I have lost my whole family

LegacyUser

I have an issue which is making me very down. I would like to not get in to too much detail for fear of being recognised.

I came from a very small family: my mother, father, brother and myself.

My mother died early last year and it is approaching her 1st anniversary. No words I could ever write could explain the pain and loss I feel right now and I am nowhere near coming to terms with it. I doubt I ever will. I think a part of me died when she did.

So now I have my father and brother left.

My father: I love him with all my heart. I would do anything for him and he would do anything for me. I am now so terrified of losing him and worry that he will die too. He is quite old, 65. I have since moved away and every day dread getting a call telling me that he has passed away too. I know realistically he is in good health and fit and healthy but I cant stop worrying. Is this normal after you lose 1 parent?

All of this is difficult enough on its own but there is another main problem which I am finding it really difficult to deal with. My brother. He has completely disowned me for leaving Ireland and felt that I should have stayed to support him and my dad. I did leave very soon after my mam died, 2 and a half months after, but I did what I needed to do for myself. I could not live at home anymore I just found it too hard. Every time I walked through the front door I would walk past her bedroom and she would not be there anymore. (She spent alot of time in there before she died). Also every single thing in the house just seemed empty - her chair in the sitting room, at the dining table etc. So I left.

In hindsight, may be it was a terrible thing to do. To leave my family and not be there to support them. My dad is so supportive that I am travelling and thinks its great for me. It has not made the loss of my mother any easier though, but I do think it has been good for me. My brother, however has cut me from his life completely. I have tried so many times to get in contact and he just gives me abuse, or worse - silence. I have reached a point where there is so many times where I can reach out but it just hurts me when I hear nothing back so maybe I will stop trying to get in touch.

I am also thinking about coming home early (from my year away), as I miss them both so much and to try reconnect with my brother. I am his little sister though and I do feel he should be here for me and he is just making this all so much harder.

If anyone has any advice whatsoever it would be hugely appreciated.

metrovelvet

After you lose a parent, your greatest fear is losing the other one. Your grief is raw now but it will calm.

You probably needed to get away from your family but you see your mother dying is an abandonment, so your brother probably felt doubly abandoned when you left.

mood

I have never been through this so I can't really comment sorry.

However, 65 is not OLD. A lot of people live well into their 70s and 80s with health problems. Considering you father is fit and healthy there is no reason to think he might die soon.

Does your brother live with your father? Maybe he expected you to take on the role of your mother cooking, cleaning etc. Maybe you should e-mail him and explain why you left etc.

Babooshka

private15554 wrote: »

If anyone has any advice whatsoever it would be hugely appreciated.

Hi there

I am so sorry for your loss first out, I know how it feels to lose a parent so I understand the fear of losing the other one, it really unhinges you.

So you are feeling guilty for travelling abroad. But what happened is not your fault at all, not one bit. And, you're saying that travel is doing you good. What good would you be to your brother or anyone if you were sitting at home depressed off your head? none, nada. It sounds like your brother is angry, and it's most likely anger due to the death of your Mam but it sounds like he's using you to vent it out a bit. Sorry I don't know I'm not a prefessional or a psychologist, I can only say how it sounds to me. I am guessing he is finding it hard too and misses you very much. That's not your fault either - it's just a fact, perhaps. You are also younger than him, you sound as though you're trying to be responsible for all, you're the youngest...chill a little take it easy on you here.

So...if I was you, I would send my brother a letter if I had been close to him before. I would not be too heavy or long winded, but I would definitely say that I missed him and that I felt that he was not opening up to me, and ask him if he blamed me for leaving when I did, how much I think about him, how much I want to bond with him again since Mam passed away, and how much I need him in my life but had to get some space before the grief overwhelmed me. That's what I would do if I felt how you did. I don't know if that helps at all. It never goes away, but it does get easier as time goes on. Give it all some time. I'm glad you feel the travel is doing you some good. Good luck - by the way, 65 is young enough, if your dad's in good nick he could live another 30 years B

LegacyUser

Hi Op, having lost both my parents, I can tell you that how you are feeling about your dad at the moment is VERY normal. My biggest fear when my dad died, was that my mum would die immediately after. She died many years later, but that fear stayed with me after dad died, for a good while.

We get very angry when someone dies. I imagine your brother is very angry. And I also imagine he is taking his anger out on you.

My whole family split up after my dad died. We were all so angry at him leaving us. There were many, many arguments and sometimes I thought we'd never be the same again. But we were.

Grief takes as long as it takes. There is no timeframe to get over the death of someone (a parent in your case), and we all react differently.

You did what was right for you at the time. Your brother is probably still angry at you. Think about how you would feel if you came back early??? Would you regret that forever? I'm not sure what part of the world you are in, but if you came back early, would you ever get the opportunity to go there again??
Mail him. Write to him. Skype him. You can still communicate to him without coming home.
Do come home if you feel, in your gut, that it's the right thing for YOU. But don't do it if you will regret it forever, and resent your brother because of it.

beks101

OP, you poor pet. I'm so sorry for what you're going through. It really broke my heart to read that because I honestly don't know how I would cope in the same situation.

But, you haven't lost your family. Your father is still there for you; your brother is still there for you - he is just hurting unbelievably, the same way you are, and this is his way of coping with it.

It's probably easier to have an outlet to express anger, rather than deal with the raw and unending grief that the loss of a parent presents.

I can't offer any advice as I have not been through anything similar, but all I can say is, keep up contact with your brother, even if it is permanently met with silence/conflict.

Communicate, communicate, communicate. Eventually he will begin to accept the fact that you are living abroad, and it will make it a lot easier on him if you show him that it does not mean he is going to lose you too.

Wishing you strength OP. I have you in my thoughts xx

LegacyUser

Hi OP.

My mam died last year too, will be her 1st anniversary soon, don't really think about it much. My dad is not too bad health wise, he is over weight and has always had high blood pressure, so I do worry that he probably will get cancer too, or diabetes, or a heart attack, or fall asleep driving (he has sleep apnea). But there's only so much you can worry about people that are healthy. I also expect to get a phonecall all the time telling me something has happened.

My brother lives in dublin, and he's kinda taken things the way you have, avoiding being at home near everything, and while I have understood this from his point of view (i don't exactly enjoy visiting the house anymore) in a way for quite a while it did feel like he was being selfish. Myself and my sister (who is married with kids) made sure dad wasn't by himself for a long time, and took care of him as much as we could. I don't blame my brother exactly but at the same time he is the oldest of us all, and couldn't seem to pull himself together to help out at all. So I think my sister probably resented him for this (as is what sounds like what's happening with your brother) while our father probably worried about him being ok. I don't know that there's a lot you can do about your brother. In a way it's probably easier for him to be angry at you over not being around as if he wasn't he'd be angry at your mum, which he probably doesn't want to. And in a way i suspect he's probably a little jealous that you have a way of getting away from it (or at least it seems this way to him)

I know how getting away (I live away from home too, although not abroad) is something that is very appealing. You don't actually get away from the feelings, but it seems like it's the only way it could happen.

The way things have turned out i've recently secretly figured out my dad has signed up to a dating site (which in ways has devastated me) and so I've kinda become more settled with not being around more, since he's obviously ok in ways.

Ive never got on great with basically any of my family, and still dont. I don't expect much from them, but I do feel that I couldn't move abroad as I would never get to see my nephews. I hate the thought of that. But I know at some point I have to put myself first in terms of my life.

The only advise I can think to give is to take care of your family as much as you can, which doesn't always mean you have to be physically there. Do your best to take care care of them while making sure to take care of yourself.

LegacyUser

OP, I am sorry for your loss - that of your Mam and for how bereft you feel since then.

Losing a parent can be a very traumatic event for any child, no matter at what age. Since it happened to me, it has been said to me that particularly losing the mother of the family can often lead to the loosening of family ties. In many families, it is the mother who is the epicentre of the family group. When she is gone, it can seem like the beating heart is missing. Sadly, without her unifying presence some family members can drift away. The truth is, nothing is ever the same again.

OP, you and your family are all trying to deal with the loss of your Mam. Grief takes many forms and takes as long as it takes for each person. I hope all of you can reach a point where you can comfort and support each other through this difficult time of adjustment for you all.