Friend is too clingy?

LegacyUser

Hey. I don't know if clingy is the correct word for this, but my friend can't help but be involved in everything I do. I am 21 years old, as is he, and we are both in college and living together.

The first time I noticed a problem was when I was going out with my class for a class party. I was going out the door when he said "thanks for inviting me" semi-jokingly, to which I said "you can come if you want" to which he instantly said "cool. just wait a second while I change my clothes". I didn't think he would come along, and if I had known, I wouldn't have asked!

He was completely out of place, not knowing any of my friends, and basically trying to socialise by saying "Hey, I'm ____'s friend!" to which I wasn't pleased, and basically ruined the night.

I like to keep my college friends to one side, and my friends from back home on the other. I don't know what it is, but I don't like the fact that he is trying to make friends with my friends!

The reason I'm talking about it now is because a friend of mine from college invited him to a house party this weekend. The reason he knows this guy is because I am friends with him and he always tries to hang out with us! Now this party is practically ruined, and I am thinking of not going.

Its not that I don't like the guy, its just that he is a different kind of friend, if you know what I mean? He is always trying to hog the limelight and I am sick of it to be honest.

What do I do? Do I come straight out and tell him how I feel, do I grin and bare it or drop some hints?

Thanks in advance...

fasty

This is how people extend their circle of friends. I can't fathom why his presence at parties would ruin them for you.

Once your friend makes friends with your college buddies, he won't be clingy anymore!

jimmycrackcorm

Unregistered wrote: »

I like to keep my college friends to one side, and my friends from back home on the other. I don't know what it is, but I don't like the fact that he is trying to make friends with my friends!

Does that not strike you as odd?

The reason I'm talking about it now is because a friend of mine from college invited him to a house party this weekend. The reason he knows this guy is because I am friends with him and he always tries to hang out with us! Now this party is practically ruined, and I am thinking of not going.

You are being presumptuous. Perhaps your friend actually likes the guy - you just don't.

Its not that I don't like the guy, its just that he is a different kind of friend, if you know what I mean? He is always trying to hog the limelight and I am sick of it to be honest.

Aren't you describing your problem?

What do I do? Do I come straight out and tell him how I feel, do I grin and bare it or drop some hints?

Show him this reply for starters....

TBH, sounds like you're the one with the problem. I too have a thing about mixing friends and prefer to have different groups, but I'm well aware that it's weird and that it's my own issue. It would be pretty normal to invite your friend/flatmate along to a party - so what if he doesn't know your college friends? He can get to know them. Sounds like you're embarrassed or something? Or afraid your friends will like him better than you?

LegacyUser

[quote=[Deleted User];64401804]Sounds like you're embarrassed or something? Or afraid your friends will like him better than you?[/QUOTE]

I think that might be part of it.

If I'm honest, I wouldn't go out with him on a night out, or say, organise a trip with him or something. During the summer time I wouldn't talk to him at all.

Just thinking about it, he is my only friend that I would have a serious problem with making friends with my friends.

I do find him embarrassing. He does say a lot of stupid things, and he tries too hard to make friends. Could it be possible that he's not as close a friend as I thought? This is my 4th year living with him... maybe I am growing tired of him? I know it sounds mean but I don't know how else to explain it.

OS119

OP, why did you describe him as your friend - you don't like him that much and he gets on your tits - he isn't your friend, he's a slightly clingy, irritating person you know and have the misfortune to live with.

big difference.

as for what to do about it - be a bit more discreet about when/whether you're going out, never say 'i'm going to a party', just say (if you really need to) 'i'm just going round a mates'.

you may however be stuck with this bloke for a bit given that he's had some success in getting into your social circle - i can only suggest a mix of not going to stuff he's being invited to (its quite possible your mates have got the wrong end of the stick and are inviting him for your sake), as well as not passing on social news to him. having an inevitable house related argument and saying 'knob' as you leave the room might also solve the problem....

you have the absolute right to be friends, or not friends, with whomsoever to choose, you do not have to facilitate this blokes need to widen his social circle, and you do not have to be 'friends' with everyone you know.

LegacyUser

To be honest OP you sound really condescending, like you're looking down your nose at this guy. He is going out of his way to be friendly and get along with your mates. My friends always invite me along on college nights out as would I when going out with my college mates. You say he's embarrassing, why are you friends with him? Some of my friends can be loud and brash and nights out i'd never say they were embarrassing and i'd never not invite them out because of it, at the end of the day they're my friends and I love them for who they are, and would not let anyone tell me any different. Sounds like you have your own insecurities about "fitting in", which your friend obviously doesn't.

tenchi-fan

Don't expect a friend for life, and don't expect to be a friend for life.

You might have grown apart, or maybe your priorities just changed. maybe the thing you had in common in the beginning isn't enough to base a friendship on... so just let him go! But saying you're embarrassed of him is a bit rotten, and that confirms to me you cannot consider him your friend.

The sad thing is he is probably so reliant on you as a friend that he senses you're drifting away from him and it's just making him more clingy.

You just need to be honest with him. When he says "are you up to anything later" say "oh i might go to my friends party" , him "oh thanks for the invite" you say "oh it's just a few old-school friends." If he says he met them all before, just be polite and say "i know, but i just want some time with my other friends."

Eventually he'll get the hint.

The Lovely Muffin

confusedmuch wrote: »

To be honest OP you sound really condescending, like you're looking down your nose at this guy. He is going out of his way to be friendly and get along with your mates. My friends always invite me along on college nights out as would I when going out with my college mates. You say he's embarrassing, why are you friends with him? Some of my friends can be loud and brash and nights out i'd never say they were embarrassing and i'd never not invite them out because of it, at the end of the day they're my friends and I love them for who they are, and would not let anyone tell me any different. Sounds like you have your own insecurities about "fitting in", which your friend obviously doesn't.

+1.

Completly agree with the above post.

Tbh OP, you say you find your friend is embarrassing and says stupid things, but my question is: do your college friends think this?

LegacyUser

When I am with him, on my own, he's grand. I'd have a good laugh with him and stuff. I regularly go to the cinema with him as well. But it seems that when he is with other people he starts to act differently, trying to be the funny guy, when he isn't and trying to be the centre of attention.

Orlaith, you asked what my friends think of him? Well all my friends from school don't talk to him anymore and always thought he was a bit odd and some of my friends from college who have met him thought he was a bit of a "douche".

It seems like he is trying too hard to get into my circle of friends. This week he has already been out to the pub/drinking with his own mates 3 times, and he wants to go again on Friday with mine.

I'll try to use an analogy - it's like a member of your family. You get on great with them at home but you wouldn't go out with them on a night out if you know what I mean?

LegacyUser

Unregistered wrote: »

When I am with him, on my own, he's grand. I'd have a good laugh with him and stuff. I regularly go to the cinema with him as well. But it seems that when he is with other people he starts to act differently, trying to be the funny guy, when he isn't and trying to be the centre of attention.

Orlaith, you asked what my friends think of him? Well all my friends from school don't talk to him anymore and always thought he was a bit odd and some of my friends from college who have met him thought he was a bit of a "douche".

It seems like he is trying too hard to get into my circle of friends. This week he has already been out to the pub/drinking with his own mates 3 times, and he wants to go again on Friday with mine.

I'll try to use an analogy - it's like a member of your family. You get on great with them at home but you wouldn't go out with them on a night out if you know what I mean?

Let me get this right, your college friend actually told you he's a "douche" knowing that hes a friend of yours, sounds to me like he deserves better friends that don't do this behind his back. No I don't know what you mean you think you can be friends/family with people when it suits and no one else is around and then want to keep them "in doors" when you go out, hmm shallow. I've a brother that drives me mad at the best of times as do I with him, we often go out though and have a great laugh. It sounds to me like you use people or think they're disposable or something, if one of my friends or a family member treated me like this I would be extremely hurt.

Kimia

To be honest OP you sound very immature. The guy thinks you are his friend, he's just being sociable going out meeting loads of people and trying to widen his circle and it sounds like you're slightly jealous that he's spreading his wings. You don't own him, he can go out and be friends with whoever he wants but you seem to have a weird hangup about him meeting your other friends.

You sound like you're embarrassed to be seen with your old friend because maybe he's a little bit 'different' to your other friends. My god, how shallow. When you grow up, when you get a little older, you will be ashamed of yourself when you think back on this because you'll have realised that not everyone is the same, and if everyone was the same wouldn't the world be such a boring place. You will probably miss having this guy around because ye know each other so well and maybe he's a really good friend to have. But by all means, cut him out and make him feel awkward and bad for bothering to make friends on his own, and continue to snigger at the fact that your new friends call him a 'douche'. You do know that if you were a real friend you would have stuck up for him?

He's better off not having you as a friend. You sound like you're a bit of a user tbh, he's only good enough until something better and 'cooler' comes along. How sad.