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relationship pain

  • 06-02-2010 9:52pm
    #1
    LegacyUser
    Registered Users, Registered Users 2 Posts: 166,012 ✭✭✭✭


    i am married for a few years, during the early stages of my relationship we broke up. it was her decison. we were apart for about 12 weeks. during that time she slept with another guy. it still hurts. she did not tell me when we got back together but i found out. i have tried to deal with it but it hurts and continues to hurt. she just gets mad when i bring it up. it was along time ago. but it upsets me that she barely knew him and she could have called me anytime and i would have ran to her.
    things are so bad now i am thinking of separating. does anyone have any opinions or suggestions


Comments

  • #2
    Jessiegirl
    Registered Users, Registered Users 2 Posts: 148 ✭✭Jessiegirl


    Well this was while you were broken up, yes?
    Technically she did nothing wrong, she wasn't unfaithfull to you. You do understand this I hope
    This was also before you married, yes? Yet did you know this and still marry her, do you love her?

    I think you probably need to get professional help to deal with this, with your wife if necessary.
    If this is the only thing wrong with your marriage - or rather with you - it's an awful lot to throw away because you can't deal with it and your pain.
    Please go and get some counselling. You could try Acccord for example as a couple.


  • #3
    LegacyUser
    Registered Users, Registered Users 2 Posts: 166,012 ✭✭✭✭LegacyUser


    does it not mean there is something wrong with me. she preferred him to me. it has shattered my self esteem


  • #4
    Jessiegirl
    Registered Users, Registered Users 2 Posts: 148 ✭✭Jessiegirl


    How many years ago was this and how long are you married?

    She slept with someone WHILE YOU WERE BROKEN UP, YOU WERE NOT TOGETHER, it was no reflection on you, nothing persoanal!! :)

    She married you though, does that not tell you your answer??

    If you think after all this time it means there is something wrong with you then you definitely need help with that. That is your own lack of self-esteem and she can't fix that though she can help you if you talk to her about it.


  • #5
    mobilecore
    Closed Accounts Posts: 140 ✭✭mobilecore


    Alot will be discussed on this thread i imagine.
    I am probably going to open a can of worms here but i think this is not really a "grey" area as people make it.

    As for part 1 of the op's problem. they were broken up 12 weeks. .. 12 weeks is 3 months. It is a long time. By the second or even third month the mind will be in "have to move on phase" (if feelings still remain) or even at the point of already moved on. So yes. A person is single if its a 3 month broken up period as above. Thats clear as day.
    However, upon talking about that subject, I feel if a couple has a fight and a few weeks later (2-3 weeks) they're back together. I think if one party slept with another person in that time, thats just down right wrong. And a person can use the "i was single!!!" line all they want.

    there is a problem with the story OP has posted tho. His wife should of told him. Its not just about being single. we all know its a tricky situation because you wouldnt want to tell cause then you'll just be destroying things. But its that type of thing that when it comes out, and usually does, (like the op above) it will cause an issue and in his case more so because he found out and not being told.

    Trust and respect are built upon honesty. Hiding a fact that she slept with someone else isnt exactly being honest. But now so will form cracks in the relationship because of the lie. I believe honesty and respect are things that you do not "choose" when you want to abide by them. So ... your wife didnt cheat. However she lied. Which will make anyone... man or women question "what else did they hide?" - even if they didnt do anything else. Thats just a natural reaction. Obviously your wife was faced by being honest and destroying everything - or keeping a lie for it to never get caught out. But if it does, as it did, Bad move.

    So op you have to ask yourself if you can get over this. This really is your choice. If thats all she has done I guess it can be forgiven because this is years ago and she eventually married you. thats the kicker - she eventually married you. If this was only last month it would be a different story. Id say get the hell away from her! but its not that simple.
    But best advice is come down on either side of it as soon as. Last thing you want to do is for it to put a heavy strain on your relationship - then for you to wish to continue. That could do damage.

    Op did you know this before marrying her?


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