How can I protect my child and I?

LegacyUser

Firstly I apologise for this as it may be posted in the wrong area,

My child has just turned one, fantastic, happy little boy,,

His father and I are no longer together and have not been for quiet some time, he began beating me almost immediately after our child was born - sayed he was sorry and he changed but never did.. He also uses drugs daily which he also said he would stop while I was pregnant but never did or didnt even try. (i have never used drugs, I was with my parner for only a short period before i fell pregnant so i didnt know he had such a problem)
I live at home with my parents who have been extreemely supportive to me,

I left him, he then wanted to see our child which I agreed to however when I brought my child to visit I was being attacked again, in front of my child who only at a few months old was terriffied, This happened more than once and even happened at his parents house he even beat me in front of them.

I would never agree to him having the child alone as he is not by any way fit to look after a child so I would not leave him see the child,

HERES MY DILEMA: He took me to court during the week for access, he admitted he had a drug problem, however never admitted to violence, the judge granted him access 2days a week while im present,, However the access takes place in "his house with his parents present",, this is the house where I have been attacked before and I actually have an assualt case pending on this, I am at my wits end as to what to do,,

In court I explained that i didnt want my child in the house as his brother is a heroin addict and now ill even have to face him,, I wouldnt worry about it so much if it was a neutral venue,,, I dont know what to do,,,

Also the case is being reviewed in March, and if it comes that he will be granted access without me being present - I dont think ill have the strenght to hand my child over to him, so i imagine then ill end up in a whole lot of trouble with the court, BUT im just not willing to put my child into the hands of someone who spends their days stoned off their heads!!!!

please any advice you can give me is really appreciated as Im at a loss as to what to do,,,,

Angus Og

I know this is a personal problem, but have you posted in the law discussion section:

http://www.boards.ie/vbulletin/forumdisplay.php?f=633

I'd say go to the gardaí and tell them your life is in danger, which it is if you're being physically assaulted, but I know nothing of law, and have only ever had one friend who suffered a similar problem. In the end she fled the country with her children.

LegacyUser

Yeap,

Stop him seeing the child full stop. Period. Regardless if you're there or not. Speak to his parents, will they testify to the beatings he gave you in front of them, or confirm that both him and his brother are addicts?

Go and speak to a solicitor about your concerns and about the legal end of it, was his violence mentioned in court, had you no proof.

Courts or no courts, over my dead body would I let this animal near a child.

kmick

Do you have a solicitor?

Nevyn

I would if I were go you to your local health clinic and speak to the socail workers there,
tell them of your concerns and get advice from them and ask if they can review that situation as you feel that you would be endangering the child and yourself and if they can send someone to assess the parents house as a fit place for a visitation.

Did you tell the judge you have a case pending for an assault at that address?
You may well need a lawyer.

LegacyUser

Yes I do have a solicitor, and senior counsel, I also have been in touch with a social worker yesterday, All of which are shocked at the decision for it to take place in his house,, They had advised that some access may be given in neutral venue, I could handle this,

I can deal with the visiting of the house - ill just have to bear it, im having a family member wait outside for moral support and in the event of any problems I can leave and go to gardai station, however I cannot and will not be able to handle this should he get unsupervised access with me not there,, Has anyone had any experience or know of someone with of this kind of problem before,

Victor

If you have to go, is there someone that you can bring with you - perhaps a family member "giving you a lift" to his place? Or a friend, who happens to be a social worker?

LegacyUser

His violence was mentioned in court - he denied it,,
also several months ago i was in front of the same judge looking for a barring order against him - he never turned up that day and the judge granted me a temporary order for one month to be reviewed,, when it was reviewed he said he could not grant the proper one as I did not live with him, if I was living with him I could have got it,,,

So the judge is aware of the history of violence, also he admitted to drug use (hes been off it 3wks he claims - lies) also he said his brother was not on heroin but he was on prescribed medication..


As for speaking to his parents - the day the assualt took place up in his home both his parents kicked him out and said they were ashamed of their life for him to be their som that they had never seen that side to him,, I had rang my sis to collect me as i did not drive at the time but was told by his father to ring her and for her to turn around as he had threatened to put in the windows of her car,, the father then dropped me home and both parents said I should not let him near the child and that they supported me fully - however when I made a statement against him the parents story changed and they said that he did not assault me,, His own brother had bust his nose that day because of wht he had done to me - but again this didnt happen either - (its all a figment of my imagination)!!!! so no i could not speak to the parents..

Peggypeg

Wow OP,

that is just an awful, unfair and f*cked up situation. Please do not take any of the advice here on boards.ie without getting proper legal advice. If you do as suggested above and refuse to follow a court order to bring your son to him, you will be in contempt of court and could end up strengthening his case and maybe end up playing into his hands.

Now I'm going to get very old fashioned here but do you perhaps have a very large brother/friend/uncle etc? If you do bring them to the visits with you. I know if I were in your situation what I would be trying to do is; first of all, keep calm, second of all keep safe, that means not going alone to these visits. You obviously cannot rely on his parents to stop him from being violent, they're obviously sh*te people if their children turned into women beaters and junkies so I wouldn't rely on them for the time of day if I were you.

You need to get as much support on this as you can, got to the HSE and ask to speak to a social worker and outline your difficulty. Go to councelling yourself as this is a horrific situation to be in and talking about it could help. Basically take all the help that is on offer for your sake and your sons, for both of your sakes you need to be strong and the best way to do that is with help.

I can only imagine what you are going through and you have my heartfelt sympathy but I think the most important thing for you right now is to stay calm, don't get reactive and go off halfcocked because you could end up painting yourself in a bad light in court and god forbid that scumbag could end up getting custody (not trying to scare you, it would be hugely unlikely but I would err on the side of caution).

I hope this turns out well for you sweetie. I'll keep my fingers crossed that he gets hit by a bus or articulated lorry and this situation just goes away.

Big big big BIG HUGS sweetie,
Please come back here to talk if you need a friendly ear,
The very best of luck to you and your son.

P.s While I was writing the above post you added more details so forgive me if I'm telling you to do things that you're already doing.

Angus Og

What about a safety order? That should have been granted. You must have bruises or something to show as evidence.

mood

Have you ever reported the assults to the guardi? If so why has he never been charged?

Is it possible for you to move away?

LegacyUser

Thanks PeggyPeg, this is what im afraid of that id be playing into his hands if I dont adhere to the courts ruling.

Also im not allowed bring anyone with me to these visits except a social worker, however then i have also been advised that if a social worker attends he may say that this is the reason he was unable to "bond" with the child as he was being watched and also that I was not giving it a reasonable chance by getting a third party involved.

how can any court put me or my child in this position,,, its beyond me,,,
this man has not only attacked me but has also attacked my mother, brother and spread horriffic rumours about my sister in her workplace!! all of my family have turned a blind eye and not reacted to any of this for the sake of my child,,, yet it seems he is a law of his own and can do what he wants,,

LegacyUser

I have reported every incident to the guards, assualt case is still pending,,
I could move away but I live with my family and they are all that has kept me going through all of this, As a family I have to say that we are very very close, and my child adores them all,, so it would be of distress to him too if we were to leave.

Angus Og

So you can't produce evidence of the assault?

http://www.citizensinformation.ie/categories/birth-family-relationships/problems-in-marriages-and-relationships/barring_safety_and_protection_orders

kmick

Do you have any large brothers/cousins who could politely ask him to leave you and the child alone until he sorts himself out?

mood

unregistered wrote: »

Thanks PeggyPeg, this is what im afraid of that id be playing into his hands if I dont adhere to the courts ruling.

Also im not allowed bring anyone with me to these visits except a social worker, however then i have also been advised that if a social worker attends he may say that this is the reason he was unable to "bond" with the child as he was being watched and also that I was not giving it a reasonable chance by getting a third party involved.

how can any court put me or my child in this position,,, its beyond me,,,
this man has not only attacked me but has also attacked my mother, brother and spread horriffic rumours about my sister in her workplace!! all of my family have turned a blind eye and not reacted to any of this for the sake of my child,,, yet it seems he is a law of his own and can do what he wants,,

Did your family members who he assulted report it? This would be better for your child than turning a blind eye.

Victor

kmick wrote: »

Do you have any large brothers/cousins who could politely ask him to leave you and the child alone until he sorts himself out?

Such "chats" can be unconstructive and play into the hands of the violent party.

LegacyUser

Angus Og wrote: »

So you can't produce evidence of the assault?

http://www.citizensinformation.ie/categories/birth-family-relationships/problems-in-marriages-and-relationships/barring_safety_and_protection_orders

I can produce evidence of the assualt, he never turned up in court, and as we were never living together there was nothing granted (temporary for 1 month) when it was reviewed they said if we were living together even for a short lenght of time it would have been granted

Peggypeg

unregistered wrote: »

Thanks PeggyPeg, this is what im afraid of that id be playing into his hands if I dont adhere to the courts ruling.

Also im not allowed bring anyone with me to these visits except a social worker, however then i have also been advised that if a social worker attends he may say that this is the reason he was unable to "bond" with the child as he was being watched and also that I was not giving it a reasonable chance by getting a third party involved.

how can any court put me or my child in this position,,, its beyond me,,,
this man has not only attacked me but has also attacked my mother, brother and spread horriffic rumours about my sister in her workplace!! all of my family have turned a blind eye and not reacted to any of this for the sake of my child,,, yet it seems he is a law of his own and can do what he wants,,

I'm in agreement with you sweetheart, the courts are stupidly slow, it makes me sick to hear of someone like you basically getting your life ruined by a f*cking monster.

My advice is again, stay calm. Use your head. You have to be clever with this stuff. If you bring a social worker to the visits it will back up the claims of assault you have made, i.e "I requested that a social worker be present as my son was in danger without one present, as you will see there are charges pending for assault in this case" etc. The only way to proceed with this is to play everything by the rules. I know it's not fair, (honestly if I was was God, I would have snuffed out that scumbag's life after reading your first post, pity I'm not eh?), having to go through the court system is sometimes as traumatic as the reason that you're there!!! Report EVERYTHING he does, violence, threats, rumour spreading etc. and I do mean EVERYTHING, that way when a judge has a file in front of him he will be able to see why you wanted a social worker present.

You say that he's interferred with your family, ask them to report him too, the more charges leveled against him the more likely the judge will see through his act and see him for the scummer he is. What you want the judge to see is that you are a law abiding loving mother who has had to deal with all you've dealt with and that you are just trying to protect your beautiful son from a f*cking monster. The only way you can do that is by keeping a clear head, following legal advice and by being a very clever girl. I know this is just so unfair that you are playing by the rules and let's be honest he won't be but fighting fire with fire will just get you burned.

You want to be a shining example of a good mother when it comes to court, in one sense the length of time these things take could be a blessing, it gives him ages and ages to be a f*cking scumbag idiot, which gives you loads of time to report him again and again and so have a lovely big file on him to show a judge.

Stay strong sweetie, if you ever need a friendly ear and don't want to go public you're very welcome to pm me.

BIG BIG HUGS SWEETIE.

mood

I agree with Peggypeg.

Also make sure your behavior can't be questioned i.e. don't be going out getting drunk with friends, make sure your son has a regular routine. He will probably try to twist things to make you look bad. I wouldn't even go on a date.

Sleepy

Has your ex got guardianship of your child OP?

If not, there's nothing stopping you from getting your son a passport and emmigrating.

Normally I'd be dead set against separating a child from their father but when there's a genuine case that the father is a risk to the child (or to the child's wellbeing through violence against it's mother), I think it'd be justified.

Obviously, it's not ideal and it's not right that you should have to go to such an extremer but if it's best for the child, it's the best course of action imho.

Billiejo

A dreadful situation.

Many a one in this same situation have taken children and left Country.
Have you any relatives in the UK, where this is a Child Protection 'red flag' issue because of the Domestic Violence.

Firstly (may be a bit late) but always report any physical or verbal / threatening abuse to the Guards and ensure its documented for future Court evidence.

2nd. Call your Public Health Nurse, (mother & child's health at risk) explain situation and ask for a planning meeting to include your area Social Worker and a member of the Drugs team.

3rd See your Gp also.

Staying put may result in Dad having access.
If this happens insist on a neutral venue (Childrens Nursary) is sometimes used in these circumstances, where many wittness's present.
Also if you feel comfortable you could ask for Dad's mother to be present albeit Grandmother took sons defense & a mother who will always protect a child (EG Dad) but she will ensure grandchilds safety in the long term. Be in no doubt this has been proven in all cases.

LegacyUser

Hi sorry for delay with reply,

No his father is not guardian, but to be honest emigrating would not be for me, I have a very strong family who support me 100%, my child also has a great relationhip with each of them as we all live together.

Im not a big drinker never was, so no fear of him seeing me out partying as I only ever really have a drink on occasions, (birthdays, new years etc)

Definately he will not see me with new partner as only man important to me at present is my son so no chance of that,

found out yesterday that his summons for assualt which was pending is being served in the coming days, so i can only imagine the reaction ill get when im visiting his house,,

Angus Og

When he's convicted for assault I'm sure your outlook will be better.

LegacyUser

ok so first access visit was a few days ago, his parents are to be with him for guidance as well as me being present,, when i knocked on the door his mother was not even aware we were to call, she informed me he was in bed and she would wake him....

when he came down stairs he first told me get the "fu**" out of his house,,
then began badmouthing me in front of the child
then when fixing my cardigan he reached over grabbed my belt and said you might pull that down so it would cover some of the fat,,

i dont know why he even bothered to take this to court if he wasnt going to take this seriously, both his parents didnt even acknowledge the child either, all i can hope is that when this is reviewed the judge will see him for what he is really like,,,


also summons for assualt is to be issued this week, i can only imagine the response ill get when i go to the house then,,,, he does not care about the child - just wants to throw digs at me, he didnt even interact with the child that much when we were there,,

humanji

It's a terrible situation to be in. Is it possible for you to record any visits you have to make? It might sound a little strange, but if you had some sort of hidden microphone recording what eh says and does, or even a mobile phone dialled out to a friend who might be able to record it. Not sure of the legalities, but could that be used as evidence against him?

Penn

What a horrible situation. I'm really sorry you have to put up with this OP.

Would it be possible to have the visits in your own home? At least that way you could have family members present. Or even in a middle ground in public.

The important thing is long term. Keep any bit of evidence you can use against him safe, and try to find more. Maybe there are other girls he's been with who he treated similarly who would give character statements or something. Or just people around the town. By the sounds of him, I doubt he's all sunshine and lollipops once he leaves his house, there are likely unbiased people in his area who would be willing to help you out. Also get as much evidence as possible that he's not paying maintenance.

I know someone said that, if you brought a social worker with you, he could say that it affected his ability to bond with the child. But with such insurmountable evidence against his character, it may not be a factor.

Best of luck OP. I really help this gets sorted out for you