On my own again

the glass woman

I don't really know where to start here..

My marriage recently ended, we're keeping things open for a while as my husband has a lot of work to do on himself. Basically he lied his way through the past 6 months and began a relationship with another woman. When I first found out we decided to try and make things work through counselling etc, but after months of marriage counselling and hard work on my part to overcome the betrayal, i found out he was back with the other woman for all but 1 of those months. I was devastated, still am really, I love him and we have a very young child, which is why i am trying to remain supportive.

However although it's been a matter of weeks since he moved out, I am pulling my life back together. I am about to begin my own business which should provide a convenient and comfortable life for me and my son. I also have been getting out and meeting friends and lots of new people through new hobbies and clubs. And most importantly I have been getting my own counselling weekly. People close to me, including my counsellor, wonder why I am coping so well, and I know they wonder am i in denial or something. I don't know why I am coping, I suppose I am a strong person, but also there is the relief I feel from being away from him and his moods, and our life over the past year where I almost felt responsible for his moods etc, and complete lack of interest in me or our son. Don't get me wrong I have my bad days too where my heart feels like its breaking, and the first few weeks after he moved out I went to pieces, but i feel ok now.

The thing is I'm beginning to really crave some male attention. Not a relationship or anything, but I just want to feel wanted, or attractive for a change. I began to feel like this over the past few months of our marriage as obviously my husband wasn't interested in me. I met a gorgeous guy yesterday at an exhibition, just got chatting, he was there on his own, and all of a sudden i felt that excitement of attraction again. I felt alive again but totally torn as to how i'm supposed to feel or behave. The last time i was out flirting with guys and single I was 18 and turning them away as i had my heart set on my now husband. I'm 31 now, still young i suppose but def not as attractive, and you know what having a child does to you, so my confidence is shot. Also I know every decision I make will have to be as a responsible mother, and i have to come to terms with the fact that telling men I have a toddler is going to be a major turn off!

What am i supposed to do now. My sensible side tells me I'm still married and a mother, and should stay clear of men for a couple of years as anything would be a rebound thing. On the other hand I would love to be out having some fun! But what if i fall for someone and end up hurt again, or what if no guy looks at me twice now.

Anyway just wanted to get all that out! Thanks for reading my long post and thanks in advance for any advice.

Davexirl

I think in this day and age there are lots of single mothers around and I know myself it wouldn't bother me if I met someone and she had any children, obviously I cant speak for all me but you'll find its a lot more common now a days. I'd say get out there and have fun, you can still be a responsible mother at the same time and you say that you hope not to fall for someone and get hurt, well doesn't everyone fear that. Don't be worrying get out there and enjoy yourself.

anucksunamun

Your post makes my heart just break for you, I am so glad for you and your son that he is gone, or should I say this half life limbo you've lived for the year is over

What would be so bad if you let yourself have a rebound relationship :eek: ? seriously here? you dont have to immediately pick a man to fill the shoes you always wanted your husband to.. what if you just had some fun for once, just for you? You are a young woman, who happens to have a child, who happens to be separated.. who still has needs (everybody needs to feel wanted and desirable) that probably haven't been met in a long time.. I say go for it girl.. let your hair down and have some fun! you deserve it!

Your worried you'll fall for someone, my advice on that is this... keep your son as your number one priority here, I would wait a long time before introducing him to any other men, as he may see it as a replacement daddy situation and totally rebel against him.

The best of luck whatever you do OP, dont forget to look after yourself as well as your son X.

the glass woman

anck su namun wrote: »

Your post makes my heart just break for you, I am so glad for you and your son that he is gone, or should I say this half life limbo you've lived for the year is over

What would be so bad if you let yourself have a rebound relationship :eek: ? seriously here? you dont have to immediately pick a man to fill the shoes you always wanted your husband to.. what if you just had some fun for once, just for you? You are a young woman, who happens to have a child, who happens to be separated.. who still has needs (everybody needs to feel wanted and desirable) that probably haven't been met in a long time.. I say go for it girl.. let your hair down and have some fun! you deserve it!

Your worried you'll fall for someone, my advice on that is this... keep your son as your number one priority here, I would wait a long time before introducing him to any other men, as he may see it as a replacement daddy situation and totally rebel against him.

The best of luck whatever you do OP, dont forget to look after yourself as well as your son X.

I would love to do that, and see what I've been missing for so long, but another (bigger) part of me wants to hold on and try and make things work with my husband, when he sorts himself out. For the sake of our marriage and our child. But then again I have to be prepared for the fact that he may not want to try again, or worse still he could betray my trust for a third time. Even writing that makes me feel like a doormat! But I don't know if i can give my marriage up so easily. I do love him and he's not a bad man.

LegacyUser

Your husband had enough chances. You have nothing to be guilty about if you want something for yourself.

You have gone way above and beyond the call of duty already for your husband and he threw it back in your face.

You only have today. This could be a gift to you. Take it.

anucksunamun

Sweetheart do you think you would ever trust him again? Enough to rebuild a relationship? Be honest with yourself, only you know the answer. I really can understand all the reasons you want to do so, is it the best thing for you? would you be happy? forget how everyone else feels, only concentrate on yourself here.. x.

the glass woman

anck su namun wrote: »

Sweetheart do you think you would ever trust him again? Enough to rebuild a relationship? Be honest with yourself, only you know the answer. I really can understand all the reasons you want to do so, is it the best thing for you? would you be happy? forget how everyone else feels, only concentrate on yourself here.. x.

Probably not if I was honest! But the thoughts of putting myself out in the dating scene again fills me with dread. I suppose I have to develop a carefree attitude towards men for a while..

I don't know what to do. He was my first love, as I was his, and we have a long history of happy memories, I think they are probably what I am in love with most..

anucksunamun

the glass woman wrote: »

He was my first love, as I was his, and we have a long history of happy memories, I think they are probably what I am in love with most..

Its so easy to base a relationship on what we thought someone was like, be so in love with the idea of someone, and so disappointed when we finally see the reality, speaking from personal experience here

To Quote myself on another thread:

anck su namun wrote: »

Ok, no guts, no glory... :eek: ... I gave up, absolutely.. I decided I was extremely happy to be known as the cat lady.. at the ripe old age of 24 :rolleyes: I truly believed every person on this earth was horrible and not worth my interest (badly, badly hurt by ex and miscarriage ) I was bitter and my view of the world was warped.. I was deep in a hole of self delusion believing I would never meet anyone worth risking being hurt..

So I worked on myself, on making myself happy, on being kind to myself for once.. not over thinking everything.. filling my days with things I enjoyed.. And I realised, I dont need anyone else but me.. I am my own best friend.. I can give myself some slack sometimes.. the earth wont spin off its axis!! It didnt matter if I met anyone, I always had me!

And then I met someone, :eek: he tells me everyday how much he loves how positive I always am, he even jokes if my house exploded and i was on fire I'd still say, ' ah shur, it could always be worse' cause I learned things only matter if you let them matter.. if you move on.. they have no power over you.. you have your whole life ahead of you to learn this lesson too I think the vibe I had been giving out had changed, and I hope you have a similar outcome in the end..

Basically the jist of all that hun is once you feel good about yourself, you'll be surprised how easy it is to remember what its like to flirt with someone else.. have an emotional bond.. even an intellectual one.. It may be hard for you with your little man to look after but to look after him properly you have to look after yourself too

kill bill

sounds like you have had enough pain during the last few months of the marraige you deserve some happiness now for you.. i would say dont rush into anything but if someone comes along that you like and gives you goosebumps its ok - go for a meal have a laugh you dont want any commintments yet enjoy your freedom just be careful dont give too much too soon and your child doesnt need to be involved yet.....:cool:

T "real deal" J

Fair played to you. you've done extremely well to move on from that awful situation you were in. It's definately good now to go dating again.

If you feel less confident about your weight hit the gym (if you have the time). You'll feel great, get in shape and it'll help with your self-esteem. There's no reason why you shouldn't feel like a million dollars. Great thing is that eventually you will meet a better guy out there that will make you happy and treat you great.

Good luck.

the glass woman

anck su namun wrote: »

Its so easy to base a relationship on what we thought someone was like, be so in love with the idea of someone, and so disappointed when we finally see the reality, speaking from personal experience here

To Quote myself on another thread:


Basically the jist of all that hun is once you feel good about yourself, you'll be surprised how easy it is to remember what its like to flirt with someone else.. have an emotional bond.. even an intellectual one.. It may be hard for you with your little man to look after but to look after him properly you have to look after yourself too

That makes a whole lot of sense, thanks, and I'm delighted it worked out so well for you

I think the reason I am coping so well through this is because I've already started a lot of self improving work, for my mind body and spirit, and I am enjoying the freedom to be the person who was being suffocated through being with someone who wouldn't communicate on any deep level with me.

This could be a gift to you.

This really resonates with me..
On the other hand I am terrified of what the future holds, if I choose to go it alone, along with the stigma attached to being a single/loan parent, and separated at the age of 30!!

Angus Og

That stigma will always be there if people don't stand up for themselves. Not long ago there was a stigma attached to being gay, there was one attached to the victims of child abuse. Look around, the world has changed, and is still changing. Don't be afraid to seek happiness.

the glass woman

T real deal J wrote: »

It's definately good now to go dating again.

I'm really surprised that everyone seems to be of that opinion, its only been a matter of weeks since he left, I really thought people would be advising me to take some time alone for a while after coming out of a 13 year relationship.

anucksunamun

It will work out for you too hun The reason I have said for you to move on is basically emotionally this relationship seems to have been over a lot longer, probably since you first found out he had been unfaithful?...

As for the stigma you speak of.. is anyone who thinks like that really worth your time hun? Only you and your husband know what has happened between you.. no-one else has any right to judge your actions whatsoever! (and I think you were very lucky to get out when you did hun, lies and disrespect of your relationship do not a happy family make imo)

'I think the reason I am coping so well through this is because I've already started a lot of self improving work, for my mind body and spirit, and I am enjoying the freedom to be the person who was being suffocated through being with someone who wouldn't communicate on any deep level with me.' This is key, no matter what else happens keep on this road, after 13 years you'll find an awful lot has changed about you, your wants, needs, what you like in people, what you admire, all these may have changed, also theres a new woman you have yet to discover, you may have known her younger 18 year old self, take the time to get to know her, communicate on a deep level with her,

the glass woman

anck su namun wrote: »

It will work out for you too hun The reason I have said for you to move on is basically emotionally this relationship seems to have been over a lot longer, probably since you first found out he had been unfaithful?...

Actually you are right there, its been 6 months since I found out, ( I can't believe that, it feels like last month, not half a year!), and before that things obviously weren't great..

Thank you for all of your advice, I really appreciate it. x

anucksunamun

Your very welcome, I saw somewhere else you were advising books to read.. excellent choices.. you have that head screwed on very well lady x

the glass woman

anck su namun wrote: »

Your very welcome, I saw somewhere else you were advising books to read.. excellent choices.. you have that head screwed on very well lady x

Ah thank you! Am just learning as I go along, its my first ever break up - I don't do things by halves!!

the glass woman

Hi everyone
I know i've already posted in PI about what I'm going through but needed to post here today as am not feeling quite so positive about things..

My marriage of 3 yrs (13 yrs with him altogether) broke up on new yrs day, when i found out he'd been continuing an affair with a girl for the second time.. When i found out originally about the affair we sought counselling etc but it turned out he was still seeing her all the way through the counselling.

I've been dealing with it really well mostly but like i was saying before I have good days and bad days and today is most definitly a BAD DAY!!

Just feel so bloody down and lonely. You know that lonliness you get even though you have people around you. I've friends coming up today and I know I'll be there putting on a brave face but dying inside.

We are in constant touch as we have a 2yr old, thats the hardest thing, there's no clean break. I feel like texting him or asking him to call over later but i know there's no point as it'll just prolong the heartache. Recently he has been showing more and more interest in me but that's because he sees me getting dressed up and meeting new people and doing things, even if i am doing it half heartedly.

Anyway I'm just venting really, thats why i didnt put it in PI, but any comments would be very welcome

Thanks x

ogriofa

Hi,
sorry to hear about your pain. I didn't read your other thread, but without fear of contradiction... you're doing the right thing. Both for you and your kid.

Not being funny, how about a councilor for yourself? You are putting on the brave face for everyone, might be good for you to be a wimp in front of someone, to ask for help.

2 things, 1) you're doing the right thing & 2) do some exercise (any exercise)

Sounds like you've got some good pals there
Take care

Lynnsie

Hi Glass Woman,

I've been through a break up recently too. It was three months ago now after 6 years together I know your situation is much tougher as you were married and have a child. But all I can really say is the bad days get further apart. Then you'll find that it'll be a bad morning, or a bad few hours rather than whole bad days.

Don't feel like you have a put a brave face on to your friends, I'm guilty of that too but make sure there's someone you can let your guard down with now and again too. And it's great that you're keeping so active, even if it's half hearted it's great that you're doing it and not sitting at home moping!

You seem to be doing great so just remember there is light at the end of the tunnel, even though the lonliness is horrific and it doesn't matter how many people are around. Sometimes you feel more lonely in a crowd. PM me if you ever need to and best of luck

the glass woman

ogriofa wrote: »

Hi,
sorry to hear about your pain. I didn't read your other thread, but without fear of contradiction... you're doing the right thing. Both for you and your kid.

Not being funny, how about a councilor for yourself? You are putting on the brave face for everyone, might be good for you to be a wimp in front of someone, to ask for help.

2 things, 1) you're doing the right thing & 2) do some exercise (any exercise)

Sounds like you've got some good pals there
Take care

Thanks ogriofa, yes I have been going to counselling weekly and its helping a little bit but I suppose the only way out of something is to go through it, so it'll take time..

Ickle Magoo

Unfortunately the only cure for a broken heart is time.

You say he's showing more interest and you're tempted to contact him, this is obviously completely your call just be very careful, this is a guy who cheated his way through counselling having a second affair.

You are hurt, sad and had your self-esteem well & truly knocked. Try to stay strong, keep telling yourself you are a good person and you deserve to be loved, respected and able to trust your other-half.

Can you join some clubs or parenting groups, or go along to the TLL beers and meet people, it will become easier and more natural to be going out on your own, promise.

Big hugs, thinking of you.

Maple

OP, i'm not really sure TLL is the most suitable environment for this thread, personally i feel it more for PI.

I'm going to lock this for now and confer with fellow mods. We'll reopen or move it once agreed.

Thanks,

Maple.

Maple

Moved from TLL as agreed with The Recliner.

Maple.

The Recliner

Merged with existing thread

Op it is ok to vent here on an issue you have raised previously, lots of people do it and hopefully it helps