Should I be more demanding?

LegacyUser

Just looking for an outsider's opinion.
I've been seeing a man (say his name is John) for the last two months, things were a bit bumpy at first when I didn't hear from him for a few days (we'd arranged to meet up). It turned out that he had to get a new phone because he wrecked his first one. All fine and dandy.
Fast forward to last week. I text him. He didn't reply until three days later with the excuse that he'd 'no credit'. Alarm bells going off left, right and centre. I know if I was interested in someone, I wouldn't wait for three days to text them back, credit or no credit.
I think the coolness started when I told him how I broke up with an ex. All in the past for me, and I learned from it, but I don't think John was too enamoured by what I told him. Now in the previous few months, John had told me some choice stories that I wasn't too enamoured with either! But hey it's all part of getting to know someone, right?
Met him on Sat night, had sent him a text about meeting up with him. Didn't text back. I asked him why he didn't text back, cue some bull about dropping his phone in the toilet. I then asked him out straight if he was that bothered in seeing me. Had to ask him twice, he eventually said no. We shook hands and that was that.

Just reading back over that, it sounds like I'm ranting!! But seriously, what is the story? I treated John with nothing but respect, but now I'm wondering if I should've been more demanding (eg I used to go halves on everything, used to give him lifts etc). I've seen men go out with women who treat them like dirt, yet they're falling over themselves to please them!

I truly give up!

AnonoBoy

igiveup wrote: »

Just reading back over that, it sounds like I'm ranting!! But seriously, what is the story? I treated John with nothing but respect, but now I'm wondering if I should've been more demanding (eg I used to go halves on everything, used to give him lifts etc). I've seen men go out with women who treat them like dirt, yet they're falling over themselves to please them!

I truly give up!

Give up on that guy but not all guys. There's plenty of other dudes out there who will be a lot nicer.

cafecolour

You can't really draw conclusions from one 2-month dating. He lost interest, it happens. I wouldn't think too much about it, and certainly don't try and change by becoming 'more demanding.' Just start looking for someone else and hope you click better.

Though having said that, if you come off as a bit crazy in your break-up story, I wouldn't be telling that to lads, especially that quickly

LegacyUser

cafecolour wrote: »

Though having said that, if you come off as a bit crazy in your break-up story, I wouldn't be telling that to lads, especially that quickly

For me it was just a story about my past where I learned something. The story itself wasn't a patch on some of the stories he told me! (like the one where his girlfriend pushed him in front of a car and he carried on going out with her!)

I suppose that story itself has me suspecting that I should have demanded more.

Lol, maybe I should've pushed him in front of a car, what a lovely couple we'd make! : )

Barracudaincork

igiveup wrote: »

I treated John with nothing but respect,

How about you start treating yourself with some more respect and dont waste time on someone who is just not into you? You know he wasnt/isnt as into you as you are into when he hadnt replied to your text becuase he had no credit etcI dont think he disrespected you, i just dont think he cared tbh.

The good news is there are plenty of men out there who will be into you and you wont have to deal with John type cr*p!

Also re your break up story regardless of the fact you learnt from it, keep it quiet, no guy wants to hear about the time you were mental even if you did learn from it and before you say you werent mental, a guy will think you were!

Emme

igiveup wrote: »

I treated John with nothing but respect, but now I'm wondering if I should've been more demanding (eg I used to go halves on everything, used to give him lifts etc). I've seen men go out with women who treat them like dirt, yet they're falling over themselves to please them!

I truly give up!

It isn't good to be a high maintenance princess type, but don't be a doormat either. I've made that mistake in the past and got walked on for it. With one guy I always went halves (ok, no big deal) but if we went out and he had steak and I had something less fancy he'd split the bill exactly halves. If it was the other way round he'd itemise the bill. Another thing he'd do is round off the bill in my favour so I'd end up paying slightly more. I let it go at first but he earned a lot more than me and I felt like I was being taken for a mug.

Back to the OP - forget John, he's not treating you with respect, move on. If you want respect you've got to respect yourself.

LegacyUser

Barracudaincork wrote: »

How about you start treating yourself with some more respect and dont waste time on someone who is just not into you? You know he wasnt/isnt as into you as you are into when he hadnt replied to your text becuase he had no credit etcI dont think he disrespected you, i just dont think he cared tbh.

The good news is there are plenty of men out there who will be into you and you wont have to deal with John type cr*p!

Also re your break up story regardless of the fact you learnt from it, keep it quiet, no guy wants to hear about the time you were mental even if you did learn from it and before you say you werent mental, a guy will think you were!

Thanks for all the replies.

In fairness, my (one) story wasn't at all bad. My boyfriend hadn't been in contact with me for five or six days, I had started a new job in the meantime, never heard from him so I assumed he'd lost interest. I sent him a text saying it was over, had good times with him, all the best etc. John on the other hand had told me several stories that would make your toes curl (about his ex, and his drinking-he shared all these stories with me before I opened my mouth about anything in my past). Double standards and selfishness on his part I suppose. A relationship is supposed to be a two way street, if I have to listen to stories from his past, he should have the decency to return the favour.

Thinking over it again yesterday, I can't stand being taken for granted and never have let myself be taken for granted. It's tough enough getting to know someone wihtout having the extra hassle of second guessing whether they're still into you or not. I always expect that somebody will put on their best appearance the first couple of months you're seeing them (I know I do), so if they fall below that standard, I get rid of them.

It's a combination of the break up blues and the blatant double standards shown by John that has me posting here. I'll get over it, just needed to vent! This is a good place to do it : )

mood

igiveup wrote: »

It's tough enough getting to know someone wihtout having the extra hassle of second guessing whether they're still into you or not.

I think (in general) if you are second guessing whether they're into you or not that you know the answer!

LegacyUser

mood wrote: »

I think (in general) if you are second guessing whether they're into you or not that you know the answer!

True...it's like asking yourself 'Am I drunk'? If you have to ask yourself that question, then you're definitely drunk! : )

Thanks for all the replies, good to get things off my chest

Barracudaincork

igiveup wrote: »

In fairness, my (one) story wasn't at all bad. My boyfriend hadn't been in contact with me for five or six days, I had started a new job in the meantime, never heard from him so I assumed he'd lost interest. I sent him a text saying it was over, had good times with him, all the best etc.

Ok thats not even a story! I really thought you had done something worthy of desperate housewifes here!!! Sorry!!!! Your story above shows how much you treat someone with respect!

Im pleased to hear that you wont be taken for granted etc many people would be, and i have no doubt you will get over, you seem to strong to be knocked back by someone like John!

LegacyUser

Barracudaincork wrote: »

Ok thats not even a story! I really thought you had done something worthy of desperate housewifes here!!! Sorry!!!! Your story above shows how much you treat someone with respect!

Im pleased to hear that you wont be taken for granted etc many people would be, and i have no doubt you will get over, you seem to strong to be knocked back by someone like John!

Thank you so much for the compliment. Much appreciated in my post break up state : ) (and it's prompted me to change my user name!)

I assume that's the reason he went cool on me. Prior to that he had talked about doing something on Valentine's Day. Then after 'the story' I heard nothing for three days with the no credit excuse at the end of it.

LegacyUser

While I don't condone "John"'s behaviour, in my experience, guys who act like pricks seem to attract and hold on to more women. Any of my friends who treat women badly are never in short supply of women to treat badly.
By contrast, I always try to be nice to people (in general, not just women) and never get anywhere.

It's made me wonder on more than one occasion if I'd be better off treating women badly and I don't think I could ever bring myself to do it but I can certainly understand why some guys would.