Seperation from Mother - still an issue at 30?

LegacyUser

Briefly, having decided to trace my family tree recently, I discovered that I was seperated from my mother at birth. I was put into an industrial school for 6 months on the day of my birth. My mother had been ill and the state 'kindly' decided to look after me until she was able to get back on her feet again.
My mother is now deceased. We had a very, very bad relationship. I often thought I was adopted. I have always had a 'need' in me, be it with boyfriends, friends etc. Always felt that no one really wanted me to be in their company, to be around. I have suffered with depression on and off and have had some counselling and I thought I had dealt with my issues around my mother.
But this information has now opened a whole can of worms for me.
My mother was not allowed to visit me, and now that I'm a mum myself, I know that this obvioulsy had a very, very negative affect on our relationship.
I'm not sure where to go with this? While this explains alot to me, I'm lost. Should I go back to counselling? I'd like to see if there's anyone who has experienced something similar.
On the one hand, I feel that this seperation explains my whole life. Like how could you bond with a 6 month old baby who you only saw on the day of her birth?
My mother didn't tell me any of this. It was a family secret I believe. And now she's not here to ask her how it was for her, and to ask her if she doesn't feel she bonded with me at all.
Advice?

PopUp

I just want to check I'm reading this right - you had counselling a few years ago which helped you, and since that time your mother has died, you discovered you spent the first six months of your life in an industrial school, and you have become a mum yourself.

Oh sweetie I think you should definitely go back. Any one of the above happening is reason enough to throw you off-balance. They are all so much to deal with. I think what you are going through is totally natural and understandable. If counselling helped you before, I would go right back.

Kimia

I am in agreement with Peggy - counselling will help with your feelings of abandonment and hurt.

But I also find that a couple of things really help when something from your past has really f*cked you up.

1. It's the past - there's nothing you can do about it and there is no way to get any sort of control over it. If you keep trying you will feel more and more out of control. The only thing you can control is how you deal with yourself in the here and now (ie go to counselling).

2. Try to let go and forgive. Say to yourself that you are who you are because of what happened to you in the past. That it has made you into the person you are today and that's not a bad thing. That's a good thing - you are you because of what happened to you, not in spite of.

Novella

Separation from your mother will always be an issue in your life, imo. Personally, my own mother went back to work when I was five weeks old and left me with my grandparents. Let's just say I was 'unplanned' and she was highly career orientated. I came to form my maternal bond with my grandmother and of course, my paternal bond with my grandfather. My own parents were then on the sidelines of my life, so to speak and still are, I suppose, to this day.

I think one of the most painful things anyone can experience is abandonment in any form from their own mother. That hurts deep and it's one of those things that, I think, are pretty much unfixable. I know the choice to walk away from your own baby can't be easy but what could ever hurt more than thinking you weren't loved by your mother in the same way as most other people?

I am sorry to hear that she is deceased now. It rules out the possibilty of you two ever talking about this. I definitely suggest going back to see your counsellor. At least you will be able to speak openly and perhaps feel a bit better having gotten it off your chest. Best of luck to you in the future.

LegacyUser

hi
i have some idea how you feel op, when you feel rejected and unwanted by the one person who should love you no matter what then you doubt everyone and feel unwanted no matter where you go, i have felt like this for years now my mam cut contact with me years ago and i have to say the pain of that rejection is awful now almost 10 years later she wants contact again and i love her in a way but i dont want to put myself through that pain again and as far as im concerned things will never be the same again.
funny you mention it i also looked into geneology and history but in the back of my mind i think it was just my way of looking for somone to love me, i know what you mean when you say a need, its a need to have somone hug you and say its ok im here, and its a need to feel loved no matter what. im a mum now and i hug my kids every single day and tell them i love them because i know how important that is.
even still i think i will always be looking for a mother figure. i havent had councilling but if you felt it helped before then you should go again.

LegacyUser

Pop up, yes that's the story alright.
I have gotten my records from the maternity hospital and the industrial school. My mother didn't actually put me there - I was taken from her by the state. She was pretty ill (expected to die) and my dad worked f/t and had 5 other children to look after. I know this because there is a note on my file to say that my my mum and dad wouldnt give their consent - but a social worker (or the equivalent in 1979) took over my case. It appears that the easiest solution all around was that I would be put into a 'caring' environment until my mum was ready to look after me again.

Like I said, I'm not sure how I feel about this at all. I thought I was 'better'. Really thought I had dealt with my issues of rejection from my mum. Not really sure what I'd say to a counsellor if I went back. This situation really explains alot to me, I kind of want to apologise to my my mum for judging her so harshly while she was alive. Am I making sense?

LegacyUser

Hi OP. I just had to add my advice/opinion, as someone who was rejected by her mother also.

Firstly, I believe its very important that you know that your mother didn't actually reject you. From your post, it seems like it was forced on her. She didnt sign a consent form. Nor did your father. This country of ours has alot to answer for, and thats all Ill say on the issue of the 'state', who took you into care when you were newborn.

So she got a 6 month old baby home, having not seen her since the day she was born. Can you imagine how hard that was for her? Im a mother myself. I cant even begin to believe how difficult that was for your mother. Having said that - and I think this is your belief - she could have fought harder to bond with you. And without meaning to defend her, times were so different 30yrs ago. Was the word 'bonding' even used then? She had been terminally ill as you say - and she got her health back - and then she got her 6 month old baby back, and her other 5 kids. Can you just imagine that scenario???

I dont really know what im trying to say to you. I cant imagine that feeling of never being wanted by anyone thankfully as although I didnt have a great relationship with my mother either, my father made up for it.

Perhaps if you try to forgive her for not bonding with you? You said you felt that you had dealt with your issues around her. Perhaps you should visit her grave soon and give her some flowers and talk to her. That might sound insane, but my own mum died a few years ago too, and sometimes that helps me.

I am a firm believer in counselling. I have talked to friends/family over the years about issues that have affected me. And then I also went to counselling. And it was the best 70euro per hour I ever spent.

Your story is heartbreaking OP. I wish you all the best, whatever you decide to do with your new information.

LegacyUser

Christ OP, that must be tough. I'm one of those people who had a class mother (devoted, caring, pretty, classy) and it was still hell! Yet I'm so glad she was in my life. Can't imagine life without. Very tough. Counselling sounds like a good idea. Also you are lucky to be a mother and have a chance to explore your feelings that way, cause although I am devoted, caring. pretty and classy myself nature hasn't given me that chance. See that movie Precious, I'm suer your family is nothing like that, but it explains nicely how people can be 'like that'.

goodmum

Hi Op, What a very sad story.
You sound pretty angry at the state. have you thought of pursuing the reasons why you were put into this ind. school? Unfortunately, as your mum is deceased, you cannot get her to answer any of your questions.
Have you contacted the redress board? I know they are now closed etc - but they may be able to provide you with further information about how you were treated while in that school? It seems to me like you are now trying to put the pieces of the jigsaw together. You say you had dealt with your issues around your mother, now you might just need answers as to why, even when your mother or father didnt give their permission, you were taken.
It seemss its good that you have now traced your past because you say it explains things about you about your relationship with your mother. So thats a positive, is it not?
I also had a pretty bad relationship with my mother so can understand when you talk about that need you have. its like your always looking for someone to love you. Maybe if you find out more information, it will help you???

pookie82

Unreg1 wrote: »

Hi OP. I just had to add my advice/opinion, as someone who was rejected by her mother also.

Firstly, I believe its very important that you know that your mother didn't actually reject you. From your post, it seems like it was forced on her. She didnt sign a consent form. Nor did your father. This country of ours has alot to answer for, and thats all Ill say on the issue of the 'state', who took you into care when you were newborn.

So she got a 6 month old baby home, having not seen her since the day she was born. Can you imagine how hard that was for her? Im a mother myself. I cant even begin to believe how difficult that was for your mother. Having said that - and I think this is your belief - she could have fought harder to bond with you. And without meaning to defend her, times were so different 30yrs ago. Was the word 'bonding' even used then? She had been terminally ill as you say - and she got her health back - and then she got her 6 month old baby back, and her other 5 kids. Can you just imagine that scenario???

I dont really know what im trying to say to you. I cant imagine that feeling of never being wanted by anyone thankfully as although I didnt have a great relationship with my mother either, my father made up for it.

Perhaps if you try to forgive her for not bonding with you? You said you felt that you had dealt with your issues around her. Perhaps you should visit her grave soon and give her some flowers and talk to her. That might sound insane, but my own mum died a few years ago too, and sometimes that helps me.

I am a firm believer in counselling. I have talked to friends/family over the years about issues that have affected me. And then I also went to counselling. And it was the best 70euro per hour I ever spent.

Your story is heartbreaking OP. I wish you all the best, whatever you decide to do with your new information.

I totally agree with this poster. You weren't taken from your mother with consent, she was struggling with what sounds like a life threatening illness, she had five other children to try and cope with. By the time you came home it must have been extremely hard to bond with you. I'm not saying it's ok that for the rest of your life you then felt like some sort of outcast in your own family, but it does explain a lot.

It's a pity your mother isn't still alive to discuss her side of things. Maybe going back to talk it through with someone would be a good idea. I definitely think though that this new information is in some ways a good thing - you didn't feel "unloved" for no reason - there was a traumatic beginning to your arrival and your mum sounds like she never found how to cope properly with that.

Hope you work things out.