Criteria for choosing a best man

Shannonsider

Hi folks, I'm after recently getting engaged and we're not planning a wedding in the very near future but I'm curious as to what the criteria for choosing a best man. I have someone in mind but there a few other worthy candidates so I'm trying to find out what the criteria is before I decide.

Libby029

I would advise someone who knows ye both well as a couple.. also someone who would be ok doing a speech, and is reliable. My brother, picked a guy who had never been to a wedding before, and to be honest he was a joke of a best man, didn't have a clue what to do, or what was expected of him.

beertons

I'd say pick someone who's organised, reliable and assertive. Has to have a level head. Otherwise, that's the speech out the window!

Toots

Definitely pick someone who's organised and level headed. It'll be their job to help calm you down if you start getting nervous on the morning. A lot of couples give the best man cash in envelopes to pay the priest, driver etc on the morning of the wedding, so picking someone scatty and forgetful or careless is not a good plan. Also, make sure they don't have a problem speaking in public, otherwise the speech is gonna be a problem. Obviously it should be someone who knows you well too, and who is close to you. I think being realistic, you need to use your head and your heart in this decision.

To give you an example, my OH has 3 brothers, and the youngest is going to be his best man, I'd say he'll be great, nothing fazes him and he's really got a good level head on his shoulders.

The eldest brother was best man for the second oldest, and he was great too, his speech was one of the best ones I've ever heard, I actually couldn't breathe I was laughing so hard at some bits. But when the roles were reversed for the oldest brother's wedding, (this is getting confusing lol) it didn't go so well, the second eldest always leaves things til the last minute (at his own wedding he was still putting the mass booklets together on the morning of the wedding). He never organised a stag, despite promising he had something in the pipeline, in the end it got too close to the wedding and there was so much do to there ended up not being a stag at all. Also, he didn't even plan his speech, he basically just made it up as he went along, which didn't go as badly as it could have, but it definitely left a lot to be desired. He basically told a story about some escapades he was up to in college, but there was very little mentioned about the bride and groom at all.

I was chatting to the bride and groom a few months later and they said they were actually kinda hurt by how little effort he put into the whole thing, especially considering how much trouble the eldest brother had gone to when he was best man.

Forgot to mention another important point, make sure whoever you pick actually wants to do it!

Shannonsider

Thanks for all the advice folks, definately gives me food for thought

bigbadcon

Im cheating and having 2 best men,

Ive been friends with both since I was a child and couldnt choose between the 2.

It means they both share the burden of the duties including speech etc.

youcancallmeal

Toots* wrote: »

Forgot to mention another important point, make sure whoever you pick actually wants to do it!

Yeah this is a problem, when you ask someone of course they are going to say yeah straight off without actually thinking about whats involved. I've seen one particular friend who at first loved the idea and did a great job of organising the stag then as the wedding day got closer the pressure of the speech built up and up, in the end the speech was a total disaster because he was so nervous.

Its not nice the way the bestman's day out revolves around the dreaded speech but thats the nature of the beast I suppose.

hunnymonster

youcancallme>al wrote: »

Its not nice the way the bestman's day out revolves around the dreaded speech but thats the nature of the beast I suppose.

We're having the speeches before the meal to help minimise the stress on him. Unfortunately there are all sorts of other things, collecting envelopes, paying people etc that he will still be looking after so it's not going to be a hugely enjoyable day for him.

Clareman

You have to trust the person, I think that's the most important thing, you have to trust them with a fair bit of money, you have to trust them to carry out a lot of important tasks, you have to trust them not to embarass you, you have to trust them to be nice to your family, there's a lot of responsibility in the role.

Also, the person as to want to wear a suit, I know of someone who asked his friend to be best man and not 1 of his 3 brothers, all happy until they went to go get measured for the suits, yerman told him that he never wears suits, wouldn't do it for his own wedding so wasn't doing it for his, this cause panic of course and the search began to find a new best man, none of the brothers would do it of course, none of his friends would either cause we all heard the story. There was a compromise, neat slacks, blazer and shirt (no tie), we all laughed though

helimachoptor

Clareman wrote: »

Also, the person as to want to wear a suit, I know of someone who asked his friend to be best man and not 1 of his 3 brothers, all happy until they went to go get measured for the suits, yerman told him that he never wears suits, wouldn't do it for his own wedding so wasn't doing it for his, this cause panic of course and the search began to find a new best man, none of the brothers would do it of course, none of his friends would either cause we all heard the story. There was a compromise, neat slacks, blazer and shirt (no tie), we all laughed though

What a tool!

Shannonsider

As I'm new to all this!!!!! Does anyone have a list of all the things a best man must do?

youcancallmeal

There isn't any set list of what they are supposed to do, it all depends on how much responsibility you want to give him. From what I've seen the best man is expected to do all or some of the following: look after holding the rings, dancing with a bridesmaid for the first dance, receiving and looking after gifts/envelopes, paying DJ/Band and generally just to support you and help make sure everything runs smoothly

Theres probably loads of other little tasks you could give him but I cant think of any more right now. Also spreading any tasks out between the bestman and the groomsmen isnt a bad idea either.

hunnymonster

most of the jobs are listed here
http://wedding.theknot.com/groom-groomsmen/groomsmen-guide/articles/best-man-duties-in-detail.aspx?MsdVisit=1
but there have been whole books written on the topic.

Turbulent Bill

bigbadcon wrote: »

Im cheating and having 2 best men,

Ive been friends with both since I was a child and couldnt choose between the 2.

It means they both share the burden of the duties including speech etc.

I'd be very careful about this, was at a wedding last year with two best men and the speech was shambolic. They obviously didn't plan the speech together as each guy's bit was an unrelated stream of anecdotes - neither knew what the other was going to say. It came across as very slapdash and took over half an hour to get through. The guests were bored rigid by the end.

That said it could work really well if planned properly: a 'good cop, bad cop' style might be good.

SeekUp

We're having three men and three women in our wedding party; I'm doing the same as bigbadcon; and asking my brideswomen to share responsibilities. They can all help plan the bachelorette, if someone wants to make a speech they can, whoever's around to help me with whatever can help me with whatever. I doubt you could do this with bigger bridal parties though . . . too much headache, and most people would be arguing over who would do what when!!!

Dee_animallover

Shannonsider wrote: »

As I'm new to all this!!!!! Does anyone have a list of all the things a best man must do?

It depends what you want/expect of him, ours isnt even doing a speech (which he's relieved about) we are going to say a few words before the meal to thank everyone and thats it, no one else will be speeching - ours is very un-traditional though (civil ceremony abroad).

I think it ruins the day for alot of best men, FOB or FOG who are not comfortable doing a speech. Id hate for anyone to dread our wedding because of it!

vibe666

also remember, your best man is supposed to organise the stag too, so you'll want someone you would trust not to leave you tied naked to a lamp post covered in blue paint.

Toots

vibe666 wrote: »

also remember, your best man is supposed to organise the stag too, so you'll want someone you would trust not to leave you tied naked to a lamp post covered in blue paint.

Or the Spire! Saw some poor bloke in an awful state when I was walking down O'Connell st one night, not a stitch on him, tied to the spire! They'd put makeup on him and all!

ANGEM

hi all does anybody know if thers an age limit for a bestman OH's thinking of having his 14 year old son at least for the ceremony would he be allowed legally?

Toots

I don't think there should be a problem with him being the best man, but you'll have to get someone over the age of 18 to act as one of your witnesses (if you were intending to have the best man as a witness) because witnesses have to be over 18.

The ceremony must be performed in the presence of two witnesses who are both over 18 years of age. Both parties must make two declarations:- a) that neither of them knows of any impediment to the marriage; and b) that they accept each other as husband and wife.

- Taken from the Citizens Information website.