Broke up with GF while drunk...regret it...

LegacyUser

Have had a difficult last few days and would appreciate any advice anyone can give. I'm finding it very difficult to get any clarity myself on this. My heads just a big swirl of thoughts.

So my GF and I were together for about a year until a few days ago when i broke up with her. We were on a night out and I had had WAY too much drink. Not something i normally do as i generally stick to beer but in this case i was drinking vodka which i'm not used to and so was in a particularly bad way. Anyway what started as some misunderstandings between us got magnified by drink as so often happens and i ended up upset and annoyed with her.

Up to then we had actually been very happy. We had made plans for valentines which we were both really looking forward to and these were going well. My only concern was that over the last two months she has not really been herself. Shes been quite moody and emotional...as if trying to distance herself from me and also breaking down in to tears randomly. Although I figured it would pass and she would be ok with a bit of support from me , i guess looking back now the way she was carrying on (particularly the way she tried to distance herself from me) was really taking its toll on me and that frustration came to a head the other night.

I remember at one point as i was sitting down sipping water she just said **** this and went of to dance. I think this is what got me so angry as iv lost count of the number of times iv brought her home early from places having drank far far more then i did the other night. In fact only a week ago i had to stay with her most of the night until she was sober enough to be safe to leave alone.

So basically later on in the night i broke up with her. It was spur of the moment and utterly unplanned. Just my stupid drunken way of expressing my frustration and annoyance. But of course she didnt see it that way.

The next day i went around her house and we were both quite upset. I ended up staying the night and it was like nothing had ever happened. I guess both of us just wish it never happened and we were still together. I said i didn't mean what i had said and i regretted it.

She says that she wants to be with me but she cant. That she doesn't believe i didn't mean to breakup with her and that she thinks deep down i meant what i said. That she cant go back to me only to be hurt again. She also thinks that if she took me back so soon that she couldnt respect herself and that neither would i. (What do people think of that last point---its really had me wondering??)

Ultimately, shes afraid of being hurt again. And I couldn't in good conscience go back out with her unless i was absolutely certain i wanted to be with her. I feel awful for hurting her like this.

The thing is i'v told her i want to be with her but she doesnt believe me. I feel as if even if i went off and thought about it for years, it wouldn't make a dam bit of difference because she wouldn't accept it.

So what do i do now?

We are broken up but yet we are not. Theres no hard feelings par se and we talk almost as if nothing happened. We are in college together so its very claustrophobic. I feel like i need total and utter separation as far as possible if we are to break up.

I feel as if we both need time to think about things and decide what is we both want. But what form should this time take? It would drive me crazy to continue the way it is: being broken up but yet not beginning to go through that separation process.

She said that she wants to be with me but that she cant right now and that she cant ask me to wait around while she decides what to do. what does that mean?? it almost implies that she feels she will want to be with me again given some time??

I cant stand this state of limbo, not knowing what direction i am going in with her. How can we give each other the space and time to think things through. It feels as though we are on a break but its not.

MaggieZ

Hi,
I might be wrong, but it sounds like she hadn't been happy for a while, that's where all the emotions and tears were coming from. Obviously she cares for you, but perhaps you gave her an excuse for a break up without her being the bad guy. I was once in a relationship that i knew wasn't working for me, but i cared for the guy and didn't want to hurt him, and my emotions were all over the place too. So it could be the case here. I say, agree on a cool off period, say, two weeks, no contact. If she still hasn't made up her mind by then - you got your answer. It will probably be the hardest two weeks of your life, but at least you both will get your heads straight.

CBFi

I agree with MaggieZ- take the break and see how you feel. but try not to be in contact so you can make up your minds seperately. It does sound like there has been something going on before this.

That said, it's obvious you didnt mean it, and you want to stay together, so do everything you can to make sure she believes you. At least then, no matter what happens, you wont have any regrets because you did all you could and it was her decision in the end.

Dunno if this helps!

LegacyUser

Have to agree with previous two posters Op, sounds like she was looking for a way out, and you just gave it to her. Sorry if that sounds harsh, but I have been where she is. Too afraid to hurt the other party by splitting up with them, so just bit by bit, pushing them away, so that they end up doing the break-up.

LegacyUser

Hey guys, OP here...

Thanks so much for your advice guys, i really appreciate it. I can see why you would think she was having doubts leading up to this. Indeed i wondered about this myself at first. But having thought about it, its definitely not the case.

She was really happy before this and was devastated when i broke up with her. I think part of the reason shes been so upset is that i had said i was going away travelling for the summer and that maybe we should break up. I think she has felt that i don't feel as strongly about her as she does. Even though thats not true, i just don't perhaps express it as verbally as she does. It comes across that she really wants to be with me but just doesn't think i do.

I think you guys are definitely right about taking a break from everything to clear our heads. Its just going to be very tough to do, especially while keeping up with college work. Since we are in college together its almost impossible to have no contact but thats exactly what i think is needed.

mood

confused 657 wrote: »

Up to then we had actually been very happy. We had made plans for valentines which we were both really looking forward to and these were going well. My only concern was that over the last two months she has not really been herself. Shes been quite moody and emotional...as if trying to distance herself from me and also breaking down in to tears randomly. Although I figured it would pass and she would be ok with a bit of support from me , i guess looking back now the way she was carrying on (particularly the way she tried to distance herself from me) was really taking its toll on me and that frustration came to a head the other night.

I have seen friend change like this in the past after going on the pill or changing pills. Maybe this is the case her.

I hope it all works out ok.

LegacyUser

Hi OP,

I think you must realise how hurt your girlfriend must be feeling and how she is obviously questioning if you really do want to be with her. You broke up with her out of the blue and this must have shattered her confidence in your relationship.

You say that you did not want to break up with her, then why did you say what you did? I think you must realise that this is an unacceptable and immature way of expressing your frustration and is hurtful to your girlfriend.

I think you should give her as much time and space as she needs. Give her time. She is obviously extremely hurt so when you do see her I would make sure to show you really do love her. Complement her and tell her how lucky you are to have her in your life. Be patient and understand how much you hurt her.

You will have to work hard to win back her trust. If you really do want to be with this girl it will be worth the effort. Show her you really want her. However make sure you really do want her, don't go breaking the poor girls heart in a month.

CDfm

OP there are a few things going on here.

You mention you dont want to break up with her but suggested a break while you travel in the summer. So it looks like you are instigating the break.You have done the break up thing twice.

I am a man and I dont blame her -if the same thing happened to me it would make me insecure in a relationship- so while she may have feelings for you -you cant expect her to be there at your convenience.

You need to reconcile your feelings for her. If she is questioning your commitment and doesnt fully believe that you are commited to the relationship -you have given her reasons too.

I am not having a go but you need to see it from her point of view.

LegacyUser

CDfm wrote: »

-you cant expect her to be there at your convenience.

If she is questioning your commitment and doesnt fully believe that you are commited to the relationship -you have given her reasons too.

I am not having a go but you need to see it from her point of view.

Have to say I agree with the above, tbh it seems like she may have a point in questioning your commitment to the relationship. You say you knew how upset she was at the idea of breaking up at summer yet even still after this you broke up with her on a night out? Are you doing this to punish her or to get her attention?

To me it seems like you throw the idea of breaking up around without thinking about the consequences or the effect it is having on your relationship. If you continue like this you will lose her without a doubt. Whilst she may care deeply for her she will find someone who wants to be with her and who shows her that they do and who doesn't break up with her on nights out.

Everyone deserves to feel appreciated. It comes across that you don't really value this relationship or really love this girl. Is this true? If so walk away and let her find someone who will appreciate her. If you care about this girl make sure you don't only realise what you have when it's gone. Honestly OP what are you playing at?

dcmu

I agree with the above. i would also suggest that if you really want to get back with her, put your plans for travelling on ice. Getting back with her for only three months is probably a big part of the reason she won't do it.

Of course, you could always do it the other way round - go away for the summer. But if that's the case, you'll just have to suck it up and accept that the relationship ends now, not in June.

If you commit to her, and drop your plans, that might perhaps turn her back around. It seems likely it's what has her upset the last while too.

kryogen

you possibly gave her the easy way out of the relatioonship she had been looking for mate

she hasnt been happy for a while by the sounds of it and may have wanted to end it but didnt wanna lose a friend also, and you possibly made i easier on her

if i was you id try move on, her saying she doesnt believe you didnt mean it when you have told her a few times that you didnt just screams of her making excuses to me