he just keeps picking fights

LegacyUser

My boyfriend and i never used to fight, though admitently i used to not stand my ground as much as i do now and i would often just give into him or appologise for something that wasn't my fault for the sake of a quieter life (that said I was only 19 when we started going out and had never been in a relationship before)

It's three years on and it just seems that at every oppertunity he has to pick a fight he does and if i don't find a way to extinguish it it just escalates as he gets more upset. It's over stupid stuff like me asking him if i can call him back in 5 minutes cause i'm busy in work (his response too busy for him) or that i'm driving badly or so on. stupid things.

Our last one was about how i'm going away for 2 weeks with my family on a family hoilday (which he was invited too but is afraid to fly) and he kept making jokes about how i'm going to cheat on him while i'm away. then on night he just kept talking about "ground rules" on if i do get together with someone over and over until i told him to stop and that it was upsetting me and he went mad about how he's the one being left behind and how he thinks that, cause i've only been with one man in my life, i'll want to go sleep with other men.

I've been more than 100% faithful to him, i only believe in sex when your in love (which he knows) and have never given any indication that i am interested in any one else. i am in fact quiet vocal in my feelings for him and how i can't imagine life without him.

the next day he called me and told me he had full confidence in me, but no appology. I let it go as always.

Today was a new fight over new stupid things, and now he's talking about how he's just sick of it and everything and he'll talk to me tomorrow. I'm afraid he's going to want to go on a break and i'm terrified. I try and do everything right and he keeps finding fault in it and with me. He's such a good guy and he's always there for me when i need him, i just don't know how to cope with this.

i'm sorry if this is all over the place, i'm just really lost and scared

LegacyUser

i called him and as always he out argued me and i caved. Again, i'm the selfish one that never takes him into consideration, suddenly my side my void.
i just give up. what's the point in it if he wins every fight and i am left feeling crap

LegacyUser

Is this how you want to live, op?
Its clear that you're not happy, and to be honest I don't blame you.
Its not easy being around someone who picks up on every little detail, always finding something to argue about.

Is this the sort of relationship you really want to have?
Does it actually sound like a healthy relationship to you?

"I try and do everything right and he keeps finding fault in it and with me. He's such a good guy and he's always there for me when i need him, i just don't know how to cope with this."
(sorry not sure how to quote properly)

This part in particular stuck out to me. It must be exhausting, trying to make sure you don't do anything "wrong" (well in his eyes anyway) just so he won't find fault.

Look I'm sure he's not a bad guy but if you two are arguing this much over little stupid things it might just be that this relationship has run its course and perhaps you two are not as compatible as you first thought.

This is your first big relationship and I completely understand it can be very hard to let go and recognise when a relationship turns sour. You're still very young and there wlll be plenty of other chances for love.

I dont know much but I whole heartedly believe real love doesn't mean walking on eggshells afraid to make a mistake. Sure, its not meant to be easy but it really shouldn't be this hard either.

castle

Due to this been your first relationship has had a bad effect on you,just for the record most guys are not like that.If you had been with another guy and seen how a girl should be treated then you would have been well out of this relationship,so maybe not all your fault that you are still in this situation.
Now you realise I hope that this is wrong and he is not really what you are looking for it is time to stand up for yourself and just leave.
Please do not ask him to change or fall for his lies when he tells you he will change if it means staying together I love you crap.
He should not have to chnage he should already be just time to you are he is meant to love you and a leopard does not change it's spots,maybe for a little while the spots might go but they will come back and you still been there will make you weaker.
I take it you have no kids, thanks God now go and get a life and let some guy make you happy and cherish the fact that they are with you,we all argue as couples but picking /bullying someone is bang out of order and you know it.
No whwen you tell him the news do it before valentines day just now don't wait life is short to stay with someone who does not appricate you.
He will try to blame you saying how you make him feel unloved etc and you should agree with him with everything and just say goodbye

Redpunto

It doesnt sound like you have an equal relationship, hes bullying you and laying all the ground rules. You need to sit down and have a serious think about whether this is right for you or not.

Grawns

My friend had a husband like that, always trying to keep him happy and him worrying she was cheating. He used to fake suicide attempts cause she upset him so much :rolleyes:Turns out he was cheating his way around Ireland and couldn't believe in her because he was full of lies himself. His accustaions and controlling behaviour also made sure that she would never suspect him. Total loser but she's back with him after 2 years apart. They have 4 kids - so she's a bit stuck.

You have no such commitments just a bad relationship. Time to assert yourself and call his bluff. He may fake a suicide though :rolleyes:

ChocolateRamses

OP it sounds like if he called a break it would be a good thing for you.

Every relationship involved give and take and the truth is probably that this involves a lot more swallowed pride than we'd care to admit. But in your case, based on what you're posting here, it sounds like you're in a situation where you can't win because no matter what you do it's the wrong thing, and that's stressing you way beyond what is reasonable.

More importantly you're starting to feel bad about yourself because of this, which is completely unacceptable when you're doing nothing wrong.

As a matter of form I'd suggest talking, just to say you gave him a chance to explain his attitude, and if his attitude doesn't improve after that, well maybe this relationship isn't for you?

Nevyn

I would suggest you need to take a break and have some distance from him while you take time to sort out your own emotions.

He is keeping you in a constant state of emotional turmoil as you try to manage him and his emotions and not do anything to upset him or spark him off or else you are trying to sort things out and make things better.

Sounds like he doesn't take any responsibility for his part in the rows and once you are at fault in any way it's all your fault.

He seems very insecure and in keeping you emotionally all over the place and focused on keeping him on an even keel you put his wants and needs ahead of yours in the relationship and your life. Why would you want to be in an emotionally abusive relationship with a man child?

Chances are as you grow and be come more confident and self assured this will get worse as he expects you do capitulate as you did when you were younger, as we grow up we learn what is and is not acceptable in a relationship and if the relationship is not equal and is controlling then you stay in it until something breaks inside you or else you see that you have out grown it and if he can't or won't change how things are between you to something more healthy then for your sake and sanity and emotional well being
you should reconsider what you are getting from the relationship when you are pouring so much of yourself into it.

Peggypeg

Hey OP,

I'm not going to sugar coat this but he sounds like a bully and you sound very very very weak. Now I think you're only weak because you've been whittled down by having to watch everything you say and the constant critisism but enough is enough, if you can't get out of this sick and f*cked up relationship now, then you really are doomed because the reasons to stay will only get bigger i.e. getting a mortgage or pregnant.

I know you say you love him but how can you love someone who is so pathetic that he has to constantly put you down and thinks you're cheating on him when you're going on a family holiday? Seriously have you always been willing to put up with constant critisism? Is it just since you're with him? If you've always been so willing to put up with cr*p then I think you need to get yourself into councelling to work on your self-esteem issues. Honestly I'm trying hard not to be a bitch but it just makes me so frustrated when I see a girl acting like a fool for a man. You deserve to be treated with love and respect. That guy is a total controlling bully, get the hell away from him before you waste your life trying to live up to the impossible, making him happy is impossible because all of that cr*p comes from his own issues, which he needs to address himself.

Please be a smart girl and get rid of him, cut all contact and never go back. I really really really hope you take this advice and we don't see you back here because I'd say this abuse is only going to escalate if you stay.

Best of luck.