do i stand up for my principles?

steddyeddy

i was dumped a few months ago because i was going through a hard time, she tried to sugar coat it, even cut me off and made it seem like i dumped her by closing off and leaving me no option.

I was going through a hard time over family issues that arose again needless to say support would have been nice. that is in the past however it still hurts that i was rejected because of hardships i went through earlier in life, that was her decision however and i didnt/ wont be arguing with it.

she has since contacted me to try to be friends which i have went along with, here lies the problem i dont have a problem being civil to her as i am a adult however i was hurt over the break up and i since have problems trusting people, she was the only girl i told of these past issues and im increasing finding myself want to tell her how i saw the break up since she seems to think that i was ok with it. i wasnt and the more she talks to me as if im ok with what happend the more i feel anger towards her.

she seems to think that i dont see a problem with how she dumped me i do i really really want to tell her how i saw it and basically tell her i think she has some erve talking to me as if nothing happened. how will i go about this or should i wait and maybe these feelings of hurt will pass?

steddyeddy

ps i did see similar threads on issues like this and because of that i held out posting but i feel those threads did not have the answers i was looking for.

Angus Og

Stand up for what you believe, it's her problem not yours. Tell her how you feel. You're right, she has a nerve.

You sound like the ex-boyfriend of a previous poster.

steddyeddy

i know the thread your talking about i dont think thats about me because this happened months ago.

thanks for your advice, im just wondering if i should let her no, i want to talk to her and get my point across for me and not her, i feel it would be therapeutic.

the other issue is while i do want to get my point across and stand up for my rights i do not necessarily want to hurt the girl but i do not want my friendship to help her feel better about herself, my friendship is reserved for those who see my worth and not my hurt.

Angus Og

The truth is often painful to hear. She'll get over it. You don't have to be friends with people who've hurt you, especially when it makes them feel better, not you.

cafecolour

Honestly, it's sort of immaterial how/why you were dumped. Keeping in touch with an ex, especially if you were the one broken up with, is usually painful and each bit of contact just draws on the recovery period.

I'd simply tell her you wish her the best, but that you're having trouble moving on and you no longer wish to be in contact. Avoid any attempt to be drawn in by how/why/that's silly etc. - the less drama the better.

steddyeddy

cafecolour wrote: »

Honestly, it's sort of immaterial how/why you were dumped. Keeping in touch with an ex, especially if you were the one broken up with, is usually painful and each bit of contact just draws on the recovery period.

I'd simply tell her you wish her the best, but that you're having trouble moving on and you no longer wish to be in contact. Avoid any attempt to be drawn in by how/why/that's silly etc. - the less drama the better.

no this is not the issue at all, im not having trouble moving on im not still pining for her at all, the thing is the more she talks to me the more i feel im selling myself short. i dont deserve to be dumped when im in a crisis only for my ex to treat me like she did no wrong.

this is a matter of me getting this off my chest, i should have said it when she first got in contact but i want to say it now. i dont want to ask her questions why,how ect i know all that i want to tell her were she stands with me, how i saw it and wheter or not i want to be friends anymore.

daisybelle2008

steddyeddy wrote: »

no this is not the issue at all, im not having trouble moving on im not still pining for her at all, the thing is the more she talks to me the more i feel im selling myself short. i dont deserve to be dumped when im in a crisis only for my ex to treat me like she did no wrong.

this is a matter of me getting this off my chest, i should have said it when she first got in contact but i want to say it now. i dont want to ask her questions why,how ect i know all that i want to tell her were she stands with me, how i saw it and wheter or not i want to be friends anymore.

You are having a lot of trouble moving on. If you don't believe she deserves your friendship and you have no trouble leaving it in the past. Then just stop contact and put your energy into more positive activities. If you think you are selling yourself short by talking to her...then stop talking to her..simple as. All this desire for thereputic confrontation is just a reflection that you haven't moved on. If you were over her you would be indifferent.

steddyeddy

listen this really isnt coming across right, i dont want her back but the sense of justice in me wants feels that me being friends with her without letting her know exactly how i feel, after that ill leave the decision to be friends up to her, basically i feel i was wronged and want my voice heard, i want to know how to go about it without overly hurting the girl, and wheter to call her, write a letter or what?

Angus Og

Well, if you don't want to hurt her, try to avoid personal attacks. Just keep to the facts. Face to face would be good if you want to show her that you won't be moved, but then again you might find it hard to speak when she's in front of you.

A letter would probably have the proper amount of coldness and formality you're looking for.

steddyeddy

Angus Og wrote: »

Well, if you don't want to hurt her, try to avoid personal attacks. Just keep to the facts. Face to face would be good if you want to show her that you won't be moved, but then again you might find it hard to speak when she's in front of you.

A letter would probably have the proper amount of coldness and formality you're looking for.

thank you all for your advice its very helpful, i would never want to attack her personally, speaking to her face to face wouldnt be a problem for me as a result of my past i tend to be emotionless when it comes to certain things hence my asking for advice wheter im being to hard on her or wheter i should tell her how i feel at all.

hollis12

most defiantly stand up for your principles let her know how you feel, its important holding onto something you want to let out can only do you harm in the long run, look after yourself but yes you said you were hurt before maybe this is a symptom of the hurt, we tend to push away people who hurt us.

would you defiantly feel better after this or is this a symptom of your hurt.

steddyeddy

the letter sounds like a good idea alright, obliviously ive been giving it some thought or else i wouldnt have started this thread, daisybelle i am over here for the simple reason that i was treated harshly by being dumped however i do care for her as a person we were very close, and i had some great times with her.

i saw her soul so to speak and she saw mine thats why it hurt so much, so whats delaying me saying anything is being absolutely sure i wont hurt her when i tell her all this, that has been raging in my mind for a while i actually atempted to tell her this before but she started to sound quite sad and i changed the subject and said forget it,

MIN2511

Why do you want to be friends with your ex???

She broke up with you in a disrespectful manner when you needed support and comes back with the whole lets be friends.... Come on dude...

LegacyUser

I was in the exact same position. Tonight I sent her a very harsh message. It was justified because as I was going through my family crisis, she wasn't there. As if to spit in my face, she wanted to be friends after dumping me, after the stuff I went through. NOT HAPPENING.

About two weeks back, she texts me looking for 'some fun'. I didn't go and have sex with her, but I did reply. It set me up to go back to her a week after,JUST AS SHE WENT OFF WITH SOME OTHER GUY! I was actually told 'no' (when looking for 'some fun') and that she didn't mean what she texted me two weeks ago.

Tonight I let her know EXACTLY how I was feeling. Why? Because I was tired of being played around. I gave her my all, and she plays me around like a fool. By letting her know how I feel, I'm giving justice and balance to the world. It is a weight off of my shoulders, and I can now move on. Have I hurt her?

Stick to YOUR principles. Because as you found out, when the chips are down, everyone will desert you. Everyone except you, your principles, and your core beliefs.

Wagon

I wouldn't have too much sympathy for her, hard as it is but definately meet up and get things completely straight with her. It doesn't have to be a 10 minute explaination either. A few sentenses will get the point across if you word it right. I think it's neccessary because she seems to be after friendship and the last thing you want is that. You know yourself she isn't interested in having a relationship with you and more of then than not an ex want to stay friends for that emotional stability. Like the last poster showed, that can completely fúck you up. Some people need to have the situation spelled out for them loud and clear and she sounds like one of them.

At least this way, she'll think twice about calling you for a friendly chat and you can get on with your life.

steddyeddy

Wagon wrote: »

I wouldn't have too much sympathy for her, hard as it is but definately meet up and get things completely straight with her. It doesn't have to be a 10 minute explaination either. A few sentenses will get the point across if you word it right. I think it's neccessary because she seems to be after friendship and the last thing you want is that. You know yourself she isn't interested in having a relationship with you and more of then than not an ex want to stay friends for that emotional stability. Like the last poster showed, that can completely fúck you up. Some people need to have the situation spelled out for them loud and clear and she sounds like one of them.

At least this way, she'll think twice about calling you for a friendly chat and you can get on with your life.

dumpedex fair play to you you have achieved what i want to keep my dignity, wagon your absolutely right its as simple as im helping her heal while she rejected me while i genuinely needed help. im hesitant about it now but once i do it i will feel better about myself.

Peggypeg

Hey OP,

I would say it if I were you, I know I would be so angry to be dropped by someone I loved when I needed them most. That is so very hurtful and yes it is hurtful that she thinks it's ok to just be friends with you like she hasn't done anything wrong. The only reason I would tell you not to do it is if it would upset you more or push you back into having conflicting feelings for her. If you KNOW that it won't do either of those things then I would definately tell her the whole lot. She broke up with you because it was what was best for her, now you need to tell her what you think of her because that is what is best for you. Please don't end up feeling that you can only rely on yourself like dumpedguy says, your ex just sounds shallow and weak, please don't paint all girls with the same brush. My boyfriend broke his spine on January 10th, I get up in the morning to dress him, wash him and feed him, I come home from work to give him his lunch, I come home before heading to college to give him his dinner and the list just goes on, I do all that because I love him with all my heart. Some day you'll find a girl that will love you just as much, so please don't end up getting bitter and writing off the entire female population. Big big big hug, you've been through alot, tell her and get it off your chest. And be good to yourself for the next while, break-ups are hard at the best of times, never mind when you have other issues.

Best of luck.

steddyeddy

Peggypeg wrote: »

Hey OP,

I would say it if I were you, I know I would be so angry to be dropped by someone I loved when I needed them most. That is so very hurtful and yes it is hurtful that she thinks it's ok to just be friends with you like she hasn't done anything wrong. The only reason I would tell you not to do it is if it would upset you more or push you back into having conflicting feelings for her. If you KNOW that it won't do either of those things then I would definately tell her the whole lot. She broke up with you because it was what was best for her, now you need to tell her what you think of her because that is what is best for you. Please don't end up feeling that you can only rely on yourself like dumpedguy says, your ex just sounds shallow and weak, please don't paint all girls with the same brush. My boyfriend broke his spine on January 10th, I get up in the morning to dress him, wash him and feed him, I come home from work to give him his lunch, I come home before heading to college to give him his dinner and the list just goes on, I do all that because I love him with all my heart. Some day you'll find a girl that will love you just as much, so please don't end up getting bitter and writing off the entire female population. Big big big hug, you've been through alot, tell her and get it off your chest. And be good to yourself for the next while, break-ups are hard at the best of times, never mind when you have other issues.

Best of luck.

Peggypeg you are a saint to do all this for your boyfriend your a woman to be admired i cannot begin to understand how tough you and your boyfriend have it my problems are more emotional, but i will say i do not expect her to be there for me however in my book she cant expect to be friends with me after it, i basically got rejected because of my problems which hurts.

As regards developing more feelings for her the way i see it to be brutally honest is that shes not much of a human being, with my past the biggest struggle i face is loving myself which might happen one day a month, and its a constant struggle i have no more love to waste on her.

steddyeddy

sorry to add to all this but a while ago i heard her say she hopes she finds a woman who gives me the love i deserve, i just had to write this as someone who from a early age was told he wasnt worthy of love is a very painful patronizing thing to hear.

e04bf099

I'm afraid I'm gonna take a totally different line on this one. D'other lad that was dumped let his ex have it was fairly justified. But I'm not sure you're whether or not you are. You sound like a drama queen tbh. You may or may not have had problem. I've had emotional problems and I've been a bit of a fiend for drama as well, and I'm telling you now, if thats the case, and nobody needs you to deny it, because obviously a drama queen would deny it as much as a justified person, you need to GET OVER IT. Venting over your ex will only serve your ego, if what I think is correct. (Again, don't deny it, its not necessary, I'm not saying I'm correct, it just sounds like it.)

she tried to sugar coat it, even cut me off and made it seem like i dumped her by closing off and leaving me no option

Thats really wierd and seems to show that your view of the whole thing is in a muddle. Closing you off is not a service. She probably just got sick of your "issues."

Just remember, everyone has issues. She is not responsible for your complexes and you're not married so she is not obliged to look after you. Read a book. East of Eden is a good one. Literature will teach you a lot about yourself, and you won't need to lean so much on others. I am a firm advocate of mutual dependancy, but only when it develops naturally. You're not entitled to it and if you pressure someone too much when you're only going out then you can expect to get a firm shunt. She probably didn't know how to handle it either, and her confusion may have muddled your perception and given you this feeling of grievance.

steddyeddy

Peggypeg wrote: »

Hey OP,

I would say it if I were you, I know I would be so angry to be dropped by someone I loved when I needed them most. That is so very hurtful and yes it is hurtful that she thinks it's ok to just be friends with you like she hasn't done anything wrong. The only reason I would tell you not to do it is if it would upset you more or push you back into having conflicting feelings for her. If you KNOW that it won't do either of those things then I would definately tell her the whole lot. She broke up with you because it was what was best for her, now you need to tell her what you think of her because that is what is best for you. Please don't end up feeling that you can only rely on yourself like dumpedguy says, your ex just sounds shallow and weak, please don't paint all girls with the same brush. My boyfriend broke his spine on January 10th, I get up in the morning to dress him, wash him and feed him, I come home from work to give him his lunch, I come home before heading to college to give him his dinner and the list just goes on, I do all that because I love him with all my heart. Some day you'll find a girl that will love you just as much, so please don't end up getting bitter and writing off the entire female population. Big big big hug, you've been through alot, tell her and get it off your chest. And be good to yourself for the next while, break-ups are hard at the best of times, never mind when you have other issues.

Best of luck.

just to say unfortunately i am now having the attitude that i can only rely on myself i cant begin to say how this has affected my trust in people (not women) but it has made me colder it makes it worse as this girl was the only girl i told about my past and i cant see myself telling another girl again

daisybelle2008

steddyeddy wrote: »

sorry to add to all this but a while ago i heard her say she hopes she finds a woman who gives me the love i deserve, i just had to write this as someone who from a early age was told he wasnt worthy of love is a very painful patronizing thing to hear.

I really don't understand why you are so bitter towards this girl. So she did not want to be with you...so what..why are you taking it so personally? Why are you taking that as a reflection of yourself and your issues?. She obviously cares about you as she still wants to be friends. Just because she does not want to be with your romantically is not a big deal, it takes two people to want to be together. Man up and accept it, there are lots of people out there. TBH if I did not care about an ex I would not want to be friends. Your bitterness and hang up about the past is overcoming you. That is your problem not hers. Only you can solve that, punishing her with your inability to accept the situation is only bruising yourself.

Your problem is you do not like yourself and have not come to terms and accepted your past, if you had this girl would not be causing you this reaction.

steddyeddy

e04bf099 wrote: »

I'm afraid I'm gonna take a totally different line on this one. D'other lad that was dumped let his ex have it was fairly justified. But I'm not sure you're whether or not you are. You sound like a drama queen tbh. You may or may not have had problem. I've had emotional problems and I've been a bit of a fiend for drama as well, and I'm telling you now, if thats the case, and nobody needs you to deny it, because obviously a drama queen would deny it as much as a justified person, you need to GET OVER IT. Venting over your ex will only serve your ego, if what I think is correct. (Again, don't deny it, its not necessary, I'm not saying I'm correct, it just sounds like it.)
Thats really wierd and seems to show that your view of the whole thing is in a muddle. Closing you off is not a service. She probably just got sick of your "issues."

Just remember, everyone has issues. She is not responsible for your complexes and you're not married so she is not obliged to look after you. Read a book. East of Eden is a good one. Literature will teach you a lot about yourself, and you won't need to lean so much on others. I am a firm advocate of mutual dependancy, but only when it develops naturally. You're not entitled to it and if you pressure someone too much when you're only going out then you can expect to get a firm shunt. She probably didn't know how to handle it either, and her confusion may have muddled your perception and given you this feeling of grievance.

do you know what i tried to hold onto some dignity here by not stating the past issues but i feel they are relevant now, im a survivor of industrial abuse, as a result incidentally i was quiet shy as a teenager and growing up, i have conquered that now and the first person i told about the whole situation is my girlfriend at the time, she broke up with me when i sought consoling for it at the time this whole mess came out, she said she loved me and would support me for ever and then the next week she dumped me.

ill say this only once i am ok with her breaking up with me, i believe in choice no problem it was her decision, she then gets back in touch and tells me she wants to be friends, and made out that it was my problems that caused her to run but now that unpleasantness is over we can be friends.

i was dumped because of what happened to me what more can i say im sorry i come across as a drama queen or bitter but she has no right to my friendship and when i tired to tell her she didnt get the message. she insists she was a good friend to me when i needed it this has persisted for months and i find it quite patronizing.

steddyeddy

daisybelle2008 wrote: »

I really don't understand why you are so bitter towards this girl. So she did not want to be with you...so what..why are you taking it so personally? Why are you taking that as a reflection of yourself and your issues?. She obviously cares about you as she still wants to be friends. Just because she does not want to be with your romantically is not a big deal, it takes two people to want to be together. Man up and accept it, there are lots of people out there. TBH if I did not care about an ex I would not want to be friends. Your bitterness and hang up about the past is overcoming you. That is your problem not hers. Only you can solve that, punishing her with your inability to accept the situation is only bruising yourself.

Your problem is you do not like yourself and have not come to terms and accepted your past, if you had this girl would not be causing you this reaction.

no daisybelle i dont like myself very much your very astute, and i have not come to terms with my past it takes a while. i have a hangup about the past yes im still seeking justice for it.

now you say she cares about me yet she recommended i go to counseling when i told her what happened i did and she said she would support me through it, she left again her choice but as i said before my problem is not with this its the fact that she seems to think that she was/is a great friend to me, she isnt/wasnt and thats ok aswell but its quite insulting that she she leaves when the **** hits the fan and then comes back when im over the worst, which thanks to counsoling and other great friends (which yes your right did not have to be there for me) i am ten times better.

my other friends are even angry at me for being friendly to her which i was for some months after she contacted me, i simply do not want to be friends with her anymore, and was asking for a non hurtful way of doing this and yet you label me bitter.

i am under no obligation to have a "what the hell she left then shes here now attitude to her"

if i was bitter or a drama queen i would not be writing a thread requesting the best way of doing so without hurting her.

LegacyUser

Daisybelle, come now,are you for real?

You tell your other half intimate details about yourself, because you trust and love her, and are in a relationship. Soon enough after being there for you, she dumps you. After dumping you, which she is totally entitled to do, she intends to relieve her guilt by having you as 'a friend'??

So not only do you have to struggle with the break-up, but you can't gain closure by truly having no-contact? And she can shift her guilt by saying to herself that she is friends with you?

1) It is selfish to try and want to be friends with an ex. It is ignorant to the healing process, which in my opinion only comes with no-contact and time. Particularly ignorant as she is the dumper.

2) It is my opinion that this should be made known to her. Her lack of compassion, and/ or obliviousness is frankly, hurtful to the OP.

OP, it is your decision to vent to her if you want. If done in a proper manner, it will be therapeutic to you. Then there must be an immediate period of no-contact, and non-replies to any messages from her. In this period, PLEASE PLEASE PLEASE get help for any underlying issues you may have.

steddyeddy

daisybelle2008 wrote: »

I really don't understand why you are so bitter towards this girl. So she did not want to be with you...so what..why are you taking it so personally? Why are you taking that as a reflection of yourself and your issues?. She obviously cares about you as she still wants to be friends. Just because she does not want to be with your romantically is not a big deal, it takes two people to want to be together. Man up and accept it, there are lots of people out there. TBH if I did not care about an ex I would not want to be friends. Your bitterness and hang up about the past is overcoming you. That is your problem not hers. Only you can solve that, punishing her with your inability to accept the situation is only bruising yourself.

Your problem is you do not like yourself and have not come to terms and accepted your past, if you had this girl would not be causing you this reaction.

yes daisybelle she did admit she left because of the issues but loved me, but i do not take it as a reflection on myself i take it as a reflection of her.


inability to accept the situation??? as in i dont think its over??? bullsh*t.


no the girl wanting to be friends and my past are quite separate thanks im an adult well able to differentiate between problems past and present.

hollis12

e04bf099 wrote: »

I'm afraid I'm gonna take a totally different line on this one. D'other lad that was dumped let his ex have it was fairly justified. But I'm not sure you're whether or not you are. You sound like a drama queen tbh. You may or may not have had problem. I've had emotional problems and I've been a bit of a fiend for drama as well, and I'm telling you now, if thats the case, and nobody needs you to deny it, because obviously a drama queen would deny it as much as a justified person, you need to GET OVER IT. Venting over your ex will only serve your ego, if what I think is correct. (Again, don't deny it, its not necessary, I'm not saying I'm correct, it just sounds like it.)
Thats really wierd and seems to show that your view of the whole thing is in a muddle. Closing you off is not a service. She probably just got sick of your "issues."

Just remember, everyone has issues. She is not responsible for your complexes and you're not married so she is not obliged to look after you. Read a book. East of Eden is a good one. Literature will teach you a lot about yourself, and you won't need to lean so much on others. I am a firm advocate of mutual dependancy, but only when it develops naturally. You're not entitled to it and if you pressure someone too much when you're only going out then you can expect to get a firm shunt. She probably didn't know how to handle it either, and her confusion may have muddled your perception and given you this feeling of grievance.

get over it, thats consoling made easy. i have to go against you this one the op didnt say he expected her to look after him and i dont remember reading that he pressured her for it. she got sick of his issues, jesus thats fairly harsh wouldnt you say considering he just doesn't want to be friends with the girl.

hollis12

daisybelle2008 wrote: »

I really don't understand why you are so bitter towards this girl. So she did not want to be with you...so what..why are you taking it so personally? Why are you taking that as a reflection of yourself and your issues?. She obviously cares about you as she still wants to be friends. Just because she does not want to be with your romantically is not a big deal, it takes two people to want to be together. Man up and accept it, there are lots of people out there. TBH if I did not care about an ex I would not want to be friends. Your bitterness and hang up about the past is overcoming you. That is your problem not hers. Only you can solve that, punishing her with your inability to accept the situation is only bruising yourself.

Your problem is you do not like yourself and have not come to terms and accepted your past, if you had this girl would not be causing you this reaction.

daisybelle imagine this , you tell a boyfriend that your bulimic and he says ill support you but you need to get help, then you do but he runs off. later on her contacts you saying forget what happend there i didnt want to support you then but i will now and insists that he was always a good friend.

if that happened to you daisybelle and you were ok with it then you really wouldnt like yourself but wanting to get rid of her the op has some respect/dignity for himself.

hollis12

yes dumpedex is exactly right this girl is not looking to be there for him or because she cares for herself shes trying to heal her own guilt!

steddyeddy

Dumped Geezer wrote: »

Daisybelle, come now,are you for real?

You tell your other half intimate details about yourself, because you trust and love her, and are in a relationship. Soon enough after being there for you, she dumps you. After dumping you, which she is totally entitled to do, she intends to relieve her guilt by having you as 'a friend'??

So not only do you have to struggle with the break-up, but you can't gain closure by truly having no-contact? And she can shift her guilt by saying to herself that she is friends with you?

1) It is selfish to try and want to be friends with an ex. It is ignorant to the healing process, which in my opinion only comes with no-contact and time. Particularly ignorant as she is the dumper.

2) It is my opinion that this should be made known to her. Her lack of compassion, and/ or obliviousness is frankly, hurtful to the OP.

OP, it is your decision to vent to her if you want. If done in a proper manner, it will be therapeutic to you. Then there must be an immediate period of no-contact, and non-replies to any messages from her. In this period, PLEASE PLEASE PLEASE get help for any underlying issues you may have.

thank you you hit the nail on the head, i wouldnt even call it venting i just want to let her know how i saw what happened and tell her im not happy to be friends with her and disagree with her illusions of friendship.

i am getting help thank you so much ive come along way its tough to make sense of things but i feel i can do it. im not a kid anymore and im justing looking to have a normal future, as regards daisybelle it doesnt matter i run into people like her everyday, people who defend the undefendable because it makes them feel better about their own actions or belifs

e04bf099

Ok, I apologise for being harsh, I was wrong on this one.

But, the reason I was wrong on this one was happenstance, and not to do with any evidence that I missed. You actually didn't say and therefore the advice listed above was not necessarilly going to be the right advice. So I thought I'd present another compatable image with your story as written.

To be honest, the reason I said this was because your story just didn't add up otherwise. Why would she block you out, blank you and then dump you and then assume that you would were emotionally unaffected if she knew about your issues? She doesn't seem to be very smart, and I assumed that she had a modecum of intelligence, which is why I could only piece it together the way I wrote it.

I also thought it was naive the way you wrote that you weren't getting the answer you were looking for in your opening post. If you knew what you were going to do then why did you ask for advice. You keep saying people are nailing it on the head, so you don't sound in any way uncertain. If the question is just about a letter or a conversation then they both have merits and drawbacks and it just depends on how literate she is and what she is more likely to respond to. But this is obvious and you basically knew what you were going to do before hand.

It seems cut and dry. You don't want to cut all contact with this woman, but you do want to tell her you are angry with the way she trivialised the turmoil you were going through. So do that! What other advice are you looking for other than what you told yourself from the outset?

steddyeddy

e04bf099 wrote: »

Ok, I apologise for being harsh, I was wrong on this one.

But, the reason I was wrong on this one was happenstance, and not to do with any evidence that I missed. You actually didn't say and therefore the advice listed above was not necessarilly going to be the right advice. So I thought I'd present another compatable image with your story as written.

To be honest, the reason I said this was because your story just didn't add up otherwise. Why would she block you out, blank you and then dump you and then assume that you would were emotionally unaffected if she knew about your issues? She doesn't seem to be very smart, and I assumed that she had a modecum of intelligence, which is why I could only piece it together the way I wrote it.

I also thought it was naive the way you wrote that you weren't getting the answer you were looking for in your opening post. If you knew what you were going to do then why did you ask for advice. You keep saying people are nailing it on the head, so you don't sound in any way uncertain. If the question is just about a letter or a conversation then they both have merits and drawbacks and it just depends on how literate she is and what she is more likely to respond to. But this is obvious and you basically knew what you were going to do before hand.

It seems cut and dry. You don't want to cut all contact with this woman, but you do want to tell her you are angry with the way she trivialised the turmoil you were going through. So do that! What other advice are you looking for other than what you told yourself from the outset?

the answer to the writing in bold is i dont know, but because of that im confused i want to highlight to her that continued talking is hurting me but i want to do it in a way that does not hurt the girl, im actually not bitter im still thinking if it hurts the girl i wont send it, however i still have the problem of her ignorance regarding my feelings.

e04bf099

Bloody hell man, you've no responsibility towards her if she is that clueless. I'm sorry, but this seems so unbelievable that I think that you must be missing something or leaving something out. Or else your relationship wasn't very old or something.

If you're being honest and aware, and the picture that you are portraying is correct, then you have to tell her, you have no choice. I'm not accusing you of lying, but people spend a lot of time deluding themselves to the extent that these days, if someone says that they feel aggrieved, its often better and more simple to show them why they weren't aggrieved than to help them win retribution or closure. You'll not get over the anger anyha. So you have to break it to her hard and curt. Its her own fault if she is that self-centred.

steddyeddy

well when she got in contact my mistake was even being friendly towards her, and she kept going on about how good friends we were and how she missed me

LegacyUser

daisybelle2008 wrote: »

I really don't understand why you are so bitter towards this girl. So she did not want to be with you...so what..why are you taking it so personally? Why are you taking that as a reflection of yourself and your issues?. She obviously cares about you as she still wants to be friends. Just because she does not want to be with your romantically is not a big deal, it takes two people to want to be together. Man up and accept it, there are lots of people out there. TBH if I did not care about an ex I would not want to be friends. Your bitterness and hang up about the past is overcoming you. That is your problem not hers. Only you can solve that, punishing her with your inability to accept the situation is only bruising yourself.

Your problem is you do not like yourself and have not come to terms and accepted your past, if you had this girl would not be causing you this reaction.

Let me get this straight because a person does not want to be friends with a ex their bitter and have hang ups about the past?? it sounds like you were refused friendship of a ex and taking it out on this chap

LegacyUser

e04bf099,

There are some awfully clueless people out there. There are some awfully selfish people out there too. Then there are ex'es that have dumped you in your time of need, and want to release any guilt they may have by pretending to be friends with you.

Considering the OP's story, he has his shop in order, as much as he can. He says he's getting some help with other stuff too. That is commendable by the way. The variable is the ex. Who after sharing intimate feelings and thoughts with, dumped him in a time of need. Then she wants to alleviate her guilt by being 'friends' with him.

She is being a selfish so-and so, and is showing NO consideration for his grieving, just her own selfish needs and wants. The OP will do what he has to do, and ultimately it is his decision, but come on, he should tell her how he feels if he so wants. As long as it is done in a civil fashion. It will restore a certain balance to his life, and perhaps cop that other woman on, if she's lucky. Then he should cut contact.

He is just asking others opinions on it.

Please man, get a grip

Wagon

daisybelle2008 wrote: »

I really don't understand why you are so bitter towards this girl. So she did not want to be with you...so what..why are you taking it so personally?

How the hell else does he take it? If you get dumped you take it personally. Its normal. Anyway, he doesn't care about that. It's the fact that she's acting like nothing big has happened.

She obviously cares about you as she still wants to be friends.

What good is that? I'm sure he has plenty of friends, why the hell does he need another in her?

e04bf099 wrote: »

I'm afraid I'm gonna take a totally different line on this one. D'other lad that was dumped let his ex have it was fairly justified. But I'm not sure you're whether or not you are. You sound like a drama queen tbh. You may or may not have had problem. I've had emotional problems and I've been a bit of a fiend for drama as well, and I'm telling you now, if thats the case, and nobody needs you to deny it, because obviously a drama queen would deny it as much as a justified person, you need to GET OVER IT. Venting over your ex will only serve your ego, if what I think is correct. (Again, don't deny it, its not necessary, I'm not saying I'm correct, it just sounds like it.)
Thats really wierd and seems to show that your view of the whole thing is in a muddle. Closing you off is not a service. She probably just got sick of your "issues."

Just remember, everyone has issues. She is not responsible for your complexes and you're not married so she is not obliged to look after you. Read a book. East of Eden is a good one. Literature will teach you a lot about yourself, and you won't need to lean so much on others. I am a firm advocate of mutual dependancy, but only when it develops naturally. You're not entitled to it and if you pressure someone too much when you're only going out then you can expect to get a firm shunt. She probably didn't know how to handle it either, and her confusion may have muddled your perception and given you this feeling of grievance.

None of that makes any sense to the situation. None. What fúcking use is a book?

steddyeddy wrote: »

sorry to add to all this but a while ago i heard her say she hopes she finds a woman who gives me the love i deserve, i just had to write this as someone who from a early age was told he wasnt worthy of love is a very painful patronizing thing to hear.

I agree. I don't understand why people think they're being nice when they say things like that so i think she needs to have the situation spelled out for her or else this kind of thing wil continue.

daisybelle2008

not fair wrote: »

Let me get this straight because a person does not want to be friends with a ex their bitter and have hang ups about the past?? it sounds like you were refused friendship of a ex and taking it out on this chap

I guess you are asking me a question here? I am not taking anything out on this chap, why would I? I believe in moving on and living in the present, not dwelling on past relationships.

I do not believe this guy should be friends with this person if he does not want to. I just do not believe he needs to confront her and tell her. If he feels she is as bad as that why would or should he waste a single ounce of energy on her?. Forgetting about her and not having another moments contact is the best way to do this surely?. If he finds this hard and 'needs closure' then so be it. To me needing confrontation and closure is not moving on indifference would say that more than anything else. Actions speak much louder then words. I mean all she is going to do is get defensive and upset, how is that going to help?

Anyway as e04bf099 said we have one side to this story. Making no apologies for trying to objective and fair and not jump on a bandwagon//witchhunt and namecalling a girl I have never met. She advised him to take couselling which he admits has been a benefit. So it is not all bad out of the situation.

I truly wish you the best OP and hope you concentrate on the positive future.

e04bf099

Dumped Geezer wrote: »

e04bf099,

There are some awfully clueless people out there. There are some awfully selfish people out there too. Then there are ex'es that have dumped you in your time of need, and want to release any guilt they may have by pretending to be friends with you.

Considering the OP's story, he has his shop in order, as much as he can. He says he's getting some help with other stuff too. That is commendable by the way. The variable is the ex. Who after sharing intimate feelings and thoughts with, dumped him in a time of need. Then she wants to alleviate her guilt by being 'friends' with him.

She is being a selfish so-and so, and is showing NO consideration for his grieving, just her own selfish needs and wants. The OP will do what he has to do, and ultimately it is his decision, but come on, he should tell her how he feels if he so wants. As long as it is done in a civil fashion. It will restore a certain balance to his life, and perhaps cop that other woman on, if she's lucky. Then he should cut contact.

He is just asking others opinions on it.

Please man, get a grip

Get a grip on what exactly? I don't seen your point.

Sometimes you have to be hard on people and not take their view as sacrosanct because often it is their view that is the problem and not their perceived grievance. I merely added another coherent picture to the one you are so ready to accept. Now, I think I was wrong, but only since he elaborated.

e04bf099

Wagon wrote: »

None of that makes any sense to the situation. None. What fúcking use is a book?

How the hell do you know? Do you know the situation beyond some text on a screen? I obviously read it differently to you. Books are very educational and very astute, intelligent people have written books where characters go through crises and learn the solutions. A piece of literature may have heled settle his feelings and given him time to resolve the issue without confrontation. Maybe you don't read good or someth'.

Again, OP, I didn't take all of your description for granted because thats often a terrible way of helping people. Often it just re-inforces the delusion rather than breaking it up.

But if everything is transparent and you've a good grip on things then you're right, you need to confront the issue or it will fester.

LegacyUser

You are dead right - we cannot see beyond the text on the screen. And the nature of this section of this website is that we will probably never see beyond the text on the screen. Therefore, if we are to post, we should post with regards to the information we have, and not any possible situation that may be there.

As I said before, as long as everything is civil, I believe that this selfish woman should have things spelled out to her, and who knows, she may even benefit from it.

steddyeddy

daisybelle thanks for the well wishes but to set some things straight i have no romantic feelings what so ever for this girl and even though i felt abandoned by her i relaize tat some people arent emotionally equipped to support people who go through traumas.

when i started counselling i didnt know what to expect it was very hard but i underestimated the theraputic effect it would have on me and im sure she was scared by the unknown factors in this, wheter i would heal or not or turn to substance/alcohol abuse. i do nt think that the way she acted was what im looking for in a friend so i choose not to be friends with her, however she texts me a lot, rings me the odd time and sends me emails it did strike a chord with me that she thouht i could be friends with someone who treated me like this. howeer i am human and the reason i didnt ignore her was because i didnt want to hurt her feelings.

i tried to carry on and forget abot the past but i felt i was doing myself a massive injustice and i felt compelled to get my point across, im not looking for her reaction i belive i was wronged not by the dumping but by her trying to be my friend and saying things like hopefull youll find a woman who gives you the love you deserve and it is my right to be heard and hopefully she will see my grievance, if you read the start of the thread you would have seen it was not bitterness towards the girl because i didnt want to see her hurt but i feel insulted by her attitude over the breakup.

i find your that ypour arguement fails to take in basic human nature if a person is wronged simply forgetting about it and letting that person continue acting that they did no wrong would not be moving on it would b giving up.

if that were the case people who sufered under the catholic church in this country would be moving on by staying silent and forgetting what happend to them, if we were to follow your way of thinking no one would say anything and wed continue as normal, its about my principles which i hold dearer than any girlfriend so i have to stand up for myself.