Dad is an idiot but does he deserve my attention.

LegacyUser

Hi all, Regular poster, but gone all mysterious for this one.

Not usually one to seek advice, but been struggling with this one for a few years now and would appreciate any input.

My parents seperated when I was 5. My Dad initially stayed local and we would see him weekends etc. but he moved to Germany when I was about 10. We still saw him a few times a year and we spent a few weeks in Germany when I was 10 & 11.

He moved home a few years later with his now wife and lives with her and our half sister. In my family I have some siblings in their 30's and there are a few of us in our early 20's and as we got older we were told some of the back story of the seperation, nothing traumatic and it was always clear the seperation was for the best. Although some of my older sisters would not speak to my Dad most of us still had some kind of relationship with him.

About 3 years ago the divorce of him and my Mam was coming to a close and the house was the main point of conflict. My Dad refused to sign it over fully despite not living their for over 20 years. Anyway as everything does it came down to money and basically in court he pushed for as much as he possibly could. Way more than my Mam could ever have without selling the family home. It was made clear that the only way we could get him the money was for some of my siblings in a more fortunate position would get large loans to be paid back if and when the house was sold.

So my Dad took the money losing in the process all contact with all but 1 of his kids. Including myself. One of my sisters maintains contact and doesn't try and justify it, just see's him as her Dad and her childrens Grandad for better for worse. I would love to have some form of relationship with him, as up to that point we were going to the pub for the odd drink and played Pitch and Putt with my lil bro and nephew, but whenever I think of contacting him again I just think of how he could take that money from his own kids knowing he would lose them if he did.

Also I recently found out he went on a big holiday, not with his daughter and wife but with some blow in of a friend he knows from the local. Thinking of him spending that money in such a selfish way just makes me more infuriated.

To make it clear, I do not think he is a bad person. Mainly a selfish idiot who probably justified these decisions to himself somehow. Do I at least owe it to him to hear his side of the story?

It's always pretty upsetting, especially as we share the same birthday and every year on that day I always think about it. He did try to contact me a few times at first and I had told him I would meet up with him but it never happened and knowing him he won't try again for fear of being told to fcuk off.

So if you managed to read that tyrade what would you do? Is your Dad your Dad for better or worse or does your Dad really deserve your love just for being your Dad?

Sleepy

Just to play devil's advocate this could be looked at in a different light:

He didn't live in the house for over 20 years despite being separated from your mother (and presumably wasn't charging her rent) so from his point of view he was doing right by his children by providing them with a stable home and once ye were all fully grown he didn't feel any responsibility towards supporting his ex-wife / your mother's lifestyle.

Not knowing all the details, that seems fairly reasonable to me. Bare in mind that you seem to have only heard your mother's version of events as to why they separated and in that case there's three versions: hers, his and the facts.

kmick

Its really your choice. It seems you want him in your life so you could forget about how much of dick he is and try and maybe get to know him. On the other hand if you never saw him again and that did not bother you why not stick to the people who you love and trust.

Really you have to make the decision for yourself.

LegacyUser

I do agree he was entiltled to something from the house, but he took more than the house would have been worth when he moved out. He has a house with his wife and is financially secure. I know you have to adjust for the time. As for the rent thing, you could easily deduct that in lack of child maintenence, but that's between my Mam and Dad and I'm not overly concerned about that. But it's not that he got money but that he took it from his own kids forgoing, essentially selling his relationship with them.

I have heard both sides of the story, as I said I had a relationship with him into my 20's, and yes of course I get a bias side from my Mam and siblings and indeed from him, I do not blame him for the seperation or any other issues. They had their problems like any married couple and seperated, for the best imo, and that has nothing to do with this now.

I guess unlike my sis who can leave all the issues aside and get on with him I find it very hard to leave that to the side.

I would like to think that if I were in his position I wouldn't/couldn't take that substantial amount of money from my own kids, but unfortunately divorces are ugly, in fact anything with large amounts of money and family are usually ugly.

Midnight Sundance

Did he pay maintenance while ye were growing up? If he didn't,could ye then hit him with that bill and see what he'd like to do then..