Don't even know him anymore

LegacyUser

I am writing this having spent the night shaking and crying as I am completely thrown by what I discovered last night.
I am living abroad with my long term partner of 3 years. He originally moved to this city in mid 2008, I joined him almost a year later in mid 2009. We have lived together for almost all of the time we have been together bar the 11 months we were in different countries. We are best friends, and so close and dependent on one another as we are here without family or long term friends. I am also, still, head over heels in love with him....i thought he felt the same as me, but i just don't know how that can be.
An aquaintence of mine from work has recently moved in with short term, as we have a spare room for a few weeks. He uses my laptop quite a bit as his is being repaired at the moment and he works from home quite a bit. Both my housemate and my boyfriend are away for the weekend (seperately) in different cities, so I am alone in the apartment for the weekend. I was looking throught the computer's history trying to find something last night (I have been researching college courses and couldn't remember the name of a course provider so had to trawl through the history)
I saw in the history from during the week, an x rated site, basically its where people put ads up looking for sex - gay, bi sexual, couples, swinging - u get the general idea. I had strictly told my bf no x rated sites on my laptop as a couple of years ago, my old one was riddled with viruses from him looking up porn (which I don't have a problem with him doing, just not on my laptop as the viruses slowed everything up and ruined it) so initially I blamed the housemate, and was about to send an angry text telling him off for it but thankfully i clicked into one of the links in the history just to get the name of the site for the message.
Anyway, to cut a long story short - the page I clicked into was a profile page that someone had set up - you upload pictures, your sexual preferences, what you are looking for - couple, swingers, man, woman etc, where you are, and a bit about yourself.

It was the picture that caught my eye first, as i recognised it as being my bf, even though the 3 pictures don't show his face, just his manhood - he has a distinctive scar beside his bellybuton which i would recognise a mile off, he also had his name as part of the email associated with the account, in case i had any doubts. He had listed himself as bisexual, and claimed he was looking for males, females, couples, swingers, 3some action etc. I immediately started crying out of shock, but made myself scrutinise the account including all private messages received from men who "want a bit of his c**k" and looking for blow jobs in the park etc. Some of these messages date back to when i had not joined him overseas yet. I can't see the replies or if he replied at all unfortunately.
I immediately started vomiting and crying uncontrollably. luckily i am alone this weekend as who can i talk to about this. I am considering moving out before he gets back from his trip - but i know it will be a huge shock to everyone - all of our family and friends that we broke up - and i know as the one leaving him, i'll have to give a reason.....there'll be alot of questions asked. I think i'm going to ask my friend if i can stay a few days, and ask her not to ask any questions that i just need to sort my head out.

I feel like i never really knew anything about him. I don't want to see him, the thoughts of him actively looking for sex with randomers on the internet makes my skin crawl. Especially with men, as this is a shock to me completely. Before me, he was with a girl for 5 years.
His flight is due back tomorrow night, I just want to be out of the house before he gets back to try and stop me. I know in my heart that it is over and I am completely devastated. We had planned on a long term commitment to jobs and a life here together, i have very little friends and no family here to support me so i will be on my own getting through this. I feel so miserable, i'm contemplating booking a flight back to ireland tbh, even if it means giving up a job and going back to almost certain unemployment and living in my parents house. I can't believe this.

ChocolateRamses

HI OP, that really sucks.

Without seeming callous I think the only question I'd ask is whether he's been meeting people through this site, or whether he's just been "exploring" it, getting some sort of sexual kick out of it.

Given what you're describing it seems like an open and shut case, but just be double sure, if this is just some voyeuristic kink he has but has never acted on, maybe it's something you can work through? Or maybe not, but only you know that, so only you can decide for yourself.

Having said that, what you've described is a very loaded scene, you know best how conclusive you feel it is.

So if you feel this is exactly what it appears to be then I'd say walk away and don't look back. But only you can make that call.

Miller Boy

Oh, Shockedandupset, that makes for terrible reading! I can only imagine what you must be going through!!!! However, my feelings are that you should put it to him before you decide to move out. It's very hard to see how there's any innocent explanation for it, but, you'll have to give him an opportunity to put his version.

If what you suspect is true, you won't have any option but to finish your relationship with him. The title you chose for the thread sums up the situation, as it appears. I can completely understand your physical reaction to the discovery. I discovered something a few years ago about someone I know very well and I had a terrible few months. I couldn't eat, sleep, focus, etc. But what you're experiencing is Richter Scale stuff.


You're in for a rough time, in the short term, but you'll get a lot of advice and support from members here. You should probably consider counselling also. I wish I could reach out and give you a hug. Just put yourself first and take it from there.

cafecolour

This is obviously a very upsetting thing to find.

Have there been any signs of him cheating before this? Late evenings at work, mysterious calls, unexplained absences. Have you two not been having much sex, or is your sex life still pretty healthy and active?

The reason I ask is it is possible he was doing this just because he enjoyed getting the responses for the thrill/ego boost (and is a bit of an internet exhibitionist) and never had any intention of going through with any of it. Granted, this is what guys always claim when they are caught by their OH on a dating/sex website, and often it's BS. However, the fact that he has set his net as wide as possible (ie bisexual and looking for all available options) sort of indicates he's just trying to get as many responses as possible, instead of looking for some sort of specific sexual interest for a hook-up.

LegacyUser

thank you to everyone who has taken the time to reply....it means alot, as i feel that i can't speak to anyone else about this.
I forgot to add that when i looked at the other links from the site in the history, they were mostly profiles of other men. So that's what he had been looking at.

I don't know what to think, i never thought he had cheated on me but everything i used to think means nothing anymore

Angus Og

You really should confront him. You have the weekend to decide how you want to do that, but make sure you do. You don't have to accept his explanation, I just think you should hear it before you leave, for your own sanity. It's not your fault.

I don't think that he would put these pictures up on the net if he wasn't looking for other men, but he could be an exhibitionist. Have you ever noticed exhibitionist behaviour before?

Anyway, I think your relationship has no foundation and that he's using you. You wouldn't be the first woman to find out that her man is also in to men. You won't be the last.

All you can do is make a decision and stick to it.

LegacyUser

I defo think you should talk to him but I never like the term "confront". It always implies that a person is going to go storming up to someone to start a row.

Setting that aside though, it must be shocking to find that and I'm sorry to hear about it. While I know you feel like just packing up your stuff and leaving, at the very least give him a chance to explain. The way I see it, you've pretty much imagined the worst at this stage (that he might have met people from the internet for sex etc). I think you should talk to him and give him a chance to put his side of the argument forward. Perhaps he was just browsing out of curiosity/interest but didn't actually do anything?

Also I couldn't help but think that if you moved out now and back to Ireland without talking to him, in a few months or whatever when the dust has settled and your head is clear, you might think back and wonder if you jumped the gun and were too impulsive and wonder if you made a mistake by just ending it without even talking to him first.

I'll admit, it's definitely not a nice thing to find and none of us here really know whether he went through with it or not. But lets say he was just browsing as he was curious, it doesn't have to be the end of the world. I'm sure you's could experiment more or something in the bedroom perhaps which might take care of any "curiosity" that he might have. I know that is the last thing on your mind at the moment and that's natural. It's just an option if it turns out he hasn't done anything and you's want to give things another chance.

Anyway I think you could possibly end up regretting it and starting to wonder if you did the right thing by just walking out and never speaking to him again. At the moment you are very upset and probably not thinking clearly and in those situations, it's very easy to just feel like packing up and going back to where you feel safe, secure and happy. God knows I've felt like packing up and moving back to my parents place recently myself, but for different reasons.

By all means if you have a friend of someone nearby, sort of talk to them first and see if you can stay there for a few days. Have it on standby so when he comes home if the worst comes to the worst, you can go stay with this other person without too much organising. Or even some hotel.

I'll admit the evidence against him doesn't shine a good light, but you don't have any proof that he actually went and did anything. He might well have, yet again, he might not.

I'm a guy and I'll be honest, I've browsed gay sites the odd time and done stuff online as I've been curious/horny/bored. I've never actually went and met a guy for sex from online or anywhere else and I don't think I ever would though. Occasionally I get turned on by the thought of it and stuff but for me anyway, the fantasy is more appealing than the reality. He could simply have been doing the same.

Or he could have done it to get a kick or to explore that area without actually going through with it.

But I think you should speak to him, see what he says and see if you think he's being honest. Then decide whether it's over.

Sorry again to hear about it though.

Angus Og

I use the term confront as 'to challenge' not to start a war of words.

Monkey61

I agree with posters that advising you not to go flying off the handle. I'd say a lot of people would get a thrill from posting anonymously on such a site and seeing the responses roll in without ever having the intention of meeting up with anyone. It could all be a bit of harmless fun.

BUT...and here is the main thing that struck me... why on earth would he use your laptop and not clear the browser history? Surely in this day and age, any adult who is capable of using the internet would automatically delete browser history as a matter of course when using any sex related sites on a communal laptop. Not to be making wild guesses or arousing any more suspicion than is necessary- but is it possible that he wanted you to find this and force some kind of action in your relationship? Either forcing you to break up with him, or him to get off his arse and go and meet up with men? He may of course have just been really careless though.

Honestly though OP, how has your relationship been going recently? Is it possible that he has been losing interest and you have been ignoring the signs?

LegacyUser

personally I wouldn't be too keen on a partner using those sites for an ego boost anyway regardless of the intention of meeting up
He is obviously not the guy you thought he was. I'd confront him but have your bags packed anyway and be prepared to leave after you speak.
But for you're own sake don't let him trivialize it or deny it.

LegacyUser

I have been faced with a similar issue this morning. My response...termination. The realization of this double standard is like two people in one and I only know one side. Not good enough, for me anyway. Not everyone does this, I do not want a boyfriend who leads a 'double life', one for me and another for him and his 'mates'. I don't know you or your relationship but I can identify with your shock and disgust and knowledge of deceit, like sitting in a bath of cold water...I too feel sick...what is it with some people... Respect for yourself and if your BF doesn't respect what you two had together and wants to share himself around well let him off, the world for you will be a better place without him.

LegacyUser

Hey guys, I've calmed down a bit, i'm a weekend manager at my job so luckily had a stressful day to help take my mind off it. sent him a really long text, told him what i found, asked him some questions.....he just rang me, saying its the first time hes been sober since last nite (he's on the p**s with some old friends he hasn't seen in a while) and he wasn't very apologetic but he rubbished my questions of whether he had met up with anyone, or if he was gay. He said it was just curiosity and boredom. Only for some people here have mentioned those could be the reasons behind it, i would have jumped down his throat.
I still find it very hurtful, and i'm still very upset and confused....i'm not a prude by any means when it comes to this stuff, its just the whole secretiveness that shocked me, we are so close and usually open about sexual stuff. Our relationship has just gotten stronger and more meaningful in my eyes, we are partners in ever sense, making a life at the other side of the world from home.
I called a friend earlier and asked if it came to it could i stay a few nights and she knows the two of us with years (shes from home, used to work with him) and she was shocked, started asking questions.....and i couldnt handle it at all. TBH i tried to talk and i couldnt force the words out, if she asked me on a scale of one to ten how bad it was, id prob say 10. I feel like all the hard work we've done building our trust and closeness over the years has been stripped away and somehow, im feeling like a failure and my self esteem and confidence has been shattered. I feel like i must not be enough for him if he's into that kind of stuff.

iguana

OP, I don't want to add to your problems right now but you should book an STD check. While he may have only used the site as an ego boost and never actually had a sexual encounter with anyone else, you have no way of ever knowing for sure and you can't take any chances with your own health.

Angus Og

I think you need to get away from him. You know he's lying to you. I'm sorry, but I have a hard time believing that a man who posts pictures of himself like those you describe is good for you. If he's not gay, then he certainly has problems.

santana75

Wow OP that certainly is heavy stuff to be dealing with. Im afraid Ive never been in a similiar situation so I dont know if anything I say would be of help to you. I think you should read "out of the Shadows" by Patrick Cairns(Hes the guy currently treating Tiger woods for his sexual addiction) though. Its about sexual addiction and its a phenomanal book. I think you should read it for understanding so that you can get some perspective as to what is going on inside your boyfriends mind. It might help to see how this could happen and to avoid getting into a situation were youre blaming yourself in any way.
Mind yourself.

straricco

johnterryswife wrote: »

personally I wouldn't be too keen on a partner using those sites for an ego boost anyway regardless of the intention of meeting up
He is obviously not the guy you thought he was. I'd confront him but have your bags packed anyway and be prepared to leave after you speak.
But for you're own sake don't let him trivialize it or deny it.

Agree totally with this. I'd 100% be ready to leave after talking to him. U can be guaranteed he will lie to you, because if he tells the truth you'll be walking out the door and he knows it.

He's a man that posted pics of himself on net for other men to look at, he's definately bisexual because any straight guy I know would be sick to the stomach at thoughts of doing that.

Really feel for you, all the best.

ChocolateRamses

straricco wrote: »

He's a man that posted pics of himself on net for other men to look at, he's definately bisexual because any straight guy I know would be sick to the stomach at thoughts of doing that.

You don't know that, and you really shouldn't be posting up that kind of speculation.

Only the OP and her partner know the real situation, neither you, nor I, nor anyone else posting here is familiar enough to make a statement like yours.

Walls

Your priorities at the moment are that you get you physically away from him, and getting sole control over your finances, so that you have options. Are your finances separate from his? If they are not, insure that they are as soon as possible.

If he is that bored, let him take up golf. He is not the man you thought he was, get every element of your life away from him now.

Walls

shockedandupset wrote: »

im feeling like a failure and my self esteem and confidence has been shattered. I feel like i must not be enough for him if he's into that kind of stuff.

You were exactly yourself with him. You were upfront, straightforward and without subterfuge. He gave you no chance to learn of his 'curiosity' or 'boredom', but instead hid a huge part of who and what he is.

If it is a mistake so small in stature, then why did he never speak of it? Why did he hide it and lie about it? Because he knew that he was betraying you. His own actions show him up. There it is. This isn't about whether you are enough or not, this is about his lying and never giving your relationship a chance.

straricco

ChocolateRamses wrote: »

You don't know that, and you really shouldn't be posting up that kind of speculation.

Only the OP and her partner know the real situation, neither you, nor I, nor anyone else posting here is familiar enough to make a statement like yours.

We'll have to agree to disagree chocolaterramses, and save the lecture as to what I can post!

OP did say that history on site was profiles of other men he was looking at. He's a man who likes other men quite obviously!

ChocolateRamses

straricco wrote: »

OP did say that history on site was profiles of other men he was looking at. He's a man who likes other men quite obviously!

WHich is totally distinct from his "definitely" being bisexual, which is my point, since it's for him and the OP to figure that out.

Not you or me.

gimme5minutes

ChocolateRamses wrote: »

You don't know that, and you really shouldn't be posting up that kind of speculation.

Only the OP and her partner know the real situation, neither you, nor I, nor anyone else posting here is familiar enough to make a statement like yours.

Why dont boards just close down the whole personal issues forum in that case? All the advice given PI is speculation based on the info given in the original post in the thread, including yours.

And I agree with staricco, no heterosexual man would be posting up images of his knob for other men to jerk off over. No heterosexual would spend his time looking up profiles of gay men and messaging them. Seriously, it is the last thing a straight guy would even think of doing. Why would a straight guy want to spend his time looking at other men's penises? Someone explain that to me.

And his excuses of it was 'curiosity and boredom', well that's just what they are...excuses. He's telling you what you want to hear. People who have been leading a double life will give any excuse they can think up to avoid admitting the truth. He is definitely sexually attracted to men, he could be gay or bisexual. And I would not be a bit surprised if he had met up with other men for sex based on the OP in this thread.