How To Realise Someone is Bad For You?

LegacyUser

Hi guys,

After being dumped by my ex a while ago, there has been mostly no-contact. But coming up to Valentines Day I got in touch. We have talked a little so it wasn't out of the blue as such. We talked for quite some time, and got along grand. Its just that:

-she talked about the break-up in quite nonchalant terms. so easy going that it seemed to negate the BS she said when we broke up about being hurt too.
-she talked about guys that she had 'on the go'
-she had seemed to change
-she is drinking more than ever / said to have considered drugs too

Before I hear the obvious answers such as I shouldn't have got in touch, I would like to say that none of the above bothers me to any bad extent.

The main issue I have is that I have finally realized that she is the TOTAL opposite to me. I believe she has deep-rooted problems (whatwith her past -attempting suicide 5 years ago / troublesome family life).

Yet I am drawn to her like a moth to a flame. How do I realise that someone is toxic for me? And how to forget about her full stop?

Angus Og

You realise by accepting that those issues you've listed are symptoms of the problem. If you want to forget about her, you will have to cut off contact. You will always be drawn to her if you keep seeing her and talking to her.

TitoPuente

Cut off contact. There's no other way.

Taltos

I am sorry to be so brutal to you as you obviously care - but SO WHAT

You are ex's.
What she does is none of your business.
Who she does is none of your business.

Instead focus on why you are doing this to yourself?
Have a word with some of her friends if you are really concerned - but otherwise strongly suggest you cut the chains, contact like this will just drag you back - but you know that already - so again - be honest - why are you doing this?

LegacyUser

Dumped Geezer wrote: »

Hi guys,

After being dumped by my ex a while ago, there has been mostly no-contact. But coming up to Valentines Day I got in touch. We have talked a little so it wasn't out of the blue as such. We talked for quite some time, and got along grand. Its just that:

-she talked about the break-up in quite nonchalant terms. so easy going that it seemed to negate the BS she said when we broke up about being hurt too.
-she talked about guys that she had 'on the go'
-she had seemed to change
-she is drinking more than ever / said to have considered drugs too

Before I hear the obvious answers such as I shouldn't have got in touch, I would like to say that none of the above bothers me to any bad extent.

The main issue I have is that I have finally realized that she is the TOTAL opposite to me. I believe she has deep-rooted problems (whatwith her past -attempting suicide 5 years ago / troublesome family life).

Yet I am drawn to her like a moth to a flame. How do I realise that someone is toxic for me? And how to forget about her full stop?

she sounds like me, none of the things you listed there are "bad" or would trouble me ive been there myself however ive also been down the family issues suicide route and i have to say it might not that shes bad for you but bad for herself.

she might have issues she needs to work out before shes ready for a relationship, drugs drink ect shouldnt define a person, not that issues should but it sounds like shes acting out on her issues and that could be hard to get involved with.

LegacyUser

I just had a bit of a tiff with her. A small one, but one that once and for all confirms its over. But she will probably text me for sex, as she always does, sometime, weeks, months, down the line. It always happens without fail. In between this, she goes off with randomers.

I am a caring person, and I have unfortunately cared for her. She wants to be 'friends', and I fall for the damn trap every so often. She is toxic toxic toxic, yet I can't allow myself to not text her, or not call her.

What steps can I do, to cut my emotions from me? Am I self-destructive for falling for the trap? She text me saying we have sex last night, but today its 'NO, that was a silly idea, I don't know what I was thinking of' .

I want to be the guy who helps her from her self-destructiveness, but that is a folly of the naive I guess.

I am so so down about it. What practical steps do I take towards losing my self-destructive streak? And forgetting about that my ex?

TitoPuente

Dumped Geezer wrote: »

What practical steps do I take towards losing my self-destructive streak? And forgetting about that my ex?

Cut off all contact with her. End of story.

LegacyUser

Tito,

You are dead right. Your frank and brutal honesty was needed to kick me into shape. I told her a few 'home truths', and have cut off contact. I'm even getting a new number.

Thanks.

I'll keep you guys posted if you want

miec

I want to be the guy who helps her from her self-destructiveness, but that is a folly of the naive I guess.

Why don't you be the nice guy to yourself and heal your self destructiveness. I know this sounds a bit off centre but would you consider reading a book called 'Women who love to much' by Robin Norwood, I know it is mainly aimed at women but it is equally applicable for men, you say you want to help her, heal her, that you are drawn to her but she is toxic, you need to understand why you are drawn to her because down the line you'll attract another toxic woman and the whole cycle will occur again, I say this because I do it myself and I read that book and it really opened my eyes to myself. I wanted to save the world but forgot about myself. You need to relearn that you deserve better and not be used in this manner.

Taltos

miec wrote: »

Why don't you be the nice guy to yourself and heal your self destructiveness. I know this sounds a bit off centre but would you consider reading a book called 'Women who love to much' by Robin Norwood, I know it is mainly aimed at women but it is equally applicable for men, you say you want to help her, heal her, that you are drawn to her but she is toxic, you need to understand why you are drawn to her because down the line you'll attract another toxic woman and the whole cycle will occur again, I say this because I do it myself and I read that book and it really opened my eyes to myself. I wanted to save the world but forgot about myself. You need to relearn that you deserve better and not be used in this manner.

+1
Put yourself first for a change.
Now - delete her number; delete email; delete contact from facebook / bebo whatever or just delete your accounts. & BLOCK her number from your phone or get a new number.

Finally take responsibility for yourself as per Miec - no-one is holding a gun to your head to make you reply to her...