How to deal with distraught ex?

LegacyUser

Sorry for long post...

I broke up with my boyfriend a few weeks ago. We were together for about 2 years and the breakup came as a big surprise to him. I hadn't been happy for a while, and I'd tried to convey it to him a few times but he'd always say that we'd get through it. I thought we would but in the end I just decided I didn't want it anymore.

Anyway he's been in bits since the breakup. I've obviously been upset too but I'm handling things a lot better than him. He keeps texting and ringing me. I think he's finally accepted that we're not going to get back together, but he still says he just misses talking to me and that he wants us to be friends. I want us to be friends too...eventually. I think it's too soon for us to be talking all the time, emotions are still all over the place and I just think it's going to give him the wrong ideas.When we were together he was quite dependent on me. He doesn't have many close friends to go out with or anything so we'd end up doing everything together.

My friends are telling me not to reply to his texts or answer his calls. Sometimes I do, sometimes I don't. I don't want to be straight out mean, because he's a good guy. But a few times I've had to basically be blunt and tell him to pull himself together. Now he's accusing me of being cold. He keeps using emotional blackmail like "If you actually cared for me, you would talk to me" and all this. I've tried telling him that of course I care about him but that I have to do things my way. Am I being incredibly selfish?

He sent me a Happy Valentines text yesterday with a kiss at the end (in fact, he always puts kisses in his messages as if everything's still normal). I didn't reply, then he rang me last night on private number. We spoke for a few minutes but I got mad at him and hung up and turned my phone off. This morning I'd a big long ramlbing voice mail from him that went on for so long that it cut him off! He sounded like he'd had a few drinks. One minute he was sad and saying sorry and the next minute he'd be mad and accusing me of not caring, etc etc. He also said something along the lines of "I don't care what you did last night, but you are obviously ok enough to do stuff like that." It took me a minute to realise what that was about...I'd been out on Saturday night with my friend and we ended up back at a house party. She posted on her FB status yesterday evening how hungover she was and I replied and we had a bit of a conversation about the previous night (waking up on a randomer's couch, for example). I only realised this morning that my ex is FB friends with my friend so he must have read the whole conversation. I feel bad, I feel like I shouldn't be having fun because he's suffering so much and I feel like I rubbed it in his face by doing that. I didn't even twig that they were FB friends, they don't know each other that well, and I wouldn't have made those comments if I knew that he'd read them.

I just don't know how to handle the situation at all. I hate myself for putting him through so much pain, but I have to make him understand that we are broken up and we can't just go from being a couple to being friends who chat to each other all the time. Is that unreasonable of me? He is right that I am being slightly cold with him, but I feel like I have to be! Any advice please?!

extra-ordinary_

Break all contact with him and ignore all his attempts at contact. You've got to be cruel to be kind. It's the only way he'll ever start to heal. You're not being selfish - it's what's best for him.

LegacyUser

Hey, I understand to an extent what you are going through.

I broke up with my bf 2 weeks ago, but he was so upset and made me feel so bad about it that I took him back. And I really feel worse now.
I know I must break up with him again, I know I'm only making it worse by dragging it out.

In the end, he'll get over you, you just can't be making him feel bad, he's manipulating you, making you feel bad to try get you back, and it's not fair on you.

I've realised that the only reason I'm with my boyfriend again, is because he's making it all suit him, he knows that I feel guilty and he used that to get me back, and he just ignores any signs that I'm unhappy. Like your ex, he always uses the "we'll get through it, I promise" line.

Wagon

Help with ex wrote: »

Anyway he's been in bits since the breakup. I've obviously been upset too but I'm handling things a lot better than him.

you dumped him so naturally you'd be getting on better.

He keeps texting and ringing me. I think he's finally accepted that we're not going to get back together, but he still says he just misses talking to me and that he wants us to be friends.

No he hasn't. He still wants to get back with you. When he finally accepts it, you'll probably never hear from him again.

I want us to be friends too...eventually. I think it's too soon for us to be talking all the time, emotions are still all over the place and I just think it's going to give him the wrong ideas.

To be perfectly honest, id just say that you'll never be friends at all. ill tell you why in a second.

When we were together he was quite dependent on me. He doesn't have many close friends to go out with or anything so we'd end up doing everything together.

That's his responsibility. Not yours.

My friends are telling me not to reply to his texts or answer his calls.Sometimes I do, sometimes I don't.

They're right. You shouldn't anwer any texts at all.

I don't want to be straight out mean, because he's a good guy.

I don't understand this. you broke up with him so he obviously wasnt good enough. Stick with that. There's no point saying he's a good guy.

But a few times I've had to basically be blunt and tell him to pull himself together. Now he's accusing me of being cold.

I'm on his side for this one. That's a pretty crap thing to hear from someone who dumped you a few weeks previously. He's the one hurt here, and i know you say you are too but it's nothing to the same extent.

He keeps using emotional blackmail like "If you actually cared for me, you would talk to me" and all this. I've tried telling him that of course I care about him but that I have to do things my way. Am I being incredibly selfish?

Yes and no. Why not just be honest with him and tell him that you don't care about him anymore? It could be the answer he's looking for and before you say it's mean, it's a breath of fresh air when a girl tells you exactly where you stand. So far he's been second guessing, building things up in his head and generally being a mess. It's not his fault really, i suppose he cant help it. But an honest answer could be exactly what he needs.

He sent me a Happy Valentines text yesterday with a kiss at the end (in fact, he always puts kisses in his messages as if everything's still normal). I didn't reply, then he rang me last night on private number. We spoke for a few minutes but I got mad at him and hung up and turned my phone off. This morning I'd a big long ramlbing voice mail from him that went on for so long that it cut him off! He sounded like he'd had a few drinks. One minute he was sad and saying sorry and the next minute he'd be mad and accusing me of not caring, etc etc. He also said something along the lines of "I don't care what you did last night, but you are obviously ok enough to do stuff like that." It took me a minute to realise what that was about...I'd been out on Saturday night with my friend and we ended up back at a house party. She posted on her FB status yesterday evening how hungover she was and I replied and we had a bit of a conversation about the previous night (waking up on a randomer's couch, for example). I only realised this morning that my ex is FB friends with my friend so he must have read the whole conversation. I feel bad, I feel like I shouldn't be having fun because he's suffering so much and I feel like I rubbed it in his face by doing that. I didn't even twig that they were FB friends, they don't know each other that well, and I wouldn't have made those comments if I knew that he'd read them.

Well dont beat yourself up over that one. It's an honest mistake.

I just don't know how to handle the situation at all. I hate myself for putting him through so much pain, but I have to make him understand that we are broken up and we can't just go from being a couple to being friends who chat to each other all the time. Is that unreasonable of me? He is right that I am being slightly cold with him, but I feel like I have to be! Any advice please?!

This is what i mean about never being friends. Tell him that you just don't want any friendship. Ever. None of this stuff about "maybe in the future" or "when things have calmed down". Just tell him it will never ever happen. It'll hurt him but he'll get better a lot quicker because he'll know where things stand. And then you accept that there is no hope of a friendship possible so you don't give him a call in a few months to see how he's doing. I'm not saying you'll do that but it happens.