Life in tatters - What's the point anymore?

LegacyUser

I know there are a lot of people on here with far worse problems than me but I'm writing here for ppls experience and advice; because for the first time in my life i'm afraid of what's going to happen to me. My life is a constant train wreck and i can't cope anymore.

Bit of background...I was raised by my mum who suffered manic depression and had hospitalised on numerous occassions and we were had to be cared for by abusive relations who blamed us for her illness.

We always struggled tru our childhood, trying to mind my mam; and give the appearance that all was well, so she wouldn't be taken away from us. when i was 10yrs old I was abused by a neighbour and even after i told my mother and aunt - they did nothing, so's not to cause hassle. I always felt so inferior.

Fast forward to present day.. I'm a single parent of two children - who i've raised alone without support for 9yrs. We've been through some really really tough times over the years e.g. a very violent break up with my ex doing all in his power to make my life a misery.. but my kids and i have made it this far- they now teenagers. You'd think this is where it gets easier.

But over the past year my life as literally fallen apart bit by bit. Firstly my mam was diagnosed with cancer and we have been tru the chemo/radio treatments and now onto the hormone therapy.. the worry and stress of all that has caused a rift with the rest of my family and now none of us are talking.

Then I lost my job a year ago - and cannot make my mortgage payments - i am on the verge of losing my home.. i dont get supplimentary welfare payments to help. I had no choice but to bring the kids father to court for maintenance and won.. only to have a row with my eldest child (19) who moved out 3wks ago and stays with him at w/ends (he's in college rest of week) but things are getting worse - we are not making up and he is now living with the father.. who, after 3wks is now bringing me to court for maintenance for the child... I have the other child at home who is under 18, who is failing at school and suffers bout's of anxiety and depression (is constantly blaming me for the breakup & feeling so bad) i have sought medical advice for this and was advised counselling so i have brought both kids to counselling but after a few sessions they refuse to continue.

My ex is now back to his old abusive threatening behaviour.. laughed at me today and said he is going to bury me in court, if he doesn't stick a knife in my throat first.

I've been tru so much grief and sorrow in my life it's really affecting me.. i'm scared of these feelings that are so overwhelming lately. After years of abuse - I feel like I am a failure as a human being; even my children say it to me during rows - nothing seem's to go right for me.. even my friends are saying it. I have spent years worrying - trying to make ends meet and basically just provide for my family; and i was ok with that but now with everything - i really don't want life to go on. I'm sorry if that sounds dramatic but it's how i feel.. it scares me to feel this way because i even think about what's easiest way out of this life.. that is not normal. I keep telling myself my children need me; but i am not giving them a proper life. I can't get a job. We have no money only welfare benefits; they see me crying etc and i lose it and give out about their dad (i know i shouldn't, but sometimes he drives me nuts) But there is only so much i can take - i'm only human. if i retaliate at all i'm the worst in the world.. if i don't i just keep getting crap. it's like everyone dumps everyting on me. i just can't win. I always come out the worst of every situation.

I am so alone now in this world it's unreal - i have lost contact with friends and fallen out with family and about to lose all that i held so dear. in the 9yrs since we split I haven't met anyone.. only guys lookin for one night stands etc. My ex has destroyed my reputation; spreading vicious lies about me. I'm crying as i type this because it's first time i admitted this. But maybe their right and there is something really wrong with me as a person, only i can't see it. because i feel i'm a good person and try my best but no one seem's to notice or care? i just don't know anymore..

I try to stay positive and focus on any good in the world - but right now i can't see any. I have tried counselling in the past but didn't work for me. My doctor has prescribed xanax for me and that works ok.. but i'm in danger of becoming addicted at this stage... and that's not good either. I don't have energy for gym or the will to do anything anymore.

Thanks for taking time to read my post and i would welcome any advice/thoughts.

Please help?

Victor

First of all, I think you need someone to talk to, you say the counselling didn't work out, but do you want to try again. If you want a different dynamic, groups like AWARE www.aware.ie do group sessions and low cost one-to-one session.

I think there wouldn't be any harm in printing off what you wrote and bringing it to your doctor.

Broken1 wrote: »

Then I lost my job a year ago - and cannot make my mortgage payments - i am on the verge of losing my home.. i dont get supplimentary welfare payments to help.

You may be entitled to Mortgage Interest Supplement. Talk to your local community welfare officer. Also talk to MABS www.mabs.ie and ultimately your lender.

LegacyUser

I just read that, you have been through hell and far from being a 'loser' you are a survivor.

The only way is up, starting today. I have been through so much too and I never thought things could be better but the first step is reaching out, letting out the whole story and you've just done that.

I know you feel alone, believe me you are NOT, there are so many people out there going through all kinds. You are strong and you are a good person. As a teenager I too blamed my Mother for things that were not her fault and said terrible things, they were never true and I didn't mean them, there is a lot of pain in the family and you are absorbing too much.

Bad things happen to good people but there WILL be a break in the clouds. Its not you and its not your fault. No one should have to bear all that alone with no help.

T "real deal" J

Fair played to you for bringing up your 2 kids. No matter what happens you were there for them for the 9 years and you brought them up. They're givin out to you now but in time they'll realise this.

Don't mind your ex. Why does he have to taunt you and threaten you? It says more about him than you. The strongest thing you can do is completely ignore him and let him expend all this bad energy. If he's anything like you describe, I don't think your son will stay there that long.

Your mind is your greatest tool. I know it's extremely difficult at times but if you learn to control it and your emotions you will get through this. Try your best not to show fear, anxiety or anger when in conflict with your ex or son.

Contact those mortgage people Victor recommended. Even if you can't pay your mortgage bills i think there's a new law giving reprieve to people who are in arrears (part of the bailout). They won't repossess. Not in your circumstances(with a child).

Best of luck, this time next year you'll be in a better situation than now. Keep the chin up.

Victor

Oh, have a look at this thread: http://boards.ie/vbulletin/showthread.php?t=2055821932

LegacyUser

Hi, and Thanks for replies,

Victor i did apply for Mortgage interest relief through the community welfare officer - and was refused as they deemed in unaffordable at the time i got it. - this is true, because in order to secure a mortgage i lied on my application about my earnings ( this is my own fault i know) but i was only trying to secure a home for my family - had to do something to get one and was making the repayments while i was working. i contacted them in the beginning through mabs and offered to pay €100pw out of my social welfare, but haven't managed this either (there is so much to pay out, i can't cope) So i'll be in trouble either way if i go back to them now. I dug my own grave there, but seemed only option at the time. They haven't contacted me in months either - so i'm guessing they are preparing to go the legal route.. it's all such a terrible mess.. i'm consumed with worry/stress and sheer panic at my stupidity - proves again what a waste of space i really am.