Wife and Work Colleague

LegacyUser

Hello everybody. I'm going unreg here, for obvious reasons. Kinda long post but please take time to read it.

I've been married for 15 years and we have two children. Our sex life has never been fantastic. Even in the early days, my wife didn't have a huge sex drive and things haven't got much better as time went by. About ten years ago, she was diagnosed with depression. She takes medication daily and no one else knows about this, such is the normal front we present to the world at large.

Her going on medication was a great success for us all as she became a much calmer and more rational person afterwards. Our sex life improved a little initially but sliped back again gradually. She's always felt guilty about this and a side effect of her medication is a further reduction in her sex drive.

About 2 years ago, she had an emotional affair. She was texting this guy who she'd texted initially by accident (wrong number) and it started from there. It was a classic one. She changed her attitude towards me. Everything I did and said was wrong and she had no real time for me. I opened a text message that she received one afternoon while she was in the shower and all hell broke loose over the next few days. There were the initial denials etc. and the gradual full emergence of the truth. She never met him (I know this for certain) though he did ask to meet her. I'm presuming that they would have met up with each other in time and who knows after that. I sent him a nasty text on her phone and told him I never wanted to hear about him again and told him to get lost. Probably not a smart move on my part and one that upset my wife greatly. She wanted to be able to be the one to tell him and finish with him.

She said that she'd never sought an emotional affair but that she'd felt unappreciated etc. by me (fair comment) and that he was interestd in her, just for her. She said that she finished it all up but, with trust damaged majorly, I've always wondered if she hasn't another phone in her office at work which she continues to text him from.

Bit by bit, it became less of an issue for me but I've spent a lot of time lately on online forums, reading about emotional affairs, the damage caused by them etc. and, to be honest, that brought back a lot of my negative thoughts and feelings about the whole affair and probably, in hindsight, was a mistake for me to do so.

Over the last few weeks I've cut myself off emotionally from my wife. I blame some of this on what I've outlined here, but it's only part of the reason.

The other part of the story is the feelings I have for a work colleague. We're about the same age (mid forties), she's married with two kids also and is the very sensible one in our office. We've always been close (working together for ten years) and I flirt a lot with her. She flirts with me also but it's a little more from my side. On work nights out, we usually sit near each other and enjoy each others company etc. To complicate matters slightly, I'm friendly with her husband and go to football matches with him a few times every year.

I've always had feelings towards her but, over the past year or so, I've started to wonder if I'm in love with her. I think I am. My feelings for her have been quite intense over the last few months. And I'm not sure that it's a sexual thing only. I love spending time with her and sometimes I just want to reach out and hold her hand. (And yes, I think I'd like to have sex with her but my feelings run much deeper than that). I've never felt like this about anyone before, including my wife. Never!

I never set out wanting to feel the way I do. At times, I'm ashamed of how I feel about my wife and my work colleague.

My wife is quite upset at my shutting her out and has asked for an explanation. I've told her that I don't want to talk about it. This has made things worse and she's concerned because I won't open up to her. She even asked me if I thought that she's been having an affair of some kind. I said I didn't but that I wasn't sure if I'd ever properly come to terms with or dealt with her emotional affair. She seemed to back off in the days after I said that to her.

I know that there is no future for my colleague and myself but deep down I know that I'm hoping against hope that we'll have some kind of a fling at some stage., in a way And I know that by having such thoughts, that I've already cheated on my wife, in a way.

But after that, my thoughts are clouded in fantasy, embarrassment and confusion. I feel foolish at times but my feelings outweigh everything. Sometimes I think that if she felt the same way, I'd like us to be ****buddies. And yes I know there are risks and potential fallout but, at the moment, I think it's a chance I'd take.

I really could do with a bit of advice...... I don't want judgement or high moral ground stuff. I just feel terrible at the moment and need a shoulder to cry on.

Thanks.

6th

Eveerythign else aside you must know its a bad idea to want to be f**kbuddies with someone you have feelings for, right?

Peggypeg

Hey OP,

If you can, read over your post as if it's a stranger writing it. What would your advice be?

Mine is; first of all get that homewrecking daydream out of your head and cop on, why would you want to ruin 2 marraiges instead of 1? If you are that unhappy you need to leave your wife, then you need to get into councelling to deal with all the stuff you obviously haven't dealt with. I can understand that you are feeling hurt but hurting other people is never the answer to anything. To be honest I think you have your head in the clouds if you think 2 married workmates can be f*ckbuddies and not get completely destroyed in the meantime. Also I'd say she'd be pretty offended if you suggested that to her, for all you know she's madly in love with her husband. I think you need a good wake up call before you ruin your marraige, your wife's wellbeing and someone else's family. Get yourself into councelling and talk all that stuff out instead of going down the path of self destruction.

Best of luck.

LegacyUser

hello,
I agree with the above, don't wreck 2 marriages, or 4 lives for this fantasy.

I think what you're going through is tough however, but it's a result of your poor relationship with your wife
I think marriage counselling might help. that's if you want your marriage to work. I'm in counselling, not married etc. I'm learning a lot about myself that I didn't know and I'm hopeful/confident that it will make me a better person and make entering a relatioship a lot more positive for all concerned. There are lots of people around who could do with a stint of therapy. it's no big deal.
Good luck.

omahaid

Hi OP,

It seems that you know that having a ****buddy is a bad idea so no need to address that.

I too would be devastated if my wife did such a cruel thing. I can only advise deciding on whether you want to make a go of your marriage or not. If you do then marriage counseling would seem to be the right way to go.

Miller Boy

Hi OP. Sounds like things are a little messed up in your head at the moment. It's possible that they way you feel stems, at least, from the lack of sexual contact in your marriage. I think you realise that the f**kbuddy possibility with her isn't a runner really. Not a good idea if there's an emotional attachment, even with only one of you. I'd imagine that it might be difficult to finish it and working together afterwards might be a huge problem.

Have you thought about having someone else as a f**kbuddy? Or is she the only one you want to be with? I'm wondering if a lot of this is a result of sexual frustration. I haven't a clue how you might go about finding someone else but maybe others could advise, if they agree with what I'm saying.

I understand how you know this is wrong and that it's making you feel foolish. Maybe counselling is the way to go. But telling your wife how you feel about your colleague could be disasterous for your marriage so I think you should have counselling on your own first and take it from there.

You seem like a decent person whose feelings are all over the place at the moment. I hope things work out for you.

LegacyUser

OP here. Thank you all for your replies and for not jumping down my throat with moral advice etc. I appreciate your thoughts.

My relationship with my colleague has affected me for a long time. I brood, obsess, daydream etc. and it really drags me down sometimes. affecting my work, mood etc. Leaving my wife is not an option at all, for reasons I cannot discuss here. And I wouldn't do that to her anyway. It's just that my colleague, to me, is the perfect woman, and sometimes I think it would be enough for me to know that she felt something for me also. I sound pathetic, don't I? It just seems to overwhelm me at times. A few of my other colleagues have hinted that there's a spark between us and that in itself only fans the flames for me.

I've thought about counselling for a while now. This will probably sound kinda stupid but how exactly does it work? More importlantly, how would I get an end result? And what's the difference between counselling and pstchotherapy? And most importantly, can I be absolutely guaranteed that everything will remain confidential? I know about codes of ethics etc., but this is Ireland, after all and everybody seems to know somebody who knows somebody. I'd be horrified if anyone knew!

I really want to hear what people here think. Thank you so much.

Peggypeg

feelsobad wrote: »

OP here. Thank you all for your replies and for not jumping down my throat with moral advice etc. I appreciate your thoughts.

My relationship with my colleague has affected me for a long time. I brood, obsess, daydream etc. and it really drags me down sometimes. affecting my work, mood etc. Leaving my wife is not an option at all, for reasons I cannot discuss here. And I wouldn't do that to her anyway. It's just that my colleague, to me, is the perfect woman, and sometimes I think it would be enough for me to know that she felt something for me also. I sound pathetic, don't I? It just seems to overwhelm me at times. A few of my other colleagues have hinted that there's a spark between us and that in itself only fans the flames for me.

I've thought about counselling for a while now. This will probably sound kinda stupid but how exactly does it work? More importlantly, how would I get an end result? And what's the difference between counselling and pstchotherapy? And most importantly, can I be absolutely guaranteed that everything will remain confidential? I know about codes of ethics etc., but this is Ireland, after all and everybody seems to know somebody who knows somebody. I'd be horrified if anyone knew!

I really want to hear what people here think. Thank you so much.

Hey OP,

You say you wouldn't leave your wife, that you wouldn't do that to her, yet by your own admission you want to become f*ckbuddies with your colleague, sorry to state the f*cking obvious but cheating on someone is WAY worse than leaving them. She'd get over you leaving but cheating, that's just poison. It doesn't matter if you haven't had sex in 50 years it's never ok to cheat, if you're unhappy then leave the relationship don't use pathetic excuses to cheat. I can understand that your head is all over the place but to me it looks like you're just looking for someone to say "oh, it's ok to cheat coz she cheated emotionally", well no one here is going to tell you that, unless they're a 16 year old idiot. Why are you looking for marraige advice on www.boards.ie, I get the irony but come on, are you not worried that you might be getting marraige advice from a vindictive 12 year old? Get yourself into councelling before you ruin your marraige, your colleauges marraige and both of your families lives.

I've gone to 3 different councellors in the last 10 years, I don't have big evil demons or anything but I suffered with stress at one point and now if I'm feeling weighed down by something I go see one, they're awesome. They are completely confidential, if not they get struck off and why would anyone be interested in what you're saying in councelling anyway? When you're there they talk about whatever has been on your mind and they help you to see things in a logical way, how to figure out what you want and also stuff like how to communicate your thoughts/feelings properly.

Honestly OP, I really just feel like shaking you and screaming "wake up idiot". These issues are yours to deal with, if you deal with them then you have my respect and you'll have your own respect too. If you go down the cheating road you will completely ruin lives in the most pathetic and selfish way possible. Please don't do it coz you won't be able to look yourself in the eye if you do.

Go get some councelling.