Has an over-reaction spoiled everything? Or have I even over-reacted?

LegacyUser

Basically I've been seeing this girl for a few months. We've been getting along great, spending a lot of time together and always wanting to spend more. We're not exclusive(hate that word) or anything.

Anyway lastnight we went for dinner, and everything was going really well. We have both remarked how each other is quite easy to talk to and have told each other some reasonably personal things quite early on because of how well we get on. So after the dinner we were chatting, and we spoke about insecurities and anxieties etc. I mentioned an instance where something triggered something I'm insecure about.

She said that this was stupid thing to be insecure about. I said I agreed but what is so annoying is that something so stupid could ruin my day/night, because that's how bad it is. Basically I told her that this was one of many things that ultimately have given me terrible anxiety problems. She said that being insecure about something like that is so so stupid, and that I was ruining the night by acting so ridiculous. Again I told her I didn't deny that, and in fact thats the whole complaint I was making, about how ridiculous it is but I cant help it so it's all the more annoying. We were both getting quite frustrated, she said that I have a choice to feel that way. At one point she not quite slammed but dropped her fist on the table if you know what I mean. It was getting quite heated, she was saying that I was being self-indulgent, and to be insecure about something was self-absorbed, and she was going to leave if I kept it up. I told her she was being ignorant and self-righteous. I started to put my jacket on, we had paid for the food and everything, and she said if I left she would never talk to me again. I said "good, because i think your a sap" and walked out.

So basically I'm looking for honest opinions on how bad what I said and did was?

Also, we spoke later and she said that she would never be spoken to that way (I had told her to shut up, but she seemed to forget that she had told me to shut up a few moments before) and that she was disgusted I could act so appallingly. Now to be honest I agree that leaving her there was terrible, but she has no interest in hearing why I was so pi**** off. Also she still thinks I'm exaggerating the anxiety issues. Should I just accept complete responsibility? I'm worried that if I do I'm just setting it up to happen again. Or am I being immature.

Any opinons would be greatly appreciated.

Angus Og

What is this insecurity? It would help if you explained it, as then we could say if you or her are overreacting.

LegacyUser

Might give myself away if I explained it. It's one of many stupid insecurities I have. The issue I was trying to explain was not actually the insecurity itself but the fact that I have these an I wish I could get rid of them, like mentally not actually change the things I'm insecure about, becasue I knw I shouldn't be worried about the insecurities themselves.

omahaid

It doesn't matter whatsoever what this insecurity is, it sounds like she's a bit *ahem* passionate.

Wouldn't care for a woman who "she said if I left she would never talk to me again". Dodged a bullet I reckon.

santana75

Im not 100% clear as to what happened there OP. You said you told her about an insecurity you have and she reacted in a bad way? Is that it?
The general gist I get is that you were honest about your feelings i.e. you were hurt or felt insecure about something and she went into judgement mode. Telling you that you were silly for feeling a certain way and that you Shouldnt feel like that. But the fact is OP you do have this particular insecurity and you do feel a certain way about whatever it is. And let me tell you that nobody has any right to tell you that youre being silly or stupid or wrong for feeling that way. Nobody has any business telling you that you shouldnt feel the way you feel. Your insecurities and feelings are 100% valid. Now if this is insecurity is something you dont particularly like about yourself then you can do something about it. You can do some work on yourself, find out where this insecurity comes from and take steps to make some changes. But the first step is accepting that you are the way you are right now and the worst thing you can do is to give yourself a hard time over that. Accepting the way you are doesnt mean throwing your hands up in the air and giving up, it just means that you understand youre a flwed human being(like us all)and being kind and patient with yourself. So accept first then change(if you choose to).
But I think you stood up for yourself brilliantly with this person. You didnt over react. Nobody gets to say that you over reacted, nobody gets to decide how you should or shouldnt react to any given situation. Everybody is different and will react differently to any given situation so nobody has any right to tell you what is or isnt an appropriate reaction. Stop giving yourself a hard time. If this girl doesnt like the way you reacted then tell her to hit the bricks and get walking

straricco

Bit confused by your thread, would need to know what your conversation was about to get clearer picture, and to understand why you both got so annoyed.

But at end of the day, you did walk out of restaurant and leave her there. Thats embarrassing, if I wasn't with someone that long and they did that to me I wouldn't be impressed. But in saying that perhaps the line of conversation justified u doing that, but we don't know what it was about so hard to judge.

Angus Og

I think it matters, but I'm like that. You don't have to say what it is, I just wanted to make sure my advice was right before I gave it.

I'm hardly going to say you overreacted when she belittled you for something that you are very sensitve about, and on the other hand, maybe you are being too sensitive.

That's the only reason I asked.

LegacyUser

Girl here. I think everything was blown out of proportion and could've been handled in a way where the evening ended on a good note.

However, it sounds like the girl you're seeing just wanted to talk about herself and her passions, and what makes her tick. She was disappointed that you had a supposed 'flaw', one that ruined the picture she had built up in her mind. She's very immature, first for dismissing your anxiety (in fact I'd say she's self absorbed), and secondly for not realising that you're still the same guy she's been having a great time with this last while.

If I were you, I'd move on from her. Telling you you're stupid for worrying about something is way out of line. Go and find a girl who realises that you haven't been put on this earth to bow to her every whim and need

ChocolateRamses

straricco wrote: »

But at end of the day, you did walk out of restaurant and leave her there. Thats embarrassing,

Sounds like exactly the right reaction to me, from what the OP describes he was discussing a problem with his gf, and she started acting like a spoiled child.

Think the OP was bang on.

Angus Og

Yes, but why did it come to a head at dinner? They're together a couple of months and spend lots of time together, get along great. Why then and not before?

What if his insecurity was that her dress was the wrong colour, and he thought that it would ruin the evening for him. Would you say she was overreacting?

jellyboy

Hi op

Has it touched her and her insercuirtys?.....maybe shes judging you by her standards....

And reads like both of ye hurt each other....there is no right or wrongs...just ways to learn from should we choose to ....

Long walk and a time to reflect?...give each other space?

ChocolateRamses

Angus Og wrote: »

Yes, but why did it come to a head at dinner? They're together a couple of months and spend lots of time together, get along great. Why then and not before?

What if his insecurity was that her dress was the wrong colour, and he thought that it would ruin the evening for him. Would you say she was overreacting?

It could well have been something frivolous, but consider this; The OP was indicating that silly, or not, this was a problem for him, and his gfs response showed contempt for that.

If the roles were reversed I doubt there'd be any debate as to who was in the wrong.

Angus Og

Yes, I agree, I just wish they hadn't done it at dinner. I think both of them feel humiliated because it happened in a restaurant. If things were going fine for two months and this happened in private, I think her reaction would have been different, and so would his.

LegacyUser

You had an issue which you were openly discussing (which you obviously wanted to put out there and discuss) and she told you that you were stupid, self absorbed and threatened to leave if you continued the conversation and possibly if the night didn't got the way she wanted it to go.

You were showing that you were human and had vulnerabilities and she basically didn't want to know. How ignorant of her!

I don't think that you acted appallingly - in fact, you behaved quite bravely as most people (myself included) would proabably sat there and sucked up her insensitive comments and remarks rather than having the cahunas to walk out. Well done.

lynsalot

Hey OP it totally does depend on what the insecurity is. Is it something which has been discussed in the past? Is it something thats apparent and perhaps she tried to help with. Did you dismiss her help previously?

It's very hard to guage what happened here but it's not important what the anxiety is. The fact is only you know how important/big an issue it is to you. She should at least respect that. The only advice I can give you is that you discuss it with her but thread carefully. If you honestly feel justified in how u were feeling don't give in too easily. She should want to help you as your girlfriend.

You got some good advice above insofar as no one has the right to tell you how to feel. Only you know deep down whether u overreacted. Get in touch with her and see how things lie. I hope u sort it out