why cant he be friends

LegacyUser

i broke up with my boyfriend a few months ago, he had problems with his family and i admit i did leave when he was having things hard but i pushed for it rather than just dump him by not talking to him as much so he could have some dignity.

in the last month or so i tried to contact him to be friends he did reply but hes being very cold towards me, he seems to have a all or nothing attitude to me, the thing is we got on like a house on fire he was my best friend and i cant imagine having more fun with anyone else, i could really be myself around him.

how can i convince him to be friends i know i left him when things got tough but im hear now how can he have a all or nothing attitude?

Jessiegirl

Because he can. Because you dumped him.
You can't expect to just walk back in to his life

If he doesn't want to be friends or ignore you you have to respect that.
It might hurt your feelings but you probably hurt him a lot more when you dumped him.

I guess you could leave it for a while, if you are admanant, and maybe contact him again in a few months, time might help, you should give him space. Oh and if you are serious give him a phonecall - don't text or email him.

sam34

friend back wrote: »

i admit i did leave when he was having things hard

not a very nice thing to do to the man you describe as your "best friend"

but i pushed for it rather than just dump him by not talking to him as much so he could have some dignity

do you actually think you deserve some credit for not dumping-by-ignoring??
that's simply a common courtesy, not something to pat yourself on the back for

how can i convince him to be friends i know i left him when things got tough but im hear now how can he have a all or nothing attitude?

you're here now?? great. unfortunately for him, he needed you in the past and you werent there for him.

why should he give a damn now that youre back and you want your friend back?

LegacyUser

the thing i left out is that he was more irritable to be around towards the end, he never said anything bad to me but was spending more time in the pub, it was hard to see because i dated a alcoholic before and it hurts, i got scared but i feel happier now is that wrong??

OS119

one of the great things about being an adult is we get to decide who we're friends, and not friends, with.

you pissed on his chips, and you seem to believe that a) you deserve a pat on the back for not being a complete arsehole in the way you did it, and b) that you have a right to his friendship.

you don't. unlucky.

cafecolour

The best way to get over an ex (especially if you're the one dumped) is complete lack of contact. It's best for him, leave him be.

hollis12

first of all what a great way to deal with your problems, run away from them, you were not his best friend im sure the least of his friends stuck by him in tough times.

id change this attitude before your next relationship or else your destined to be alone.

yes the sad truth is were entitled to our attitudes i think the catholic church are cu*ts, i dont like being friends with exs and i also have a all or nothing attitude and me like him are entitled to that, you gave up any claim to his friendship when you dumped him.

Taltos

Ok - 1st - the comment to the point:

LEAVE HIM ALONE.


Now - come on - please stop being so selfish and trying to assuage your own guilt about being such a wonderful friend to someone who needed one. Let him get on with his own life. Maybe at some point he might want to be friends again, more than likely he does not.

Let him get on with his life WITHOUT you, and you just go on about yours.

Don't love you anymore but want to be friends - this might not be what you said exactly but kinda reads how you are behaving now. It is also the one phrase that we guys are programmed to hate. And the more you push it the more that hate will rise and eventually find you as a target.

Wagon

friend back wrote: »

i broke up with my boyfriend a few months ago, he had problems with his family and i admit i did leave when he was having things hard but i pushed for it rather than just dump him by not talking to him as much so he could have some dignity.

So? It's not exactly something to be proud of. It's how it's supposed to be done.

in the last month or so i tried to contact him to be friends he did reply but hes being very cold towards me, he seems to have a all or nothing attitude to me,

I have the same one with my girlfriend. If we ever broke up, id never go back.

the thing is we got on like a house on fire he was my best friend and i cant imagine having more fun with anyone else, i could really be myself around him.

And yet you dumped him. So obviously there was something missing.

how can i convince him to be friends i know i left him when things got tough but im hear now how can he have a all or nothing attitude?

Yes he can.

When you break up with someone you have to accept the fact that they may never be in your life again. And it's his decision as if he wants to be friends, it not yours because you did the dumping. From what i can tell he clearly doesn't. Leave him alone.

Angus Og

It sounds as though you've hurt yourself as much as him.

The reason he can't be a friend to you is because you hurt him when he needed the friend part of you. Even if he still lusted after you, it would be impossible for him to accept you. The part that makes two lovers friends is extremely important, and you killed it by breaking up with him when he needed that very thing.

I doubt that it will matter, but you need to accept that you did him wrong, rather than blaming him for being devastated by your betrayal.

krudler

Why would he want to be friends with you? you dumped him, if I was dumped and my ex asked me to be friends she'd be told to fcuk off, why do women want to be friends after they've just ripped your heart out?

Nevyn

You dumped him and most likely broke his heart, leave him alone to heal and stop selfishly trying to keep him in your life as a friend so you can feel better about yourself.

colly10

I could never be friends with an ex, even if it ended well and I liked them as a person I still wouldn't be able to view them as a friend, most people think the same, it's unlikely to work.
He can have an all or nothing attitude because thats the way he feels, he can't view you as a friend

AnonoBoy

You don't get to decide you want to be friends with an ex and then get pissy when they don't want to be friends with you.

Sorry but it just doesn't work like that.

In an ideal world we'd all get along and behave as adults but people's feelings get in the way.

I know I have ex-girlfriends that I could amicably sit and chat with and others that I would barely acknowledge in the street if we met.

You don't get to decide whether he is friends with you or not. That's just the way it is.

LegacyUser

AnonoBoy wrote: »

You don't get to decide you want to be friends with an ex and then get pissy when they don't want to be friends with you.

Sorry but it just doesn't work like that.

In an ideal world we'd all get along and behave as adults but people's feelings get in the way.

I know I have ex-girlfriends that I could amicably sit and chat with and others that I would barely acknowledge in the street if we met.

You don't get to decide whether he is friends with you or not. That's just the way it is.

listen i know he was going through a bad time but he started drinking more, to the point were he was locked. it was embarrassing i was afraid he would always be like that or would he change back to his old self.

i couldnt shake the image of him drunk,has anyone had experience with this??

LegacyUser

Hello OP,

I am in a similar situation, in your ex's shoes actually!

Facts:
You have no right for him to automatically be your friend. You left him, when he needed his friends most. To want him back as a friend now is kinda selfish
Unfortunately, you MUST acknowledge and accept this. This will help you to see things from his eyes, and why he is acting a little cold. If you were to put yourself in his shoes, would you not be a little cold, to an ex lover, an ex best friend?

Advice:
If you want to be friends with him, contact him. Call him, swallow your pride, and get talking a little bit. Then you MUST apologize. This will help him to see you as human again, and to a lesser extent consider your friendship again. It will heal wounds, and relieve guilt. After that, try to be HIS friend, so that he will reciprocate, and you can have a TRUE friendship.

Opinion:
If he has replied, my opinion is that he still may harbour some feelings for you, although the coldness is a reflection of his hurt that you have caused him. To have these strong feelings for an ex, makes me think that you too may harbour feelings for him (although I am willing to concede that opinion!)

Please, if you want to be friends with him, do it for mutual benefit, no selfish reasons.

'To get what you really want and love, u gotta pay the price of risking rejection.'

D.I. Magnum

LegacyUser

i agree i have no right to his friendship but i do want it, he did really hurt me when he started drinking again

LegacyUser

You dated an alcoholic previously and now your ex was displaying some of the behaviour patterns of an alcoholic. I can completely understand why you bolted. But really should he be your 'best friend'. Ok he could be a good guy, they usually are, but when there is alcoholic behaviour unfortunately even as a 'friend' you will be exposed to the pitfalls of knowing the alcoholic. I have tried to accept, for myself, no matter how painful, you just have to stay away, it is an awful disease that erodes all sense of security, happiness or future plans you may have with someone... rarely is there a happy ever after ... so if this is your reason for breaking up well you did the right thing. Being his friend will not eliminate the impact his drinking will still have on you.... think about it .... is it worth the anguish.

Angus Og

The only problem with that is you left because he started drinking. Why would you want to go back? Shouldn't you have stopped him then and there, when he needed to be stopped.

Maybe that's what he's thinking. If he was your friend again, and he started drinking would you walk away again?

LegacyUser

Angus Og wrote: »

The only problem with that is you left because he started drinking. Why would you want to go back? Shouldn't you have stopped him then and there, when he needed to be stopped.

Maybe that's what he's thinking. If he was your friend again, and he started drinking would you walk away again?

well first of all i did date a alcoholic but as i say he defiantly wasnt a alcoholic!! he just binge drank when his family issues hit the fan.

he did this ever second week for two months previously he could drink and drink and drink but not get drunk when things were going tough (really tough) for him he drank to get drunk. he was not a alcoholic i just thought i had enough of drink. ill say again in his defense he didnt drink every day just the odd time got really really drunk in fact hes stoped binging now he does drink but not to get locked!!

he is a changed man and yes i did ask him to stop he actually told me that he was going through hard times and i dumped him so i know i did wrong

LegacyUser

boozelose wrote: »

You dated an alcoholic previously and now your ex was displaying some of the behaviour patterns of an alcoholic. I can completely understand why you bolted. But really should he be your 'best friend'. Ok he could be a good guy, they usually are, but when there is alcoholic behaviour unfortunately even as a 'friend' you will be exposed to the pitfalls of knowing the alcoholic. I have tried to accept, for myself, no matter how painful, you just have to stay away, it is an awful disease that erodes all sense of security, happiness or future plans you may have with someone... rarely is there a happy ever after ... so if this is your reason for breaking up well you did the right thing. Being his friend will not eliminate the impact his drinking will still have on you.... think about it .... is it worth the anguish.

well thats my problem hopefully you can help me with it, i did date a alcoholic but he just went bad on it for 2 months and by bad i mean drinking to excess those times once a week!!

my last alco boyfriend drank every day!! what expereinces have you got of alcoholics?

hollis12

listen to give a professional spin on it, he certainly wasnt an alcoholic, in fact 70% of people have turned to drink when things get hard in a minor way, an example is victims of child abuse who attend counselling have sometimes been shown to partake in substance abuse, are they alcoholics no! is there a diffence between someone who drinks because of severe pain and someone whos addicted to it yes! get it right or you risk insulting him further!

Sephiroth_dude

Just leave him alone for a while,probbly needs space.

Victor

People in this country fail to understand that alcoholics don't have to drink everyday to be alcoholics. Having a pint or two several days a week is much better (for your brain, liver and general society) than drinking the same total over a period of 6 hours on a Saturday.

hollis12

Victor wrote: »

People in this country fail to understand that alcoholics don't have to drink everyday to be alcoholics. Having a pint or two several days a week is much better (for your brain, liver and general society) than drinking the same total over a period of 6 hours on a Saturday.

well theres no doubt that drinking a weeks worth in a day i a unhealty attitude to drinking but that is generally considered alcohol abuse if it was triggered by traumatic events at the time.