Should I feel guilty?

SayWhaaat

Hello all. I've recently come to terms with my sexuality. I'm a 17 year old guy and an only child.

The problem is that my parents undoubtably want grandchildren and as a result I feel horribly guilty that I can never give them that. since we haven't a hope of adopting, I feel horrible everytime I contemplate coming out.

I feel this pressure on me to carry on my parent's wishes. Should I be feeling this bad?

azezil

You're only 17 don't be worrying about such non-sense, you could be hit by a bus in the morning

Annasopra

SayWhaaat wrote: »

Hello all. I've recently come to terms with my sexuality. I'm a 17 year old guy and an only child.

The problem is that my parents undoubtably want grandchildren and as a result I feel horribly guilty that I can never give them that. since we haven't a hope of adopting, I feel horrible everytime I contemplate coming out.

I feel this pressure on me to carry on my parent's wishes. Should I be feeling this bad?

No - you have no idea of what will happen in the future and there are many many different possibilities such as

1 - gay couples can foster
2 - you can adopt a child as a single person
3 - The laws will probably change
4 - you could move to a different country
5 - You could have a child with a woman

That list is not exhaustive

There are gay men parenting in this country so it's not an impossibility

ajxx

SayWhaaat wrote: »

Hello all. I've recently come to terms with my sexuality. I'm a 17 year old guy and an only child.

Hey,

Firstly congrats on coming to terms! That's one of the biggest hurdles I think...

Short reply would be that I imagine your parents will love you as their only child. You are all they have regardless of your orientation and fathering prospects. It might take them a while but they will hopefully adjust.

And adopting is not necessarily ruled out - i know the media has reported many couples and I personally am acquainted with lesbian couple who adopted....

Dwn Wth Vwls

Don't be ridiculous (I mean that in the nicest possible way). What your parents really want is for you to be happy.

Your sexuality really has no bearing on this at all. Being straight does not automatically mean that you want to have kids, nor that you will end up having kids. Being gay does not stop you having kids. If you only had children just because your parents wanted grandkids, how would that be fair to the children?

I think this is probably just a side effect of coming to terms with your sexuality and approaching adulthood. As you get older you'll get more comfortable with controlling your own life and you'll see that you can't set out just to please other people.

Beruthiel

SayWhaaat wrote: »

The problem is that my parents undoubtably want grandchildren and as a result I feel horribly guilty that I can never give them that.

Speaking as a parent myself, I couldn't give a toss if my one and only daughter has children or not.
It's not important.
What is important is that she live a long and happy life doing whatever it is she loves doing.
That's what any good parent worth their salt wants for their children.

Let that worry go now.
In the grand scheme of things it's unimportant and not something you should be worrying about at such a young age.

Nobody, gay, straight, bi, whatever, can predict the future or how their life will turn out.
The best you can do is live life in a way that makes you happy and let the chips fall where they may.

Aard

Your parents' attitudes, and the future possibility of adoption aside - you shouldn't be feeling guilty for something that you have absolutely no control over.


Not telling them because they might get upset is codependence, which isn't exactly the healthiest way of living.

SayWhaaat

Thanks everyone. You've all calmed my nerves somewhat

I've been told one of my flaws is that I constantly try to put people before myself. It leads to alot of over thinking and stress on my part.

I know my sexuality will come as a shock to them as my parents regurlarly ask if I have any girlfriends. If I hang around with a girl they assume too much and I panic. Plus I'm not effeminite at all.

Thank you so much everyone for the advice.

Annasopra

SayWhaaat wrote: »

Thanks everyone. You've all calmed my nerves somewhat

I've been told one of my flaws is that I constantly try to put people before myself. It leads to alot of over thinking and stress on my part.

I know my sexuality will come as a shock to them as my parents regurlarly ask if I have any girlfriends. If I hang around with a girl they assume too much and I panic. Plus I'm not effeminite at all.

Thank you so much everyone for the advice.

No problem

This website can offer support to your parents when you do come out

http://www.lovingouroutkids.org/

DubArk

Beruthiel wrote: »

Speaking as a parent myself, I couldn't give a toss if my one and only daughter has children or not.
It's not important.
What is important is that she live a long and happy life doing whatever it is she loves doing.
That's what any good parent worth their salt wants for their children.

Let that worry go now.
In the grand scheme of things it's unimportant and not something you should be worrying about at such a young age.

Nobody, gay, straight, bi, whatever, can predict the future or how their life will turn out.
The best you can do is live life in a way that makes you happy and let the chips fall where they may.

This is one of the best pieces of advice that you could ever take on board.

SayWhaaat

Update: Ok my mother walked in as I was closing down a page witht he words "Gay" and "advice" in the title. I froze and eventually just told her I might be gay(waaaay to afraid to come clean completely)

Needless to say she was shocked and she knows my father wont accept it. She insists it's a phase and keeps telling me all the bad things that will happen if I'm gay.

Not a great feeling to say the least.

She wants to tell my father but I'm terrified. Anyone have advice?

Aard

I'd just tell her, and put her out of her misery, so to speak. It might be best to talk with your mum about it in-depth - she probably only wants to tell your dad so that she can discuss it with somebody. Then once you convince her that the sky isn't falling in, she'll be an 'ally' when you tell your dad.

shay_562

SayWhaaat wrote: »

Update: Ok my mother walked in as I was closing down a page witht he words "Gay" and "advice" in the title. I froze and eventually just told her I might be gay(waaaay to afraid to come clean completely)

Needless to say she was shocked and she knows my father wont accept it. She insists it's a phase and keeps telling me all the bad things that will happen if I'm gay.

Not a great feeling to say the least.

She wants to tell my father but I'm terrified. Anyone have advice?

What bad things, specifically? Odds are most of them have reasonably solid answers that may calm her down a little. And to be fair, she doesn't know what your father will or won't accept, only he knows that. Aard's also right that you should come entirely clean with her. "Maybe" just makes it worse.

Annasopra

the website that I linked to above has a group called Parents Support so maybe you could tell your mother you are gay, that you're sure it's not a phase, that you know it's difficult for her and your dad to accept, also tell her the parents Support group exists if she wants to talk to a parent who has gone through something similar, To be honest I'm not sure about the stuff with your Dad, maybe just hold off for now and also keep in touch with us here but BelongTo also has an online support service if you needed to chat

Beruthiel

SayWhaaat wrote: »

She insists it's a phase and keeps telling me all the bad things that will happen if I'm gay.

Considering that your Mam must be around my age, I'm surprised at the above comment.
Perhaps just her initial shock and her worry for you.
I would suggest you give her a little time to think it through and then ask her what all these 'bad things' are.
Bad things can happen to any of us at anytime, no matter who or what we are.

Something tells me that your Mam has not had much experience with the gay community.

A few months ago I saw a wonderful little french film called juste une question d'amour.

A heart felt story of a young man falling in love and the pain and fear of trying to tell his parents.
It would do your mother no harm to watch it.
You can buy it on Play.com
It's a little gem of a film.
Give it to her as part of your Mothers Day prezzie, which I believe is coming up next month.

SayWhaaat

Again thanks to everyone for their kind words.

I'm not ready to come out to anyone. Not yet. My family wont accept it I want to get through school without being known as the guy who likes guys.

Beruthiel: She definitely still insists it's a phase. I have a feeling shes praying Im not gay.

She doesn't want me looking at anything to do with homosexuality and regurlarly walks in on me when Im on the computer now and just stands there. It's horribly uncomfortable

That is a nice suggestion.

Heebie

If they regularly ask you if you have a girlfriend.. they probably suspect that you don't. When they ask that might be a VERY receptive time to explain to them that you aren't looking for one... or that you have a boyfriend. (if you do, obvisously.)

When I was outed to my folks at 18.. my Dad actually showed me his journal (that's male-speak for "diary" ;] ) and he'd written an entry when I was about 6 that just said, "I think Todd might be gay."

I was pretty surprised.. and also a bit annoyed that he'd never gone out of his way to let me know it was alright.. but he was a lot cooler with the whole thing than my Mum.

She freaked out and I got to hear things like "*I* didn't raise *MY* son to be one of *THOSE*" and "No *FRIEND* of yours will ever be welcome in *MY* house."

She got used to it.. and made sure she told me in no uncertain terms that she loves me regardless of my sexuality. It took about 10 years, but she started asking me when I was going to "bring home a Chris." (Chris being a reference to my cousin Brian's lover, and now husband.. they live someplace where it's legal.. and their wedding was great craic with 5 generations of the family in attendance ranging in age from 80+ years to 8- months.)

I wish you the best of luck! and no.. you definitely should NOT feel guilty.

SayWhaaat wrote: »

Thanks everyone. You've all calmed my nerves somewhat

I've been told one of my flaws is that I constantly try to put people before myself. It leads to alot of over thinking and stress on my part.

I know my sexuality will come as a shock to them as my parents regurlarly ask if I have any girlfriends. If I hang around with a girl they assume too much and I panic. Plus I'm not effeminite at all.

Thank you so much everyone for the advice.