When you know it's right - so confused!

RadiantGirl

Hi Everyone

First off, I apologise if this is yet another thread on relationships but sometimes you guys are the best to chat to, because you give an honest and open opinion.

Basically I have been with my BF for 2 years and love him dearly, however we broke up at the weekend. It was my decision and he was/is devastated. For the past few weeks I have been doing alot of thinking and realised that I did not feel fully secure in my relationship with him. I never for one minute doubt how much he loves me but what brought the realtionship to an end last weekend was the fact that he does and never has thought about the future in anyway. It has been brought up a few times in the past about what he wants etc and he has always said "ah i dunno, iv never thought about it".

It has come to a stage that I felt I could not continue with a relationship that may or may not go somewhere. I was not the one holding back on moving us forward, he was. I was not looking for him to tell me he wants marriage, kids etc. What I wanted was to even talk about taking the next step in our relationship and even discuss living together. He said he doesn't know what he wants and that it may not work out etc.

I told him that he needs to think and decide what he wants in life and if he loves me as much as he says he does then hopefully he will be willing to think about progressing our relationship. I just couldn't carry on in a relationship when I didn't know if it would ever go somewhere. He did not want to break up at all but I went with my gut.

I heard from him over the past couple of days but that has died down now, maybe he's taking time to think I dunno....but this is killing me.

I am so sorry for the long post, I just need open opinions as any advice I have received is by friends/family and in fairness they are gonna tell me what I want to hear.

Thanks for reading if you have....im at my wits end xxx

Angus Og

Well, you made a stand for what you believe in. Who could blame you for that? Is he very laid back, or do you think that he has a fear of commitment?

It's not his fault if he does, some men are like that. I think you did the right thing by being open.

RadiantGirl

Hi Aungus Og

See he's kinda odd in a way, because some things he can be so uptight about and worry and talk about til the cows come home and things that should be important he doesn't seem to think about much.

He was burned before and sometimes I think that is holding him back but haven't we all, but most of us dust ourselves off, put it down to experience and move on.

I don't give 2 years to someone lightly if I don't see it going somewhere and it scares me that he is happy to plod along day by day. I could still be with him in 6 years living the relationship his way but I would probably still face the same situation. He says that he has never ever thought about the future and he doesn't know what he wants. He is shocked over the breakup and says that he will think about what he wants.

It's nearly a week now and have heard nothing since tuesday night. He asked could be come down to me, I asked for what and he said that he wanted to start talking. I asked him did he not think it was too soon and he text back saying yeah I was prob right and since then nothing.

Probably cause im a girl im thinking if he loves me the way he says he does then why is it taking him so long to think???

Peggypeg

Hey OP,

First of all big BIG HUG, your poor head must be wrecked. I think you've done the right thing to be honest. You want your relationship to move on and you've told him so. He sounds either a) - very immature, b)- has commitment issues or c) - is a lazy so and so. Do you really want to end up with a guy who is very immature/has commitment issues or is just so lazy he doesn't want the bother of progressing the relationship? The fact he has stopped trying to contact you makes me think that he knows you mean business but that's not enough to make him want to cop on. Honestly, I think you should cut all contact and move on, he sounds like a head wrecker to me. Why would you want to be with someone who doesn't know what they want? Look after yourself for the next while and concentrate on getting your life just how you want it.

ON THE OTHER HAND - if you guys are 15/16 to 20/21 please disregard all of the above and give him more time.

Miss Fluff

It's a tough one because you obviously still really care about him eventhough it's admirable standing up for what you believe in. I have a friend who is going out with a guy for 11 years and they broke up recently because he has no interest in marrying her and she begged him over a few months to come back and he still has no interest in marrying her and so they are back to square one. Those issues don't just disappear in a puff of smoke.

What are you thinking now? Are you prepared to forego living together for now/for a year/forever to stay with him? Or are you cut and dry about what you want, so for example if he doesn't move in with you in the next three months then you're not going to stand for it? As in now or never?

It's all about compromise and agreeing to what you both want/what will make you both happy. It seems a shame to split up if you really truly love one another but compromise is the only way forward by the looks of things. And essentially it's how you communicate that compromise. In his mind he might be thinking that because you want to move in together then he may be thinking you are also expecting an engagement soon too. If you didn't effectively communicate what you are both thinking then it's going to cause hurt and bewilderment on both sides.

Have a really good think about what you want/what you are prepared to compromise on, ask him to do the same, and then meet in a few weeks when you have really thought it all through. If it's worth fighting for then you should, but only when you've given it some proper thought.

RadiantGirl

Hi Peggy Peg

Thank you very much, I think it's a mixture of commitment issues and laziness. We are 27 and 30 so you can probably see why after 2 years I am looking for some kind of progression....I don't want him to tell me when he wants kids/marriage/bingo dates etc but I do want to know it's going somewhere...

RadiantGirl

Hi Miss Fluff

Everything was communicated 110%, over 10 hours of talking and crying. Yes I am definately willing to compromise 200000% but he also needs to think of what he wants. I am not asking to move in together even this year but I want to know that eventually we will progress and not just plod along staying over in each other houses. Sometimes I feel like a glorified FB packing a bag, staying in his and then going home.

I think he needs to figure out what he wants before we can even talk about anything. He did text from Sunday until Tuesday and on Tuesday he text saying he wanted to come down and talk. I told him that I thought maybe it was too soon and he text back agreeing with me. He said that he is thinking and he wants us to try new things together but that his steps seem to be far smaller then mine. In fairness I think after 2 years his are hamster steps while mine are normal steps, maybe im wrong but thats what I think.

I just dread him not coming back to me at all, to tell me eitherway that either he does/doesn't want anything.

Im broken at the moment and I know that I did this by ending it. I didn't go out to end it but I can not stay with someone who does not see any type of future with me at all.

I just don't know.....god all this stuff is so hard

Miss Fluff

You poor thing. He will come back to you and either way you will hopefully have a decision on what he wants for both of you. Hopefully this time will be the break he needs to get the finger out and realise what he could lose. Chin up girl, you're right to stand up for what you believe in.

RadiantGirl

Thanks Miss Fluff, but I also have to face facts that he may not come back....in my heart i don't think it's the end but maybe thats just me being stupid cause then I also think why is it taking him so long....

I would love to hear from some guys on this and get it from their perspective.....

Peggypeg

RadiantGirl wrote: »

Hi Miss Fluff

Everything was communicated 110%, over 10 hours of talking and crying. Yes I am definately willing to compromise 200000% but he also needs to think of what he wants. I am not asking to move in together even this year but I want to know that eventually we will progress and not just plod along staying over in each other houses. Sometimes I feel like a glorified FB packing a bag, staying in his and then going home.

I think he needs to figure out what he wants before we can even talk about anything. He did text from Sunday until Tuesday and on Tuesday he text saying he wanted to come down and talk. I told him that I thought maybe it was too soon and he text back agreeing with me. He said that he is thinking and he wants us to try new things together but that his steps seem to be far smaller then mine. In fairness I think after 2 years his are hamster steps while mine are normal steps, maybe im wrong but thats what I think.

I just dread him not coming back to me at all, to tell me eitherway that either he does/doesn't want anything.

Im broken at the moment and I know that I did this by ending it. I didn't go out to end it but I can not stay with someone who does not see any type of future with me at all.

I just don't know.....god all this stuff is so hard

27 and 30????? Defo commitment issues. I was thinking maybe you can work it out but at 27 and 30 if he doesn't even want to live together I'd be running a mile. At this stage I don't see anything good coming from you getting back with him, it'll probaby be 'oh yeah we'll move in', then you'll turn 28 (I'm 27 too by the way), then 29, then 30, then you might move in, get engaged around 40, too late to have kids . Honestly, I think he's a headwrecker, if he had gone out and found you an apartment and come on bended knee apologised for making you wait and leaving you in the dark then I MIGHT reconsider but to be honest I really don't think I would even then, I'd be so fed up. I think you've already done the hard part by ending it, now all you have to do it move on. It's easier said than done I know but I'm sure you'll be grand. Also I don't think I said it earlier but fair play to you for speaking up. I wish you the very best of luck in whatever way it goes.