I'm slowly starting to give up

LegacyUser

hi there
i cant believe im writing this but here goes. for as long as i can remember i've never been happy. now dont get me wrong im not a miserable yoke but ive never been content. i have felt that the world is passing me by and that im not even a player in my own life.
my family situation isnt the best. my mother is and has been a very very manipulative person in my life and i even went as fair as escaping from her for a year "travelling" around the world when in fact i spent most of the year in sydney propped up at the bar getting **** faced. when i came back home nothing had changed so i went for my first set of counselling. it was good to begin with but i found that by the end of the six week stint i was just saying what the counsellor needed or wanted to hear.
anyway after the death of two very close family members one of which was my young cousin i went back to counselling. again the same thing i would feel great after the counselling but by the next day it would be back to square one of not being able to sleep or get up in the morning or even doing the simplest chores like brushing my teeth
anyway so i went back and tried my third counselling session but this time i concentrated on my drinking. i was starting to get very drunk very quick and then just heading home early and crying myself to sleep. i thought that i just had a drinking problem and that if i sorted that out i would finally be happy.
that was last may. i moved home cause i got a job at home. this was prob a major mistake on my behalf because i was living under the same roof as my mother again. things have gotten so bad that we hardly talk anymore we exchange pleasantries but i usually stay in my room on the laptop.
in the last nine months my work has suffered im way behind on my work targets and i have called in sick numerous times. please dont thnk im lazy but when i say that i cannot physically tie my shoelace im not making it up. trying to put on a pair of socks for me is like climbing a mountain
christmas was a disaster in which i got ****faced on st stephan's and then stayed at home for the rest of the week just wanting to sleep
i had two weeks off after christmas and i spent them in bed just getting up to use the bathroom and eat something. my friends were worried and annoying me by asking questions when all i wanted to do is sleep
eventually i called my aunt and told her everything. she made me go to the doctor and explain all to him. i didnt even cry when i was talking to him i was just exhausted. anyway he put me on antidepressants prozit i think they are called and i have been taking them for the past week
so far i only feel anxious i know they havent kicked in yet and that it'll take another little while till they do
last nite tho i scared myself. i was home alone and i just kept staring at my wrist and what it would be like to cut them. now i didnt pick up a knife or anything but i totally visualized the whole thing of me being in the bath and it filled with blood.
i knew that my mother wouldnt be home for another day or so. but the only thing that stopped me was thinking of my sister and dad and my aunts and i couldnt do it to them.
i called in sick today i couldnt face the world im going to pretend im sick when my mother comes home
this long story is my story and im sorry if it bored you but i needed to write it
i wanna know is there anybody else out there with similar problems? is there any advice you could give me? i think im going crazy literally.

tuom

Hi OP sorry you feel so bad, do you have anyone you could ring and talk to, it will really help , if you cant bring yourself to talk to a friend try and ring some agency or helpline.

LegacyUser

Hey there OP

It's so sad to think of anyone suffering as much as you are.

It sounds like you are very depressed. Believe me that is nothing you need to feel ashamed of! The fact that you have been to a doctor who has recognised it is such a huge step! I am also a depressive and unlike you my symptoms were for years over-eating then an obsession with my weight which turned in to bulimia....I went to every eating disorder counsellor in the book for years and i was getting nowhere - just felt like i would never be happy, i would always abuse myself (like your lack of motivation to get on with things) and i was dragged to my local GP by my mother when i told her i just couldn't go on.

She as trying to get me put in to a residential treatement centre when the doc suggested i try go on a course of ant--depressants. I was so against it, I saw it as a mind-altering drug and was terrified it was going to send me bonkers! I have to say it did take me about 4 weeks to really adjust (everyones different, i was prescribed Lexapro btw) but it was lke my whole entire outlook on life changed, i enjoy work more and am more more ambitious, i don't worry as much and i am so so happy - but naturally happy - for the right reasons - not like something mad drus do to you. I would feel very positive for you that there is lots of help and hope for you. All you need is the strength to never give up xxx

Novella

Don't feel like you need to say things to your counsellor for his/her benefit. Say what you feel, it's the only way you are going to move forward and things are going to get better. Maybe even print this and let your counsellor have a read of it?

If you feel that you are going to hurt yourself, the best thing to do is... something else. Sounds pretty simple but seriously, just do anything else at all to take your mind off it.

I know it probably seems like you are at the bottom of a big, huge mountain that you have to climb to survive but you have taken the biggest and hardest step - reaching out and asking for help. Well done. I really hope things get better for you and if you ever need someone just to listen to you, feel free to PM me or whatever.