Is she messing with my head?

LegacyUser

A few weeks ago, my ex texted me looking for sex, and last week, we were talking and she said she'd like to be f buddies, yet within 24 hours she texts me and says that she doesn't think that that would be a good idea, and that she regrets texting me looking for sex a few weeks ago.

Is she confused? Or is she playing me? My mates seem to think that she is playing me around.

Opinions welcome...

Cheap Thrills!

Probably was drunk when she requested the sex and sober when regretted it.

I would steer well clear, she is indeed just messing with your head, maybe not purposely.

Its up to you to set the boundaries here, if someone is inclined to take advantage (as she is here) then YOU are the one that has to say no and show her where the line is.

LegacyUser

It's just that she sent that text about wanting to be f buddies when she was sober. Then 12 hours later says 'no, it would be a bad idea' . Sooo confusing!!!

__plec__

She is messing with your head,but i doubt its intentional.Im guessing she just wants to make contact,likes what you had so wants to hear from you.She probably texted you looking for validation,to know that you still would sleep with her.However when it had the chance to become a reality she knows its not a good idea.

id say she's just confused about a few things

blaz

Always remember: there is a reason why she is your ex.

LegacyUser

Thing is, I sent her a pretty harsh message when she said that "she didn't really want to be fb's". I feel pretty bad about it, but she was messing me around ya know? I mean, it had to stop.

LegacyUser

well i did the same thing with my ex last year, it was about 6 months after he broke up, to be honest i was missing him mad, and i wanted closeness, we always had great sexual chemistry so i was testing the water, i knew he would reply right away or not at all....and he did, and of course he was up for it, man have that easiness to separate just sex and love/sex....after few chat i told him it would be a bad idea cos it probably would stire things up again for us...i wanted tho, but to be honest, i wanted him back so i knew if i was to do it it wouldnt change anything for him and i would be left devastated.

My guess is, shes doing it for the same reason than i did!! a reaction from you and to get in touch...most likely more.

LegacyUser

Basically, if she were to honestly not know that she's wrecking my head, I feel a little bad for sending that harsh message, but if she was testing the waters so to speak, I feel kinda vindicated for sending it.

Why do some girls do it?!

theg81der

Who broke it off? Sounds like she still likes you and thought she could settle for just sex with you then realised it would hurt to much to be with you and not be in love. Or if she dumped you she might have thought you couldn`t handle it.

LegacyUser

She dumped me. I don't see how she can change from the (sober) night before to saying 'I don't want to' the morning after?

She was probably just using me. She deserved that harsh message

theg81der

What did you expect to gain from this experience? Are you annoyed because you won`t be getting sex or her, I`m confused?

LegacyUser

It's not the fact that I won't be getting sex, or it's not that she changed her mind. I'm just annoyed that she can change her mind so quick and not take my feelings into account. She was just playing around with my head - 'testing the waters' as another poster said.

lynsalot

Hey OP,

This happened to me with my ex HUSBAND lol he broke it off and within a month wanted to be f buddies... u can imagine what I told him!

So yeah i'm wondering too what it is thats bothering you. Are you still interested in this girl? I guess you must be to have posted. Yes she should consider hwo difficult it is for you if she broke it off and to dangle an opportunity like that in front of you is unfair. I wonder what happened after you broke up. How did u react? Did you walk away and not contact her etc? Maybe she feels you were once interested in rekindling something and no u aren't or maybe she panicked and changed her mind. Most likely the second one.

Either way... you broke up for a reason. Do you think getting involved in anyway again with this girl could make you happy? Were you considering sleeping with her again when she changed her mind? I say this a lot, but you need to make your own mind up and forget everyone else... her feelings, your friends... what is it you want from her. If you have moved on, then this shouldn't really be bothering you so much. If you still have feelings for her then you need to explain you don't need these messages from her etc.

extra-ordinary_

I'm confused also.

Are you saying that you would have been OK being fcuk buddies? Judging by this thread, it doesn't seem like you would have been able to handle it. You say you still have feelings for her.

She breaks up with you and then asks you to be fbs? If I had feelings for someone, this would really hurt me.

Wagon

whatsshedoing wrote: »

Why do some girls do it?!

Most likely, because she was feeling lonely, it possibly didn't work out with another guy and wanted some quick verification that she was still wanted. And then changed her mind possibly because if you entertained the idea then it was all she needed. Or possibly because she met someone else.

No offence but she sounds like a fúckin tool mate. Fair play on the harsh message, if it means that this crap doesnt happen again it was the right thing to do.

LegacyUser

Wagon, I think you are spot on, unfortunately.

To anyone who may be confused, basically, the girl who I loved, dumped me, and wanted to stay friends. I cut contact, but she insisted on keeping in contact. She called me up one morning (possibly drunk) looking for sex.

Two weeks after that she says that she would like to be fcuk buddies, and then less than twelve hours later she says that she 'doesn't want to'. She was stone cold sober both of these occasions.

My conundrum was to why she was messing with my head. Either she wanted to be fcuk buddies or not. I could have done the whole fcuk buddies thing with no feelings involved, but I'm just really confused as to why she is devaluing me by changing her mind.

By the way, I realize she is quite a selfish person. And she probably deserved that harsh text I sent (doesn't make me feel better for sending it though)

Wagon

Are you still friends with her?

LegacyUser

No. Particularly after me telling her where to get off

Wagon

Nice one. And don't feel bad about sending that message either. She didn't exactly feel bad about using you to make herself feel better. There's threads appearing here sometimes where exs use someone for leverage. This wasn't the first time and sure won't be the last but look on the bright side, you got it sorted before it escalated into something much worse.

LegacyUser

Thanks Wagon.

You're right, I am lucky to have got rid of that selfish girl when I did. She hasn't texted back or called since I sent that text. So she has got the message. Either that, or she really doesn't care anymore. Either way, I will continue to look onwards and upwards, and no longer concern myself with her. That text was so harsh, as to get a LOT out of system and it has.

Thanks for all responses guys.

Barracudaincork

It might of been a case of she was horny but didnt want to increase her numbers so wanted sex with an ex and thought of you. Then in the cold light of day she realised she couldnt do that with you (for god only knows what reasons) and she texted to say so.

I think she more than likely deserved the text back, as tbh it was a sh*tty thing to do saying she wanted to be your FB and then not, so dont worry about sending it.

As for anyone who thinks she had a right to change her mind, agreed she did, but she should of made sure she wasnt going to change it before texting you and not change her mind 12 hours later.

LegacyUser

Hi Sunflower.

You're probably right about the test . With regards to me being hung up on her, I suppose I could be a little bit. I just really cared for her. And then the fact that she could play with my head after the relationship hurts - hence why I am (futile effort) trying to find out why.

I feel a little bad for sending her that harsh text, but I had to say enough is enough. I don't know whether I didn't get a response is a good or a bad thing.

But I do realize that she is a selfish character. I just gotta keep truckin'

Thanks for replying SF.

shoes34

I text my ex for casual sex last week, we spent one night texting saying what we like to do and then two days later he told me that he didn't want to get back into a relationship. I told him I missed the sex with him and he said he missed it too so offered to be his FB (maybe not the best idea I ever had). We spent the night texting again and the next evening he came over and we had sex, maybe better sex than we had when we dated.

He went his merry way the following day and I did text him to tell him it that I had an amazing night. Now my head is all over the place again, whereas I really miss having sex with him I also miss having him to talk to too, I know men can probably seperate sex and emotions and I thought I could too but just miss him.

So maybe your ex was like me and what casual sex but then chickened out and maybe if you talk to her about it, maybe deep down she wants to get the relationship back on track, is that a possibility?

Wagon

shoes34 wrote: »

I know men can probably seperate sex and emotions and I thought I could too but just miss him.

Some can and some can't. Same applies for women.

So maybe your ex was like me and what casual sex but then chickened out and maybe if you talk to her about it, maybe deep down she wants to get the relationship back on track, is that a possibility?

No. If you are happy in a relationship, you dont break up with a person. People say things like "the time isnt right" and "in a bad place with my life right now" etc... but it all translates to the same thing: I dont want to be with you. And life is full of shít timing and problems and difficulty but if you love someone you don't break up with them because of it, you stick with them and work through it. So obviously the OPs ex doesn't care enough about him. The only one being hurt here is seems is him.

Barracudaincork

Wagon wrote: »

No. If you are happy in a relationship, you dont break up with a person. People say things like "the time isnt right" and "in a bad place with my life right now" etc... but it all translates to the same thing: I dont want to be with you. And life is full of shít timing and problems and difficulty but if you love someone you don't break up with them because of it, you stick with them and work through it.

+ 1

LegacyUser

Shoes34 - within 12 hours, the girl went from saying 'I'm up for anything with you' to 'No, I don't want to' . This is a week after she texts me looking for sex.

As far as me talking to her again, I don't think that will happen because part of that harsh text I sent contained phrases similar to:

'Whether you want me or not, you can't have me.' and 'never darken my doorway ever again'.

She hasn't replied, and tbh I'm fairly pleased that she hasn't.

LegacyUser

Thanks for all responses guys. Just last thing, my text to her (see one or two extracts in post above) was (give or take) the right thing to do, yeah?

Thanks for all replies guys, it has made me feel a LOT better about everything

Barracudaincork

whatsshedoing wrote: »

Thanks for all responses guys. Just last thing, my text to her (see one or two extracts in post above) was (give or take) the right thing to do, yeah?

Thanks for all replies guys, it has made me feel a LOT better about everything

Well i suppose the right thing to do would of been to ignore her, but you would be the first and only person capable of doing that so the next best thing imo was to send that text, damn right!

I know your eating yourself up over sending it, thats cause your a good guy, but sometimes good guys buttons can be pushed and they have to bite back. What you did is normal and although may not be your proudest moment in your life, it is far far far from the worst thing. Now stop feeling bad and start thinking "phew that text sorted her out, now time to get on with my life, summer is coming, mini skirt, legs on show awh yeah!!!"

Wagon

whatsshedoing wrote: »

Thanks for all responses guys. Just last thing, my text to her (see one or two extracts in post above) was (give or take) the right thing to do, yeah?

Absolutely. Handled beautifully.

Thanks for all replies guys, it has made me feel a LOT better about everything

No worries.

2manyconditions

whatsshedoing wrote: »

Basically, if she were to honestly not know that she's wrecking my head, I feel a little bad for sending that harsh message, but if she was testing the waters so to speak, I feel kinda vindicated for sending it.

Why do some girls do it?!

Why do some guys do it

Exclamation Marc

whatsshedoing wrote: »

Thanks for all responses guys. Just last thing, my text to her (see one or two extracts in post above) was (give or take) the right thing to do, yeah?

Thanks for all replies guys, it has made me feel a LOT better about everything

Just read the post there. You definitely did the right thing. If someone who you've been that close to is messing you around, it confirms you're better off out of that situation. And it's great that you took the proactive step to tell her to get lost. Kudos!

LegacyUser

Hi guys,

I was just wondering whether anyone else thought what I did was too harsh. The text contained far harsher wording then I used above, and I was just wondering whether I should have just said:

'I'm sorry but I can't be your friend right now' , or something along those lines.

But stupid me, I had to be harsh and vent a big essay text to her. I know she was messing me about, but I loved her, and as people, we did actually get on.

I'm all confused.

LegacyUser

If I were to apologize I would look like a lunatic, wouldn't I?

Exclamation Marc

whatsshedoing wrote: »

If I were to apologize I would look like a lunatic, wouldn't I?

Do not apologize, you'll just come off as weak and unsure of what you're doing. Stick by what you went with and what you said. You're better off. All you'll do by saying sorry is re-opening the can of worms.

LegacyUser

So that's it then....
Fireball, I know you're right, but part of me regrets the harsh things I sent to her. I don't forget that she rejected me, and then played around with my head a little bit, whether intentional or not. But part of me just thinks that sending her flowers or something will make everything okay. And to tell her we can't be 'just friends'.

I would probably lose ALL respect in her eyes then though, if I haven't lost it already. Thanks for replying.

Any other viewpoints welcome too

LegacyUser

Maybe in a few weeks I should apologize? Or never....

Where is Wibbs when you need him? He always gives rational, proper advice.

daisybelle2008

whatsshedoing wrote: »

Thing is, I sent her a pretty harsh message .

whatsshedoing wrote: »

I feel a little bad for sending that harsh message, but if she was testing the waters so to speak, I feel kinda vindicated for sending it.

whatsshedoing wrote: »

She deserved that harsh message

whatsshedoing wrote: »

By the way, I realize she is quite a selfish person. And she probably deserved that harsh text I sent (doesn't make me feel better for sending it though)

whatsshedoing wrote: »

That text was so harsh, as to get a LOT out of system and it has.

whatsshedoing wrote: »

I feel a little bad for sending her that harsh text, but I had to say enough is enough. I don't know whether I didn't get a response is a good or a bad thing.

whatsshedoing wrote: »

As far as me talking to her again, I don't think that will happen because part of that harsh text I sent contained phrases similar to:

'Whether you want me or not, you can't have me.' and 'never darken my doorway ever again'.

She hasn't replied, and tbh I'm fairly pleased that she hasn't.

whatsshedoing wrote: »

Just last thing, my text to her (see one or two extracts in post above) was (give or take) the right thing to do, yeah?
Thanks for all replies guys, it has made me feel a LOT better about everything

whatsshedoing wrote: »

I was just wondering whether anyone else thought what I did was too harsh. The text contained far harsher wording then I used above, and I was just wondering whether I should have just said:

'I'm sorry but I can't be your friend right now' , or something along those lines.

But stupid me, I had to be harsh and vent a big essay text to her. I know she was messing me about, but I loved her, and as people, we did actually get on.

I'm all confused.

whatsshedoing wrote: »

part of me regrets the harsh things I sent to her.

Any other viewpoints welcome too

The text was a very bad idea. It has made YOU feel worse. People sometimes encourage this kind of behaviour in the name of closure, 'getting it out of your system, or payback, it never works. The best thing you can do if someone treats you badly is to walk away with dignity and put your energys somewhere positive and give them the gift of indifference. Negative/harsh comments (and I feel yours was worse than you are letting on) always come back to bite you in the ass.
It has for you as you are confused and guilty and are now regreting your actions. Forget about any more communication (retribution or apology) and move on.

LegacyUser

Hi Daisybelle,

Thanks for replying. You are 100% right in most everything you say. I just really really want to apologize. That will make me look like a lunatic though, right? Is there any way in your opinion, that I can 'make it right'? Flowers, a note, anything.

I feel so disgusted with myself right now.

Thanks

daisybelle2008

whatsshedoing wrote: »

Hi Daisybelle,

Thanks for replying. You are 100% right in most everything you say. I just really really want to apologize. That will make me look like a lunatic though, right? Is there any way in your opinion, that I can 'make it right'? Flowers, a note, anything.

I feel so disgusted with myself right now.

Thanks

Hi OP. I firmly believe no further contact is the best way to move on. Just accept that there was wrong on both sides and move on. Your feelings are still very raw and wounded and any communication is not going to have the clarity, objectivity and distance to be meaningful. Let some time pass for things to settle down. You will get an opportunity to make peace with this girl somewhere down the road. Now is not a good time. Concentrate on not being so hard on her OR yourself. Forgive her and yourself mentally for your past mistakes and stop beating yourself (and her) up over the relationship not working out.

LegacyUser

Hi guys,

yeah I suppose you're right. Does anyone else have any input? I shouldn't apologize right?