Mood swings and depression back with a BANG

iguana2005

was on the psychology thread recently overjoyed that i was finally coming off citalopram(anti depressants)..but the last few days have been hell..

depressed as again, that feeling of uncertainty about everything, that gloomy feeling, feeling completely paranoid with everyone, feeling uncomfortable with everyone, few things happened today and lost the plot(in tears to one of our clients had to hang up), ended up coming home in tears and punching the lights out of my head and thigh..have turned off my phone, dont want to talk to anyone, just sleep and my heads sore

welcome back depression..gutted..am afraid as i get older will have to take anti depressants all the time..should I leave it a while longer - like is my brain re-adjusting - doc is awaiting my call to supply me with drugs so not in any danger(moderators)..

if you met me in the street i so dont look like a nut..

Ickle Magoo

You sound angry with yourself. It's not your fault. Did your Doc advise you what to expect coming off those anti-d's & over what kind of time-frame to expect it? Are you cutting down or just going cold turkey? I think your GP is the best person to speak to about how you feel and what to expect from taking/stopping the anti d's. Best of luck.

iguana2005

yeah been on and off before so cutting down fr last few months. there is such a stigma to taking anti depressents and one or two people i told tell me im addicted...hence i came off them. 'we all feel like crap every once in a while' they say...i feel suicidal about 5 times a day.if i stay off them will loose **** loads of weight, start getting anxiety attacks, and spend my weekends in bed...completely miserable..


.doc says its just clinical depression/GAD...but many will say - prove it..christ if i could i would..the meds just calm the inside down..still bad days but you dont want to slit your wrists

mobilecore

hmmm
if i may ask Iguana2005, what is the root of having them in the first place?
i know its a cliche answer but to fix the root of the problem might make everything else ok

iguana2005

chronic anxiety and panic attacks since year dot..anxiety attack on my communion morning for sure(felt faint and wanted to go back to bed), mum couldnt take me to mass cause kept 'feeling ill' although was perfectly healthy. Hated school and messed up all my exams cause i couldnt sit in class if someone was sittin behind my(dont ask..and the irony my leaving cert i was top of a row of 20..neary puked)..would feel ill if a stranger came into the house...came to a head around my 21st birthday - agrophobia, insomnia, headaches, ..basically the whole nine yards...even though to the world i was miss joke and soundest of them all..

long lasting 'battle' unfortunately and very familiar to those who are sufferers too

mobilecore

I feel for you girl.
I'm going through a spot of bother myself. getting out of bed real late and drinking alot. But still i wont compare to you.

I say keep busy. You are in mental withdrawal stages. Try to take your mind off things. Dont just watch a movie. Go out and do something new like a hobby or group or course. preferably on a day when you usually do nothing but sit in and watch the tv. Dont just go back on them again. Try keeping yourself busy then see where you are at.

feel free to pm me if you ever want to have a chat about thing. it is best to share

Angus Og

I've been in that situation, and I know how hard it is to describe the feeling. In my case, it was like someone had caught hold of my feet and turned me upside down, or that the sky was collapsing on top of me.

In the end you do need a hobby or something else to throw yourself in to. I write, and that occupies my mind to no end, and has actually been quite therapeutic.

sam34

iguana2005 wrote: »

there is such a stigma to taking anti depressents and one or two people i told tell me im addicted...

contrary to popular opinion, anti-depressants are not addictive.

anyone who tells you they are clearly does not know what they are talking about.

Taltos

iguana2005 wrote: »

one or two people i told tell me im addicted...hence i came off them. 'we all feel like crap every once in a while' they say...i feel suicidal about 5 times a day.

OP - clearly these people you trusted with this just don't have a clue about depression or the lows it can drag a person to.
As much as you respect their input - and you clearly must if you followed their advice - next time just smile - nod - and keep in your own mind that it is crucial that you do what the doctor tells you - not what Johnny-B-Good and his mate Delores-So-Happy tells you.

Stick with the program your GP gives you - keep them updated on everything - mood changes - impulses to quit etc.

It is great that you have friends that you can share this with - but please remember - sharing this with them and expecting good advice is like Leonardo DaVinci showing his Mona Lisa to a puppy.

Nevyn

iguana2005 have you tried any of the depression support groups?
Aware run them all over the country and talking with other people who are struggling
with some of the same issues and you would have people to talk to.

www.aware.ie

littlefriend

OP - I have had similar depression for years and have been on and off anti - d's loads of times. Whenever I would take them once I'd start to feel better I'd stop taking them. I'd then feel awful again for months before I'd 'give in' and start taking them again. I was always trying to reduce my dosage too, like taking one every two days and stuff like that. I really wasn't doing myself any favours AT ALL.
I've been back on them now since last summer and am taking them properly as well doing other stuff that keeps me feeling good [eg exercise, no caffeine, little alcohol, don't get involved in other ppls dramas]. I can honestly say I feel great for the first time in at least 10 years. Its great, I was remarking to my friend the other day how weird it is to wake up happy. I'm never going back to how I was before. If I start feeling bad I'm going to attend to it straight away rather than let myself get into a hole.
Just go to your doctor today and go back on your medication. Life is too short to be feeling horrendous all the time. And don't listen to your 'friends' - they don't know what they are talking about. If one of your friends had an illness that kept them from leaving the house, kept them bedridden & crying with pain would you tell them they didn't need their medication? Eh no.

Angus Og

You really have to find the root of the problem. Yes, the drugs may work, but do you want to be on them for the rest of your life? Unless it's a chemical imbalance, I don't think drugs will help in the long term.

I never took drugs for depression, and I know that you can overcome it if the problem stems from your mind.

The real problem here is that you don't know the answer. Is it something from the past upsetting you, or is it your physical brain? You should demand an answer from your doctor, so that you can understand why you need the drugs, rather than taking them because you are told to.

iguana2005

Angus Og wrote: »

You really have to find the root of the problem. Yes, the drugs may work, but do you want to be on them for the rest of your life? Unless it's a chemical imbalance, I don't think drugs will help in the long term.

I never took drugs for depression, and I know that you can overcome it if the problem stems from your mind..

mate read up on depression - it is a chemical imbalance and if i or anyone else needs to be on meds for life thats life. would you say to a diabetic 'i dont think drugs will work in the long term'..both my parents are alcoholics so are they of good brain chemicals too?

christ sometime i wish i had bloody cancer so people would actually the physical illnesss. and i acually mean that seriously. lost 2 friends to cancer and sometimes i wished i was them

Nevyn

For some people taking anti depressant and doing cbt or talk therapy can help if it is stemming from something a person can change and is willing to work to wards that,
be it trauma or situational, internal or external.

But for other people it's is just a biochemical fact like having diabetes and they have to face that they may always struggle with depression and either be on meds constantly or go on and of meds as needed.

It can be very hard when you feel like you have to admit defeat and go back to the dr and talk about going back on anti depressants but that is taking control and doing what you need to to be able to function, we don't tell someone to get over it and not take insulin when needed.

Angus Og

Sorry, but you are overreacting. Of course I wouldn't tell a diabetic that, don't be stupid. I don't need to read up in depression, since I've suffered it and still do.

A chemical imbalance can be caused by many things, but obviously you don't know that.

Sorry for trying to help.

miss hell

I was terribly depressed for many many years. I never went on anti-depressants or anything. I have my own theories and beliefs on most prescription drugs. But all I'll say is I don't think they're a good idea. What eventually made things better for me is nothing but life. When finally the worst things that could happen to a human happened, I just embraced it. I still loose sight of things and get a bit crazy sometimes. But as soon as I stop fighting the crap that keeps dragging me down and just allow myself to feel sad, that will automatically shine some light on everything. Happiness takes a long time to achieve and maintain. I wish I could explain it better! But all this stuff is in my head......putting it into words is not easy.......

Dudess

iguana2005 wrote: »

mate read up on depression - it is a chemical imbalance and if i or anyone else needs to be on meds for life thats life. would you say to a diabetic 'i dont think drugs will work in the long term'..both my parents are alcoholics so are they of good brain chemicals too?

While anti-depressants may be necessary for you, they won't work through your problems and help you develop coping skills/retrain your thoughts.

christ sometime i wish i had bloody cancer so people would actually the physical illnesss. and i acually mean that seriously. lost 2 friends to cancer and sometimes i wished i was them

Your negativity is destroying you, your thinking is skewed - would you not just go for counselling? If you were a friend or relative of mine, I'd pay for some of the damn sessions.
Your posts are scary to read - seriously, it's not nice to see a person so, so miserable. Please get help, iguana.

iguana2005

thanks dudess...your right...i know...my coping skills are deteriating the older i get..am loosing out on life...every time i go to a councellor they say 'well dear a few years of sessions will do you good' - good LORD!!

Funny thing is im the life and soul of the party, have masses of friends and am known as a party animal- not many people know i suffer from depression/low self esteem...

thanks for everyones support though - got some lovely PM too and realise that lots of people out there are suffering. Woke up this morning very negative but the sun is shining and this coffee is going down lovely.

LegacyUser

iguana2005 wrote: »

mate read up on depression - it is a chemical imbalance and if i or anyone else needs to be on meds for life thats life. would you say to a diabetic 'i dont think drugs will work in the long term'..both my parents are alcoholics so are they of good brain chemicals too?

I don't think the poster you were replying to was belittling your condition.
Personally, I think a big part of depression is thinking that nobody understands, and that advice from friends/family etc is considered 'shallow', or 'they don't understand'. *
I think it's important to realise that you are very lucky to have such friends/others who are willing to run the risk of being told 'you really don't understand do you?' when all they're trying to do is help their friend who's obviously going through hell. Your friends (and posters here) aren't for the most part trained psychologists and psychiatrists, so I wouldn't expect the same careful, measured advice from them that you'd get from a professional who has trained for years to understand depression and it's effects.

Sometimes the advice you get mightn't be the advice you need at that time. Just try to be aware thought that the person giving the advice is reaching out to help, they're not belittling your condition.

Good luck with everything. I'm glad to hear that today has started out well for you : )


*I know this because I used to dismiss people's advice when I was depressed myself. It took me a long time to realise that some very good friends were risking drawing my bad temper on them when they offered advice. I felt awful when I realised, I felt even more awful when I found out that they'd been going throught bad patches themselves when they were trying to help me

dellas1979

(please take this with a pinch of salt. I am in no way qualified, but just talking from my own experiences).
You seem to be suffering from
1. Depression
From the depression stems
2. Anger & anxiety
From the anger & anxiety stems
3. Low levels of self esteem

I dunno. You seem to be working from 1 to 3, as in cure/control depression and it will all go away, but it doesnt seem to be working. Prehaps work from 3 to 1? As in start with the low self esteem and work your way back to the bigger problem. It might give you a different perspective.

littlefriend

OP - when you say you are a party animal what do you mean? Do you drink a lot of alcohol or take recreational drugs? Both of these things would have a HUGE impact on how you feel day to day.
Also, you mentioned you were enjoying a coffee - I know this sounds ridiculous but caffeine can increase adrenaline which is a factor in panic attacks. Have a look at everything you are putting in to your body & cut out things that aren't good for you.
Go back to your doctor too [if you haven't already].