Is it possible to switch off or dampen my libido? Warning, not for kids.

LegacyUser

I've been married to my beautiful wife for over five years. We've been together over 10 and have lived together for 9 years. We have 3 beautiful young children. I love my wife dearly. I do not want a divorce or another sexual partner and I'm worried I'm masturbating too much.

What I do want is more affection, more lovingness, hugs, kisses, saying yes / no problem if I ask her to scratch my back or rub my shoulders or neck or feet. I offer to do these things for her but she doesn't want me to and says she can do it herself, though I do get to rub her shoulders a wee bit when she's having a smoke the odd time but there's never a that's nice or do it here or there.

Our libidos and affections seemed to mismatch about 6 years ago for some unknown reason that neither she or I can explain. It just happened. Valentines day was a good day until later in the evening when I asked her would be ok sometimes if she didn't want to make love to do other things like give me a hand-job or rub my chest or fondle me a little but that ended up in a terrible argument where she said all sexual contact was linked to emotion and intimacy for her and that if she was forced to do something like that it would make her feel like a prostitute, and that she would prefer to blow her own head off with a shotgun instead and wanted a divorce if that's what I wanted. I do feel this is normal for a husband to ask for the odd time, maybe once a week?

I love my wife folks, she's an amazing mother and we have some great interests and some great laughs, we're so alike it many ways. When I masturbate I do look at porn often but I always end up imagining that it's my wife with me. I did masturbate the odd time but it has become an almost daily occurence now an I'm worried about that but most of all I'm worried that I will resent my wife and hate her someday. I think I'm a good husband, she says I am.

Sorry for this being all over the place. I just want to know if there is anyway to switch off or medically qwell my need / addiction for my wife before I cause myself to feel totally rejected and turn on her, which I'm worried might happen.

Thanks.

dudara

OK, just to give us a little more background, can you tell us how often you have sex? Or how your sex life has been over the last few years?

The Davestator

Buy a book called 'the sex diaries' it's diaries of couples written from both sides of the relationship. Very helpful.;)

Faith

Microcosm wrote: »

Our libidos and affections seemed to mismatch about 6 years ago for some unknown reason that neither she or I can explain. It just happened. Valentines day was a good day until later in the evening when I asked her would be ok sometimes if she didn't want to make love to do other things like give me a hand-job or rub my chest or fondle me a little but that ended up in a terrible argument where she said all sexual contact was linked to emotion and intimacy for her and that if she was forced to do something like that it would make her feel like a prostitute, and that she would prefer to blow her own head off with a shotgun instead and wanted a divorce if that's what I wanted. I do feel this is normal for a husband to ask for the odd time, maybe once a week?

Let me get this straight - you're married to a woman who would prefer a divorce to rubbing her husband's chest once in a while?

Do you kiss each other? Hug? Cuddle at night?

Honestly, it sounds like there's something very wrong. Are you sure she has no idea why she suddenly went off intimacy? Could anything have happened that you don't know about?

LegacyUser

sorry firstly for the rushed disjointed post earlier...

lovemaking is infrequent. Maybe once every 3 months with the odd twice a month. It's not been the greatest for my wife as I feel incredible pressure to hold off and hold off and make her come but slow down start and stop alot. But at the beginning of the less love making all was still good for her (or so I believe). Since the youngest was born my wife felt her libido was back after 9 months of no lovemaking. So we have made love twice in the last 5 months for hours on end each time and it is fantastic but we both never climax now and it kind of ends badly. But the fact of the matter is she believes she is normal and I don't doubt her. She is perfect in every other way. So I think the best thing for me is to quash my libido or feelings some way. Anyone ever face similar? She doesn't want to do joint councelling and is not very happy about me going to my gp to get myself referred as I went recently and was prescribed cialis for some loss of sensation although that doesn't do the job that way unfortunately. Again all over the place this as I'm rushing. Sorry.

LegacyUser

op you are not making any outrageous requests there at all and in fact she should want to do that stuff without you having to ask. I would LOVE that level of intimacy/affection.

In my last relationship, I'd say I initiated a bit more than my bf but on nites he was tired and i wanted to do stuff, i would kiss his body and give him a bj and a handjob and it was lovely. I enjoyed it cos i loved him and i wanted him so badly. why wouldn't couples do that sort of thing for each other! And a fondle is great too. I used to do that at the cinema and watching tv! thats all good healthy normal stuff.

Theres something seriously up with her op and you need to get to the bottom of it.
I don't think it'll go away too quickly.

LegacyUser

ya know, I've actually posted here in the past perhaps twice before on the side of whats wrong with my wife... and it's been wait and see, time will tell after having the baby etc etc. But the fact is I think that is just the way my wife is now wired and I love her and I don;t want to make her feel guilty and selfish as if she's evil for not wanting to do these things. So I've come to the point that it's time to take one for the team / family and I'm the one who needs to be fixed. I really appreciate and ENVY (your post especially comeon! as it actually has me crying) what you guys are saying etc but I'm going to have to find some way of fixing me as my wife ain't gonna change. I'm trying to accept that and find out if anyone else has been in the same position and found out how to get to that point. Torture aren't i? Thanks folks

aidan24326

Microcosm wrote: »

sorry firstly for the rushed disjointed post earlier...

lovemaking is infrequent. Maybe once every 3 months with the odd twice a month. It's not been the greatest for my wife as I feel incredible pressure to hold off and hold off and make her come but slow down start and stop alot. But at the beginning of the less love making all was still good for her (or so I believe). Since the youngest was born my wife felt her libido was back after 9 months of no lovemaking. So we have made love twice in the last 5 months for hours on end each time and it is fantastic but we both never climax now and it kind of ends badly. But the fact of the matter is she believes she is normal and I don't doubt her. She is perfect in every other way. So I think the best thing for me is to quash my libido or feelings some way. Anyone ever face similar? She doesn't want to do joint councelling and is not very happy about me going to my gp to get myself referred as I went recently and was prescribed cialis for some loss of sensation although that doesn't do the job that way unfortunately. Again all over the place this as I'm rushing. Sorry.

You know that's not the answer. Your wife is more the problem here than you, you wanting sex and intimacy more often than you're getting it at the moment is perfectly normal. I know couples have different libidos and everyone's sex life is different but for a relatively young and otherwise happily married couple to be having sex so infrequently is not normal no matter how you look at it.

And you wanting the odd relieving handjob or something similiar once in a while is hardly asking for too much either. The problem here is that she should want to do those things anyway, what's the point in being with someone at all if you're missing out on all that good stuff? I'd agree with what comeon! has said above, that something is very much amiss. But if she won't agree to possible remedial action such as councelling and she still thinks there's nothing wrong, then it's kinda hard to know where you can go with this. This type of problem will almost certainly come between you in the long run if it's not addressed and if she wants to stay married she would want to wake up and realise that pretty quickly.

PS You're actually being pretty understanding about this really, alot of guys who were being starved of sex the way you are would inevitably seek it elsewhere, so she should consider herself lucky that you're not off rogering the office secretary or something similiar at this stage. (I'm not trying to condone cheating by the way, just that everyone has their breaking point eventually).

PopUp

How old are your kids OP? If you've had them since you got married I'm guessing you have three under 5?

Are any of them in school yet?

Does your wife work or stay at home with them?

Going on what's been said so far, I think you two definitely need counselling. You are simply not communicating with each other at all. You say she 'doesn't want' to but if the spectre of divorce has already been raised, it's time for you to be honest about how unhappy and confused you are. Start going yourself - and tell her, don't do it in secret - if she really can't be persuaded.

One thing I will say - and I think counselling will help with this - is that you are both not able to see how unhappy you both are. She doesn't seem to realise how desperate you are getting. And on the converse side (and I'm not trying to have a go or anything, I mean this in a very gentle way, just to maybe help you see how much counselling could help you understand each other) I think you are missing seeing some things from her point of view.

For you, touching/massaging/a back rub or a foot rub is a way of expressing love. Now I am actually right there with you! BUT not everybody is like that. From your wife's perspective - it's the end of the day, the kids are finally in bed, she's exhausted from working/housework/minding kids - all she wants to do is sit in peace and watch Law and Order (or whatever!) and have a cup of tea and feel like a grown-up. When she has three kids under five crawling all over her all day, she wants a moment to herself. For you, seeing her exhausted, you think what you'd like in her position, and that's a backrub. But maybe what would actually comfort her is just making her a cup of tea, or letting her have a bath while you put the kids to bed, or you cleaning the kitchen after dinner (I am sure you help out loads all the time, I am just trying to show that people have different ways of showing and appreciating romantic gestures!). Or even just the two of you sitting quietly together. Because at the moment what she thinks when you reach for her is 'Oh great, he wants sex.' And she has three little kids pulling at her all day wanting things, she doesn't want to get that from her husband too.

THIS IS ALL FIXABLE! It's not set in stone, you can learn to communicate better, and best of all - this season of life with three little kids will not last forever. But you have to get some help. As it is the pair of you are distancing yourselves from each other more and more.

I think if your wife won't go to counselling you should show her this thread.

Miss Fluff

lovemaking is infrequent. Maybe once every 3 months with the odd twice a month. It's not been the greatest for my wife as I feel incredible pressure to hold off and hold off and make her come but slow down start and stop alot.

It is ok to have a quickie you know. When infrequency is the issue at play, each time you do make love it doesn't have to be an Oscar worthy performance so stop putting yourself (and her) under that type of pressure. It can be VERY boring being banged for hours on end.

So we have made love twice in the last 5 months for hours on end each time and it is fantastic but we both never climax now and it kind of ends badly.

Has this been since you started taking Cialis? Cialis is like Viagra right? Do you actually have erectile dysfunction or are you taking it "recreationally"?

But the fact of the matter is she believes she is normal and I don't doubt her.

What's normal for one person mightn't be for another. Lots of long-term couples have to compromise on how often they want to have sex. Have you discussed this? What would be a reasonable comprimise to you? And to her? Her lack of affection is another issue altogether though, was there an event/time when she just stopped being loving or has she always been cold?

So I think the best thing for me is to quash my libido or feelings some way.

Not a good idea, you'll end up even more frustrated than you are now.

She doesn't want to do joint councelling and is not very happy about me going to my gp to get myself referred as I went recently and was prescribed cialis for some loss of sensation although that doesn't do the job that way unfortunately.

You should definitely ask her to reconsider counselling. And am curious about you taking Cialis for loss of sensation. Are you used solely to ejaculating through masturbation now and unable to climax through penetrative sex?

bindutantra

The problem you are having with climaxing (both of you) is that there is a blockage that is causing this. Our bodies forget nothing, the cellular memory of the body although our minds do forget.

Sometimes something that we dont realise causes us to loose control of erection or sensations that we maybe feeling.

In your case the constant rejection is causing you to doubt yourself and your sexual abilities and the fact that you are masterbating is causing you anxiouty too as you think you are doing it too often.

Doctors will always throw drugs at problems when there is no need to prescribe and fill the body with toxins.

Its about rediscovering each other in a different way. She thinks all you want is sex and you think you dont get enough and this is affecting your relationship. I have seen this many times when I work with couples and it is all about a happy compromise. I have seen guys have the urge to ejaculate on a daily basis and if they dont they go bananas. There is plenty of help out there that can help you deal with these issues and by the sounds of it thats what you need.

pilgrim1

I'm going through something similar right now. I've been married for 10 years and have two lovely kids (9&6). I love my wife dearly, we've been through a tough time lately, (financially). my wife started a new job recently, but everyone in there is young free and single and go out all the time. My wife goes out with them. She's been getting a lot of texts latley from a girl called Maria, and being very secretive. I rang Maria's number and a guy answered. I confronted my wife about this and a huge row broke out. When we were calming down, she dropped the bombshell that although she still loves me, she's not in love with me. She says I'm the perfect husband, the perfect father and the perfect man, and she feels so bad that she can't love me. I'm also about to lose my job in June.

I haven't been able to eat, sleep or stop crying. I'm scared sh*tless of what the future holds. I'm so worried about what's going to happen to the kids. I've lost touch with most of my friends through financial difficulties, pressures of life and work etc. I'm so lonley and depressed, I have contemplated suicide and it's still on the table. My wife and kids are my whole life.

How did your situation work out? How did you cope? I hope everythings ok for you now.