I am a mean and selfish person

LegacyUser

I am at a happy stage in my life. I am 28, getting married in the summer and we have planned to have kids soon. We are both working in relatively good jobs, 1 is very safe the other is safe enough (ie one is public and one is private).

My fiance (and I hope nobody recognises this - I have changed some non crucial info) is 27. She has 5 siblings, one of which is the youngest Tom, aged 15. Their mom died some 4 years ago. Tom was living with an aunt and uncle near the family home because their recovering alcoholic father (recovering since 10 years) wasn't a suitable option at the time. So things with the Aunt and Uncle were going well enough (or so we thought) for the last 4 years. Now Tom has moved out to live with his dad (whom he was staying with on weekends). He moved because the Aunt and Uncle are fanatically religious. Too religious for anyones liking really.

Tom is now in 4th year and my fiance is really worried about his future. He is a nice enough boy, but I don't really spend time with him as we've no common interests really. So with only about 2 weeks living with his dad things are awful. His dad is such a douchebag. I think his dad is out of work or something along those lines living in a council house. Anyway, Tom rings my fiance/his sister whenever he knows that she is off and asks to hang out. I would urge my fiance not to bring him to our house, but instead to get him out playing with his own age group. Problem is that his friends are about 5 miles away and his dad won't even bring him. In fact his dad won't even urge him to do any activity or any study.

We can both predict the outcome of this. Tom will not do well at school and will not get a good enough education to help himself in life.

So here is the crux. My fiance wants us to take in Tom. This infuriates me, I want our own space. We really are happily in love, but this issue is tearing us apart. Personally I don't want anyone else to stay in our house for an extended period of time. The issue here is me and I'm under no illusions. But I am as mad as hell that things got to this stage.

What to do?

Cheap Thrills!

Hm, can you explain what it is about the Dad that is such a 'douchebag' ....is it because he won't bring Tom to see his friends? Can't the boy go there on his own...he is 15...

I admit I wouldn't want to be landed with my other halfs teenage stray either and yes it is selfish, I know, but I can see where you are coming from.

I know the other lot were overly religious and that is sh1t for the kid but beggars can't be choosers eh. I endured a religious upbringing but just wouldn't have any of it and stuck to my guns until they could see I wouldn't be broken.

Then on the other hand if you are planning to have kids soon, you may forget the two of you just being alone in a romantic daydream anyway, in for a penny in for a pound?

gimme5minutes

Well I'd be the same as you. I am living with my gf at the moment and I would not be up for living with any of her family members. I'm 28 too and I appreciate having my own space, I've done enough sharing with other people down the years. And I would prefer the first kid in our house to be our own not some 15 year old teenager. The dynamic would be completely different in the house if there was another person living with us, let alone if it was my gf's brother. I'd have no problem with someone staying for a couple of weeks or maybe even 2 months if they were stuck and needed a place to crash til they get themselves sorted but I would have them under no illusions that at the end of that period they would have to be gone.

It's even worse in your case as this Tom kid is 15, so your house will basically be his home from now on, he could be living there for the next 10 years if you take him in. And you are already stressed about this situation, if you take him in you will resent him and your gf for putting you in a situation you are not happy with and that would not be good for your relationship.

Could he not go to some foster home or something? Failing that, what about going back to the auntie and uncle?

LegacyUser

Cheap Thrills! wrote: »

Hm, can you explain what it is about the Dad that is such a 'douchebag' ....is it because he won't bring Tom to see his friends? Can't the boy go there on his own...he is 15...

I admit I wouldn't want to be landed with my other halfs teenage stray either and yes it is selfish, I know, but I can see where you are coming from.

I know the other lot were overly religious and that is sh1t for the kid but beggars can't be choosers eh. I endured a religious upbringing but just wouldn't have any of it and stuck to my guns until they could see I wouldn't be broken.

Then on the other hand if you are planning to have kids soon, you may forget the two of you just being alone in a romantic daydream anyway, in for a penny in for a pound?

Stray?? He's a person, not a bloody dog what a disgusting statement. Sorry Op but I do think you're being selfish. You should support your OH in this and be proud of her for being such a selfless caring person and for wanting to look after her brother.

Lillylilly

You need to look at this from your fiance's point of view.. she clearly loves her brother and feels that living with you both will provide a lot of stability and posivity to his life. If he stays living with his father in an environment where he is not cared for or encouraged, his life may take a turn for the worst. Teenagers need to be supported and encouraged, and if this is not happening at home, he may end up out of school/ in with the wrong crowd/ drug or alcohol misuse/ criminal behaviours etc.

Imagine what would happen if your fiance had to live with this, feeling like she could have helped him or prevented this from happening? How would you feel about you asking her to turn her back on her brother (a child, albiet, 15 years old)?

Before you completely disregard the possibility of her brother moving in with you both, why not call a meeting with her siblings or any other significant family members. Try come up with an action plan to see if any of them can provide a suitable place for "Tom" to live. If there doesn't seem to be any other appropriate place for him to stay, you could try to get everyone to agree to chip in with respite, allowing "Tom" to stay with them at weekends or school holidays, plan activities during the week etc. If he moves in with you, this will ease the burden on you and your fiance and allow "Tom" to feel like he's loved and cared for. I'd imagine that he feels like noone cares or wants him right now.

I know it would be difficult to have someone invading your space with your fiance, but think of how much it would mean to her. Family is family, after all. If I was in her situation, I would resent my partner if he did not want my brother to live with us. You could even just agree to do it until he completes his Leaving Cert. This could be a huge support to him, and could help him have a better life.

Lillylilly

gimme5minutes wrote: »

Could he not go to some foster home or something?

This is not what should be recommended in this situation. I work with kids in care, and even if young people entering the care environment are stable with limited problems (whether it be foster or residential care) their behaviour deteriorates. There are very few foster placements available, and because of the stereotypes of teenagers, there are very few foster placements that would take in teens. This boy has family who love him, and they should be the first port of call- not relying on the state to use already limited resources to provide care for a child when there is no real need.

booksale

i know how you feel. i dont think you are selfish for having those feelings and thoughts.

um, is it positive that if the boy would behave better and perform better academically after moving to live with you guys?

maybe things would be the same as he is living with his dad? how bad is his dad to the boy??

um, on the other side, i think if you do take the boy, you will be glad that you do your gf such a big favour and help the boy. it would be something very significant in his life i guess. please make sure you are doing this with a happy heart. otherwise, the emotional burden on the boy would be the same.

sunshiner

you have to put yourself in your finances shows,what if it was your brother?
wouldnt you want to help?You could always try have him stay over at weekends,during week days go back to the aunts.Why dont you try and find something to bond with him,you may find you actually like him.Music,films,sports are always a good starting point. I think if this is the woman you plan to marry,then you better learn now about compromising. What do you plan to do when your own kids come along,you wont have your own space then!

booksale

also, maybe the boy wants to be with his dad rather than his sister and her bf...

i think it's too early to say yes or no.

can you do something first to help the boy to extend his healthy social life...

as you said, you did not spend much time with him.

a 15 and a 28 have so much differences, you cant expect that he would be your mate. he is rather a young fellow that need you and his sister's help. so, see what you can help and do for him before taking him in.

LegacyUser

First off; Foster care isn't an option that will be looked into. It isn't necessary.

Douchebag is my word for the dad; I call him that because he has never done anything to note for his kids. The stories I could tell you of the man he was wouldn't shock anyone, but they are pretty bad. They were a shock for me because I've never witnessed anything like it before. I won't go into details, but he is lazy and unsupportive.

By overly religious, these guys aren't your typical parental types that force kids to mass, they wouldn't push religion too hard, but they are to me in some sort of cult that follows the likes of guys that do the whole healing thing. Again I won't go into detail.

I am afraid by helping Tom that I will in essence be putting myself through misery. My G/F and I have a very full lifestyle. We are extremely active in every sense; my lifestyle will suffer immensely, I have worked hard to get here. I am afraid as gimme5minutes said that Tom could end up living with us for the next 10 years. I will be too old to enjoy life as much at that age with everything we do now.

In reply to LillyLilly's "I'd imagine that he feels like noone cares or wants him right now." I imagine that he feels this way sometimes. I am SO ANGRY with his father, I want to rip this machine off my desk and plant it in his skull. I wish there was someway I could get him to man up to his responsibilities.
Tom is loved by his other sisters, but they are busy with their own lives; 2 single moms and another who is still in college.

The difference between what we have compared to what the father has is so polar opposite. We literally have everything and they literally have nothing, I can see that he would be better off with us, but I really want my own family soon and don't want a third wheel. We are thinking that when he turns 16 that we could get him a motor cycle and give him his own independence. He could visit his own friends without relying on his dad. In my day I cycled everywhere!!!

We really wouldn't mind how things were going with the dad, but the study is going to hamper him and the rest of his life. With our wedding coming up we have additional expenses, but I would put it all off if we could deal with this and perhaps send him to boarding school. There I said it!

booksale, you are right in saying that its too early to say yes or no just yet, but I am under some pressure to say yes. I've been asked already and have refused to let it happen. Of course Tom doesn't know we are having these thoughts.

I am a very tough person but with the best of intentions, but I do draw the line at invading my space that I have built up. If the roles were reversed and both my parents were dead, would I take in my brother? I hate those questions, it wouldn't ever come to this. Not with my family. Tom's mother's wish was for him to stay with his aunt and uncle, but the whole religion thing got in the way. Tom has been bouncing from them to his dad, playing both sides, which is his right as a kid to get the easiest option.

Sunshiner; When I have my kids, they will be my kids and my family and it won't be my space, it will be "our space". But I don't know Tom, nor do I really have an interest in knowing him that much. I have brought him to internationals and some local GAA matches, but we really don't bond. Maybe he bonds to me, but I don't have time.

For now I will pursue any and all means to have him happy elsewhere!
I think first I will get my g/f to confront the dad and try to get him to make a better life for Tom; but I suspect that he will say stuff like, I'll let him do whatever he wants to do. Which is wrong because kids need a gentle push in the right direction rather than leave them to their own demise.
Failing that we will get the motorbike, insurance, tax and petrol money as well as internet access for study. This will give him independence, but may again hamper study?!?
Failing that I will re-examine the situation.

I think above is fair?

LegacyUser

Op, you're giving out about the father yet you don't want to help this boy, Pot, Kettle, Black.

Barracudaincork

selfish001 wrote: »

I think above is fair?

I dont think it is fair tbh, but i know i am the opposite to you and i would let a stray stay at my house, so having a brother in law stay is a no brainer (for 10 days or 10 years). I guess i dont feel my time here on earth is all about me, but its about who i deal with and how i deal with them (aswell as other things obviously), you as you have said are selfish, so it is all about you. As i said we are different.

You know who you are (ie selfish, which i have to say fair play to you for admitting it), you know you wont want this kid living with you. Imo there are two ways of dealing with this, one you take the kid in and give him a home or two blood will always end up thicker than water and your girlfriend will leave you so she can provide for her brother and herself. Of course you could do as you suggest, but i dont think you can buy off this problem with methods of transport etc (although good ideas), i think this kid will need more, he lost his Mum at the tender age of 11 and no one wants him since! Which is why i think at the end of the day, blood will be thicker than water and you may loose your partner over this. Leaving you with more space than you have now! Im not saying that will happen, but there is a possibility.

LegacyUser

selfish001 wrote: »

My G/F and I have a very full lifestyle. We are extremely active in every sense; my lifestyle will suffer immensely, I have worked hard to get here. I am afraid as gimme5minutes said that Tom could end up living with us for the next 10 years. I will be too old to enjoy life as much at that age with everything we do now.

We literally have everything and they literally have nothing, I can see that he would be better off with us, but I really want my own family soon and don't want a third wheel.

With our wedding coming up we have additional expenses.........

invading my space that I have built up. .

But I don't know Tom, nor do I really have an interest in knowing him that much.

I think above is fair?

Well done on leading a totally self satisfied life where you want for nothing and seem to have everything... everything that is but a heart.

It's an eye opener to see how little compassion one human being can show another - one who seems to be in need of help and one who is related to your fiance.

If I was your fiance I'd be questioning what type of "man" I was marrying.

paperclip2

First off OP, despite the selfishness you sound like you could be a good role model yourself. You know your own mind and you know the value of hard work etc. There is a lot that this young lad could learn from you that might put him on the right road.

His dad sounds like a lost cause tbh. Yes, Tom is his responsibility but if he has a history of not taking care of his kids its unlikely that this will change now.

Tom needs to feel valued and loved for himself. Be very careful of sending out other messages to him. Its at this age where kids are often looking for a sense of belonging and if its not coming from home then maybe it could come from dodgy company etc. In this case you could end up with your worst nightmare, i.e. years spent bailing him out of trouble, watching and paying for him to go in and out of rehab etc.

Looking at it from a selfish point of view whats worse, having him live with you for a couple of years while he completes his education and gets a good start in life or spending the next twenty potentially cleaning up messes you haven't even dreamed of?

One last thing, Tom has been part of your fiancees life for 15 years, you haven't. Don't underestimate this. The words 'Backfire' and 'Spectacular' come to mind.

prinz

Selfish001 wrote: »

He moved because the Aunt and Uncle are fanatically religious. Too religious for anyones liking really..

Too religious? Perhaps it was their religion that strengthened them to take the kid on in the first place. Bit rich of you to be casting slight on them tbh in the light of your own refusal/ infuriation at the prospects of helping out.

Selfish001 wrote: »

So here is the crux. My fiance wants us to take in Tom. This infuriates me, I want our own space.

Tbh I left home at 18 to go to Uni and have never lived full time at home since. You take in the lad, give him the home, security and support you can, help him to do well and learn how to be independent and you could be sending him off to college in as little as 2-3 years. Yes it is a farily big ask but it's also something nice to do for your future wife.

Sleepy

To be honest, I wouldn't be thrilled in your situation OP, but as I'm amazed you haven't learned already if your engaged: relationships are about compromise.

Your fiancé isn't going to let her kid brother's life be destroyed because you'd rather not have to share the PS3 / TV Remote. If she could dismiss family that easily, are you sure that's someone you'd want having your children?

He's 15 and you're talking about study so presumably he's mid way through junior cert or in fifth year. Either way, you're looking at less than 2 1/2 years before he starts college / work / adulthood.

In your position I'd be setting down ground-rules such as he spends every second weekend at one of the other sister's houses so you and your fiancé can have some time for yourselves, he's there until his Leaving Cert is over and no longer etc. and then sit down with him, offer to let him move in with ye but clearly lay out the 'house rules' as he'll be living under your roof and expected to live by your rules.

Man up tbh.

extra-ordinary_

confusedmuch wrote: »

Op, you're giving out about the father yet you don't want to help this boy, Pot, Kettle, Black.

Not really...the father is responsible for his child, the OP is not.

As already has been said, you need to 'man up' OP. This is life. The woman you love,your future wife has a problem, and you can either accept this and help her or not. It's perfectly understandable that you don't want to do this, and that it's not your absolute ideal situation...see my sig.


You are showing your fiancee, and yourself, that you have what it takes for the long haul.

kmick

To the OP. All you have in this world is your family and if your other half is also of this mindset and it blows up its not just Tom thats not going to be living with you any more. If you were 15 and pretty much on your own would you like your sister to leave you high and dry. If you want someone to validate the fact that your selfishness is ok I dont think you will find it on boards or on this thread.

FlashGordon1969

Tough choices. Whatever you do-dont feel rushed into a decision. Delay at a minimum until after the wedding. There must be steps that all his siblings could take that would improve his life and ensure he does not take a downward path. Can he not be driven to his friends at various stages? Could he not be made go to Supervised study in his school and the attendance checked.

A family conference might seem like a good idea but I would be a bit wary of it-because you could find pressure too strong there, for you to take him in. Don't agree to it unless you have your bottom line worked out. Forget respite-if he moves in, he is ultimately your responsibility ,so if you agree to having him go 100% or don't do it.

Perhaps, if you tried to be more an older brother to him you could assuage your girlfriends fears. There must be something you can do together. Think creatively and dont allow debate to centre on moving in.

Why cant his other siblings take him-do they have good excuses??

ash23

Do you really think if you turn to your fiancee and say "honey, I don't want your brother to come live with us. Let him stay with the religious nuts, the abusive alcoholic father or put him into foster care", then she will be your fiancee for much longer?

Grow a pair. By all means explain to your wife-to-be that you have reservations and concerns and try to have those addressed. But thats what getting married is about.

Many couples end up caring for their in-laws, their OHs elderly parents etc.

You are being selfish and if you prevent her from letting her brother move in and he goes off the rails and ruins his life, I'll give you 2 guesses who she will blame along with herself and her parents.
Yes, YOU!

gimme5minutes

Seeing as how you say he is basically stuck out at his dad's unless he gets a lift, surely that is a decent distraction free environment to get some study done? He is also not going to be able to start hanging around with scumbags as he is living out the country so thats another plus. People either want to do the study or they don't. I know people who came from very good backgrounds who hardly bothered studying at all for their leaving, and I also know some people who came from pretty rough backgrounds who would study all day no problem. It's down to the individual as much as anything. And from what I gather from your posts OP you don't like the dad and he's a lazy waster but is that it? He's not physically or verbally abusing this kid?

People are getting over dramatic coming out with phrases like 'his life will be destroyed' - it won't be destroyed, from what the OP wrote this kid seems decent enough and not a complete moron. I also fail to see why he can't move back in with the aunt and uncle, so what if they are religious, if they treat him well what exactly is the problem? Seriously, what is so bad about him living with A) his Dad or his aunt and uncle?

As for the OP being a bad person for not letting the brother stay - this kid could end up staying there for the next 10 years. If the OP feels he is not comfortable with that scenario that's fair enough, I know I wouldn't be. There is nothing to feel guilty about there, he can't help the way he feels. And if he takes in this kid when he is not comfortable with it you can be guaranteed there will be alot of stress, tension and resentment in the house. Couples have a hard enough time staying together as it is these days without throwing a teenage kid into the mix. Seriously, it's bad enough living with people in their early twenties but a teenager is a whole other ball game. What are you gonna do if and when he starts behaving like a little bastard as teenagers are prone to...bringing friends over....leaving the house in a mess....I could not stick that.

If my gf came to me and said her brother was moving in indefinitely , it would be a dealbreaker for me, I'd be out the door. I would not be interested in spending the next X years of my life living in those circumstances.

gimme5minutes

ash23 wrote: »

Do you really think if you turn to your fiacee and say "honey, I don't want your brother to come live with us. Let him stay with the religious nuts, the abusive alcoholic father or put him into foster care", then she will be your fiancee for much longer?

"Abuse alcoholic father" - where exactly did the OP say that? He said the father is a recovering alcoholic and he never mentioned anything about abuse. In fact the OP said 'We really wouldn't mind how things were going with the dad, but the study is going to hamper him and the rest of his life." So the dad seems to be treating him fine, just not really encouraging him to study. Which I don't think is an issue anyway because in my experience people either like to study or don't. There are lots of people who have come from desperate backgrounds who have gone on to college and got good careers.

As for "religious nuts" - The OP said they don't push the religion too hard. So I can't really see the issue there either.

You are being selfish and if you prevent her from letting her brother move in and he goes off the rails and ruins his life, I'll give you 2 guessed who she will blame along with herself and her parents.
Yes, YOU!

Do you think this kid is a complete braindead moron? Then why do you think he will go off the rails and ruin his life if he doesn't move in with the OP? How will living out the country with his father or living with his aunt and uncle cause him to go off the rails?

skooterblue

Hi Op
this is a big shock for you. To go from single bloke to guardian of a teenage kid. He isn't your bloodline and not your responsibility. Look at the kid, he doesn't have very positive responsible role models. He is at a very delicate age where he could be a fantastic life success of just another statistic down at AA, up in front of the local justices, or the first door the guards knock at when there is something up.

If he was your nephew/brother would you put him into care/leave him with people of usual religious beliefs? You are right its not your responsibility to fix this situation but if you dont take a little corrective actions now it could be a lot harder more expensive to do it later. Its only two years or so until he gets to go to college gets an apprenticeship. You are only 28 and young and healthy. BE THE BIGGER MAN here, give this guy the start in life he deserves.

Have a family sit down and talk about it. If I had those assets and I loved my fiance that much I would have no problem reorganizing plans for a year or two. What do you think will happen to this child if he is left to his own devices? You have a chance to make a difference be a positive role model and feel good that you are doing the right thing.

implausible

confusedmuch wrote: »

Op, you're giving out about the father yet you don't want to help this boy, Pot, Kettle, Black.

That's not fair, the OP isn't the boy's flesh and blood.

Sleepy wrote: »

He's 15 and you're talking about study so presumably he's mid way through junior cert or in fifth year. Either way, you're looking at less than 2 1/2 years before he starts college / work / adulthood.

In your position I'd be setting down ground-rules such as he spends every second weekend at one of the other sister's houses so you and your fiancé can have some time for yourselves, he's there until his Leaving Cert is over and no longer etc. and then sit down with him, offer to let him move in with ye but clearly lay out the 'house rules' as he'll be living under your roof and expected to live by your rules.

I would agree with the above poster. Ground rules are essential from day one. Tell him that he is expected to contribute to the house, by doing jobs etc and that you and your fiancé need your space at times. It could do the lad a world of good to have some structure and normality in his life. If you both are supportive and encouraging of his schooling and his study for exams, you'll be opening up the possibility of college for him and his independence; everyone's a winner.

You also need to consider the alternative. If you don't take him in, what will happen? Angry young men like him often end up with a bad crowd and being involved in crime. That will only cause more bother for you and your fiance down the line.

Bear in mind also that this could be a deal-breaker for your fiance. When you are in a relationship with someone, you take on their baggage, like it or not. It's a variation of the 'in sickness, in health' bit of the marriage vows. No-one is saying you have to like your inlaws, but you do have to try your best to not make life harder for your fiance, by not putting her in a position where she has to choose.

Good luck OP, it's not an enviable position to be in.

ash23

gimme5minutes wrote: »

"Abuse alcoholic father" - where exactly did the OP say that? He said the father is a recovering alcoholic and he never mentioned anything about abuse. In fact the OP said 'We really wouldn't mind how things were going with the dad, but the study is going to hamper him and the rest of his life." So the dad seems to be treating him fine, just not really encouraging him to study. Which I don't think is an issue anyway because in my experience people either like to study or don't. There are lots of people who have come from desperate backgrounds who have gone on to college and got good careers.

As for "religious nuts" - The OP said they don't push the religion too hard. So I can't really see the issue there either.




Do you think this kid is a complete braindead moron? Then why do you think he will go off the rails and ruin his life if he doesn't move in with the OP? How will living out the country with his father or living with his aunt and uncle cause him to go off the rails?

I got this from the OP where the OP said the kid lost his mom at 11, the father who has been recovering from his alcohol addiction for 10 years wasn't able to cope and then the aunt and uncle took him.

The op says

He moved because the Aunt and Uncle are fanatically religious. Too religious for anyones liking really.

So I'm guessing nobody is comfortable with them bringin up the child.

He also says

So with only about 2 weeks living with his dad things are awful.His dad is such a douchebag

Ok, maybe abusive was too harsh but if things are awful for the child, the dad is hardly a wonderful parent?

As for the last paragraph, well, the poor kid has been through a lot. OP was the one who predicted that the kid would do badly at school etc.

I'm only going on what the OP has said and the fact that his fiancee is concerned for her little brothers future.

Cheap Thrills!

confusedmuch wrote: »

Op, you're giving out about the father yet you don't want to help this boy, Pot, Kettle, Black.

OP is not OBLIGED to take care of the boy, its not HIS son, its the fathers kid, he IS obliged. Elementary stuff, you bear em, you rear em.

Now, OP you also mentioned that the kid is playing the religious aunt and uncle off against the douchy Dad. EXACTLY, and he is playing them ALL off against you. Teenagers are dramatic, their job is to manipulate people who care for them, to get themselves the best deal.

If you two sacrifice your bit of hard earned peace and privacy to give this lad a motorbike and all that glitters do you honestly think he is going to go back to Ned Flanders or the deadbeat Dad, NO.

So the Dad is not ideal, well thats what zillions of Dads are like. Bad luck, he can go back to the holy Duo if he wants. However there is a difference between non-ideal circumstances for growing up and actual hardship.

To all those saying the Fiance will roll if OP doesn't take the lad in, well I'd say let her, emotional blackmail doesn't sit well with most.

cafecolour

I'm not sure if the motorbike is the best idea - a 15 year with no guidance/structure and that freedom could well be a bad combo.

As others have said, you could accept him only for a year or two til gets the leaving cert and then heads off to uni or something. 15 is miles away from 18.

OTOH - has your fiance thought through the issues of taking him in a practical sense - ie what are the schools like where you live? Will she be comfortable playing an authority figure to an errant teenager? Is she going to be happy battling over dirty dishes/clothes/meals/drugs/etc. Loving her brother and wanting to help him is quite different then being responsible for him.

I'm not sure boarding school is actually that bad of idea, if he'd go to one (and you can find an appropriate one). Maybe you could get the father and aunt/uncle to contribute money as well. He could stay with you or other sisters for breaks.

All and all, don't take him just because your fiance insists - if you sit there resenting him, he's going to sense it. But really take a look at your objections. Is it selfishness or is it fear? You might just be afraid of changes, afraid of getting older and clinging to your current 20-something lifestyle and the possibility that this sort of responsibility = growing up and getting older.

LegacyUser

Am out the door now but I just thought I'd add a bit more info after reading some of the replies (I will consider the rest later on).

Some facts:
The father is not physically or mentally abusive.
I have never spoken to him for more than 10 seconds and I've been going out with my other half for 8 years almost.
Tom is a smart enough kid and is a country boy living in a city now. He doesn't mingle with scumbags yet.
I'm not a terrible person, I'm considering all the posts. I can change, but I know its a bad idea.
I've said no to my g/f and she has accepted it for now, but its an issue still all the same.
The other siblings don't really have the means to look after Tom.
He could live at his home house, with his 22 year old sister and their kid. After all it is his house...
got to go for now

KnocKnocKnock

I think that the lad should be allowed to stay with you and your fiance. At 15, he needs guidance and good role models. He needs to feel that he is capable of achieving and being independant yet still having a safe base to fall back on. He doesn't need as much babying as a younger child. He can get himself up and dressed, he can cook for himself if the ingredients are there, he can do his own homework and be aware of the consequences of not working hard, all if done under supervision. This supervision does not mean that you have to completely give up your busy lifestyles, just reorganise it a bit.
I think the reward of knowing you contributed positively to this lad's life will be extremely fulfilling and long lasting, especially in a few years when he appreciates what you have done and can thank you both genuinely.
I have to say though, I don't think it will suddenly end in 2/3 years. In my experience people don't suddenly become completely independant once they hit 18. A great number of people do not leave home to go to college, and even the ones that do, still want to "come home" during the holidays and sometimes need financial assistance from guardians.

irishh_bob

Selfish001 wrote: »

I am at a happy stage in my life. I am 28, getting married in the summer and we have planned to have kids soon. We are both working in relatively good jobs, 1 is very safe the other is safe enough (ie one is public and one is private).

My fiance (and I hope nobody recognises this - I have changed some non crucial info) is 27. She has 5 siblings, one of which is the youngest Tom, aged 15. Their mom died some 4 years ago. Tom was living with an aunt and uncle near the family home because their recovering alcoholic father (recovering since 10 years) wasn't a suitable option at the time. So things with the Aunt and Uncle were going well enough (or so we thought) for the last 4 years. Now Tom has moved out to live with his dad (whom he was staying with on weekends). He moved because the Aunt and Uncle are fanatically religious. Too religious for anyones liking really.

Tom is now in 4th year and my fiance is really worried about his future. He is a nice enough boy, but I don't really spend time with him as we've no common interests really. So with only about 2 weeks living with his dad things are awful. His dad is such a douchebag. I think his dad is out of work or something along those lines living in a council house. Anyway, Tom rings my fiance/his sister whenever he knows that she is off and asks to hang out. I would urge my fiance not to bring him to our house, but instead to get him out playing with his own age group. Problem is that his friends are about 5 miles away and his dad won't even bring him. In fact his dad won't even urge him to do any activity or any study.

We can both predict the outcome of this. Tom will not do well at school and will not get a good enough education to help himself in life.

So here is the crux. My fiance wants us to take in Tom. This infuriates me, I want our own space. We really are happily in love, but this issue is tearing us apart. Personally I don't want anyone else to stay in our house for an extended period of time. The issue here is me and I'm under no illusions. But I am as mad as hell that things got to this stage.

What to do?

you obviously have a very different definition of what constitutes being mean and selfish , than i do , it is perfectley natural for you to not want your fiances young brother to come live with you and IMO would cause undoubted strain in you and your fiances relationship and while i understand your partners eagerness to help out her kid brother , her dysfunctional family should not impinge on her or your future or home life

Ickle Magoo

OP,

I can understand why you don't want her little brother to live with you but I can't see a happy ending if she really wants to look after him & won't budge and you refuse to take him in and won't budge.

If it was my family Vs a fella, I'd drop the fella like a hot brick to look after my family, especially if he thought my being upset at what my brother is going through as being nothing more than an impingement to the life he leads. I think you have to sit down and thrash it out. I don't think it's as simple as saying "I'm a meanie, I don't want him". If you stick to that, will it effect your relationship? Are you saying NO to taking in her brother to maintain a life that is going to disintegrate if you put your foot down and say no? Could she call a family meeting, mediate with the father/auntie or uncle/is there any compromise?

It's a huge decision to make either way and I can't see a route that doesn't have equally huge implications. Best of luck.

LegacyUser

Hi OP.

Firstly I cannot believe how many people on here are giving you such a hard time. I don't think you are being selfish, personally I would be the same if I was in a similar situation. Your a young couple yet to start your married life together and a teenager who you barely know moving in with you is a terrible idea. If your not happy with it, it will only cause anger and resentment in your relationship. I can completely understand why your fiancee wants to help her brother but she also needs to realise that you barely know him and that you are not happy about this. It doesn't sounds like the boy has it all that bad and like others have said, there are plently of dads that aren't great but you gotta live with what you got, it is his responsibility at the end of the day, not yours.

iguana

selfish001 wrote: »

When I have my kids, they will be my kids and my family

I hate to break it to you OP but if you are serious about marrying his sister then he is your family. I can absolutely sympathise with your discomfort, I wouldn't like any of my in-laws to live with me, to be completely honest I wouldn't want my family living with me either. But if any of them needed to, really needed to, then that's just what would have to happen.

As has been said don't rush into any decisions, take time to talk and think the whole situation through. But putting your foot down for the sake of your lifestyle is not the way to go.

Glowing

Ask yourself if you could ever live with yourself if something bad came of 'Tom' as a result of his dodgy upbringing?

You might surprise yourself and actually enjoy his company when you get to know him a bit better.

Piriz

Hi OP
i'd like you to think what it is like to be Tom, just consider his life from his point of view, his confidence and self esteem, its possible you'd be capable of becoming a positive force in this guys life. Besides making your decision regarding this issue...a good next step is to spend more time with him, he likes you, be open to liking him back, your fiance will see your making an effort, and by getting to know him better you will tune into his needs better, this will assist the outcome!

In addition, hypothetically speaking, if you did care for Tom a bit, you might learn alot about how to raise your own children when they come, and if they come soon Tom could be a babysitter for you too..

Look, everyone agrees that this is a difficult situation, but if you are in a position where you can provide stability in a persons life for the sake of your fiance and at the same time demonstrate that your a man that your future wife can truly rely on then find some way that it will work..

you'll get the respect you deserve if your open to helping Tom (whatever agreement is found)

good luck

sorry if i sound preachy

LegacyUser

This thread was a good idea. Lots of great opinions. Some of ye definitely hit the nail on the head in terms of analysis.

Things between me and my g/f are back to normal. She saw that I was depressed and worried about the whole thing. She really is a saint; to be going thought this and doing what she is doing. We love each other so much and we've been through tough times together.

Her mum died while she was doing her master, she was very strong and didn't really show her emotions, but with this issue I see very important to her. I will do my best in the situation, I promise. I will however give it some more time. Maybe things will work out with the Dad down the line; I mean how long could any father upset his son's life?

Next steps for us I think are to talk to Tom's dad next time we see something that pisses us off. No easy feat when I have never talked to him before... He intimidates me, but this is my own doing; My g/f has told me how he drove his wife to cancer (through stress we think) and I resent him for this and how he treated his wife. But at the same time he was sick with alcoholism (not abusive afaik).

Thanks everyone