why am i never the girl who gets the guy?

LegacyUser

Just feeling really really down after the weekend. I am just not the girl who ever gets the guy she likes, or any guy for that matter and it is just so disheartening. After a weekend where I got rejected again I just feel like climbing into a hole and not bothering to come out again. I know rejection is normal and happens to the best of us...but when you're rejected every time you try there just isnt a lot of motivation to continue trying.

I know I have a severe lack of self esteem that i have started working on through counselling. I know that I have a hard time trusting guys due to past experiences (dad left home when i was v young and doesnt really bother with me no matter how hard i try to have a relationship with him). I don't have many male friends, i just feel like men want very little to do with me, platonically or otherwise.

I try to cover up my self esteem issues so that I dont come across as needy and insecure but maybe people can see through this. I dont act desperate around men, im not desperately seeking out someone to be with, but anytime I have ever liked someone and tried to ask them out, i just get told no thanks.

Im not a bad person and dont think i have a major personality defect or anything as I have a great group of friends. I value them so much and feel valued by them back which leads me to the the impression that i am just not attractive or fanciable, which in turn impacts on how i feel about myself. I know i am slightly overweight but even when i've been at my slimmest and felt my most confident, i had no luck or attention. everytime i try to talk to my friends about how i feel, i just get told to stop being silly.

Just once I'd like to be the girl that someone likes, seeks out etc or just finds attractive. It sounds so pathetic, im in my mid 20's for gods sake not an angsty teenager, and i know there are bigger problems out there but it just really gets me down.

BEAT

wow, this takes me back... this post sounds almost identical to something I posted about 7 years ago or so...
I am now 32 and happily married.
What I can tell you from being where you are now is that you need to lighten up and learn how to be happy on your own first. You need to start going out and having fun without thinking about who your going to meet while your out.
You are single now because your supposed to be, everything really does happen for a reason and it just isnt your time yet.
You will meet that someone special eventually, it does happen...it just never happens when you want it to and the more you think about it, dwell on it and bring yourself down about it the further away you et from it.

Patience is something you will need to learn and happy is something you will need to be.
People are attracted to people who are happy and confident. Travel, have some experiences...go outside of your normal box and do things you wouldnt normally do, it will give you the life experience you need and it will also open up doors to new friends and new possibilities for your future life

Live your life and find your happiness, everything else will fall into place when its time.

Scanlas The 2nd

Don't feel guilty for how you feel, accept how you feel, don't resist it.

Its OK to feel down over for any reason what so ever.

LegacyUser

BEAT wrote: »

wow, this takes me back... this post sounds almost identical to something I posted about 7 years ago or so...
I am now 32 and happily married.
What I can tell you from being where you are now is that you need to lighten up and learn how to be happy on your own first. You need to start going out and having fun without thinking about who your going to meet while your out.
You are single now because your supposed to be, everything really does happen for a reason and it just isnt your time yet.
You will meet that someone special eventually, it does happen...it just never happens when you want it to and the more you think about it, dwell on it and bring yourself down about it the further away you et from it.

Patience is something you will need to learn and happy is something you will need to be.
People are attracted to people who are happy and confident. Travel, have some experiences...go outside of your normal box and do things you wouldnt normally do, it will give you the life experience you need and it will also open up doors to new friends and new possibilities for your future life

Live your life and find your happiness, everything else will fall into place when its time.

I disagree with this post in so many ways. I am a person who of late has begun to believe that we make our own destiny. Finding a partner is all about psychology, if it weren't "the game" would simply not work. Now, I'm like neverthegirl. I rarely get the girl I want, and the rare time that I have done in the past, I let my low self esteem create something that got in the way. What I realized recently is that it's all in my head. I am preventing myself from meeting someone. There is no other reason.
I do agree though that patience, confidence and happiness are part of turning things around.

LegacyUser

Hello OP,,
i just had to write back,,im in exactly the same position. also in ,id 20s, family and guy probs.. and i am glad u realise that yes it does happen to the best of us..
i know so many pretty sound girls who have been rejected by guys for no apparent reason,..
I too meet guys when i go out we get on well, we hang out, numbers swapped and then nothing.. I can really idenify with you when u say that you try to mask any insecurites you have so the guy wont think your needy..

I always try play it cool, but it never works! i think trying to be something else always ends up being a bad idea. because the pent up frustration explodes in you and you may end up scaring your partner away...

are the guys you meet in nighclubs r out? I think then you have so much more to take into account, alcohol, the cold light of day etc!

I think the best thing u can do is give the guys a break for a while, even a month or so..stay with your counsellings... and it sh!t you cant talk to your friends,thats not good.but even for now try and focus on other things to make yourself feel better about yourself..
meeting guys all d time and it not working out is only going to chip away your confidence by bit till your so desparate you hook up with anyone

best of luck

LegacyUser

Sorry nevertheguy, but i think Beats posting actually makes great sense.
I am another neverthegirl and its getting frustrating.

I am getting sick of meeting guys then getting my hopes up and then nothing! I had a really harsh break up a few months ago and it made me realise exactly what Beat is talking about. you need to be happy with yourself before you can be happy with anyone else.

Yes nevertheguy.. like you make your own destiny i think but surely if your making your own destiny you are doing so by making yourself happy with yourself first?

I think this makes sense and Beat is right.. being a more happy with yourself reflects you as a happier more stable / positive person and at the end of the day thats what we all want in a partner..

My sister was in the same position as me a few years back and then when she started looking after number 1 she met her fiance and shes getting married in june and she was feeling completely hopeless.. when i feel like that i talk to her or look at her situation and how happy she is and think... maybe i will fine that someday..

BEAT wrote: »

wow, this takes me back... this post sounds almost identical to something I posted about 7 years ago or so...
I am now 32 and happily married.
What I can tell you from being where you are now is that you need to lighten up and learn how to be happy on your own first. You need to start going out and having fun without thinking about who your going to meet while your out.
You are single now because your supposed to be, everything really does happen for a reason and it just isnt your time yet.
You will meet that someone special eventually, it does happen...it just never happens when you want it to and the more you think about it, dwell on it and bring yourself down about it the further away you et from it.

Patience is something you will need to learn and happy is something you will need to be.
People are attracted to people who are happy and confident. Travel, have some experiences...go outside of your normal box and do things you wouldnt normally do, it will give you the life experience you need and it will also open up doors to new friends and new possibilities for your future life

Live your life and find your happiness, everything else will fall into place when its time.

LegacyUser

why do you disagreed with that posting.. your contradicting yourself in your post a bit i think..

You say that your low self esteem got in the way of you keeping someone in the past??
Well that posting your disagreeing with is saying that you should basically be happy with yourself before you can be with someone ? so what dont you disagree with it? Clearly if your self esteem is low.. you are not happy.. so that prooves that that the posting you disagree with is right? you should be happy with you before you can be happy with someone and stay with them?

its true......

nevertheguy wrote: »

I disagree with this post in so many ways. I am a person who of late has begun to believe that we make our own destiny. Finding a partner is all about psychology, if it weren't "the game" would simply not work. Now, I'm like neverthegirl. I rarely get the girl I want, and the rare time that I have done in the past, I let my low self esteem create something that got in the way. What I realized recently is that it's all in my head. I am preventing myself from meeting someone. There is no other reason.
I do agree though that patience, confidence and happiness are part of turning things around.

LegacyUser

BEAT wrote: »

You are single now because your supposed to be, everything really does happen for a reason and it just isnt your time yet.
You will meet that someone special eventually, it does happen...it just never happens when you want it to and the more you think about it, dwell on it and bring yourself down about it the further away you et from it.

Sorry, I had had some wine when I posted the last night. It's the italicized passage above that I disagree with. People are single because they haven't found someone, or have just broken up with someone. The only reasons as to why things happen are either the ones we make ourselves, or the ones made by those we meet. I do however agree with the rest of BEAT's post.

LegacyUser

D'oh! I forgot that quotes always appear italicized.
neverthegirl, I know it's frustrating but you must keep up the effort. Most of my friends who are in relationships are there because they just kept trying. It took years for some and months for others. It's hard to give proper advice without knowing you and how you do things. But some things to consider are: Do you need to refine your game? Are you realistic about who you are attracted to i.e. are they someone who you could actually get? Are you looking in a wide enough area i.e. are you only chatting guys up in bars and clubs etc or are you a member of a group or club of some kind.
I'm sorry, to everyone, if I'm coming across as a dick. But a huge part of meeting someone really is all about psychology.

I hope everything works out for you soon neverthegirl.

LegacyUser

hey original never the girl here!

just want to say that i appreciate everyone's input and good wishes here, it really has made me feel a little less miserable and more normal than i had been feeling, although i do admit that a good few tears were spilt since the wkend...

Anyway i meet guys in a variety of settings-mainly nightclubs and gigs tho. I do realise that this is the hardest way to meet someone, drink involved etc and that it isnt the best basis to start something from. However it seems this is the only way i CAN meet guys as anyone i have met or liked from a different setting (college class, social groups, friends of friends etc) have absolutely no interest in me whatsoever.

It isnt so much the rejection that gets me down these days, (a small part of me is actually proud that i can still put myself out there and try to get what i want...a bigger part of me thinks im a big stuipd fool tho) but its the complete lack of interest from men (both men i know and those i meet out) that proves to me that i am unattractive and just friend material.
I am envious of my lovely friends who have men just fall flat on their faces for and i am getting fed up of my male friends asking me for advice on how to declare their love for my female friends!I may just get the phrase "not up to competition standard" stamped on my forehead!!

I dont think i am aiming out of my league or anything and i dont just stick to a certain type or anything, i just go for men that can make me laugh and that i get on well with. Im not a superficial bitch or anything like that.

sorry if im rambling. i hope things work out for the rest of you neverthegirls/guys as well, your input and advice is so thoughtful and you all deserve to be with someone who appreciates you as much as you do them!

LegacyUser

Sorry nevertheguy... i didnt mean to get at you in those last posting.. yes i was neverthegirl3 and neverthegirl4... i hadnt written the first posting then thought i wasnt done yet!
Nah you havent come across as a dick.. and the wine thing is perfectly acceptable haha.. god knows what ive put up here after a few!! fair play to you coming back on and commenting - you sound like a nice guy.. maybe you and neverthegirl should hook up haha.. joke.

Neverthegirl... trust me.. there are more of us like you out there then you can imagine!

Never think that it has got to do with who you are/what you look like.. as if you keep thinking like that you will put yourself in a bad place.. I was with a guy for 5 years it ended and i was in the exact same place... then met another guy.. was with him for a year and he completely treated me like crap.. so i know exactly how you feel.. now im nearly a year single.. ive taken the time for myself and im looking after me for a change and finding out who i am.. its strange though i always find when i am not looking people come along..

Keep the head up and dont miss out on what might be around the corner.. i tell myself that when i feel down about it!

nevertheguy wrote: »

D'oh! I forgot that quotes always appear italicized.
neverthegirl, I know it's frustrating but you must keep up the effort. Most of my friends who are in relationships are there because they just kept trying. It took years for some and months for others. It's hard to give proper advice without knowing you and how you do things. But some things to consider are: Do you need to refine your game? Are you realistic about who you are attracted to i.e. are they someone who you could actually get? Are you looking in a wide enough area i.e. are you only chatting guys up in bars and clubs etc or are you a member of a group or club of some kind.
I'm sorry, to everyone, if I'm coming across as a dick. But a huge part of meeting someone really is all about psychology.

I hope everything works out for you soon neverthegirl.

LegacyUser

Christ, there must be millions of us out there! Maybe we should have our own forum???!

Just to the original neverthegirl - I can identify hugely with absolutely everything you say. The difference being, I don't have the self confidence to put myself out there and express interest in guys - so I have huge admiration for you for being able to do that.

I'm 25 and in my circle of friends / work colleagues who would all be in the same age bracket, people are all gradually pairing off. And the single ladies, for the most part, seem to go out and get a load of attention from men; most of them permanently have some sort of fling or other on the go and an orbit of male admirers. I seem to be the 'agony aunt' of sorts who's constantly having to advise on what they should say in that text, or where they should meet on their first date; what it means that he hasn't texted back yet...(hell, what do I know!!!) None of them would be streets ahead of me in the looks department, but then, what do I know - I'm the one who's lovel ife seems to be permanently dead in the water!

It does get weary. It gets lonely. You can feel rejected. I can feel rejected without even having put myself out there, so I can imagine what you are feeling. It can nearly be a little...de-feminising, sometimes (did I just make up a word??) I love my hair and makeup and clothes and I feel very womanly, but when you're not garnering the male appreciation that your female friends seem to attract so effortlessly, it can really get you down. To look at, I'm not a hideous Cyclops or monstrosity of a being and I'm pretty sure you're not either! But it can make you doubt your appearance nonetheless.

I think Beat is right in a lot of what she posted and I took comfort in that post. Tough as it may be, maybe it's time we took the pressure off ourselves for a while and concentrated on making ourselves happy. Truth be told, I don't think I'm entirely happy with myself or my life right now and I do have self-esteem issues that aren't doing me any favours. I've recently been making more of a concerted effort to do the things that make me happy - gym, books, writing, trips home to Galway etc...and it's something that I think will pay off in the long run. I think you have to learn to enjoy your own company and enjoy being single - be your own friend, first and foremost, before you can learn to be in a relationship.

I mean, just for example, (and I'm positive it won't be the case!) but what are you going to do if you end up being single for the next 20 years? Lead a miserable existence, pining for something you don't have and half-living as a result? What a waste of a life! Excuse the Oprah-ism, but I think YOU have to be enough for you, before things start to happen.

Anyway, chin up, you're a catch! You're not going to be left on the shelf. You just need to start putting yourself first for a while.