was this sexually abuse?

willin

I am a 19 year old male! I suppose my problems first started when I was arould 12.
My brother who was 10 years older than me touched my Pen*s and butt! He also forced me to touch his and he uset apnk my butt. This happened about 10 times. He told me that Iliked this and relly enjoyed it! I said that I was going to tell so he kicked me and beat me! He said that nobody would believe me and that I was gay and that I enjoed it. I tried to forget about this. When I was about 14 I started to relise that I might be gay! I am sexually attracted to men and I hate it! I feel dirty because of it! I have never kissed anybody in my life. I don't want to be gay! Did my brother make me this way? I hate who I am.
My life now is really dull I can't stop thinking of what happened! I find rhat I am staying in bed until late in the day and going to bed really late. I find the only time I am happy is when I'm eating. I find that all I do istimes I eat and go online. At night time I find I often drink. I often feel like crying! I am so sick of my life. I am after isolating myself from my friend!!
Was I sexually abused? Did it make me gay? Thanks for any advice given!

Nevyn

I suggest you get in touch with the rape crises network, they help surivours of rape and sexual abuse both male and female.


http://www.rcni.ie/male-survivors.aspx

Male survivors often feel alone because there is little talk or understanding of the sexual abuse of boys and, particularly, of the sexual assault of adult men.

Those who sexually abuse boys or men are generally male, but can also be female. All Rape Crisis Centres support orand offer counselling to male survivors or refer them to the appropriate local service. In many Rape Crisis Centres, male counsellors are available for face-to-face counselling if this is what you would prefer. Find a RCC.

National 24 hour help line 1800 77 88 88

Sexual confusion
When you were sexually abused, you may have felt aroused. This is a normal physical response to attention or affection, even when it happens in the context of abuse. This may lead to a lot of confusion for you about your own sexual identity or sexual orientation. Abusers often manipulate feelings of doubt or shame, leading to confusion around sexual orientation. Any anxiety you may feel around masculinity and sexuality may be increased by the stereotype that 'real men' don't get abused, especially if the sexual violence happened to you as an adult. Also, the desire for emotional fulfilment may have been met at some level in the abuse. Afterwards, sex may be seen as one way to satisfy that need for emotional fulfilment.