Overweight Girlfriend

LegacyUser

Hi all, I seen a similar thread but it was directed on advice for someones boyfriend and I need advice on how to tell my girlfriend that she needs to lose weight.

She is short in height yet very heavy.

She knows herself that she is overweight yet doesn't do anything about it. Often she'll make comments if i'm not around that she hasn't eaten all day but then she's looking for a big take away beacause she hasnt eaten earlier ( which is lie she has eaten earlier etc)

Anyway as i said she knows herself and has what she calls "fat moments", where she'll get upset about being overweight. These generally happen if I get a text from old college friends, or work friends, who are girls. Also if clothes don't fit her etc.
When these moments arise she'll say to me do I tihnk she's fat and I just cant bring myself to say she is. I just say I tihnk she is perfect (which is true for the most part, just her weight).
Then if she suggests to do excercise etc I promote it saying, "Def can't be too healthy" etc.

For my own part I'm quite fit, gym and sport with a very high metabilism, so I can eat a lot and burn it off easily anyway, however I have cut down big time just so when I order somethin when we're out or whatever she'd never order more than me, just as much.

She also has no interest in playing a sport or going gym or swimming etc.

I feel i've done what I can without openly saying somethin but can't bring myself to say it.

Help!

Stheno

How can you feel you've done what you can without openly saying something? Basically you are lying to her everytime you tell her she is perfect?

Sounds to me like she knows she is overweight, and possibly wants to do something about it, but being told she is perfect is no motivation.

shellyboo

No point lying to the girl. To be honest, I've little time for the "do you think I'm fat" brigade - she knows herself she is and she's choosing not to do anything about it. To my mind, that's fine - I'm overweight myself - but you can't moan and cry about being fat and not do anything to fix it if that's what you want.

Anyway, I'm rambling. Tough love is required methinks. Sit her down and tell her you know she's unhappy with her weight and that you think she should do something about it for her sake... That you love her and want her to be happy and will support her in any way she wants. This includes cutting out those takeaways, by the way.

She'll freak, and cry, and be angry - but it's either that or continue to have her be miserable about her body.

Angus Og

As nouggatti said, she sounds like she knows. She's probably afraid of sport, the gym and swimming because she's self conscious. All you can do is try to encourage her. You've already made a good start by cutting down, and that could work, but only over a long period of time.

Next time she brings it up, tell her you want to help her be happy, rather than saying she's perfect. She probably knows you're lying.

Darthhoob

honestly, you just need to tell her that if she feels that way, she needs to do something about it.

i'm on the larger side myself, my OH is like you, naturally slim and can eat loads and stay slim.....lucky git lol. i had a period where i would moan about my weight, but i lacked the motivation to do anything. and tbh...if you can get away with it...you will! so you saying she is perfect is telling her she doen't need to bother...so she isn't.
my OH doesn't so much have an issue with my weight, more my view of myself. so told me that i should do something about it if i dont like something, and that he will support me. it's not like he wont benefit from the healthier eating and the exercise himself, just cos he is slim that doesn't mean he is healthy lol....i find it hard work to get a vegetable in him for example :rolleyes:

you dont have to say to her "you need to lose weight, you're fat" just say "if you're not happy do something about it and i will be there for you and do it with you" or something. i'm afraid you cannot be subtle in situations like this. at least she actually asks you for your opinion...which means she is kinda seeking your honest opinion

T "real deal" J

Just be careful in the way you say it to her. My friend told his girlfriend she needed to go to the gym and she was very upset. However, she now does go to the gym.

Perhaps not a very good instructive example, but I'd advise you to plan out very carefully how you're going to communicate this to her. but, it simply has to be done if this is how you feel.

legend365

OP you've got to be blunt but sorry. If this is making her feel like crap she has to do something about it! The longer she moans and moaps about it, the harder it gets and the more depressed she gets.

You say she perfect to you, being unhappy?

Dark Phoenix

Look I feel for you. A male friend of mine summed it up perfectly at one stage. He had a girlfriend who was overweight. What annoyed him was not the fact that she was overweight but the constant drama - 'do you think I'm fat', 'these don't look good on me', 'I wish I was skinnier', 'I wish these looked better on'.
If he said anything to her she got 'upset' yet she also got upset about being overweight yet did nothing about it so the poor man could not win!
In the end he said to her either except the size you are and be happy and stop complaining or make a plan to lose weight and I will help you with it.

So with your own girlfriend just be honest. She knows she is overweight and so do you so next time she has one of these 'fat moments' ask her honestly does she want some help actually doing something about it and feeling better about herself as well as being healthier or does she want to just go on feeling like that? Its like anyting else she has to actually want to change - ironically a lot of people want to weigh less and be smaller but don't want to put in the effort that achieves that - unless she wants to do it you can't help her

Steel Pump

Maybe say replace the fat with pure steel -


women don't produce much testosterone naturally so she might have to take hormones to gain significant muscle, depends how buff you want her!!

And dont be too phased by her actual weight - steel weighs more then fat, good luck!

Co45

I'd leave her. This sounds really harsh but if she can't keep herself in a decent shape now then what happens years down the road?
Being overweight is not only unattractive it is also unhealthy. You don't want to settle down with someone who physically repulses you and might not live long enough to watch your kids grow up.
You say you go to the gym and are in good shape? Get a new, fit, healthy girlfriend. Your current one knows shes fat and won't do anything about it, shes lazy, she won't change.

SueWho

Co45 wrote: »

I'd leave her. Get a new, fit, healthy girlfriend. Your current one knows shes fat and won't do anything about it, shes lazy, she won't change.

This is ridiculous advice. Who among us has never put on weight, become really lazy, drank too much, smoked too much? But lots of us turn our bad habits around and change our ways and it's a lot easier to be successful when you have the support of the person who is closest to you.

Provided you emphasise to her that you want her to feel good about herself: to like what she sees in the mirror, to be confident wearing nice clothes, to have lots of energy etc and that you are with her 100% to help her to achieve a healthy lifestyle then hopefully she'll start to make changes. Though it might not go down well at first as it all sinks in, hopefully after some thought she'll start to help herself.

Nevyn

Steel Pump wrote: »

Maybe say replace the fat with pure steel -


women don't produce much testosterone naturally so she might have to take hormones to gain significant muscle, depends how buff you want her!!

And dont be too phased by her actual weight - steel weighs more then fat, good luck!

Women can gain muscle mass with out resorting to taking hormone treatments.
And it should be about what shape she wants to be in not about him remodeling his gf to suit himself.

Emme

Co45 wrote: »

I'd leave her. This sounds really harsh but if she can't keep herself in a decent shape now then what happens years down the road?
Being overweight is not only unattractive it is also unhealthy. You don't want to settle down with someone who physically repulses you and might not live long enough to watch your kids grow up..

That's harsh but it's a point that should be considered. If one partner has a vastly different approach to physical fitness to the other then maybe they're not compatible, depending on the rest of the relationship. If the OP is willing to be honest with his girlfriend about her weight and supportive while she tries to get fit there's no reason why it couldn't work. If she's willing to work with him it could strengthen their relationship.

Co45 wrote: »

You say you go to the gym and are in good shape? Get a new, fit, healthy girlfriend. Your current one knows shes fat and won't do anything about it, shes lazy, she won't change.

There's no guarantee that the fit, new, healthy girlfriend will stay that way forever. She might get sick and this would have an impact on her fitness. If you choose a partner for superficial reasons you will always be disappointed. However, if you can work through problems together and come to a satisfactory solution it's a good thing.

Has the OP's girlfriend had her thyroid function checked? An underactive thyroid will make you pile on weight no matter how much exercise you take and how little you eat, and it also makes you lethargic and lazy.

WindSock

Encourage her to excercise with you. Tell her that you are both going for a walk / jog and there's no compromise. Also offer to cook dinner when she feels like a takeaway.

shellyboo

Co45 wrote: »

I'd leave her. This sounds really harsh but if she can't keep herself in a decent shape now then what happens years down the road?
Being overweight is not only unattractive it is also unhealthy. You don't want to settle down with someone who physically repulses you and might not live long enough to watch your kids grow up.
You say you go to the gym and are in good shape? Get a new, fit, healthy girlfriend. Your current one knows shes fat and won't do anything about it, shes lazy, she won't change.

It doesn't say she's *put on* loads of weight - seems like she's always been overweight. Perhaps you could clear this up, OP? The OP chose to get into a relationship with her, he can't bitch about how she looks now when she's always looked that way.

I feel for him having to listen to her complain and make needy comments like "do you think I'm fat" though... it's unfair on him and she's just using his continued acceptance as an excuse not to do anything about it.

Also, where did he say she physically repulses him? Seems like you're putting words in his mouth.

Snowie

Thaedydal wrote: »

And it should be about what shape she wants to be in not about him remodeling his gf to suit himself.

thats just a little OTT.... I mean sloberey isnt attractive a woman that doesn't take care of her self isnt perticularly attractive....

The guy looks after him self while his gf probably sits there feeling sorry for her self consoling her self on more food. Its disgsuting unhealthy and very unatractive. Its comletely fair to say that.

why shouldnt she look after her self? its shows little or no motivation. creates low slef esteam and genrally does very little....

What your saying is true but.....whats the cost high colestrol poor sence of self and esteam?

while she leachs confidance of her boyfriend who has to lie threw his teath in order for her to feel comfortable about her self? I would'nt call that a very nice reletionship.

People who have the motivation to look after them selves don't need to be asking.......Do I look fat? Do you still find me attractive? Im having a fat day! excuse's excuse..If the girl tock two months and ate a well balanced diet shed be exceptionally more healthy.... and probably and not so over weight....

sorrywhat

Ok Op. I get where you are coming from. Its a difficult topic to be bring up. But if your gf is constantly moaning about her weight she is aware. Would she not be at all interested in taking an exercise class? I do these and they are a great way to stay in shape. Like aerobics or circuit training.

Also you could change the way ye both eat. Smaller portions etc.

Wait until she brings it up herself again and instead of saying she is perfect sit down and have a proper conversation about it. You seem to look after yourself with the gym and what food you eat so maybe you could help her in that sense.

Once she starts to lose a bit of weight, that in itself is a great motivator to keep going.

shellyboo

Snow-Monkey wrote: »

thats just a little OTT.... I mean sloberey isnt attractive a woman that doesn't take care of her self isnt perticularly attractive....

Why did he go out with her then? She didn't get fat overnight, she was like this when he met her as far as I can tell.

davmol

Just tell her plain and simple especially if its turning you off her sexually.

my GF put on a lot of weight and was similar to your GF, crying about it and doing nothing about it. She'd diet for 2 days and go right back onto her bad habits, 2 years later the same old crap was happening.

I told her straight out that i wasnt finding her attractive as she'd piled on the weight and that i was sick of hearing her cry and do nout about it.

I dont believe in lying, if you think your girl is fat you should tell her straight out and dont pussy foot around, obviously you dont say 'i think you're fat' but say it in a nice tone at the right time

6th

davmol wrote: »

Just tell her plain and simple especially if its turning you off her sexually.
my GF put on alotof weight adn was similar to your GF,crying about it and doing nothing about it.She'd diet for 2 days and go right back onto her bad habits,2 years later the same old crap was happening.I told her str8 out that i wasnt finding her attractive as she'd piled on the weight and thati was sick of hearing her cry and do nout about it.
I dont believe in lying,if you think your girl is fat you should tell her str8 out and dont pussy foot around,obviously you dont say 'i think youre fat' but say it in a nice tone at teh right time

Please note that text speak is against the Charter.

davmol

6th wrote: »

Please note that text speak is against the Charter.

Forgive me please

Snowie

shellyboo wrote: »

Why did he go out with her then? She didn't get fat overnight, she was like this when he met her as far as I can tell.

Not my concern! tbph he obvously likes her.

shellyboo

Snow-Monkey wrote: »

Not my concern! tbph he obvously likes her.

Obviously he does. So you saying "slobbery and fat isn't attractive" isn't really an issue for him, is it? Since he went out with her in the first place. Nobody would be so silly as to date someone they don't like and try to change them, right?

Dark Phoenix

shellyboo if the OPs girlfriend was happy with herself and did not want to change herself then fair enough but if you read his posts - she isn't!.

You see so many people like this they are overweight and unhappy but will not do anything to help themselves except whinge about it. They appear to want to change themselves but not to put the effort in to achieve it. They want everyone to accept them as they are and seek assurances but sure they are not happy with themselves!

From the Op's post his girlfriend is not happy and confident in herself and the OP's attempts to tell her she is perfect have not helped. So what is he to do - listen to her moan about her weight all the time and her being unhappy about it? That makes no sense the girlfriend needs to either accept herself as she is or decide she wants to change and take action to make it happen.

The irony is its a situation that with a little effort and the support of her boyfriend she can easily make a difference to her health and happieness.

Snowie

shellyboo wrote: »

Obviously he does. So you saying "slobbery and fat isn't attractive" isn't really an issue for him, is it?

cleerly for him it is becoming one now!

shellyboo wrote: »

Since he went out with her in the first place. Nobody would be so silly as to date someone they don't like and try to change them, right?

How has the above got anything to do with the situation....

shes over weight eating a lot more then she needs to, so the fact of the matter hes unhappy he likes maybe even loves her. Yet she still looks forcomformation over the way she looks.

That in its self says a lot..

On the fact is people do things for reason maybe she's unhappy with her self and seeks comfort eating.... but the fact is he appears to sound unhappy....