Am I Miss Havisham?

LegacyUser

My ex broke up with me a year ago and he kept in contact with me a LOT over this time and of course this gave me major hope of reconciliation but a couple of times I've had the strength to stop contact, even for a few months at one point, as it was very painful at times to be with him yet not be his gf. but then i contacted him again and he maintained a lot of the contact after that.

I have broken contact now again and told him not to contact me anymore (which I had never done before) but its still killing me. I feel like I'm a disaster as its been a year since the split but he has initiated so much contact in that time that I hope its reasonable that I've found it impossible to move on. I still think about him lots and i'm still in love with him and my god i miss him so much.

I'm afraid that I'm gonna still be heartbroken in years to come and still feel so sad.
I don't feel as desperate as i have felt over the year but I certainly don't feel like I'm getting over him eg if i saw him with a new gf I would just die. it would kill me.

I'm wondering should i get some counselling and have other people felt like things were dragging on but then felt better in time?

Angus Og

No, you have a while to go before you get that bad.

First of all, you need time to get over it, so don't be so hard on yourself. That whole keeping up contact after the split is just dangerous, and as you know yourself, it's what has you feeling this way.

Is he that hard to avoid? I mean does he live nearby, or do you often see him otherwise?

You did the right thing by cutting off contact, you just need more time to feel the effect.

I think Ms. Havisham's problem was that she failed to recognise the right thing to do. You haven't.

LegacyUser

Angus Og wrote: »

That whole keeping up contact after the split is just dangerous, and as you know yourself, it's what has you feeling this way.

Is he that hard to avoid? I mean does he live nearby, or do you often see him otherwise?

He's very easy to avoid but he just hasn't given me the chance to.
In the few months after the split he was in touch most days but more recently its been each week. I was even trying to get my head around things a couple of times since Nov but then he'd text me again and I was back into it and thinking of him loads again.

I think i'm in a cycle now and its very hard to have the will power that I need to keep up the no contact. Really want to feel better but also want to see him again. Theres been no contact for a month now.

Angus Og

This might be awkward, but was the reason for the split very bad? Why did you break up if you can't keep from contacting one another?

What I'm saying is, if there was a good reason to be apart, then that is how it should stay.

LegacyUser

Angus Og wrote: »

This might be awkward, but was the reason for the split very bad? Why did you break up if you can't keep from contacting one another?

What I'm saying is, if there was a good reason to be apart, then that is how it should stay.

we broke up because he said he wasn't in love with me anymore

Angus Og

Well, then I think you should part. Not many men would say that without severely questioning their own hearts.

I don't think anyone should have their feelings played with, and I'm sure that there is someone waiting for you. Seek and you will find.

trio

This could sound dramatic but would you consider deleting his number from your phone?

Then you won't text him in a moment of weakness/drunkeness.

Yes, I know you probably consider him to be a friend, but there are some friends we just don't need.

We definately don't need a friend who says he not in love with you and then keeps you hanging on in case he feels lonely and his new single life starts to lose it's novelty.

The good news is that you have a good sensible head on your shoulders. You are giving yourself good advice - what you need to keep doing is listening to your brain.

He sounds like a typical person who likes to keep pally with the person he's dumped because if you are still smiley and friendly to him, then he can't be the **** he fears he is for breaking your heart. "See? She's all chatty to me! I must be a great guy!"

Miss Fluff

You poor thing OP, big hug to you, have been there and there is no worse feeling. And the awful feeling of thinking that you will never get over it. You will, and while it sounds like a cliche, time is a great healer. In order to let yourself get over him, you have to be 100% committed to the no contact rule. You have to pretend he is dead. By that, delete his number, remove him from any social networking sites, tell any mutual friends you don't even want his name mentioned. You get the picture. You can only get over him when not a single solitary crumb of him remains in your life. It will get easier with time but you have to be really strict with yourself m'dear.

MaggieZ

Miss Fluff wrote: »

You poor thing OP, big hug to you, have been there and there is no worse feeling. And the awful feeling of thinking that you will never get over it. You will, and while it sounds like a cliche, time is a great healer. In order to let yourself get over him, you have to be 100% committed to the no contact rule. You have to pretend he is dead. By that, delete his number, remove him from any social networking sites, tell any mutual friends you don't even want his name mentioned. You get the picture. You can only get over him when not a single solitary crumb of him remains in your life. It will get easier with time but you have to be really strict with yourself m'dear.

Couldn't agree more. It's hard to stay away, but you have to if you want to move on. And you will move on. I know a friend who was suicidal over a break up and now he's happily married to another person. Stay strong!

theg81der

I would be afraid he`s trying to veer into f%$buddy territory? is that possible Op, has anything been happening between you that would make it impossible for you to get over him? Sorry if I`m off base but have seen my friends/sisters fall into this trap.

I think you need to literally DECIDE its behind you and gone. I know it sounds a bit naf but meditation/visualisation might help, see that he is part of youR past and behind you, look ahead to your future focus on visualising your goals for yourself for the future, see yourself meeting someone else and being happy or receiving some award thats important to you or just visualise yourself happy and confident completely over him, the you of 5 years into the future will find it hard to remember this guys name.

LegacyUser

Hi OP. Have been in a similar situation to you. Have been friends with the ex for quite a while and even though I know its over and its only a friendship we have there is still that 'false hope' with all the contact. Like someone on the forum told me I've turned into his doormat. As long as you are in contact with your ex you will still have those hopes of reconciliation. One day you might be friends with him but for now concentrate on yourself, get yourself out there and meet new people. I'm doing the same. Good luck. x

LegacyUser

theg81der wrote: »

I would be afraid he`s trying to veer into f%$buddy territory? is that possible Op, has anything been happening between you that would make it impossible for you to get over him? Sorry if I`m off base but have seen my friends/sisters fall into this trap.

I think you need to literally DECIDE its behind you and gone. I know it sounds a bit naf but meditation/visualisation might help, see that he is part of youR past and behind you, look ahead to your future focus on visualising your goals for yourself for the future, see yourself meeting someone else and being happy or receiving some award thats important to you or just visualise yourself happy and confident completely over him, the you of 5 years into the future will find it hard to remember this guys name.

Well we were sleeping together recently but that was totally my idea and he still knew I had feelings for him and we had a great time together but then a few days later I'd feel awful because obviously I wanted more but I did want sex also. He definitely didn't veer me in this way though. 100% me.

I think I've decided the opposite of what you're saying though. I feel like I still love him as much as I ever did and I kinda hoped that I would even love him less by now. And I just don't.

theg81der

(That was my polite way of saying if I had a million euro I`d bet your still sleeping with him). The point was its a trap most girls fall into, and I don`t care how enlihgtened you think you are, how horny you are and how much you think you can handle it - newsflash you can`t, no one can.

Stop it right now, just stop, your following the normal routine of a girl whose had her heart broken and desperately wants him back, just decide to skip this step and move on to the one where you are happy without him.

If your horny have a cold shower or even better get out and meet someone new to sleep with who you have a chance of a future with, yes thats right I`m mean and I said YOU HAVE NO CHANCE OF A FUTURE WITH THIS GUY!! Ok I think you need to hear that.

Good luck!

extra-ordinary_

trio wrote: »

This could sound dramatic but would you consider deleting his number from your phone? ...

Tell him to STOP contacting you! If he continues then you know he has no consideration for your feelings. Change your number if he still persists.

LegacyUser

draggingon wrote: »

I have broken contact now again and told him not to contact me anymore (which I had never done before) but its still killing me. I feel like I'm a disaster as its been a year since the split but he has initiated so much contact in that time that I hope its reasonable that I've found it impossible to move on. I still think about him lots and i'm still in love with him and my god i miss him so much.

I have already stopped contact with him and told him to leave me alone so this is something I hadn't done before so its a good step forward for me.

Obviously I've deleted his number but I'm not thick. Its in my memory and probably will be for ages. If I could forget that number, I swear it would be fantastic. I know what I've to do.

music lover 2

HI OP

IMO NO Contact is the only way to move on I got dumped over 2 weeks ago and its very difficult but no conatct is the only way to go

a.It gives you time to grieve and eventually move to acccepatnce I Hope in my case:)
b. You are taking control of the situation
b.It show your ex you do not want to play game

I have really struggled over the last 2 weeks (fantsizing that he will call, in denial about what happenend waking up with that sad feeling and thinking oh no not another day of this! and yesterday was horrendous but its better that I know my relatioship is over.The pain and upset I am feeling now will pass......... and so will yours

No Contact is not about playing games, a ploy used to get your ex back.It is to help you and only you get over the heartache

But it still hurts like hell:mad: best of luck

ML2