Warning signs before physical violence?

LordDorington

Can I ask advice?

LordDorington

Do people generally show warning signs before the situation escalates into physical violence? The reason I ask is because my partner shows all the "typical" signs of one who may end up being violent

- jealous of my family and friends, making a big deal when I spend time with them

- addictive personality, alcohol abuse

- personality disorder - everything is always someone else's fault

- temper

- throws stuff

- kicks the wall

- punches inanimate objects

- controlling

- immature

- emotional manipulation and blackmail

...and in writing this I may have answered my own question ha

6th

LordDorington wrote: »

Do people generally show warning signs before the situation escalates into physical violence? The reason I ask is because my partner shows all the "typical" signs of one who may end up being violent

Well feel free to start a new thread but lets try keep this one to the Op for the moment. Cheers.

Victor

That is a violent person if he is kicking and punching things. Those do sound like real problems but do not necessarily equate to being being violent to you. For some people, being violent to things is completely different to reacting violently to people. At the same time, shouting and screaming can be extremely trying for some people.

Some work at dealing with the issues would be useful.

Peggypeg

He sounds horrible, why are you with him? How long are you with him?

LordDorington

6th wrote: »

Well feel free to start a new thread but lets try keep this one to the Op for the moment. Cheers.

Sorry but this thread IS called "Warning Signs Before Physical Violence" isnt it???? Thank you

LordDorington

Victor wrote: »

That is a violent person if he is kicking and punching things. Those do sound like real problems but do not necessarily equate to being being violent to you. For some people, being violent to things is completely different to reacting violently to people. At the same time, shouting and screaming can be extremely trying for some people.

Some work at dealing with the issues would be useful.

Thanks for that, yes I definitely felt the worst of it yesterday and I hate myself for that. For allowing someone else to dictate how I feel!

Barracudaincork

If you hate yourself so much, why do you tolerate being with this person?

I think your post is either to vague to help you or you just needed to write the stuff down and that has helped you. If writing hasnt helped, then tell us more about the relationship eg your ages, how long together, living circumstances etc what triggers these episodes from them etc and how do you react?

LordDorington

Barracudaincork wrote: »

If you hate yourself so much, why do you tolerate being with this person?

I think your post is either to vague to help you or you just needed to write the stuff down and that has helped you. If writing hasnt helped, then tell us more about the relationship eg your ages, how long together, living circumstances etc what triggers these episodes from him etc and how do you react?

Please dont second guess my reasons for posting. Thank you

hollis12

LordDorington wrote: »

Do people generally show warning signs before the situation escalates into physical violence? The reason I ask is because my partner shows all the "typical" signs of one who may end up being violent

- jealous of my family and friends, making a big deal when I spend time with them

- addictive personality, alcohol abuse

- personality disorder - everything is always someone else's fault

- temper

- throws stuff

- kicks the wall

- punches inanimate objects

- controlling

- immature

- emotional manipulation and blackmail

...and in writing this I may have answered my own question ha

yes these i have highlighted are for me red flags physical abuse is often used to make a person feel powerful as they often dont in everyday life, they use it as a form of control to give themselves power over you.

emotional abuse would cover the controlling blackmailing aspects you describe and the kicking and punching inanimate objects show that hes frustrated, often this emotional abuse escalates into physical abuse when you stand up to him and reject his emotional abuse.

when i say escalate however i dont necessarily mean physical abuse is a worse form of abuse, emotional abuse has been shown to carry deep psychological scars that often last a lifetime.

my advice is whether or not he starts to hit you what right has he got to treat you the way he does? emotional abuse is a form of domestic violence, which you dont deserve i suggest get away from him before your self esteem reaches zero and your convinced you deserve no better.

John Mason

OP - i dont know whether you are male or female, not that it matters, but most posters assume you are a girl but going by your name i would assume you are a boy.

i would suggest you remove yourself from the situation, as soon as you can.

you dont say whether you live with this person or not, so its a bit difficult to give you advice but start the necessary arrangements move away.

maybe you should also contact http://www.amen.ie for some advice and someone to listen to you

Barracudaincork

LordDorington wrote: »

Please dont second guess my reasons for posting. Thank you

I didnt second guess, i said "I think" If i was second guessing i would say "I guess".

What is your reason for posting?

Barracudaincork

irishbird wrote: »

OP - i dont know whether you are male or female, not that it matters, but most posters assume you are a girl but going by your name i would assume you are a boy.

i would suggest you remove yourself from the situation, as soon as you can.

you dont say whether you live with this person or not, so its a bit difficult to give you advice but start the necessary arrangements move away.

maybe you should also contact http://www.amen.ie for some advice and someone to listen to you

OP could also be a man and in a relationship with a man.

metrovelvet

They could be. Are definitely part of a system of abuse and enough to make the other party snap and turn from victim to aggressor. Get out now.

Emme

Abusers can be male or female and in heterosexual or same-sex relationships. Womens Aid or Amen are the best places to go for advice, depending on the gender of the person in question. They won't judge on whether it's a heterosexual or same-sex relationship.

mood

LordDorington wrote: »

Do people generally show warning signs before the situation escalates into physical violence? The reason I ask is because my partner shows all the "typical" signs of one who may end up being violent

- jealous of my family and friends, making a big deal when I spend time with them

- addictive personality, alcohol abuse

- personality disorder - everything is always someone else's fault

- temper

- throws stuff

- kicks the wall

- punches inanimate objects

- controlling

- immature

- emotional manipulation and blackmail

...and in writing this I may have answered my own question ha

I agree that this is not a good relationship and you need to get out. Even if he/she never hits you now or in the future why would you stay? It is abuse. It doesn't sound like a close loving relationship. Why also should you live with the fear that you maybe hit. This alone would make me leave.

LordDorington

Barracudaincork wrote: »

I didnt second guess, i said "I think" If i was second guessing i would say "I guess".

Ok then.....

LordDorington

mood wrote: »

I agree that this is not a good relationship and you need to get out. Even if he/she never hits you now or in the future why would you stay? It is abuse. It doesn't sound like a close loving relationship. Why also should you live with the fear that you maybe hit. This alone would make me leave.

Cheers for the advice, appreciated.

Peggypeg

Hey OP,

You haven't given us any real information and then asked for advice, please be aware that the advice you get might not be the best because you've given us so little to go on, you've basically given us a list of things and asked are they a precurser to violence. All the things would be red flags but remember that with the tiny amount of information you've given it's very hard to give proper advice. If you're happy that your question has been answered then the best of luck with whatever you decide, if you still want to talk then give us more info and we can give you better advice.

Best of luck

LordDorington

Peggypeg wrote: »

Hey OP,

You haven't given us any real information and then asked for advice, please be aware that the advice you get might not be the best because you've given us so little to go on, you've basically given us a list of things and asked are they a precurser to violence. All the things would be red flags but remember that with the tiny amount of information you've given it's very hard to give proper advice. If you're happy that your question has been answered then the best of luck with whatever you decide, if you still want to talk then give us more info and we can give you better advice.


Best of luck

Hi thank you for being upfront. I am aware that these boards are not confidential so you can understand that I do not wish to give away too much.

With respect, i appreciate the advice I have been given, realise that it is limited because my info is limited but will not be pushed into divulging more info than I am comfortable with (not that you are trying to but others are)

Thank you again

The Recliner

LordDorington wrote: »

Please dont second guess my reasons for posting. Thank you

Barracudaincork wrote: »

I didnt second guess, i said "I think" If i was second guessing i would say "I guess".

What is your reason for posting?

Can we have less of the bickering please and just get on with the topic at hand, this applies to everyone

Barracudaincork

LordDorington wrote: »

I am aware that these boards are not confidential so you can understand that I do not wish to give away too much.

With respect, i appreciate the advice I have been given, realise that it is limited because my info is limited but will not be pushed into divulging more info than I am comfortable with (not that you are trying to but others are)

Please do not feel that i was trying to push you for info, we are all trying to help and if you had pointed out in the beginning you reluctance to post more info, no one would of asked you for more. We would of respected your wishes, but without knowing your wishes we couldnt. So i am sorry if you felt i pushed you, it wasnt intentional.

I think PeggyPeg is spot on with what she has said and its the best advice anyone can give you with the info supplied. I hope it has helped you and i wish you the best for whatever you decide, good luck!

mood

I think that regardless of how long they are together, if they live together or not etc is irrelevant. This is not acceptable behaviour IMHO.

Peggypeg

mood wrote: »

I think that regardless of how long they are together, if they live together or not etc is irrelevant. This is not acceptable behaviour IMHO.

Hey Mood,
I would agree that it probably doesn't change the core advice i.e. don't put up with that crap. However, it does make a difference if they live with the person, has nowhere else to stay, has family close by or doesn't, is financially dependant on OH or not etc etc, but yeah the core advice wouldn't really change much.

LegacyUser

Which of these are you looking for more OP? Personality traits which would indicate a risk oif violence, or the actual physical signs that someone is about to commit violence?

In terms of physical signs this is an extract from a good self defence article by Darren Laur.

Assault is Possible:

Head, neck, shoulders go back (person making themselves look bigger)
Face is red, twitching, jerking
Lips pushed forward bearing teeth (you see the same things in dogs before attack)
Breathing is fast and shallow (oxygenating the body preparing for fight, flight, hyper vigilance)
Beads of sweat appear about the face/neck
Thousand mile glare
Exaggerated movements
Finger pointing/ head pecking
Totally ignores you
Gives you excessive attention during normal conversation such as direct uninterrupted eye contact
Goes from totally un-cooperative to totally cooperative ( people do not go from hot to cold they de-escalate over time)
Acts stoned or drunk
Directs anger towards other inanimate items such as tables, chairs, walls

Assault is Imminent:

face goes from red to white ( during a physical confrontation the blood will leave the surface of the body and pool to the big muscles and internal organs of the body needed for survival) In my job as a police officer I see this all the time and when I do one of two things are going to happen, the suspect is either going to fight or run
Lips tighten over teeth
Breathing is fast and deep
Change of stance, their body blades and shoulder drops
Hands closed into a fist (not uncommon to see the whites of knuckles due to hands being so tight)
Bobbing up and down or rocking back and forth on feet (this is the bodies way to hide/ mask the initial movement of a first strike)
Target glace (here you will see your opponent look to where he is going to hit, or where he is going to run/escape)
Putting head and shin down (body wants to protect the airway, this action does so to a degree)
Eye brows brought forward into a frown( again the body wants to naturally protect the visual system, this action does so to a degree)
Stops all movements/ freezes in place
Dropping center or lowering of body (no different that a cat or dog getting ready to pounce)
Shedding cloths ( very common, you will see your attacker take his hat, coat, shirt, or bag off just prior to the assault)
One syllable replies ( go from full sentences to one syllable replies….. reptilian brain is clicking in

dan_d

???
Bit confusing but here's my 2 cents....

Any of the things in that list I'd take as a warning flag for the relationship overall, whatever about physical violence. Are you saying that you're happy to stay with this person, as long as they only behave towards you with that behaviour and as long as they're not physically violent?
Personally I'd have been gone a long time ago from that one. I know everyone has their reasons, and every situation is different, but if I were you there'd be loud alarm bells ringing in my head.

Best of luck.

Neyite

I would say that the emotional agression, blackmail, manipulation is as bad, if not worse than getting hit/kicked.

either way, everything you listed are abusive behaviours. i would suggest your local refuge/amen can provide you with some leaflets/information of the abusive profile.

and leave this person. change can only happen when they accept they are at fault - if everything is everybody elses fault then they are not willing to change.

best of luck