Feedback Please

WHU

I would love to hear any feedback on this short story, hope you enjoy.
Thanks in advance.


“The Visitors” (1433 Words)


Mark turned over in the bed, well aware of the increasing pain in his stomach, “**** it!” he silently cursed to himself. Looking at the clock which partially illuminated the room with its digital eerie green glow: 3:13am
“Better get up now for a wee or else I will be awake all night,” he thought trying to motivate himself into moving. At forty-five this was becoming a nightly occurrence, no matter how many times he went before bedtime it made no difference come the hours between three and four am, he knew he’d be making the trip to the bathroom.
As the pressure in his bladder increased, he slowly pulled back the covers trying not to wake Cathy, his wife of twenty years. Mark in his half-asleep mode, with eyes only half opened he made his way to the bedroom door. “****!” he hissed as he stubbed his toe on the bedside drawers, a loud angry “Tut!” coming from his wife still bundled up under the covers but still showing her annoyance at being disturbed. Mark looked and pulled a face towards his sleeping wife, “It’s alright for you, you never have to get up.” he thought as he bent down rubbing his throbbing toe. “Great, I’m never going to get back to sleep now!”
Placing his foot on the floor and opening the door the night light that was in the hall dimly lit the way to the bathroom. Even though their two children, Paul and Ellie, were old enough to sleep in the dark now, Mark preferred to leave some sort of light on in the hall, his excuse was for the children but with his late night visits to the bathroom becoming more and more frequent, it was really now for his benefit. Anyway, the light was one of those ones that plug in the wall, which only just lit along the floor, not bright enough to disturb anyone’s sleep.
Mark, still half asleep entered the bathroom, shutting the door and undoing the string tie that held his shorts in place, he headed for the toilet, putting the seat down. Much preferring this lazier way for going for a pee in the dark, he could just sit there and let it flow whilst at the same time staying in a state of semi consciousness. He often thought that standing there, trying to aim in the dark would not have been his best idea. As he sat, he felt the relief as the pressure being released from his stomach, bought a small grin to his face. He started to slip slightly back into a dream state; a rustling noise came from the corner of the bathroom. His eyes snapped open looking for the sound he had just heard, nothing. He was positive he had heard something “Silly, ****er! I must have been dreaming.” Mark was about to stand when he heard the noise again, he stopped, in a half-crouched position with his shorts still round his ankles.
Mark jumped as something tugged at his hanging penis, the sudden pain was incredible, the pulling became more vigorous as Mark reached between his legs and felt a something hanging from his man hood. A sickening wave ran through his body as Mark stumbled forward, screaming, trying to pull free of the wiggling body, finally tripping over his shorts and his body now in free fall. Mark saw a blinding white flash as his face crashed off the sink basin smashing a chunk off the white porcelain. Darkness now followed as Mark stopped screaming and faded into the welcoming oblivion, with his skull cracked open and blood freely running from the wound Mark now laid on the floor exposed and totally helpless to his attacker.
The other creature that lurked hidden in the darkness, sniffing the air, could now smell the sweet blood and could sense that the prey had become an easier target crept forward eager to take his fill before the others came to share in the feast.
Cathy sat up in her bed convinced the scream was real but still now there was only silence she had to doubt herself as sleep was still blocking her thoughts. Crying, she could just make out Ellie trying to control her sobbing. “It’s okay sweetheart, mummy’s coming!” she said pulling back the covers and making her way out into the hallway. As she passed the closed door to the bathroom she was sure she heard a movement from within “Mark!” she said sharply “You’ve gone and scared Ellie now with your getting up again!” the shuffling sound stopped but no answer, she carried on towards her daughters bedroom “Shh! I’m here now everything’s alright pet.” Looking further down to Paul’s open door, all she could hear was gentle snoring. Opening the door, she entered Ellie’s room “What’s all the fuss about then?” Ellie looked petrified but just laid there with the covers pulled up to her chin still sobbing “Another nightmare sweetie?” Cathy continued as she sat on the edge of the bed next to her daughter. Ellie shook her head “It was Daddy, he screamed!” Cathy looked at Ellie as the realisation and she too had heard it but had been convinced it was a dream. “You just wait there pet, while mummy goes and sees what trouble Daddy got himself into.” She tried to speak in a calm, quiet tone so not to upset Ellie anymore than she already was. “He’s probably dropped something on his foot again.” She said trying to smile, as she made her way back into the hall and towards the bathroom, “Christ that boy would sleep through anything!” she thought as she paused outside the closed door.
“Mark are you okay?” The same noise she had heard earlier suddenly stopped again, “Mark! You better not be up to anything in there, I’m coming in!” Cathy made more noise opening the door than was necessary more as a final warning to Mark that she meant it, she opened the door, darkness. “Mark?” Cathy’s voice trembled as the words left her lips. Stepping into the bathroom, she turned the light on.
The scene before her took a few seconds to sink in, on the floor in a pool of blood was the remains of a body, it was torn to shreds it was covered in black shapes, all starring at her with their yellow evil looking eyes that looked like slits reflecting the light. Large incisor teeth glistening with dripping blood snarling at her, the scene was like a picture nothing moved until. A scream which started in Cathy’s stomach and growing as it came up through her body and exploded like shattering glass in her mind, everything burst into movement. The creatures leapt from the body straight for her, a few climbed her legs, their razor sharp claws tore into her skin and bit straight into the soft flesh of her thighs, the scream in Cathy’s head never ceased it was like a siren that never escaped from her mouth. The evil creatures sucked the blood from her legs some now climbing her body sinking their sharp teeth into other soft parts they found, the last thing Cathy saw before her mind completely gave up on any rational thought, was the toilet over spilling with more of these evil creatures invading her bathroom.
Cathy’s body fell to the ground, the creatures scattered away from the feast they had been enjoying, they had not expected the fall but the retreat was only brief for as one they attacked again with such ferocity that Cathy was dead within seconds.
The creatures enjoyed their fill, gorging themselves on the soft flesh and sucking the warm, sweet blood. One of the attackers had eaten through the soft cheek and was now tugging at the tongue trying to pull it free, back through the whole it had made. Another was eating an eyeball all that remained between the creature and the body were the strands that used to hold the eye in place. The feast was over quickly for the amount of creatures was many and yet still more spewed forth from the toilet.
The black vicious creatures entered the hallway, pausing shortly, sensing easier prey; they could hear the sobbing of a young human. Their kill had excited them for never before had they tasted and drunk something so good, they wanted more. The creatures were no longer afraid of humanity and their world; they were going to take back this abundant kingdom of food.
For the rats were many…

EileenG

Channeling Stephen King?

Sorry, I couldn't take this seriously as a horror story just because it is so far removed from anything that is possible. While it is feasible that one rat might get into a house and scare a guy pissing at night (by the way, anyone who has to pee that often knows how to get to the bathroom without stubbing his toes), there is no way that many of them could get in. Even if they did, one adult male human would provide more food than they could possibly eat, never mind driving them to attack other mobile humans. Rats like food, but they eat a few grams a day, mostly cereals or fruit.

Did you do any research on black rats? www.the-piedpiper.co.uk/th1b.htm Not that scary.

Just a small niggle, the ages don't add up. Any guy old enough to have a wonky prostate would not have young children, they would be teenagers at least.

dcmu

EileenG wrote: »

Channeling Stephen King?

Sorry, I couldn't take this seriously as a horror story just because it is so far removed from anything that is possible. While it is feasible that one rat might get into a house and scare a guy pissing at night (by the way, anyone who has to pee that often knows how to get to the bathroom without stubbing his toes), there is no way that many of them could get in. Even if they did, one adult male human would provide more food than they could possibly eat, never mind driving them to attack other mobile humans. Rats like food, but they eat a few grams a day, mostly cereals or fruit.

Did you do any research on black rats? www.the-piedpiper.co.uk/th1b.htm Not that scary.

Just a small niggle, the ages don't add up. Any guy old enough to have a wonky prostate would not have young children, they would be teenagers at least.

In fairness, nobody told you a story about a vampire from space was unrealistic. I'm not having a go, but it's quite clear this story was never intended to be founded in reality.
And I know at least one 45 year-old with young kids (not sure how his prostate is doing, but it's not a stretch to suppose it can happen some).

OP, I quite liked it, and the style you wrote it in. But you could have told this story in half the number of words. There's way too much detail here, and it looks like you tried to stretch it out. Him banging his toe, is hackneyed, and as Eileen said, unlikely. You could have given some background to the protagonist, or his family, and got your 1500 words that way, and told a much more intriguing story. Instead you told us how he undoes his pants.

ToasterSparks

Hey there.

It took a bit of staying power at the beginning to keep reading - I was wondering if you were going to have one long descriptive piece about a guy going for a pee. But the story was different, if just something I wouldn't be overly interested in.

One piece of advice that would definitely improve that piece - go back and find every 'ing' verb you used and change it. Change them all. It'll make the piece so much better.

For example:

Looking at the clock which partially illuminated the room with its digital eerie green glow: 3:13am

could be changed to

He looked at the clock which partially illuminated the room with its eerie, digital, green glow: 3:13am


But a nice piece all the same. I can get a good sense of the characters emerging already.

EileenG

dcmu wrote: »

In fairness, nobody told you a story about a vampire from space was unrealistic.

No, but all the bits of my story that were based on earth had to conform to earth norms. If you did a u-turn on the highway, you got a ticket from the cops.

If this was based in space, and black rats had been breeding in the bowels of space ships, then this story would be much more effective, simply because the reader would not have personal experience to say this wouldn't happen. Would you consider moving it to a space ship?

Having had rats in my house, I know how noisy they are. One rat might manage to escape detection for a day or two, a swarm of them would deafen you.

dcmu

EileenG wrote: »

No, but all the bits of my story that were based on earth had to conform to earth norms. If you did a u-turn on the highway, you got a ticket from the cops.

If this was based in space, and black rats had been breeding in the bowels of space ships, then this story would be much more effective, simply because the reader would not have personal experience to say this wouldn't happen.

Having had rats in my house, I know how noisy they are. One rat might manage to escape detection for a day or two, a swarm of them would deafen you.

I see what you're saying, but i think the juxtaposition of normality against a bizarre event, serves to heighten the impact of the terror.
A movie I'm reminded of is Arachnophobia. Not a truly classic movie by any means, but similarly, it's a very unlikely infestation of man-eating creatures in an average world. in fact, there's an obvious attempt to make the town it's set in as sleepy and as twee as possible. Why do you think that is? Surely it would have been much more realistic to set the movie in South America, for instance. But they didn't because they knew the impact they could invoke by placing the action somewhere we expect to be safe.

I agree with the principle of what you're saying. you can't just give your characters the ability to mind-read, for example, simply because you want to. There needs to be a certain amount of discipline. But in the genre of horror, or fantasy, or science-fiction, you have a lot more liberty. And believe it or not, we have to take liberties, when writing. As much as we like to forget it, as writer's, we're in the business of entertainment. Sometimes we need to stretch things, in order to do so.

EileenG

Of course, you can have a swarm of rats, but if you do, you have to build the tension. Lots of rustling noises, maybe a disappearing pet, movement seen out of the corner of your eye. If you have a perfectly mundane scene, and then drop in a swarm of man-eating rats without warning, it doesn't work.

WHU

Thank you for the replies both positive and negative.
I can now see the points you have raised about too many mundane words I was just trying to set a scene of normality but well worth bearing in mind about how to go about this.
A very good point on the "ing" verbs, the way it was worded made me smile but definately would make better writing.
As for knowing there were rats nesting in the house, maybe my fault for not wording it better but it was meant to come across as their first incursion into the house and I do take on your point of staying within earthly norms but without any stretch of the immagination horror would surly come accross pretty mundane.
"a wonky prostate" made me smile, it was never mentioned. Myself I'm not quite 45, I definately don't have any problem with the old prostate (unfortunately had it checked recently but thats another story) but I'm up practically every night for a late night pee (Unless I misunderstood your point, then please ignore).
Thaks again all, you have all given me plenty to think about

EileenG

Readers will make assumptions. A guy who has been married for 20 years and who is having lots of middle of the night peeing will be assumed to have a wonky prostate. You obviously had yours checked for a reason. Similarly a female character who finds a lump in her breast will be assumed to have cancer, and pains in the chest will indicate a heart condition, unless you say otherwise.

The trouble is, with horror, you have to build the suspense. The way this story is constructed, it could have been an earthquake, a fire, a rampaging burglar or any other unforeseen disaster. There is no sense of horror, just a shock.

I reckon all your readers will be thinking "Yeah, rats are nasty, but how could that many of them get in, and all be so hungry they'd attack humans, without any warning?" If you build in some warning that the reader picks up, but the characters don't, then it will work better.

WHU

Cheers Eileen, very good point about the suspense, it was just a shock with no horror build up, it is definately something I am going to work on.
Actually now you have mentioned about age etc I can see how readers will make that assumption.

Cheers..

pickarooney

I felt the piece was dragged out at the beginning and rushed at the end, which is fine if there is sudden change of pace cobsistent with the slow build up. It reads as though you rushed writing the latter half, actually, as there are a number of clumsy mistakes which jump out even re-reading it quickly. Senences and paragraphs all run into one another.

The creatures leapt from the body straight for her, a few climbed her legs, their razor sharp claws tore into her skin and bit straight into the soft flesh of her thighs, the scream in Cathy’s head never ceased it was like a siren that never escaped from her mouth. The evil creatures sucked the blood from her legs some now climbing her body sinking their sharp teeth into other soft parts they found, the last thing Cathy saw before her mind completely gave up on any rational thought, was the toilet over spilling with more of these evil creatures invading her bathroom.

I didn't find anything remotey contradictory or abnormal about a 45 year old with young children and a prostate/incontinence problem and would be prepared to suspend disbelief on the behaviour of the rats (don't most horror stories involve harmless objects or creatures possessed by evil?). However, as the story begins and ends essentially in a couple of paragraphs, it's just too rushed.

eastwest

Needs editing. Less is more.

WHU

Thank you again for all the imput

WHU

Sorry to drag you all back to this thread.
I just have a quick question and I thought here is probably the best place to post.

Aside of the mistakes made ie: Some of the sentences and paragraphs running into one another.
How do you make a slow start to a story (let's say normality) without all of the mundane things going on (granted not the stubbing of the toe :rolleyes:)?
I have read books that go into massive amounts of unnecessary detail.
How do you know when it is too much?

Would anybody with a good deal of knowledge consider doing a sticky on editing and tips for newbies, I know myself it would be of great help. Maybe just a thread where posters could just add to as and when they come accross anything of interest.

pickarooney

WHU wrote: »

How do you make a slow start to a story (let's say normality) without all of the mundane things going on (granted not the stubbing of the toe :rolleyes:)?
I have read books that go into massive amounts of unnecessary detail.
How do you know when it is too much?

That's something I would love to hear others' opinions on myself. We need a thread that discusses the dos and don'ts. Let me come up with a subject header...


edit:
http://www.boards.ie/vbulletin/showthread.php?t=2055830752

EileenG

If there was a perfect way to start a story, I wish I knew it. But definitely lots of boring mundane details are not the way.

In this story, I might start with something that looked ordinary to the people in the story, but made the reader sit up and say "Something bad is happening here". The equivalent of the scary music in horror films while the victims are making popcorn.

There are trends in writing, just as there are in films and fashion, and one that is popular now is to start in the middle of an important scene. Throw the reader right into the middle of the action (this can be emotional action, not just guns blazing) and add in the backstory later.

Start your story where someone is doing something. I'm told that editors automatically bin anything which starts with a character waking up (unless he's waking up chained naked to a train line) or lying in bed thinking.