I'm worried I'll lose my best friend but I don't know how to fix it :(

LegacyUser

I'll give ye a bit of background on this first and maybe someone can give me some advice.

This girl is one of my best friends, we've both been through alot in our lives with your families and have really similar background with regards to alcoholic parents. She's had it really tough though, her exes were abusive and one injured her so badly she needed plastic surgery, so on top of her family she hasn't had it easy. I really admire her because she's always so upbeat and never lets things get her down. She had a high paid job for years but now is on the dole and struggling to make ends meet with a mortgage - and is even taking that on the chin. I love the girl to bits, I'll always be there for her and I know shes' always be there for me, she's one of those people you feel you could trust with your life.

I set her up with another friend of mine 4 months ago and they're still together now. They've had a few fall outs and it's been tough being in the middle but I've done my best to help both of them and at the moment they seem pretty happy. Last weekend, we arranged drinks at hers; I've been seeing a guy for the past 2 months and neither her nor her boyf had met him so we thought it'd be nice to have a night in together. It was a really big deal to me because it was the first time he met any of my friends properly, and also because I really am mad about this guy - I really wanted them to get on.

In the end, her boyf couldn't make it, but we were all getting on grand, chatting away and having a few drinks. She went through the drink pretty quickly and finished off a bottle of wine - the only thing is that she can't really hold her drink if I'm honest. But things were going ok, until we were having a bit of a banter over something silly when she just snapped and started yelling at me. She started saying I was ungrateful and didn't appreciate anyone and that she'd bent over backwards for me, she then went on to say I always had to be right and needed to grow up and that I was a selfish person and extremely immature. Then she went on to tell my boyf details of my past relationship(wasn't even a relationship).

I was in shock to be honest, we've never ever fallen out before. I'm ashamed to say it but I was just sitting there crying and my boyf was sitting with his arm around me while she just yelled at me, I couldn't get a word in edgeways, it was horrible - I really felt like ****. I was terrified that he'd just up and leave, this was the first time he met one of my friends properly and look what happens! But he was so good, he tried to calm her down and he stayed hugging me all night. In the end she came in and threw the air mattress at us (without the proper pump) and went to her room, so he had to sleep on the floor on a deflated sleeping bag with no pillow

In the morning she came into me and told me how sorry she was, she said she didn't sleep all night thinking about it. See something happened her years ago and I'm the only one who knows, but what I didn't know was that it happened on Valentines Day. She said that that was why she was so pent up all weekend and that she took it out on me cause she's closest to me. She said she didn't mean anything she said. I tried to understand and I told her it was ok and we all sat chatting in the morning and her and my boyf got on great - he was great, he didn't bring it up at all.

I talked to him about it after and he said from what he could see it was all her and I had no reason to feel bad. I explained to him about my ex and he said it happened before I met him and I'd no need to explain myself at all. I felt I had to explain it though as she completely twisted the truth when she was shouting at me about it. I honestly don't know why she even brought it up, it had nothing to do with her and never affected her at the time.

But still I felt sick all of Sat, I was convinced he would be really freaked out by it all. I just feel so hurt that she did that, she knows how important he is to me - he's the best thing that's happened to me in a long time, and she could have messed it all up... It's the drink, she doesn't know her limits and she's not aware that she doesn't. She gets really defensive if I ever even suggest she's drunk so I just don't know what to do.

I told her it was ok cause I know she feels terrible, but the thing is that it's not, I really do feel so hurt about it and I don't know how to get past it. I haven't spoken to her since Sat and I feel terrible as I know she feels awful about it - but I just can't trust her anymore I know she's going through alot and I want to be there for her, but the last time someone verbally attacked me like that was one horrible occasion when I was a kid - I felt so let down and I just can't get that feeling of hurt to go away.

I know she's in alot of pain right now and is really mixed up, and I feel terrible - I feel like I'm making this all about me But I just don't think I can keep pretending it's ok, and I don't want to hurt her by saying it's not.

nonsmoker

If you are really best friends then you should be able to tell her that you are very hurt about it - be honest with her, no point saying its ok when its really not, you will just end up resenting her

redfacedbear

I agree that you should be able to express to a good friend how hurt you are by their unacceptable actions - although choosing the right time to do it is important.

Given your shared history of alcoholic parents and the fact that this isn't the first time you've had an issue with her drinking this might be the best opportunity for you to confront her on what seems to be a problem for her too.

Give it a few days to let the air clear and then meet her (just the two of you and somewhere without alcohol involved). Outline your concerns about her drinking and the effect it has on her - empathise regarding her underlying issues but make it clear that the behaviour cannot happen again - I'd be suggesting professional help if the past is still affecting her so much. Make it clear how hurt you are.

Where you go from there would depend on how she responds.

The next few times you socialise with her leave yourself an exit strategy - I presume you stayed and took her abuse because you had no way of leaving? Make sure that if there is a repeat you can walk away without engaging.

LegacyUser

I had a similar problem with a friend.

Like yours, my friend verbally attacked me one night in a very vicious way, and as much as I like the girl, this lead me to two possible conclusions:

Either this girl has major underlying issues with YOU - note, not with her parents: with YOU - or she is a nasty drunk.

You don't have to accept verbal attacks from anyone no matter how badly their parents treated them.

So, have a chat with her, even if she squirms, and ask her what her issues are with you? (Jealousy?)

Presumably she will say there are none. So that means she must be a nasty drunk. In which case, tell her that you don't ever want to be around her when she's drinking again.

You may relax this rule at a later date, but don't tell her that. I'd also advise taking a few weeks 'break' from each other, as close contact at a time like this could lead to dishonest words or actions between the two of you (e.g pretending everything is fine when its not) which could lead to more resentment.

I know this all sounds harsh but this really is for her own good. My mate had a very good look at her drinking after the incident and is now almost teetotal - but at the time she appeared like she would gladly have put it down to 'a bad night'. We're good friends now, but there will always be a tiny doubt in my mind.

Remembers nobody's bad background is your problem. Friendship is a fragile thing and you shouldn't take abuse from anyone, least of all a friend.

LegacyUser

Thanks a million for the replies guys.

She's going back to her counsellor next week so hopefully that will help her. I'm just going to keep my distance for a wee while, I don't want her to have the added stress of thinking I'm annoyed at her - but at the same time I just don't think I can pretend it's ok.