Suicidal ideation

LegacyUser

Let me first state that I am not suicidal, but I am experiencing the above state (Suicidal ideation). I will not kill myself for two reasons mainly;one I don't have the guts and two, I don't want my parents to suffer such a terrible loss. They are old now and don't deserve that.
However I think I have an understanding of my condition. I am on Zispin at the moment and it has made me feel better but I still feel the same way about myself (self-disgust, worthlessness, self-obsession, the usual roll-call)
Symptoms of Suicidal ideation (according to wikipedia) are "Psychomotor agitation", "Anhedonia",anxiety and insomnia. I know some of you would question the accuracy of wikipedia (I do myself sometimes) but I am definitely experiencing these feelings and it's not very nice I can tell you.
I have suffered from depression before in my life (it comes from my Dad) and have come out the other side but this time it is different. Before I got over it by going on meds which made me forget it and move on. This time it is different, it's hard to explain, I have imagined standing in front of a train but I know I won't do it (or will I?).
My GP is making an appointment with a psychiatrist for me. I am rambling now, I am confused, upset, I feel a sense of hopelessness. Every day is hard, the normal thiings I used to love to do I am now unable to do them anymore.
I'm not a man really, I can't cope with everyday life, other guys are successful with women, they are funny, popular, witty, good company. Me? I can hardly stand myself anymore.
I could have a lot of things wrong with me or maybe just one. I just want to get better, I am in my mid-thirties now and have done nothing with my life. I am suffering a lot, I just want this pain to end. This is bad, I don't even know why I posted this.
I live a sad pathetic life an I hate myself for it. Sorry for wasting your time.

Kevster

What's this about 'being a man'? I can assure you that you are a real man, no matter what you think. Never feel that you have to live up to any particular standard. Instead, be proud of who you are, and let people know the real 'you'. Stop hiding behind whatever veil it is you have up; and show the workd who you are and what you can do.

Having come through a major bout of depression too, I understand this notion of suicide ideation, as i have such thoughts on my mind 24/7.

kevin

KnocKnocKnock

From reading your post, I have seen a lot of good qualities that you don't seem to see yourself (probably due to the depression).

You are thinking about your parents and how your suicide would effect them. This shows you are considerate and have empathy.

Your analysis of your situation shows you are thorough and intelligent.

You have lived with and come through years of depression - that shows a great deal of stregnth.

You have gone to your GP, have taken and continue to take, steps to improve your situation. That shows that you have "get up and go" and initiative. You are not in denial, you have accepted things that would have been hard to accept and gone to get help - that takes more bravery and courage than a lot of people have. You may not believe this but I have a lot of respect for you just from reading your post.

As Kevster said, there is no "standard". Everyone has their own individual life, there is nothing that you are "supposed" to have done. Who has the right to decide what others should have done in life?

You are on the right track going to see a professional who can make things a bit clearer, I wish you the best of luck for the future

LegacyUser

Thank you for your kind words. The mornings are the worst, it's hard to face people when you feel, sorry you know you are being judged negatively by them.
The worst thing is that if they have a negative opinion of me, I actually agree wholeheartedly with them, I think they are 100% correct in that assumption.
I know the Zispin is making me feel a bit better but in reality it's just a drug making my mind lie to me. I know what's going on, I'm not stupid.