feeling so low..Help please

LegacyUser

Hi All,

Just need to vent and write down how I feel. This is a really long story and a very tricky situation. I will try and keep it shortish though.

I am feeling so low and depressed, and it is my doing I guess. I am with someone almost 13 years and we have a daughter. Basically since our daughter came along things were never the same, I drifted away, and really fell out of love with him, he was more of a friend to me. If I am being honest I think I felt that way even before that. Anyway I suffered bad pnd after the birth, and he was there for me 100%.....slowly I got my life back and felt stronger, but my feelings for him as a partner and lover where just not there.
I started to have feelings and fantasys about being with other people, and I felt so stuck, but I stayed because for my daughter, and I didnt want to hurt him...

So last summer, I decided I needed to make the break, and he wanted me to aswell, he was sick of how undecided I was, which I totally agreed with. So I moved into a friends, which happens to be related to him, and it was a horrible mistake on my part, things didnt work out at all....so two weeks before Xmas he said to me why dont you come home until at least Jan, so I agreed, as I wanted security for my daughter after what happened with the move etc...We do get on great, we also get on each others nerves...But I knew it was short term, so I was happy enough and had a good Xmas. I must mention that throughout the time we had broke up, we were still sleeping together occassionly, and there was no one else in the picture for either of us.

So that brings me to now, I have finally found a new place, and suppose to be moving this weekend...But I am getting cold feet, and suffering panic attacks so bad...I went through all this when we broke up last summer...it took me over a month to feel slightly normal again...I feel safe and comfortable here, and this is my daughters home aswell.
I really dont know what to do, but I know I cant stay here for security. I was awake all last night thinking how much I didnt want to be on my own, thinking what if he meets someone else, all these thoughts were floating around my head. And I know if I move out in time I will be fine, but its so hard when you have a child as you have to see them..

I spoke to him about it tonight, and he is so great, he just said ah you will be fine, you always are...and he said it was my decision. But I said to him, you never gave me a reason for wanting to stay with you...and his responce was the same as always, you left me, you told me it was over etc....I am to tired to argue over who said and did what.

I want security for my daughter, but I am affraid I wont cope...I dont have much family support..I know you might think I am being silly, but I suffer with depression and anxiety, and it can get bad....

Sorry for the long rant, if it doesnt make sense its probably because I am so confused. I want to make the right decision...

any advise would be appreciated..

anucksunamun

Honesty answers now:

Do you love him, at all?

Are you both happy together?

Is it fair to keep him hanging on as a back up in case you dont meet anyone else?

Do you think your child is happier with this limbo then being secure one way or another?

Do you think its healthy for either of you to still be sleeping together?

the glass woman

Hi OP,

I'm very sorry to hear what you're going through, I'm going through similar, but it was my husband who decided he wasnt happy and had an affair. I know it was your decision but at least you were honest about it and went about it the right way and that took courage.

I am just wondering why can you not stay and live in the family home where you and your daughter feel safe and secure, and let your partner find somewhere else to live? I know its you who want to leave, but given your circumstances and you are the main parent etc I don't think thats unreasonable. I know people might think its unfair on your partner but as you said he isn't doing anything to keep you from leaving so he obviously agrees its for the best.

LegacyUser

anck su namun wrote: »

Honesty answers now:

Do you love him, at all?

Are you both happy together?

Is it fair to keep him hanging on as a back up in case you dont meet anyone else?

Do you think your child is happier with this limbo then being secure one way or another?

Do you think its healthy for either of you to still be sleeping together?

Hi there, you asked some very valid questions.
Yes I do love him deeply, but not in love, and not happy most of the time with him. And it isnt fair to keep him hanging on at all. I know my child will be happy if I am, but right now I dont know what will make me happy. I hate hurting myself, but more than that I hate hurting others. I have been unhappy for so long, and cant seem to get it right.
I am moving this weekend, and I hope it works this time. In regards to us sleeping together I dont see anything wrong with that, its habit I guess, and there has never been anyone else in the picture for either of us.

LegacyUser

the glass woman wrote: »

Hi OP,

I'm very sorry to hear what you're going through, I'm going through similar, but it was my husband who decided he wasnt happy and had an affair. I know it was your decision but at least you were honest about it and went about it the right way and that took courage.

I am just wondering why can you not stay and live in the family home where you and your daughter feel safe and secure, and let your partner find somewhere else to live? I know its you who want to leave, but given your circumstances and you arre the main parent etc I don't think thats unreasonable. I know people might think its unfair on your partner but as you said he isn't doing anything to keep you from leaving so he obviously agrees its for the best.

hi,

thx for your response, and sorry to here what happened with your husband, that must be really horrible, I can only imagine how hurtful it is. The reason I am not staying is because it is his house, he bought several years ago when we were going through a bad patch, and I was disgusted, I never felt like it was my own, However when my daughter was born I made it my own....Anyway this is why I am moving out.

Angus Og

Even when you move out, the security will still be there. You sound like good friends, and he obviously wants to be part of his child's life. He doesn't sound as if he would resent you for leaving, and at the same time, you might be holding up his life.

Move out and see what happens. He'll still be there for your daughter, and probably you as well.

And I think you should stop sleeping together. It's just a bad idea, especially as you sound like great friends.

jellyboy

Hi op

your mail struck a chord with me

What do u think love is?

maybe your thinking to much?

what would happen if you left go of trying?

__plec__

Hi OP,

really sory to hear about your struggle,sounds so tough.Im honestly cant relate exactly with your circumstances but il give you my opinion anyway.Its obvious that you are unhappy,but i think its an internal thing,and you are looking at things around you and thinking they are the problem.Its easy when feeling down to think that circumstances etc are our reason for unhappiness,yet its how we think about these things that is the real cause.Once you realise this then thats a big step.

What id recommend is councelling for a while and see how that works.Also read up on the internet about positive thinking etc,surround yourself by things you want etc,make a decision now to put yourself first.Tell yourself that you,and only you, are in control of your happiness,even though you may feel you're not.Its obvious you need to take action,but please try and take it in a positive direction.From what i hear is that any solutions you plan are just going to cause other problems,hense a vicious and confused cycle.

Your priority has to be your happiness,when you are happy you are then in a fantastic position to help your daughter,and make other decisions,such as do you move out etc.

Hope all that makes some sense,would be happy to talk more about positive thinking if you'd like

It will all work out,just try and believe that
Best of luck with it all

LegacyUser

__plec__ wrote: »

Hi OP,

really sory to hear about your struggle,sounds so tough.Im honestly cant relate exactly with your circumstances but il give you my opinion anyway.Its obvious that you are unhappy,but i think its an internal thing,and you are looking at things around you and thinking they are the problem.Its easy when feeling down to think that circumstances etc are our reason for unhappiness,yet its how we think about these things that is the real cause.Once you realise this then thats a big step.

What id recommend is councelling for a while and see how that works.Also read up on the internet about positive thinking etc,surround yourself by things you want etc,make a decision now to put yourself first.Tell yourself that you,and only you, are in control of your happiness,even though you may feel you're not.Its obvious you need to take action,but please try and take it in a positive direction.From what i hear is that any solutions you plan are just going to cause other problems,hense a vicious and confused cycle.

Your priority has to be your happiness,when you are happy you are then in a fantastic position to help your daughter,and make other decisions,such as do you move out etc.

Hope all that makes some sense,would be happy to talk more about positive thinking if you'd like

It will all work out,just try and believe that
Best of luck with it all

Hi there, thx for your advise, everything you said made sense. I really want to take control of my life, and have been trying since my daughter was born...it just seems hard, and I hate not knowing what I want...I moved out last year as I said, and it killed me, I did go to counselling, and it helped a little, the counseller said it was the security that I needed, and holding onto, and I dont realise how much I achieved on my own, i know all this but sometimes it gets hard to keep telling yourself to be positive. I have realised I am my own worst enemy....I panic even before I do something, I prempt everything, and assume it will be worse than it actually is.
I am so affraid he wont wait for me to to sort my head out, and it hurts so much, I do love him a lot, and I want to be a family for my daughter, but there is nothing more than friendship there, and I think both of us want more. I spoke to him about everything, and he is so good and strong, he comforted me, and it is me who is moving and hurting him. Although he said he was okay with it, as he knew in his head it was over a long time ago, and adjusted to it...

I am getting the keys of my new place today, and everyone is excited and happy for me, and they dont see how much I am hurting inside, all my family and friends live where I am moving, and all they are thinking about is having me there for them....

I am going to give it a good go, and try my best to make it work this time.....

would love to here from someone who went through this??