Short script, first attempt

Billy86

Long time lurker, first time poster.

I finished this about two months back, but never noticed a writing forum on here. Anyway, it is a short screenplay intended as farcical comedy and is basically borne out of a collection of frustrated stories and rants from myself & people I know related to the, erm, 'credit crunch'. I put the opening scene in 'code' as a kind of preview, but to be honest I am just not arsed formatting the whole thing. :P

Also, if anybody working in the financial sector happens to read this, could I please get some feedback about any inaccuracies? I've talked to a few people and made some adjustments to help this, but just want to be 100% sure it is accurate.

Here is a link to the full script - it's only a 14 page short, so don't worry! You don't need to do any downloading, it's in PDF format (just hit 'fullscreen' then 'zoom' once or twice). Really handy website for uploading little things like this on the fly, no registration needed and really accessible.
Full script - http://drop.io/dmlirxl#

First scene:

[B]INT. APARTMENT - NIGHT
[/B]A bare apartment; minimal and makeshift furniture or decor.
Despite the lack of objects, it is still messy.

[B]JACK [/B](O.S.)
I know, I know.
(beat)
No trust me, I am taking this is
very seriously, it’s my life
we’re talking about here! I’ve
been waiting to hear back from
them forever! Believe me, I feel
the same.

Jack enters the camera wearing cheap suit pants,
mismatching socks and a wrinkled shirt - a line of sweat
developing on the collar. He has what appears to be a bank
statement in hand.

[B]JACK [/B](cont’d)
No believe me, there’s no need
for the prelegal agents, please
not them yet. It’s been so long
that I’ll have to get it soon. I
know what they do and that is the
last thing I want.
Jack approaches the camera unwittingly, so we can hear the
voice on the other end.

[B]PHONE[/B] (O.S.)
Well I will see what I can do
Mr. Murphy, but please be careful
with your spending in future, and
inform us as soon as your
emergency tax comes in.

[B]JACK[/B]
Understood; I’ll go into the tax
office again first thing
tomorrow.

Hanging up the phone, Jack reclines on his couch with a
beer and flicks through some channels.

[B]Superimpose [/B]--
THE CRUNCH

[B]JACK [/B](cont’d)
****ING USELESS DODGY BOXES!!

[B]CUT TO:[/B]

Any feedback, good or bad, would be hugely appreciated.

dcmu

The thing about a screemplay is that the dialogue really needs to sparkle. Yours doesn't. It's quite mediocre, and I'm not really sure what it's about.
I know it's just an excerpt, but I can't see how it drives the plot, or whether it even does that. You need to get the message across in two or three lines, then sell it visually. Or else you need really, really sharp dialogue, like an In Bruges, or a Juno.

Keep trying though. It's not poor writing. It just isn't screenplay writing.

pickarooney

I was kind of bored reading the first few pages but started to get interested near the end. I think it has potential, but needs to open on a faster note.

I imagine you have a clear image in your head of the camera angles, background music and other audiovidual effects which would up the pace of the opening, but from the script itself all we get is that he keeps changing shirts.

It could do with a more complete ending, I feel. It's all well and good to leave things open to interpretation, but there are too many variables and possibilities as to what did/will happen. Better to have two or three clear possibilities than a completely open scenario.

Billy86

DCMU - thanks for the feedback, the dialogue does admittedly start off a little 'on-the-nose' and perhaps is too lengthy (or at least chunky). I did find it a struggle to establish the situation quickly in a short format though, it's something that will (hopefully!) come a little more naturally down the line. If you want to see the full script just click on the 'drop.io' link above the excerpt, it doesn't require downloading.

Pickarooney - What I tried to do was establish the world as 'normal' and escalate the absurdity from there on in. I didn't want to start off the story as 'screwball' as it finishes since I just figured it would be entirely over-the-top and come across as similar to some of the God-awful attempts at satire/absurdist humour we get 'treated' to on RTE from time to time. I also didn't want to go too dry because our entire financial sector/situation is just that... absurd. Doesn't deserve to be treated with the dignity of anything else really.

About the lack of visuals in the script though. I could very well be wrong here, but I was under the impression that direction and whatnot doesn't go down well at all with readers, agents, producers, etc (since it is effectively trying to do the director & DP's jobs)? It might be a cultural thing though, since I posted it on a screenwriting forum (mostly Americans), and one of the things that was pointed out was that the changes of clothing were unnecessary (though I had intended it as a motif of Jack's worsening situation), and often times scripts posted on there get criticism for having way too much direction, essentially being shooting scripts rather than spec scripts. Again I don't know, anybody able to shed some further light on this?

The point of the ambiguous ending was basically to hint at it just being a continuous loop (or a continuous downard spiral, e.g. it is only a phone call at the start but a 'visit' from First Legal at the end). Maybe I need to work on it a little...