to take the first step, and so perhaps you should be boldly open with her about your sexual desires, the dirty truth. By doing this you will encourage her to do likewise, and signal to her that you expect more from her at the same time. It’s a tricky one (but very common nevertheless), and beyond my expertise, so I suggest you both talk with a relationship/sex councillor. Just to say, short of a decapitation, it’s nothing that can’t be fixed

LegacyUser

My first thought is, is she on the the pill? I'm not on the pill and for about ten days out of the month I'm really horny. Any other time of the month I've no interest whatsoever. Its like one day, I'm sneaking off to look at porn - the next I could walk into an orgy and feel nothing. The pill suppresses all your natural hormones and responses so maybe thats a contributory factor? It can 'desex' you.

My longterm partner and I have had similar issues with sex, but we've both attempted to work through them. We've lost that 'lust' but we both still make the effort because I don't believe sexless relationships work for the under 50s. We nearly turned into brother and sister for awhile. Now we do it regularly, though I can't say we always really 'connect'; it can feel a bit like a mutual masturbation session. Still, can't complain.

You and her really should try therapy, because this can't be ignored any longer. A friend also recommended a book called Mating in Captivity, for couples who've lost the spark. Haven't read it but its worth a try.

There's also a trendy new notion that many people dont get turned on til after they start having sex/foreplay, so the idea is that you're supposed to do it even if you don't feel like it and you might enjoy it then, or you'll be more likely to enjoy it if you let it become a habit. This has worked for us, though as I said, we don't really have fireworks, but we still feel better and closer for having regular (average) sex.

You are within your rights to leave for the reason but try everything first.

SnoopyD

Thanks for all the replies. I appreciate people taking the time out to offer their opinions or advice. And I must say a lot of opinions vary wildly!

To answer a few questions from the start.

Had I considered that she was getting sex elsewhere. Yes very definitely so. But I am satisfied that she is not/was not and thats not the reason for her lack of interest in sex. I won't get into the whole process of elminiation (plus asking her flat out!) but I am happy to eliminate that.

As for the romantic weekend away thing. Yes, I've tried that. I've tried all the old cliched tricks in the book! The intimacy of cuddling and kissing etc.. etc... Believe me I've done it all, at one stage or another, in terms of trying to rekindle the romance or spark or whatever you want to call it.

Next thing. No we don't have children so childbirth/looking after kids isn't a factor. Also, she doesn't have the issues of 'looking after the house'. I don't buy into all that women looking after the home nonsense. We are 2 working professionals so we split housework equally. We both look after the place to the same degree. Her job isnn't particularly stressful either. I won't be patronising and say she has it easy because she has done well for herself but shes not exactly worked to the bone shall we say.

The birth control thing we looked into. she was on the pill years back when we were actually having sex on at least a semi-regular basis. However, shes not on it anymore (because there is no point) so thats not suppressing her sexual appetite.

As for having an open relationship. That clearly isn't the key to this. If I had wanted to have sex with other women I could have. I wouldn't have had to ask her and she wouldn't have found out. Its not the right thing to do though (although I may add I really can see why people could be driven to having affairs in certain cirucmstances) and its not a path I want to pursue. That kind of lifestyle has no appeal to me. Each to their own but I do not find the idea to my liking at all.

I was asked what about the future and what about kids?? I don't know about the future. I'm doing my best to work out how I should tackle this. As for kids, I don't want any.

Respectfully, the idea of her looking to be some kind of domanatrix and that sex being too plain for her liking is at the root of this is way wide of the mark. Without getting to graphic about my/our sexual proclivities she knows full well that I would be open to things such as those you describe. Also, I have to say the remark that 'shes older than you, which suggests she likes being in control' has absolutely no foundation whatsoever? Women don't just hit a certain age and go into domanatrix mode.
Anyway, she quite clearly knows I am open to her sexual motivations. The problem is she doesn't seem to have any.

The last post sounds the closest to my own situation and you seem to have worked through it to some degree. However, I really don't know if that would be enough for me.

Councelling or therapy would seem the way to go. I will certainly bring the subject up. I would have little doubt that she would agree to go. The problem (from where I am standing) is that just like the previous poster has 'worked through it' with her partner my other half is willing to do something similar. Its not as though she is withholding sex. Its just the manner of the sex that is the problem. The unregistered user suggests that the sex she has can feel like a mutual masturbation session. The type of sex that is open to me to have, I would guess is like having sex with a prostitute. Merely a function to be done with in a set timeframe and devoid of real passion.


My major fear is that she just genuinely has no real interest in sex anymore. Maybe she has lost interest in it ahead of her years.

I love her dearly. But I do have to ask myself what do i do if this is the case. It is a very depressing notion. I never would have thought I would contemplate ending a relationship with such a woman on the premise that 'the sex wasn't up to much'

Mighty_Mouse

Q
a) she's not a sexual person
b) she is not sexually attracted to you

Ans
a) is she ever turned on by anyone, anytime, any circumstances?
Johnny Depp in a bowl of chocolate? whatever. Just get the truth.


b)
1. you've either let yourself go dramatically since ye 1st got hooked up. If so ya might want to consider laying off the Double-Deckers, hitting the gym & fixing the fashion slightly.

2 She stopped viewing you sexually?
Yer both working professionals, both equals intellectually? Equals financially, equals in decision making etc etc........

Man & Woman aint equal sexually.
A woman just wants to get boned by her dude.
A dude just wants to come home & bone his missus.

That's the root animal instinct.
Its where all sexual relationships build from.

Less thinking & talking, more doing son.

IMO she now looks at you as "that sound dude" she lives with and not a sexual object. Ye've drifted into a mate's, sister-brother, type no-mans land.

I reckon the sexual chemistry between ye is dead.

Make a commitment that yer gonna do the funky chicken every day for a month.
With that much practice you should be able to curl her toes a couple of times.

After that problemo fixed.

If that doesnt kick start some natural sexual attraction between ye then its time to move on.

SnoopyD

I'm sure you think thats terribly witty and fortright and some kind of sage wisdom. However, your very simplistic and childish attempt at summing up the complexities of a relationship with some kind of Loaded/FHM summary just makes you sound like a f**king arsehole.

There are a couple of points that i would address to a normal poster but you are impossible to take seriously.

miec

I do have certain sexual needs. I think we all do. Its been over a year since we had sex now

When I read your post I just wanted to say that we all have intimacy needs, that is what is missing. I can fully understand why you have no desire to have sex when it is offered in such a clinical, non intimate fashion, it is enough to put anyone off.

I'm sure you think thats terribly witty and fortright and some kind of sage wisdom. However, your very simplistic and childish attempt at summing up the complexities of a relationship with some kind of Loaded/FHM summary just makes you sound like a f**king arsehole.

Well said, but in answer to your problem, I think your girlfriend is not facing up to her issues, it is possible she looks at you like a sibling and I have heard that this can happen in relationships but... there are many couples in long term relationships who continue to make love throughout their lives so that is not the case for everyone. You have tried to talk to her and get her to open up but nothing seems to have worked. It was odd that she was all over you when you were stressed (fair play to you for getting help with it). It was like she knew she was safe and I use that word deliberately because I believe that is why she was keen, she knew she was safe from sex.

The thing is I believe your partner has issues of shame around sex, during the early stage or the lust stage that carried her through but once your love deepened she didn't have the lust to carry her. I am sure she loves you as a person but her refusal to deal with this issue properly is unfair and to be honest, an unloving act. You deserve her full love and intimacy both in and out of the bed, as she does. The thing is I don't see how you can remedy this if she is refusing to deal with it. I believe that only couple counselling could help you both at this stage and if she is unwilling to do that, you will have to consider whether you can live with this for the rest of your life because that is what it comes down to.

Mighty_Mouse

at summing up the complexities of a relationship with some kind of Loaded/FHM summary just makes you sound like a f**king arsehole

Whatever...

You've got a 7 year intimacy problem in what appears to be otherwise a healthy relationship.

Either yer GF has issues with sex or
Ye have stopped seeing each other as sexual objects

I accept the 1st issue could be complex
the 2nd one aint

Sit down & ask some hard questions. Get some uncomfortable truths & go from there.

SnoopyD

Look, I'm not getting into it with you. You raised some valid points. Such as had I let myself go. Thats not the case as I am in very good shape and always have been. However the manner in which you approach the topic and the type of hyper basic way you refer to these things means its not possible to take you seriously.

When you throw around phrases like
'consider laying off the Double-Deckers, hitting the gym & fixing the fashion slightly'
'Man & Woman aint equal sexually.
A woman just wants to get boned by her dude.
A dude just wants to come home & bone his missus'
'Make a commitment that yer gonna do the funky chicken every day for a month.
With that much practice you should be able to curl her toes a couple of times
After that problemo fixed. '

If you'd read the post you'd be aware that I have been asking hard questions and trying to deal with uncomfortable truths for some time. Your posts lack and depth, insight or real advice.


I find you impossible to take seriously. You sound like a caveman. Maybe the people you choose to surround yourself with communicate like this and operate on that base level. Thats your own business.

It doesn't mean that everyone thinks that way. If you're not capable of communicating about the issue on a normal adult level and with a normal level of decency then I'd rather you kept your counsel to yourself thanks very much

LegacyUser

SnoopyD wrote: »

Look, I'm not getting into it with you. You raised some valid points. Such as had I let myself go. Thats not the case as I am in very good shape and always have been. However the manner in which you approach the topic and the type of hyper basic way you refer to these things means its not possible to take you seriously.

When you throw around phrases like
'consider laying off the Double-Deckers, hitting the gym & fixing the fashion slightly'
'Man & Woman aint equal sexually.
A woman just wants to get boned by her dude.
A dude just wants to come home & bone his missus'
'Make a commitment that yer gonna do the funky chicken every day for a month.
With that much practice you should be able to curl her toes a couple of times
After that problemo fixed. '

If you'd read the post you'd be aware that I have been asking hard questions and trying to deal with uncomfortable truths for some time. Your posts lack and depth, insight or real advice.


I find you impossible to take seriously. You sound like a caveman. Maybe the people you choose to surround yourself with communicate like this and operate on that base level. Thats your own business.

It doesn't mean that everyone thinks that way. If you're not capable of communicating about the issue on a normal adult level and with a normal level of decency then I'd rather you kept your counsel to yourself thanks very much

I'm the poster from 10:39 today, who had the same problem as you and is working through it, and while the above poster is coming off flippant in tone, I don't think he's mocking you - what he's saying makes some sense. Having sex everyday for a month is a variant on what we've tried and it might not be the worst idea, because it beats doing nothing; it forces you both to deal with the issue; its a commitment you make together; and you might even have some fun - hell, it might even work. Thats the 'doing it anyway' approach that has pulled us out of sibling-hood. When I said it can feel like a 'mutual masturbation', thats not really such a negative - we both get off.

You need to keep an open mind to anything that can work here.

Peggypeg

Hey OP,

There are ways to higher your sex drive and there are things that lower it, anti-depressants for example, can kill your sex drive. If she's agreeable, I would have look online for natural libido stimulators, apparently "horny goats weed" is fantastic (I'm not making that up by the way) and should be easy to get in most health food shops. Something dead simple could be the answer to this. I really feel for you because an unhealthy sexual relationship can chip away at your well being. To be honest I think you've been a saint and she's a very lucky girl to have you.

Best of luck.

extrinzic

SnoopyD wrote: »

Respectfully, the idea of her looking to be some kind of domanatrix and that sex being too plain for her liking is at the root of this is way wide of the mark. Without getting to graphic about my/our sexual proclivities she knows full well that I would be open to things such as those you describe. Also, I have to say the remark that 'shes older than you, which suggests she likes being in control' has absolutely no foundation whatsoever? Women don't just hit a certain age and go into domanatrix mode.
Anyway, she quite clearly knows I am open to her sexual motivations. The problem is she doesn't seem to have any.

Perhaps she has always thought in such a way, but I don't know. With regard to the control thing, It would suggest to me that she was looking for somebody younger, and I would ask why. Perhaps there is no reason other than it just happened that way. I recently found an interesting article about a book that attempts to survey why women have sex. It may have coloured my assessment. Here it is, about a quarter way down the page: http://www.skeptic.com/eskeptic/10-02-03

Best of luck with your lady.

SnoopyD

First off, while I did acknowledge the poster did make some valid points, I certainly have no time for such a flippant attitude towards this. If I wanted someone to belittle the situation or take the piss I'm sure I could find plenty of people up for the job.

Also, I should point out that my other half climaxed 95% of the time when we were still having sex with some actual passion so its not a technique thing or something like that. She just doesn't actually like the idea enough to really want to do it.

I could try the having sex every day for xxx amount of time thing. I may even suggest it. I'm pretty sure I know what the outcome will be though. As I said I have tried everything you can think of to rekindle the romance and passion but to no avail.

The sexual stimulant seems like a good idea. It may in fact work. I guess an artificial stimulant is better than nothing. I would, of course, prefer if she just wanted to do it because she wanted to. But thanks for the heads up Peggy. Honestly, though, some days I just wish I was the type who could go out and have an affair which is a sad indictment of myself too

Extrinzc, I think your point is a bit broad. It may apply to some cases but to suggest any woman who goes out with a man younger than her wants to dominate or control is a bit of a stretch. Maybe you do have a point. I'm not a psychologist, maybe on some level she does want to. All I can tell you is that she could have picked someone more suitable if thats the case because I've been looking after myself (and I mean that literally) since I was 16 years old so I'm not the type to be easily led or dominated.

Thanks for the link it made interesting reading!

Barracudaincork

SnoopyD wrote: »

The sexual stimulant seems like a good idea. It may in fact work. I guess an artificial stimulant is better than nothing. I would, of course, prefer if she just wanted to do it because she wanted to.

Yes the ideal would be if she just wanted to, but it may do the trick and get her back to thinking that sex is a good thing and something she did enjoy. She may just need her eyes reopened to how great things were etc

bindutantra

This is a common problem in relationship. For the most part all the guy want to do is have sex and what is on the guys mind is ejaculation.

I work with people with such issues through methods not involving intercourse but by using massage to arouse each other and to stimulate sex energy in each other. I have run couples workshops where both partners would come in have a chat about what is happening and put a plan/solution together that suits both.

What I have found is that by introducing the massage element it builds back up trust, sexual drive and the sexual bond that once existed with your partner. Through tips and techniques you can learn how to move sex energy in your partner giving you both better pleasure without intercourse and believe me you can both come to climax in more ways than one without intercourse.

The mentality of the guy as I said is all about the final outcome where as most of the time the woman wants a more sensual approach. Its never an easy one to decide to deal with but believe me when I say there can be hugh changes around how you see each other and your sexual relationship only improves too.

Hope this helps

SnoopyD

It didn't help even slightly but thanks for taking the time to suggest it.

bindutantra

If the female thinks that by giving her a massage you are looking for sex then this will be seen as that. Fill a bath light some candles and some incence, allow her to get into the bath and while she is doing that put the dovet from the bed on the floor with towels on it, light some candles and some nice music. After she has had the bath tell her you want to give her a sensual massage but that you dont want sex. The fact that you are on the floor rather than on the bed is because people associate bed with sex so therefore you are removing this. You can both be naked while doing the massage but dont look for sex........ but sex may happen. This can breakdown the barriers and watch the changes that can occur. Make her feel special.

Tom

SnoopyD

Look thanks for trying but you're clearly not getting the picture here. Thanks anyway though

Wagon

Get yourselves to councelling mate. It seems like you've done absolutely everything else at this stage so i see this as your only port of call. If she doesn't agree, well you know where you stand.

punchdrunk

what's her position on having kids? did I read correctly that you don't want any?

is there any hint that this is an underlying issue?

kryogen

unfortunately it seem that she has stopped seeing you as a sexual being

this is normally curtains for a relationship tbh

have you tried spicing things up? as in trying different things in the bedroom and seeing if she responds better to new experiences? maybe ye just need a kick start? i think thats unlilkely im sorry to say

from what i have read in the OP and thats all i have read, it appears to me that you are more "best friends" now then lovers, this can happen in relationships sometimes and it is a sad thing

Sex to me is an absolutely vital component in a relationship, i dont think its healthy to not have sexual feelings and desires towards your partner

As i said, it seems to me ye have slipped into a close friendship rather then a man and woman relationship

you can keep trying to change this if you like, but if you really havent had sex for a year and she has seemingly lost interest in it for longer then that the the rot has well and truly set in im afraid

its sad, heartbreaking in fact, but you are still young and you can and will find another woman who fulfills all your needs, not just sexual, but emotional etc. and all the stuff your current partner gives you besides the sex

if possible i would urge you to consider breaking this relationship

you seem like an open guy who has no problems communicating his feelings to his OH so you will find someone new, trust me on this

SnoopyD

Thanks for all the advice. I spoke to her at the weekend and she said she'd be happy for me to have sex with other women as long as it stays at just that. Casual sex and nothing more. I really don't know where I am at the minute

shellyboo

SnoopyD wrote: »

Thanks for all the advice. I spoke to her at the weekend and she said she'd be happy for me to have sex with other women as long as it stays at just that. Casual sex and nothing more. I really don't know where I am at the minute

I dunno about you OP, but I'd be out the door at that. Personally, I need to have my partner want me sexually. Good luck with whatever you decide.

ManOfMystery

I'd be inclined to agree with Shellyboo. Some men may think it's fantastic being told by their partner they have a free rein to go out and ride all round them, but in reality that is a HUGE compromise to make - it says a lot that she would rather let you do that than tackle this problem head on.

IMO you could go out and have great sex with plenty of other women, but it will not fix the fundamental problem here that leaves you feeling rejected by her.

Barracudaincork

SnoopyD wrote: »

Thanks for all the advice. I spoke to her at the weekend and she said she'd be happy for me to have sex with other women as long as it stays at just that. Casual sex and nothing more. I really don't know where I am at the minute

She is happy to do it as it hasnt happened yet. Come home with lipstick on your collar and it will be a whole different ball game. Regardless of how low her sex drive etc may be, there are very few people who could handle someone they love getting naked with someone else.

Peggypeg

SnoopyD wrote: »

Thanks for all the advice. I spoke to her at the weekend and she said she'd be happy for me to have sex with other women as long as it stays at just that. Casual sex and nothing more. I really don't know where I am at the minute

:eek::mad: Wow, that is so hurtful. Honestly OP, walk away from her, a woman who loves you would NEVER NEVER NEVER tell you to go off with other women. You need to end that relationship before you end up even more hurt. I think you're flogging a dead horse, and your OH sounds very cold tbh. You deserve to be in a loving relationship and it sounds like anything but that at the minute. Walk away and find someone who loves you the way you deserve.

Best of luck.

OS119

OP, i don't agree with PennyPeg that the answer you got means she's cold towards you - probably the opposite infact - but i do think that it means that on an emotional/relationship level you're on different planets.

you both want very different things, and obviously have very different ideas about what you as individuals need in a relationship. there needn't be any acrimony, but i think you are pretty incompatable as partners.

you may as well get it over with, if we assume she's said what she's said because she loves you and is prepared to make enormous sacrifices to stay with you, then prolonging this isn't in anybodys interests.

KittyeeTrix

There are 2 ways of looking at your girlfriends response

1. She has allowed you to go with other women because she really does love you and knows that her reluctance for sex is gonna drive you away eventually and she is trying to prevent this

2. Or else she doesn't give a damn about you, I doubt that it is this one though as she has offered sex to you albeit not as a passionate event but rather as a thing she feels she has to do to keep the relationship viable. You should explore that option as she wouild probably find herself getting back into it in spite of herself

Either way OP, you are in a fix. This can happen a lot to couples who are in very long term relationships and especially when children have been born but usually resolves itself. There can be times of feasts or famine if ya catch my drift!!

Tell her you love her and feel rejected by her. It's the age old thing with the difference between men and women
Women need to feel loved to have sex and men need to have sex to feel loved. She probably does still love ya but is stuck in this place where a lot of women find themselves......just not that interested in sex and not sure how to go about creating the feeling where they were interested

I hope ye find a solution OP
Good luck

Taltos

OP

I have read your thread with varying degrees of horror, disbelief and pure outrage. So incensed was I by how your OH behaves that I even read it out to my wife - including your partner's suggestion for you to go off and have sex with someone else.

Her response: "You WHAT"... and suggested that the problem is not one that you can fix. Clearly your partner has some major disconnect in her head (when compared to you or my wife or me). Only she can fix this.

I want to add to that - Only she can fix this - but right now it is coming across that she is just not bothered.

You have a choice so.
Stay here - in a sexless relationship or cheat - both options lower yourself in your own eyes. Hope you can live with what you see in the mirror I could not.
Or
Leave. You deserve to find someone who will be honest with you from the beginning, as if we are to believe you she has not been. This might prompt her to go get the help she needs.

But right now - your response to some of the earlier suggestions - whether crass in nature or not is speaking volumes to the anger and frustration you are feeling. I'd suggest you deal with that before you literally do explode. For your own sake get out - you cannot fix her, no-one but her can...

botbot

i don't know if i really have much advice.. only what i went through myself.
i was with my first serious boyfriend for over six years and over that time i lost interest in sex completely. i loved him and wanted to be with him, and like your relationship everything else was perfect, but i knew that it wasn't fair and it wasnt the way a relationship should be, so i broke up with him. it broke my heart, he was my best friend, but without a sexual relationship that was all he was.
initially i compromised on a break to see how we would feel about eachother after a certain amount of time, that perhaps not being able to have him would bring back my desire, it didn't. it was very very hard for both of us to not be together, but we got over it and he is still [five years later] my best friend. i guess i really really loved him, but not in the right way.

on the same note with my next boyfriend, i couldn't get enough sex, i don't know was it a case of making up for lost time or the more i got the more i wanted. so i actually think the advice from the guy who is being reffered to as flippant, is actually really worth a try. sex can be a habit, therefore if your used to being celibate it can be a chore, and if your used to doing it all the time you want it more. [maybe thats a little optimistic, but i wish i'd tried it]

also you reffered to healthfood stimulants as fake, they're natural and if you let yourself have a stigma about that you won't enjoy that either, i think they are definitely worth a try.

i hope whatever happens, you end up in a happier place