How can I stop being so mistrusting?????

sue10

Hi,

Ok so here's the background:

I have been going out with my boyfriend for 2 years (living together) and I have serious trust issues...when we met he was seeing a few girls and was a bit of a player (I didn't know this at the time)...anyway I had just come out of a long term relationship (6 years) so I wasn't really looking for anything serious it was more of a rebound just to get over my ex so I wasn't really picking up on the signals. So anyway, we started to get serious very quickly and after about 2 months I found out he was still seeing this girl. I went mad and he promised to never see her again...then about a month after that found out he was STILL seeing her....again I went mad but forgave him (i know it seems crazy but at the time i was so fragile)...at the time he used to go out on the p*** all the time and was very secretive with his phone etc...

Ok so fast forward to now...we are living together and he is like a changed man! very open about his phone etc rarely goes out and if he does we go together...I don't feel like he is cheating but I still find myself always second guessing him...the smallest thing will make me question him...I just don't know if I will ever trust him....the problem is I am head over heels in love with him and do see a future together...will I ever trust him? Help please

Peggypeg

sue10 wrote: »

Hi,

Ok so fast forward to now...we are living together and he is like a changed man! very open about his phone etc rarely goes out and if he does we go together...I don't feel like he is cheating but I still find myself always second guessing him...the smallest thing will make me question him...I just don't know if I will ever trust him....the problem is I am head over heels in love with him and do see a future together...will I ever trust him? Help please

Hey OP,

The most important part of your post is above, read over it again. He's changed (unual but not impossible!), you're head over heels in love with him, he's not secretive of his phone and he doesn't go out without you. To be honest with you it really doesn't sound to me like you have anything to worry about. You would need to be a Saint if you could completely get over the stuff at the start of the relationship, however saying that, it would be a huge pity if you got rid of the man you love over something he did and which you forgave 2 years ago. I know it must be really really hard to trust him after all the cheating and lying but you forgave him, now that is very admirable but unless you start trusting him again then the relationship is doomed and you are going to end up driving yourself mad. If you really really believe he is trustworthy and the man for you then my advice would be to take it one day at a time. Whenever you feel those feelings just remember how much he's changed to be with you, it's ok to feel those things (I know it doesn't feel nice) as long as you don't act on them or take them out on him. If you just can't get over it, I would suggest going to a counceller as talking to a professional might work best for you.

Best of luck.

mobilecore

Hmmm i'd like to touch on a serious topic on this thread. I think this is a great example of "Distrust" and why the op feels it.
On this board with threads with distrust i've seen alot of people give advice such as the OP has insecurities or pananoid. when a person says they have distrust for their partner. I've found, not just from my experiences but also my friends experiences that distrust is always usually earned. As with the op in this thread. When a partner does something that creates distrust it will often always have that damage in the relationship permanently because if it happened once it can and usually happened again.




Op,
You found out he was seeing a girl, he said he wouldnt see her anymore then you found out he still was. Hun, on that note you cant trust him. Even lets just say that he is being 100% honest now and not doing anything. He burned you twice. Not once but twice. How much can you trust him deep down? - his actions would naturally cause a reaction. What your feeling is the reaction.
People change is bs ... yes. people change as in who THEY are. People rarely change towards someone else.
Taking the fact that things have progressed with him into the factor is a two sided coin. Yes on one side it could be seen he realised his mistake early on in the relationship but is happy right now and only wants you.
Or....!!!.... that doesnt mean anything. He was unfaithful twice and will do it again because of who he is. Character judgement.

As for the fact he originally was a rebound relationship. Its a good bet to say your heart never healed after the 6 years relationship of the previous ex. Although you might feel over that ex of 6 years now and probably are, you never had the heeling process. To emotionally put yourself back together as a person.
After a breakup our hearts are sore if we cared for the person. Then we adapt to single life then move on. Sadly you didnt. You went from 100 to 0 to 100 in a short space. I'd be willing to say that the reason why you stuck with this man knowing he saw someone else, lied and then continued to see her is because you were afraid of being alone.

at the end of the day this is your call. But ... first of all if you cant get over the trust issue there will be no relationship. No one will blame you for feeling that way. And if you can get over it.... Give no more chances. Twice he broke your trust. Third time and thats it. He is showing you his phone and not really going out without you. That does say alot. They are positives. Its just about coming down on what side of the fence you want to be on. Its a tricky situation. On one hand what he did he should of been dumped right there and then. The natural reaction to how you were going to feel was what you are feeling now.

As for my own personal answer ... he will cheat again. Just this time he might have to make more of a moral choice. His conscience will probably kick into play a bit ... but inenvitably he will cheat. We are not talking about going out one night and going home with someone then realising it was a big mistake. We are talking about continuing to lie to you while seeing her, being caught, then seeing her more. This is the logic/actions of a person who wasnt into you at that point. My two cents is that he is not "more into you" now just that he is comfortable with what he has got going now.