Spiralling out of control?

LegacyUser

hi there im going to try and keep this short. excuse the lack of punctuation. its late here and im trying to type quietly.

Basically;
im in college, i do like what i study but i never go in.i dont like the college/the people nd i suffer from anxiety and what i can only describe as social phobia (?)i think people are trying to kill me on the luas. or that everyone in college laughs at me. i have no friends there. the thing is i dont think i really even care. i hate other people. i feel as if ive lost the ability to connect to others. the only time i go out is if im drinking and lately ive been acting bizarre and erraticly. i.e getting bladdered,saying inappropriate things,cheating on bf with people i dont like,coming onto girls,class A drugs,putting myself in physical danger (passing out on footpaths after the pub) coming home with blood all over me from falling etc.

i have some sort of eating disorder. its been a constant source of mental anguish for 4 years now. i didnt think it was having any consequences but looking through old photographs has really upset me. im destroying myself. the physical effects are really starting to kick in now but the mental side is worse.

i have virtually no relationship with my mother she is really broke too so we fight a lot. i have no job, so not a pot too piss in.no health insurance and no grant yet. iv been prone to depression since the ED started really. dr. knows about dep. but not the food issues. i went to same dr bravely after suicidal thoughts and two attempts. she was patronising and its shattered my confidence (i think her field of study as a gp is more in ob-gynaeocology)

my boyfriend is a nice guy and loves me but i am cold to him and mean, i have no libido and dont like him touching me. i dont know if i love him bcos im incapable of feeling anything 'real' right now.

im sorry for the length. any advice would b really appreciated,thanks btw im 19

Victor

Do you have any other support structures - you mention a GP, but is there a counsellor or anything else? If not, college is likely to have free or nearly free counselling service. They are also likely to have a medical service if you feel that your GP isn't giving you enough attention.

However, you need to be honest with these people and not hold back things. Doctors hear about such problems all the time and are there to help you. If you want support, ask a friend or you boyfriend to go with you. They can sit with you the whole time or wait in the waiting room, its up to you.

Dark Phoenix

all I can say OP is get an appointment either with the college medical centre or with your GP and tell them what you have told us. You have recognised that you have a problem and that is the first step so now it is time to get you some help.

Peggypeg

Hey OP,

First of all, BIG BIG BIG Hug, your life sounds awful at the moment. Also, no one on the Luas is trying to kill you and people aren't laughing at you, in case that helps. I just feel so sorry for you, it sounds like your depression (if that's what it is) has become unmanagable. It would seem that you're on a path of self destruction and that you know it but can't stop it. You really really need to seek out help. There is just no way that anyone could deal with what you're dealing with alone. Also your boyfriend sounds like a saint, it would be awful if you push him away. I know that you don't want to be touched etc. but there are other ways to show you appreciate him sticking with you, when you're having one of your better moments tell him you're sorry for how you've been treating him and that you know he's putting up with stuff that he shouldn't have to. Sweetie, you really owe it to yourself to find help, I know it can feel so overwhelming to even get up in the morning when you feel so low and upset but I honestly think that if you go to your college councellor or another GP (don't go back to the other one), that you'll get the help you need. Everyone needs help sometimes, don't be afraid to ask for it.

The very best of luck OP.