Struggling to cope....

LegacyUser

I don't know how I'm going to write this but anyways here goes:

Years ago I was abused by one of my dad as was my mother, she was pretty used to physical and verbal arguements and confrontations.

On one occasion I remember my dad with his hands around my mother's neck, he was fixated while doing this. Only for the presence of my older brother I would be pretty certain she wouldn't be here today.

I don't know why this one occasion stands out because there was a few of them over the years and even to this present day they are still verbal arguements on a weekly basis.

My issue here is that for every verbal arguement that goes on, I see it as that exact same domestic that happened all those years ago. The exact same scene, clothing, positioning etc.

I feel as if I'm going mad, to say the least! I am now in my early 20's and am incredibly confused by this whole situation...

My mother just used to carry on as if it were any other day. She just normalises it and I can't. In can handle a verbal arguement but I just can't handle picturing this every week.

I have gone to numerous counselling sessions and I still can't make sence of it. It is now impacting greatly on my life both social, and academic. My attendance at lectures and tutorials has seriously declined, I can hardly get out of bed in the morning (some days I don't) then when I do get up I am in an absolutely atrocious mood, and my relationship with my friend has just become really difficult. Is this normal?

I did go to my GP but he just gave me anti-depressants a year ago and said that things will get better,when I was in recently. I can't see that happening at this moment in time....

Angus Og

It's not strange for such a thing to stay in the mind. You're a good person, and you are right not to normalise it. Such things are only normal if everyone accepts them, and that would be a terrible thing.

Here's a simple question. Does it stick in your mind because you wish you could go back and do something about your father?

You aren't the first person to have such regrets, and all you can do is continue to have a conscience.

LegacyUser

Angus Og wrote: »

It's not strange for such a thing to stay in the mind. You're a good person, and you are right not to normalise it. Such things are only normal if everyone accepts them, and that would be a terrible thing.

Here's a simple question. Does it stick in your mind because you wish you could go back and do something about your father?

You aren't the first person to have such regrets, and all you can do is continue to have a conscience.

In some ways may sound strange but it kind of feels normal even though I know it's not....

I do wish I could have done something apart from just stand there, and do nothing. I just froze and could do nothing...I dunno I was only 11 at the time and it was like my dad had a super strength and all my mum done was scream for my brother to help her.

I just can't seem to move past this and everyday life is becomming a serious struggle....

how do you deal with this??

Angus Og

At 11 it's completely understandable to freeze in a situation like that. I always thought of my father like that, too, and he was never violent or even aggressive.

I think your mother's indifference has badly affected your view, though you still know it was wrong.

You're in your 20s now, so have you tried challenging her on the issue? Or him?

LegacyUser

Angus Og wrote: »

At 11 it's completely understandable to freeze in a situation like that. I always thought of my father like that, too, and he was never violent or even aggressive.

I think your mother's indifference has badly affected your view, though you still know it was wrong.

You're in your 20s now, so have you tried challenging her on the issue? Or him?

Like even now when all it is is a verbal arguement I see this exact scene and tbh it deriously scares me.

It was only in the last two weeks that I discovered while talking to a younger sibling that what was actually going on was a verbal arguement rather that what I was making it out to be as a full blown domestic in my head. This is the bit I am confused about, why am I only realising about this now, and why didn't I see it as a verbal arguement for what it was?

No matter how many times I have challenged my mother on the issue, she says thing are grand, they are alot better than they were years ago and I'm okay with that, it's just another day-everyone has their arguements from time to time... I know people have arguements but of this frequency?? I don't think so!

I am of the opinion that my mother should have left my father years ago but I know for financial reasons that may not have been easy being a single mum! As for my father, alcohol is the main issue-he will start a row over the smallest thing! And for me, I left home 3/4 years ago to go to college which I hardly attend these days. I no longer live at home but I do stay there at the weekends. I know I shouldn't go home for distance reasons etc but from one end of things it's a break away from college and an opportunity to catch up with friends..

Angus Og

Maybe you'll just have to accept that your mother doesn't want to talk about it. Whatever happens, don't slide out of college. You'll need that. Maybe focus even harder.

I'm sort of at a loss as to what I should say, but I had to answer.

LegacyUser

Thanks hey..

I am going to got back to a counselling session this week and try and work hard and make sence of things for my own sanity...

It's just the fact that this is now standing out more and more in my mind in recent month even when I'm not at home! I just don't understand it like...

I think of it when I'm away during the week and then I picture it at the weekends! I really do need to move on from this!